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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to know whether my boyfriend loves me after 4 years?

30 replies

Outdoorsie · 26/10/2020 06:55

I told him I loved him after about 1.5 years, and he didn't say it back - he said he's not great at saying these things, and left it at that. That was fair enough. I've never said it since and neither has he. I'm curious now to see does he love me though, not necessarily that I want him saying it all the time; it's just sometimes I feel the relationship is not a priority to him and I feel if he can't say he loves me after 4 years, there's something wrong - am I right or overthinking?

OP posts:
Namechangedforthisoct2 · 26/10/2020 06:58

I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who wouldn’t say I love you - listen to him, or listen to his lack of saying it. He’s surely showing you how he feels by not saying it and not making you or the relationship a priority :(

milienhaus · 26/10/2020 07:00

After 4 years, I’m afraid it doesn’t sound great OP

Florencex · 26/10/2020 07:00

It could mean there is something wrong or on the other hand maybe it is purely due to him being unable to express himself. I think this comes down to how he treats you, you haven’t said much on that other than you don’t feel like you are a priority, which doesn’t bode well.

NerrSnerr · 26/10/2020 07:01

After 4 years I would expect him to have said it or at least had a discussion how he does love you even if he doesn't sag the word. You need to talk to him.

HollysBush · 26/10/2020 07:02

Some people find it hard to say I love you unless they really feel it, but that might be his fault not yours. Not that he doesn’t love you, but he doesn’t have the personality to feel bubbling over and gushing with love that the words just come out.
HOWEVER, if he knows it’s important to you he should be able to just say it (or at least write in a card, does he do that ever?)

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 26/10/2020 07:02

I couldn't tell my ex I loved him after 15 months, because now I can see I didnt . He was a lovely man but it wasnt love for me. He dumped me , I was happy to carry on with that nice, comfortable, pleasant relationship but he was not . He did the right thing even though I was miffed at the time .
If he loved you he would tell you at least once in 4 years , sorry .

Sirzy · 26/10/2020 07:04

Actions do speaker louder than words but I get the impression that he actions don’t show he loves you either?

YewandOak · 26/10/2020 07:04

Many people will disagree with me,I expect,but here goes.

I think you're over thinking things. Words are easy. For me,personally, it's what a man DOES that shows he lives me,not what he SAYS. Little things,thoughtful things. Making you a drink in your favourite mug/cup/glass. Remembering your favourite places/chocolate/likes. Being thoughtful and considerate. Listens to you.

Anyone can say I love you. I could tell you that here and now,but it wouldn't be true,would it? Do you see what I'm (rather clumsily) trying to say?

ThornAmongstRoses · 26/10/2020 07:10

Did you not feel like you loved him until 1.5 years in? Or did you feel it much sooner but felt too scared to tell him?

Are you living together? Is your relationship naturally progressing?

Mytimetokillandmaim · 26/10/2020 07:14

Oh wow. I've never heard of this before in my life. Are there really relationships out there that last years...with neither party ever saying 'I love you'?

I also get that it's just words and actions count more..but still I'm extremely surprised.

You're definitely not being unreasonable op

SimplyRadishing · 26/10/2020 07:15

I personally need to hear it and would be thinking how to end this relationship.
As yewandoak points out anyone can say I love you. It's so simple. So why can't someone who is supposed to care about you and your happiness not say it to you?

Having needs is normal and fine and in a good relationship you can expect to have all reasonable/most needs met.
Being loved and told you are loved is a fairly basic one for most people that lets us feel secure. Yanbu to ask that if that is what you want.

Rainbowqueeen · 26/10/2020 07:18

Have you ever talked about your future?? After 4 years I’d expect to know where you stand moving forward
You absolutely have the right to know how he feels about you and if it’s not what you want you absolutely have the right to end things.

Best wishes

Original poster
Outdoorsie · 26/10/2020 07:23

He treats me fine, not badly, not overly expressive with his emotions. We've never lived together, no talk of things changing. He's mid 50s, me late 40s, no children, never married. He's close to other people in his life and I said to him recently I often feel he prefers spending time with them and he said "not necessarily". He said just because he's close to them doesn't mean he can't be close to me. However, I am beginning to feel now if he doesn't love me I shouldn't be wasting my time just "hanging out".

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 26/10/2020 07:25

I think I’d feel quite unsettled in your position, OP. You deserve to know how he feels about you after 4 years. Do you have a sense of whether he sees a long term future with you?

Florencex · 26/10/2020 07:28

Regarding your update. I know that some (a minority of) people are satisfied with that type of relationship. It would not be for me though, I would need to have seen some development by now. It doesn’t really sound like it is the type of relationship you want either.

SimpleLife003 · 26/10/2020 07:30

I was with my ex 6 years, he also never said it.

Looking back now leaving him was the best thing I ever did!

Yes, some people feel awkward saying it, but after that amount of time with someone you should feel comfortable enough.

AdoreTheBeach · 26/10/2020 07:30

Well, he’s mid 50’s so likely not looking for a family.

Has he been married before? If he has and ended badly, he may only be looking for companionship not commitment

Conversely, if he’s never married, he may have never wanted a committed relationship and is happy to have some company but nothing deeper. He may be happy living alone, his own space, his own finances etc and have someone to do things with

If you want to move the relationship along, thing about what you need and then have a conversation with him. Be prepared though that he may not want the same things as you

Better to know and allow you the opportunity to seek out what you’re looking for.

Misskg1982 · 26/10/2020 07:32

I agree with YewandOak, actions speak far more then words.
My OH of 9 years isn't over gushy with his feelings and I always have to start emotion convos if I feel I need that. But his actions speak volumes. If someone is treating you with love and respect words are little in comparison. Yes it's nice to hear and having that silly girly butterfly feeling when it's said is lovely. But if you're needing that as his actions aren't also giving anything away, especially after 4 years. I would say his comfortable with where your at but that's it.

MegaBloxRoxx · 26/10/2020 07:32

I think you want and deserve more than he is willing to give you.

Callcat · 26/10/2020 07:37

My ex was like this. Very 'meh' and unemotional even by my very chill standards. No I love yous or affection, and stopped DTD for the last year. I don't know why I stayed! I did finish it eventually...and got such a strong reaction it shocked me! Suddenly declaring that he had thought we were going to live together (err..no! I told him I wouldn't live with a man while my DC were living at home, and he'd never have got round to leaving his bachelor pad near his mummy!), constant begging texts and phone calls and basically stalked me for months!!! It was quite scary at one point. I still can match up how he was at the end with how uninterested he was during the relationship. I'd get out if it doesn't feel right. I'm not the type to want to be someone's princess, but I do expect to feel like they really want to see me and that I'm counted as a priority, even if they have other strong priorities in the form of family and friends. And I love being told that I'm loved! Current DP and I are quite soppy! I've never been that effusive in past relationships but I quite like it! I feel very valued.

FippertyGibbett · 26/10/2020 07:37

He doesn’t sound like the right bloke for you.
You either stick with him and live this way, or be independent and open to a new loving relationship.

Odile13 · 26/10/2020 07:40

You’re not unreasonable. I would wonder why he struggles to express this emotion (assuming that he actually does love you after 4 years as otherwise I can’t really see the point of staying together).

ReneeRol · 26/10/2020 08:13

He sounds very detached and cold. You're not building a life together, he doesn't make you feel good or provide love. You're just keeping him company.

You've nothing to lose by dumping him and finding a more productive use of your time.

Coffeecak3 · 26/10/2020 08:16

Sorry OP but it seems to me youre just a fwb.

AlwaysCheddar · 26/10/2020 08:38

It’s very one sided. You’re just convenient to him.

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