Taking DD out. Please help.

[SpookyTheGhoulfriendScarer]

I'm posting for traffic.
I'm sorry, I know this is hated, but I please please need advice.
Although you ladies are total sharks, you know your parenting stuff and I trust you to be able to offer me advice.

(Context, kids sleeping, I'm crying on th toilet knowing they will wake soon.)
We can't leave the house with DD been like this since lockdown. Cant leave with her af all. She loses control for no reason.
What can I do? I'd it just s cae of she outgrows it in 7mo!

Ps dd2 did learn behaviours to the extent she was put into the autism school programme but by 3 it was obvious she had simply copied her sister (and friends kids on the spectrum). Both are at university, and several of the kids dd was at specialist preschool with are also at university.

Sending love OP. It is so difficult, my son also has ASD and struggles being in his pram but he has no sense of danger so we have to use the pram. We bought a pram with a very large hood that he likes pulled right down and recently got him a weighted blanket which he doesn’t let go of so covers himself with that in the pram.
It also helps him to calm down when he has his hood up. We have bought him some toddler headphones so he can sit in the pram and watch toy story (he only thing he will watch) so it makes walks possible and nice for our other 2 DC as we can still go out.
Could you try any of these?
Definitely look into nursery, my son goes once a week 8-4 and it helps to have a break for me and helps him too.

Saw after you already know some stuff as I hadn't RTFT so please don't think I'm being patronising. Sensory overload is likely the culprit, caused by being in so often so outdoors becomes less familiar. I'm finding it harder to go out the more used to being home I get.

I'd suggest splitting parenting sometimes and one takes the younger out while the other stays in with the older. You can swap this but it will hopefully allow the younger to not become scared of outside through learned behaviour.

Have you tried a visual schedule?

Draw her in her buggy - or walking.

Walking along the pavement.

Something solid she recognises outside.

Picture of home

Picture of tv or biscuit or something she likes.

Make it really short to start with a few minutes. Just go out see the tree or bus stop, whatever. Come home have the safe known thing at home.

She may just need to understand what is happening and that it will end. Even children who can communicate verbally find lots of comfort and security with a visual list.
(Just like many adults write lists)

You can keep referring to the schedule, and ticking things off as you go. So she knows it is passing and will end.

Apologies if this is obvious. I Imagine you have been through this before.

I haven't read the whole thread, but it sounds like anxiety (probably connected to ASD).
My son is like this, but he's slightly older now, we are waiting for a diagnosis too.
We encourage outdoors activity like trampolining in the garden.
Lots of dog walks in nature/the woods.
I read on here that ASD children should spend at least 3 hours outside. We don't achieve that, but we do try and walk everywhere which I think helps (he doesn't like walking, but I find it helps centre him). He probably gets at least 2 hours outdoors every day - rain or shine.
I'm lucky, we have a safe garden and a dog, I would really struggle without those 2 things. (Its a struggle regardless!)
I try and minimise to much socialising for him outside of school, he finds it too much.
My DS preferred lockdown to 'real' life, he hates change/unpredictability, so once we settled into lockdown he was calmer.
Can you keep some of the good habits of lockdown?

Hi OP, it's sensory overload causing your little DD to meltdown which is telling you in the only way she knows how that she cannot cope in that situation.

For her, the outside world's too loud, too bright, too fast, too tight (book title on sensory issues) Try everything to cut out the intensity of the outside world, ear defenders, hat, sunglasses, shady cover for the buggy to 'screen' the brightness, something comforting for her to touch and hold, clothes she can tolerate.

Sensory Behaviour, this might help
www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?

Visual schedules and so many other useful resources www.twinkl.co.uk/resources/home-early-years

Can you spend lots of time in the front garden, then getting her to the open gate put not through it and then just one step out the boundary?

Basically very tiny incremental steps over weeks?

Thank you so much for all the suggestions, I appreciate it so much!

To answer a few questions, DD is 28 months. I bought a double buggie but DD refuses to go in it. The comment made about 'going rigid as a board' had me in stitches, I'm sure every parent has delt with that 😅 My DD does that if I try to get her to do anything she doesnt want to do.

She mostly walks because she refuses all of her buggies now. Before she turned 1 we were always out and about, she loved it. She loved people watching and often sat in her buggie laughing hysterically because someone walked past up. I loved it!

Now though she would barge past someone like they're not even there, she has no sense of danger so being out is a constant fight because she wants to run on the road and gets frustrated because I wont let her. We walked into a shop to buy her a new jacket yesterday and she didnt like that we had to go in a specific door and lost control so we had to take her out.

Yes I do explain to her everything we are going to do as well as repeat it over and over as we are doing it so she knows what to expect. It's like she doesnt understand or doesnt listen or maybe just wants to do what she wants to do because it doesnt really help. I am going to try photos of familiar places to see if visual instructions work better.

@FakeCutlassesAreAGatewayWeapon I dont think you're patronising at all, I really appreciate your advice and I'm grateful you took the time to post

@goisey Yes, I think some of the difficulty is DD having her own agenda, but i have also noticed anxiety.

I recently took her for an radiology test to rule out hearing issues (she past). DD was fine and happy but became distressed when entering the test room. The whole test was conducted with DD thrashing and screaming. She stopped (like a switch being flicked) and was happy again as soon as we left the room. Then we walked to the stairs, walked down 3 steps and she started thrashing and screaming again. I have no idea why, although I have noticed her getting stressed at home if her foot misses a step and she will run and touch the step she missed (I take her hand as we go down but she lifts her feet and doesnt walk down properly). Anyway we get to the bottom and she is suddenly back to happy.

The thing I'm confused with is that she seems to seek out sensory things rather than avoid it. My DS avoided sensory stimulation as much as possible and would become physically ill. DD, even as a baby, gets anxious and becomes distressed if the car stops which means we often avoid driving places we know we will be stuck in traffic.

I like the idea of a weighted blanket, where would I look for one?

*audiology not radiology!

It does sound very much like a sensory overload. Talk to the professionals and see if you can get headphones to block out noise. I read on here once that someone's child went in to meltdown outside and they worked out it was due to a high pitched noise that the adults couldn't hear. Headphones sorted it out and calmed her down. Good luck.

Some children will stim to give themselves positive sensory input that they are in control of inorder to counterbalance the negative input that they are receiving.

You could try making your own weighted lap blanket to try it out by sewing some throwing bean bags together and perhaps covering with a faux fur material for stroking.

Please apply for DLA- this will qualify you for two year old funding and ease the burden of financing the nursery place

If shell tolerate a rucksack then get one with a handle and then you can run/ jog together.

It sounds like she might need stimulation to aid proprioception (sense of limbs in space) things like wobble boards and spinning chairs, like do one might help

*ikea

How does she get on with two step instructions (it's a while since my Dd was 2 I've forgotten what's they can do) as in take your toy then sit on the sofa. If she has problems falling multisite instructions there could be an issue with working memory which would also suggest that even though you've told her what you are doing and where you are going that she has forgotten it, when you try the visual prompts this might improve.

If it takes a while for her to follow instructions then it can be a processing problem, the problem here is that we think the child hasn't heard so repeat our instruction or get frustrated with them, they then have to process the new instruction and nothing gets achieved apart from you both get frustrated.

I'm surprised they sent her for an ASD assessment so young it usually doesn't happen until age 6 or so IME.

Oh my word, what a great example of the ignorant bollocks that always gets stated as fact on MN.

If a child has a very obvious presentation of autism, a diagnosis can happen before the age of three. My son was diagnosed at just turned five, although if the waiting lists were shorter he would definitely have been diagnosed earlier.

At least you know this OP.

From what you describe, it does sound typical of an autistic toddler. Been there, done that. It’s so hard.

Someone mentioned DLA above - you can apply for this without a diagnosis. It’s all about the extra care a child needs over and above a typical child of their age. Cerebra do a fantastic guide to filling out the form, it really walks you through it step by step. You need to describe your child on their worst day, as it were. It feels brutal but there’s no point underplaying it.

Hi, my son was the same at that age. He's now 5 (ASD). It was all anxiety based. A complete overload and he was scared basically. He didn't want to come downstairs, let alone go out.

What helped:

Regular short trips, so he learnt a route, ie: village shop.
Allowing plenty of time so my frustration didn't show.
Using a pram. I had to physically fight to get him in, but the pram became his safe place, he could pull the hood over his head if needed. It was good for me to get out into the world as well. I still have a pram for emergencies. I don't care what people think.
Eventually he's accepted ear defenders

Plenty of snacks and 'new' toys to pull out when needed.

We still have issues once out. This week I ventured out on my own with both kids and it was awful. A reminder not to do that again. It's very isolating, but you will find your way.

To add, we do now and next.

Now we are going for a walk...next we will go in the shop.

I meant ear defenders - not head phones!!! Div that I am!!x

Thanks, I never thought of headphones. I'll give them a try. Are there a particular type I need to buy? Or just any old headphones?

We have a huge back garden and fixed it up for her during lockdown. She spent alot of time playing outside and loves being out so she does have an outside safe space. It is really just going beyond the garden she becomes stressed.

Some children will stim to give themselves positive sensory input that they are in control of inorder to counterbalance the negative input that they are receiving.

DD stims alot. Head tapping, head banging, rocking. A new thing she started recently is bumping the side of her head repeatedly on me or her DF and rubbing her face all over my face. I can only assume that's a kiss or a cuddle 😂

To those who mentioned DLA, DP mentioned applying but I wasnt sure because we are only at the start of her assessment. Is this not the case? I'm conflicted because of something the paediatrician said. On one hand she said it's highly likely DD is autistic but could take a year for official diagnosis because she needs to be assessed in a nursery / social setting. But when I asked if she knew of any support groups where I could get advice etc for dealing with DD's challenging behaviours she rolled her eyes and said "why she's not even diagnosed yet". Made me feel awful tbh!
How far along the assessment process were you when you applied? What evidence would I need?

lurkingattheback

Hi, my son was the same at that age. He's now 5 (ASD). It was all anxiety based. A complete overload and he was scared basically. He didn't want to come downstairs, let alone go out.

I'm so glad you found a way to make things easier for your DS. My DS had awful anxiety and by the age of 8 became terrified to leave the house. We got through it and at 21yo he is about to sit his final exam to be a fully qualified electrician as well as finished saving for a house of his own. So I know an ASD diagnosis isn't the end of the world. However, DS's ASD presented much different to my DD's and the behaviours, stimming etc wasnt as extreme.

Just realised the headphones suggested are ear defenders!

If she’s a sensory seeker then actually headphones connected to a cheap MP3 player/old phone could work. My eldest (Also autistic) likes listening to music constantly. She finds the familiar noise comforting and it helps her cope when the chaotic sounds are replaced by ones she likes. She needs a familiar form of sensory input of some kind to focus on other inputs. At school she draws so her sense of touch is engaged familiarly so she can listen.

One of her teachers used to ignore the recommendation of letting her draw believing it to be distracting. Since she had no diagnosis then her mentor wasn’t able to force it as the adjustments were recommended but couldn’t be mandated. Once it became mandated the same teacher was shocked when her grades jumped up. It was entirely because she could focus better on what was being taught.

We got DS his weighted blanket from John Lewis. It was £45 and only 2kg which is ideal for him as he’s only 2, almost 3.

Do be careful with weighted blankets, they are a real fashion "thing" at the moment.

They are an occupational therapy aid and should be very carefully calculated for the correct weight and type of filling for the child or adult and are not designed to be used when a child is asleep.

Please research carefully.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime I just re-read your posts. DD isn't the best at following 2 step instructions. I will ask her to come and get her high chair tray and take it to her chair but most of the time she doesnt respond. She doesnt often respond to her name either.
The wiggle board and spinning chair is a great idea. DD loves spinning so I think she would love the chair!

@FakeCutlassesAreAGatewayWeapon it's such a shame when you're stuck with a teacher that wont listen. Im glad it got sorted. My DS was lucky, his primary teachers were great. He struggled to concentrate in class too. His teacher managed to get hold of a wiggle cushion for him which made a huge difference.