To say no to ex?

[Givemeabreak88]

My ex has never had the children over night, we have been split up 4 years. He has a 3 bed but rents out the rooms to lodgers as he would rather have money than have his kids over night (money that we don’t see) he has made the suggestion of having them over night despite the fact he has a 3 bed house and there are 2/3 (not 100% sure) random people living in his house, meaning not only is he asking to have them around strangers who he doesn’t really know, they also wouldn’t have their own room to stay in or beds?! (There is 4 kids but he is only asking to take the oldest 3) Aibu to think that most mums wouldn’t agree to this? He thinks I’m unreasonable to say no but I don’t actually think he is even expecting to have them anyway I think it’s more of “well I would have them but you won’t let me” knowing full well it isn’t a possibility. Would you send your children over night with this set up?

I’d first ask, and where are they going to sleep?

How old are they?

There is absolutely not a chance in hell that I would agree to this. Kids deserve a safe space with their parent. Tell him to sort his shit out

The children are girl (9) and two boys (8 and 6) youngest girl 3 but he wouldn’t be taking her just the oldest 3. I’ve said that it’s not appropriate but he is very good at making me think I am being unreasonable

Not a chance on earth I would let my children sleep over in these circumstances.

Thanks, some have said I’m unreasonable so would be interested to hear why?? The oldest girl is 9 so would be expected to share a room with her father and two brothers?? Also ex has only ever been inconsistent with contact he didn’t see the children for the first year after we split up (his choice) then seen them again then disappeared again now is back again (he has mental health issues which is says is the reason for this) I’ve never met any of the people living there.

No chance! I’d definitely not agree to that.

I don't think non resident fathers can ever please anyone on here. None of us know the facts - he may have lodgers as he needs to pay his bills. I don't think 'tell him to sort his shit out' is helpful at all. Ask him OP what the sleeping arrangements would be and then take it from there. Don't go on the defensive because he has asked and don't automatically think the worst as this will come across as confrontational. Have a discussion with him and see if it can work. If it doesn't then say so. The children may be putting pressure on him to stay and you owe it to them to work with him on this.

He rents out his rooms so he doesn’t have to work, he pays £7 a week maintenance. His house is HA. He asked me if they would all fit in a double bed so I think that’s what his plans were.

Not in a billion years. No one in the world would think this was a good idea. Well, apart from men obviously. Why ARE they so feckless???

In that case reply to him with a series of questions - where will the children sleep - who will they be in contact with whilst in your house - how can you assure me if their safety around the lodgers etc etc. Don't just assume as you will just wind yourself up.

@bakewelltarty why should op bend over backwards to ensure this man has a safe environment for his children?? It’s literally the most basic part of being a parent.

I’m sure no one is calling op every day making sure she is capable and bringing her children up safely and well. Why do women have to handhold idiots? It’s actually prettty fucking simple being a parent, but it seems men can just be utterly useless and get away with it. Bonkers!

I take it he's not actually allowed to sublet rooms if they're HA?

Tell him to fuck off. If he is in a HA property and he is letting out his rooms does this not mean he is subletting? I wouldn’t have thought that would have been allowed. Also pretty sure HMRC don’t know he is subletting the rooms either!

@teddyisahe - are you seriously saying that having a conversation with her childrens's father is 'bending over backwards'!! It's responsible parenting.

I really think this is why so many children suffer in post break up families. Attitudes like yours.

He’s says his allowed and apparently they are aware he rents the rooms out. He finds people on spare room and gumtree etc. He changes them frequently, they are not friends of his or anything like that. I know at one point he was renting out all 3 rooms and sleeping in the living room but I’m unaware if that’s still the case which is why I say 2/3.

It’s not subletting because he lives there.

He will be subletting the rooms he doesn’t use. I’m sure this isn’t allowed x

It doesn't sound ideal from what you've said OP but I still think m you need to check the facts by discussing it with him and then take it from there.

Are his lodgers full time or Mon-Fri lodgers?

Tbh if you think he's pulling a "I'd have them, but you won't let me" I'd tell him once he's bought a camp bed for himself (obviously he'll have to sleep in the room with them, not in the lounge, but there's not enough space in the bed for him as well as the kids) to let you know and you can set a date.

You'll find out quite quickly if he's serious or not.

@Guitarstrings

He will be subletting the rooms he doesn’t use. I’m sure this isn’t allowed x

As long as they are notified and you've done it all properly HA tenants can be allowed lodgers. It's just strict to make sure it's not full-on sub-letting.

Nope nope and nope.

I wouldn't put my 9 year old girl in that situation. I'd probably not put the other 2 in it either. Not enough privacy.

The lodgers live there full time. He says it’s allowed and I’ve looked into it a bit and it seems it is. His housing are aware of the situation apparently. I’ve spoken to him and he asked if I thought they would fit into a double bed. So it would be the 3 children expected to sleep together in his room in a double bed.

Three children in a double bed is okay if it’s only for one night. Would be fun.

But, I wouldn’t be comfortable with them being a house with strangers.

He’s trying to guilt trip you. He knows it’s not something you will agree to. He must know it’s a ridiculous ask of you, and it’s not fair on the children. But you see from his point of view he’s made the offer, mad as it is.