To say no to ex?

[Givemeabreak88]

My ex has never had the children over night, we have been split up 4 years. He has a 3 bed but rents out the rooms to lodgers as he would rather have money than have his kids over night (money that we don’t see) he has made the suggestion of having them over night despite the fact he has a 3 bed house and there are 2/3 (not 100% sure) random people living in his house, meaning not only is he asking to have them around strangers who he doesn’t really know, they also wouldn’t have their own room to stay in or beds?! (There is 4 kids but he is only asking to take the oldest 3) Aibu to think that most mums wouldn’t agree to this? He thinks I’m unreasonable to say no but I don’t actually think he is even expecting to have them anyway I think it’s more of “well I would have them but you won’t let me” knowing full well it isn’t a possibility. Would you send your children over night with this set up?

Wouldn’t be fun for my oldest, she wouldn’t like it at all.

I’d feel sorry for the youngest for being excluded. She might struggle with that.

Could you tell him if he wants them overnight to book a family room at a travelodge or something? You usually get a king size and two singles in them

Nope. Not a chance in hell I would do this. Agree with you he is expecting you to say no so he can look like he is trying whilst doing fuck all.

Dont play his game. Tell him no, not appropriate but you are open to other suggestions of him spending time with his children.

Nope. Not a chance in hell I would do this. Agree with you he is expecting you to say no so he can look like he is trying whilst doing fuck all.

Yes it’s exactly that. I don’t believe for one second he is actually asking to have them over night.

Random strangers off gumtree? Absolutely no way should your children be staying there

This just shows how useful he is as a dad.
If he's subletting, then that's income, so he should be paying more than £7 a week.

I wonder if he declares this income to HMRC or to the Council who pay him benefits.

I'm assuming he was once half decent for you to have had 4 children with him.

No way.

No I wouldn’t agree to this.

That would be a yeah-nah, from me. Once I stopped laughing. And found out he was actually serious. That is not a situation that any responsible parent would seriously suggest, or acquiesce to.

It sounds like the kids must barely know him never mind the random lodgers.
No, I wouldn’t be allowing this either OP. He thinks he can treat your children like play things without their own individual feelings and needs. He’s a joke of a “father”.

Yes they are from the internet and he said he changes them regularly as he said something about not liking them staying too long as he doesn’t want them getting “rights” so changes them every 6 months ish. He’s had issues with a couple of them not wanting to leave as he’s told me about that in the past. He has no idea of their back ground or anything like that. I’m sure they also wouldn’t like having 3 kids in the house and the noise that will come with!

And to answer they do barely know him. He has seen them a handful of times in 4 years, when we broke up he went a year without seeing them, then he came back and disappeared again, then a year later he came back again, then again he disappeared and now he is back again. He has been seeing them since June but the discussion came up because he wants to see them once a fortnight for the day, and he was like “well I would have them overnight but I can’t” knowing full well it’s not appropriate, I don’t believe he thinks it is, it’s just to make it look like he would have them more but it’s me not allowing it.

I would not allow this.

Even if it was a mother and the father had residency. It is an entirely inappropriate situation to have 3 children sharing bathrooms etc with strangers in some sort of doss house when they have safe secure beds at home.

You aren't denying him access to see his children at all. Just not agreeing that his housing situation is suitable.

Welcome him to take you to court and let a judge tell him if you like.

My partner refused to have his children over when he had to live in unsuitable accommodate suddenly. Flatmate smoked weed and partied too much. Whole place stank. That's what good fathers do put the children first.

Report him to hmrc. Your Cms may go up. Then you can spend more on your dc and accept their flakey fuckwit df cares not a jot... Flogging a dead horse is far too much effort with no return up. Just call it /him a day. Let him go to court. A judge WILL tell him the dc need a bed each. Not necessarily a room but def a bed. He needs to make that happen. Or stay the hell away.

I’m so glad that I’m not being unreasonable. The youngest would feel left out but he has made it clear he wouldn’t want to take her, don’t think he wants the headache of a toddler and tbh there’s no way on earth I would be sending her anyway, she barely knows him at least the older ones have had a bit more of a relationship with him. I didn’t think a judge would agree to this set up but I know he wouldn’t bother with court. It’s not even just the strangers but all their friends etc that will be in and out of the house. His house is a bit of an open house, it has lots of people coming and going.

Imo he has chosen the path of least resistance.. Leave him to it for the safety of your dc...
They won't come to harm not having him around. Quite the opposite..

Report him to hmrc. Your Cms may go up.

Absolutely this. How much is he charging? Why is he only paying £7 a month if he has this income? He sounds a bit clueless, lodgers have bugger all rights regardless of how long they’ve been somewhere.

There’s no way he should be having the children in that situation: you can’t have any idea who these lodgers are.

It’s £7 because he is on benefits. I don’t know how much exactly the rooms are rented for but he lives in central London so I imagine quite a lot!

How did a single man get a three bed property from a HA? Did he lie and say he had his kids 50/50?

No wayy would I let them stay in a house with strangers. Friends of his, possibly.

Speak to CMS and see if they'll look into a variation. The standard £7 can be changed if you can prove other income.

I think sharing a room with their Dad would be ok if the children wanted to and if they had a normal parent child relationship (without a 1 year gap) but neither of those things are true here. My 9 and 11 year olds would be quite happy to share with their Dad on holiday e.g. in a tent or hotel although they would want privacy to change.

How did a single man get a three bed property from a HA? Did he lie and say he had his kids 50/50?

No he had it long before we met as it was his mums house but she died so he was allowed to keep the property as he was living in it at the time.

I'm surprised he was allowed to keep it.

If they were long term lodgers that he knew well then I’d be ok with it. But not with virtual strangers that come and go.