To think children are no longer allowed to live their own lives?

[gussy123]

The ‘what was wrong with the 70s’ thread made me think of this:

I grew up on a council estate in the early 2000s, and I see a lot of what posters were saying about their 70s childhoods in mine. It was basically get out the house, don’t come back until tea— not that anyone would’ve dreamt of doing anything different. On Saturday morning we had to walk into town to do a big shop with our mums, on Sunday some of our grandmas took us to church. Sometimes we were sent out to town to buy things that were needed then and there. Meals, holidays (if we got one), clothes, etc. were dictated by parents and we just got on with it.

I have a significantly younger sister, and the change in lifestyle is astounding. Everything is based around what she’s doing (clubs and things), her friends are only allowed to play in each other’s houses and gardens, just about everything she and her friends do closely supervised— not one of her or her friends is allowed to walk to school (~10 minute walk) alone.

I think children seem to be treated like a separate species! Something that needs to be coddled and made happy at every moment. I know that from about 6/7 onwards I could not wait to get out and do whatever I liked with my friends. Also, crime has consistently gone down if anything, so why are we more and more scared of letting children out alone? It makes so little sense.

I’m not suggesting we start locking kids out from 8 til 8 every weekend, or to make their lives miserable, but I feel as if they don’t get a minute to be completely free and just live!

[Famousinlove]

I think the main reasons are technology, a lot of kids want to stay home playing video games and can easily speak to their friends online whilst doing it
I also think a lack of 'community' in a lot of places means kids who live near each other don't know each other to play out with? When you moved house the kids on the street would come over and ask if you wanted to play out with them, people seem to keep to themselves a lot more now
Also, crime documentaries are popular at the moment, maybe they are in The back of a lot people's minds and have made parents almost more cautious.

[BogRollBOGOF]

I live in a quiet, dozy area that is quite good for encouraging DCs to be independent.

This summer, I would have liked my DCs to play on the Green at the end of my cul-de-sac, but at 7 & 9, my 9yo is the oldest in the area short of being about 15+. I'd be happy for them to be in a sensible group, but it's not the done thing to play out at present.

My 7yo has a classmate next door, but between working parents, football club commitments and family life, he's rarely avaliable for casual play.

DS1 at nearly 10 is just begining to walk the 300m along one road home from school one evening a week. Covid staggered times are to our advantage on this as the traffic is more spread out and quieter; he only needs to cross in front of our house. It means I walk DS2 home then loiter in the front for DS1. Having ASD, it's important to gradually build his independence and confidence and not overload him with it in the summer of y6.

My school friends living in a similar kind of area walked home much sooner. Living out of catchment. I was the odd one out having to wait for DM.

I'm not advocating turfing kids out to be feral 12 hours a day, but there is a happy medium between both extremes of supervision.

[Goosefoot]

A lot of the fear people have IMO comes from the media. There are certain things to be cautious about obviously, but a lot of people are explicitly very fearful of things that are deeply unlikely to ever happen. Like their kids being abducted from a park by strangers. That was never a common thing.

But at one time you didn't hear about it, because the media didn't report such things. Now you hear about a kid abducted in another country, or watch it on a police show on tv - but your lizard brain doesn't care how far away it was or that it was fiction. It just sees a risk.

And there are a heck of a lot of people who would give their kids more freedom but are scared of the social reaction.

I think another element is that we are something of a liability culture. We tend to look at liabilities alone, without considering the trade-offs. Like lack of exercise, or online predators, increased anxiety in children, etc.

[OutOntheTilez]

My worst fear when my sons were younger was that they would be kidnapped, and although my younger is 15, I still have this fear, although he goes to friends’ houses and waits at the bus stop by himself. I think my fear stems from the high profile cases here in America many years ago that made such an impression on me: Polly Klaas, Elizabeth Smart, Jonbenet Ramsey and Jaycee Dugard.

[Chumleymouse]

Kids see a lot more shit online ( porn , people doing drugs, abuse ) than they would do playing out on the street.
Traffic is the biggest danger but you've got to get them out there and learn how to deal with it.

[Changechangychange]

I grew up in a village in the 80s, and my childhood was nothing like yours OP. I played round at my friends houses (or in their gardens), or they played at mine, but everybody’s parents knew exactly where they were. We walked to school with parents. We walked to Brownies etc with parents. DM would never have let me go off for the day with no idea where I was, and neither would anybody else’s parents.

I live in an inner city now, and definitely wouldn’t let DS wander the streets all day - he’s far too vulnerable. I actually don’t want a seven year old to be tough and streetwise enough to deal with muggers and addicts hassling him on the street (which happens daily - they mostly ignore me because they know me now, but I see them hassling other people).

[Starlight101]

I was a kid roaming around for 12 hours a day in the early 80s right through my teenage years. I had fairly engaged, middle class parents who tried to keep track of me but it was the norm to go off for hours.

I was flashed at at least 3 times, someone attempted to pull me into a van once. An older teen sexually assaulted me once and I fought another one off. I never told anyone as this was quite the norm and happened to all my friends, some worse. I spent much of my teenage years climbing out of the window and spending all night hitchhiking to parties that were drug fuelled raves and running away from police raids. My best friend killed herself after finding her boyfriend (25) in bed with another girl at the age of 14. At 14 I was also in a sexual relationship with a 25 year old man. No one seemed to bat an eyelid. Looking back now it was very strange.

[BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze]

My children have had a much nicer childhood than I did in the 80s and 90s. It wasn’t independence, it was neglect. Parents didn’t have a clue where kids were for hours and hours at primary school age. Most kids I knew were very separate from their parents. I can’t stand it when people see it with rose tinted glasses. It was shite.

[Anotherthink]

I played out all the time as a kid. My parents never encouraged any activities or classes and I wish I'd done more as a kid/teenager to foster interests in things. A lot of the time I played out I was bored and so we were annoying little shits.

My own dc play out now but just in our cul de sac and we know all the neighbours with no passers through etc. Them playing out means that we have to stay home so it's not as often as when I was a kid. I can't imagine being glued to my house because the kids are playing out, that would be so much worse. We go out as a family because dp and I want to go out too. My parents never seemed to want to go out and I just can't imagine living like that.

[Goosefoot]

@Piwlyfbicsly

I think about it often. I know my 8 years old child is ready and responsible enough to stay home for half an hour while I shop, but I won't do that for the fear of being blamed and reported. There is no way he can have any kind of freedom. Not at all. I struggle to understand, how he will transition into being more independent when he's not allowed to go to school alone or come back from school 3 minutes away. If I did allow that, I would be the only parent who does that. I was born in mid 80s. By 8 I could come back home and make me lunch and wait for my parents to come back from work. They didn't need to pay all their wages to nannies. I wish my children are safe, of course I do. But I am concerned about their safety after 12 years old when they will be expected to suddenly grow older.

This sort of thing leads to some interesting phenomena. I've seen parents who still feel 13 year olds need babysitters for an evening out - not kids with issues or anything just regular 13 year olds. Or who won't let their 15 year old kids out alone with friends.

These kids will be able to drive at 16, will be potentially off to university at 18 or in some cases 17, living alone or having jobs. Some could be parents even if that's not an ideal it's not at all unique.

These kids are going to have very little chance to gradually work into that responsibility and freedom, or to make mistakes when the stakes are fairly low.

Teachers of older kids have noticed something similar - they get more hand-holding with work up through the teen years, and as a result many are learning how to manage a workload on their own in university or a job. They haven't made all the rookie mistakes and learned from them.

[Bobbi73]

I had a 70's childhood. We played out all the time, walked to school alone etc. and it was great. I now live in a city and the lock down was the first time my kids have ever played out. With hardly any cars about, loads of kids were playing out in the street. Now, of course, the cars are back and the kids are indoors again.
That said, I decided to let my son walk to school by himself from about 9 and a half. He has to cross a busy road but he always uses the crossing. I still find it hard but he's really matured and become more responsible and is thriving with more freedom. He can go to the park with friends which he loves. He has got a little old school phone so he can call if he needs to so I don't worry as much.
Its not stranger danger that worries me but the volume of traffic driving at ridiculous speeds. It's easy to say that in Germany they let their kids walk aged 5 but would they if they had to cross a road where people regularly drive at 40 or 50 mph and sometimes shoot red lights at a crossing?
It all depends on where you live.

[Oblomov20]

I disagree with 'most of the things that were wrong with the 70's'. I wasn't cold or hungry. I was loved and cared for.

The over-parenting of today, I detest. No wonder we have snowflakes and the incapable generation. They've been mollycoddled and every moment of their life monitored. No Tarquain can't come for a play date he has fencing on a Monday, extra tuition on a Tuesday.....no he couldn't possibly walk home on his own - it's not safe!

I have no idea why how within a generation we've swung from 'children fitting in with adults' to the polar opposite of 'extreme child centred rearing', with what appears to be no sense of balance.

When is the scale going to tip back towards a more balanced middle?

[BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze]

I struggle to understand, how he will transition into being more independent when he's not allowed to go to school alone or come back from school 3 minutes away.

He’s 8, he has many years ahead to become more independent.
My kids started to sometimes walk to and from school alone at the end of Year 5, so age 10. About 50% of the class did and 80% by year 6. My children are teens now and manage to be very independent despite not suffering the neglect of many children of the 80s/90s that so many people like to say was so great. There’s nothing wrong with treating children like children, looking after them and protecting them and making them the centre of your world. It makes them much more confident and independent in my experience, knowing you’re there no matter what and knowing you enjoy having them around and spending time with them.

[notangelinajolie]

I think parenting style goes full circle. If you had a strict upbringing then you are more likely to give your kids a more relaxed upbringing. Likewise if you had chilled parents you are probably going to be determined that your kids will have a more structured childhood.
My parents who were children in WW2 lived in terror for parts of their childhood and allowed me and my brother who were both born in the 60's with most of our childhood in the 70's to run free with not a care in the world.
I, on the other hand have been quite strict with my kids because I think kids need rules.
And going full circle - my DD is determined that unlike her upbringing, her kids will have a childhood free of rules.

[Kidneybingo]

Mine are teens now. It was definitely traffic that gave me worries when they started to go out and about on their own, rather than crime. Up to 13 years old I played with kids in the street or our gardens. But after that, we stopped, because we all went to different schools and so by teenaged years, I was home more. I remember finding it really unusual when I started teaching, that teenagers just left the house at 3.30pm after school didn't come home until 10pm. So even back in the 70s and 80s, not everyone roamed far and wide.

[Pixxie7]

all Oblomoy20@ agree with you, the way things are going kids will have a lot of problems as adults. Life is tough as an adult and unless children are slowly introduced to that they will not cope.

[murteplod]

People want to give their kids a better childhood than they had. They remember all the negatives of the way they were raised and they want their kids to have something better.

[Graciebobcat]

1970s lax parenting is why so many public information films had to be made to stop kids running into the road or playing on railway tracks, in grain silos or climbing pylons.

My DDs have had plenty of freedom as is appropriate to their age though, and probably if anything slightly more than I did as a child in the 1980s.

[Blueberries0112]

My theory is that back in the 70’s you had more stay at home moms and people working outdoors instead of indoors playing video games or watching tv. If a child fell off the bike, who is going to noticed? No one is outside to help them

[lovelemoncurd]

There's research linking exactly this issue of too much structured activity and lack of risk taking to an increased level of narcissism in those kids when they grow into adults.

[Graciebobcat]

Generation Z seem like a fantastic bunch of kids to me and I think most parents do pretty well at parenting. Thinking the younger generation are not as good as yours and that things aren't as good as in your day (the current strange circumstances excepted) is something people have always done. It's a sign of starting to have an old and curmudgeonly mindset, no matter what age you are.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

This thread has centred on how society is far more aware of the pitfalls of giving our children limitless freedom. There is also the other aspect, which is how society responds if something also happens to a child for often the parents are blamed. I think the Madeleine McCann abduction was a watershed moment for many of us. Obviously this case was different as the children weren’t roaming free, but it highlighted just how vulnerable children are.

I am so sorry to read so many stories of abuse. To everyone, who has shared, thank you.

[monkeytennis97]

You see it in schools too...For many years I've felt that the children I teach (secondary) are more babyish and infantalised than I or my friends were in the '80s. Massive sweeping statement but I've taught thousands of them: The average 16/17 year old now (talking girls here as I have mainly taught girls in my career) has the maturity level I had at 12/13 as they are not as resilient or as aware (beyond superficialities) of others outside their experiences and technology has actually stunted their growth.

[Mypathtriedtokillme]

I’m a farm kid too and actually wonder how we didn’t die.
There was a few broken bones and occasional near drownings.

Swimming in Dams at a frighteningly young age alone or making homemade rafts The going rafting down a river, riding motorbikes, 4 wheelers, trikes and ponies, Riding ponies with only a halter, lead rope, no helmet and racing my sisters, feeding stock while one of my siblings drive the tractor and we chucked out hay, making witches potions by mixing all of the chemicals and things we could find, rolling down hills inside a tractor tires generally doing things that are dangerous without any supervision.
Sitting in the car while mum and dad were at the local social club with a packet of chips, bottle of coke and a torch to play spotlight (with all of the other local kids), biking to neighbors km away. Riding ponies alone in the nearby national park during hunting season.

Mum was at work and my stepdad was somewhere on the farm.
Only things we had true supervision with were guns (hunting was done with my dad) and we had to leave a note where we had gone.

One of my neighbours burnt down their hay barn (teenagers smoking) and another farmer and his flock of sheep got hit by a logging truck on a blind corner when we was shifting sheep.

My mum is actually horrified by what we actually got up to that she had no idea about.
These are the reasons my kids don’t have complete Borderline neglectful freedom. (Plus they are 3 and 6)

[monkeytennis97]

@notangelinajolie

I think parenting style goes full circle. If you had a strict upbringing then you are more likely to give your kids a more relaxed upbringing. Likewise if you had chilled parents you are probably going to be determined that your kids will have a more structured childhood.
My parents who were children in WW2 lived in terror for parts of their childhood and allowed me and my brother who were both born in the 60's with most of our childhood in the 70's to run free with not a care in the world.
I, on the other hand have been quite strict with my kids because I think kids need rules.
And going full circle - my DD is determined that unlike her upbringing, her kids will have a childhood free of rules.

Great post.