To not want to visit my dsis because she has ocd

greteld · 2020-10-23T17:05:10+00:00

I know that OCD is shit. My dsis has it. I wish she didn't have it but I feel crap saying this but it makes her a really difficult person. She snaps at people, tells them to wash their hands, snaps at the kids. I am constantly on eggshells and it's not relaxing being around her as you don't know when she will go mad. Overall she's fine and I love her but I honestly feel I can't keep seeing her too often. She's not like this with everyone. Just me and my mum - the "soft" ones in the family. She seems to rein it in with other people. Yabu - I'm being an insensitive cow Yanbu - it's totally understandable

CareBear50 · 23/10/2020 18:06

I think you need to talk to her OP and tell her in a kind way how you're feeling.

Maybe some CBT therapy would help her x

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2020 18:40

Suffering from OCD does not give her a free pass to be abusive. YANBU.

Grapefruitcauliflower · 23/10/2020 22:15

YANBU: if she can rein it in for other people, she can do it for you & DC (I say that as a lifelong OCD sufferer!) I’d have a gentle but honest chat with her.

Original poster

greteld · 23/10/2020 22:51

Grapefruitcauliflower I don't know anyone else with OCD. Can I please ask - is treating people unequally part of OCD. I understand the wanting people to comply is the ocd but choosing to snap at some but not others is the thing I hate.

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Leaannb · 23/10/2020 23:04

@greteld

Grapefruitcauliflower I don't know anyone else with OCD. Can I please ask - is treating people unequally part of OCD. I understand the wanting people to comply is the ocd but choosing to snap at some but not others is the thing I hate.

No. Its being a manipulative shit

IdkickJilliansass · 23/10/2020 23:05

I have OCD and no you can’t be selective

Leaannb · 23/10/2020 23:09

@greteld

Grapefruitcauliflower I don't know anyone else with OCD. Can I please ask - is treating people unequally part of OCD. I understand the wanting people to comply is the ocd but choosing to snap at some but not others is the thing I hate.

Oh..BTW...22 years ofilitary service made me OCD. She is being a manipulative shit because she sees you and your mother as weak. Next time she does it...Leave and tell her why. Just because you are sick does not give you the right to be an asshole. Do this everytime

Shimy · 23/10/2020 23:30

That doesn’t sound at all like OCD. Has she actually been diagnosed?

Rosebel · 23/10/2020 23:32

It doesn't sound like OCD to me. It sounds like she picks on you because she knows you will take it..
If she was the same with everyone else then I'd say try and be more understanding but sounds like it's just an excuse to be nasty.

Treaclepie19 · 23/10/2020 23:32

I have OCD. I'd say I do have to try not to snap at my dh because I'm around him all the time and sometimes it can be so overwhelming trying to work through problems caused by his actions.
Of course, that's my issue not his and that's why I work on keeping calm and not taking it out on him.
I'd talk to her and explain how its making you feel.

saraclara · 23/10/2020 23:38

My friend has (entirely genuine) OCD. He's worse with me than with other people, though he can only rein it in to a certain degree with others too.

It's incredibly hard work for him to control it, so to be around someone who he trusts and for whom he doesn't have to fight it every single moment, is really valuable for him.

Do I sometimes wish I wasn't that friend, so that I got a break from having to deal with his issues? Yep, sometimes I do. But I'd rather have my problems with his condition, than his,

MaxNormal · 23/10/2020 23:42

I would say that she probably reins it in less around you and your mother as she's closer to you, ands masks more with other people. Its possible just really stressful as l the stress gets internalised.
That being said, you're entitled to being treated with kindness and respect.

Gettinggrumpier · 23/10/2020 23:42

It may be that she monitors herself more with other people but doing that generates a lot of internal stress. It could be that she 'releases' a lot of that stress by saying something to you, that she can't with others that are not close to her.

It's not nice if she is making you stressed as well and walking on eggshells around her. So use that closeness to her to vent yourself and tell her how exactly how she makes you feel. Then it will be up to her to moderate herself around you. If she doesn't then you won't feel so guilty if you then spend less time with her.

Italiangreyhound · 23/10/2020 23:49

I have OCD, I think it is quite mild. It was much worse as a teen.

I know that my darling husband was very good in that he didn't 'indulge' my questioning (is the door locked/is that OK/do you think something has happened etc). He'd simply answer once and that really helped me.

I think it is quite fair to explain to your sister that her behavior is very hard for you and you need to limit your time with her. If she can control it for others she should be able to control it for you.

I agree it can be very hard to control which is why I think she needs some/some more therapy/counselling. I had mine for anxiety on the NHS and it was really great (CBT).

Original poster

greteld · 24/10/2020 00:05

saraclara does your friend shout and snap at you when you say he is worse is that what you mean?

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Original poster

greteld · 24/10/2020 00:09

Gettinggrumpier ah ok so this sort of selective treatment of people is OCD.
I wouldn't say she is closer to me but I know for a fact that me and my mother are the softer ones and an easy target. It's so confusing. I'm trying to understand but it's so frustrating.

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Original poster

greteld · 24/10/2020 00:12

Italiangreyhound she has had several bouts of cbt on the NHS but not really seen a massive difference. I have previously spoken to her about it and she becomes really defensive and says it's her OCD and I'm being unsupportive and crap. She just can't see that she's different with us.

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jacks11 · 24/10/2020 00:21

I think you need to speak to your sister about how she makes you feel. It’s not ok that she is behaving this way towards you. Maybe if she realises that it upsets you and if she continues that she will see you less often she’ll rein it in a little more. If she can do it for others, then she can do it for you too.

Perhaps she needs some professional help/more help if she’s already had some? Perhaps she does not rein it in as much with you and your mum because she feels more comfortable with you and does not need to be so careful- but that does not mean she is right to continue to do this.

saraclara · 24/10/2020 00:23

@greteld

saraclara does your friend shout and snap at you when you say he is worse is that what you mean?

When he's well, he can reflect, knows that he is worse with me, and has explained why (though he doesn't use that as justification - he hates himself for treating me that way)

But when he's in the midst of a massive downturn, if I said that, it would make it worse.

If you're ever going to have a conversation with your sister, it would have to be when she's feeling reasonably okay. But I can understand why you wouldn't want to. I never bring the subject up when he's okay, because even talking about it can lead to a massive mood swing. So we only really talk about it when he brings it up.

Terrace58 · 24/10/2020 00:36

It runs in my family. The sufferers know they can relax around us so we tend to really see the condition. They all work very hard in public, work, or school to pretend.

That said, it’s never ok to make those around you accept cruelty or anger. If she is getting overwhelmed she should tell you that and even remove herself from the situation to calm down.

Italiangreyhound · 24/10/2020 00:39

greteld "Italiangreyhound she has had several bouts of cbt on the NHS but not really seen a massive difference. I have previously spoken to her about it and she becomes really defensive and says it's her OCD and I'm being unsupportive and crap. She just can't see that she's different with us."

CBT doesn't work for everyone. I actually had mine for anxiety, which did help.

At the end of the day you don't have to spend time with her and you don't have to take the children (I would imagine). Can you meet in a neutral spot, might that be easier?

Good luck.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/10/2020 00:42

I don't think you need to "talk" to your sister, I think you need to tell her that you will no longer put up with her abuse, and if she refuses to stop, you will no longer be spending time with her. Refuse to be her punching bag.

Lemonpizza · 24/10/2020 00:43

@Treaclepie19

I have OCD. I'd say I do have to try not to snap at my dh because I'm around him all the time and sometimes it can be so overwhelming trying to work through problems caused by his actions. Of course, that's my issue not his and that's why I work on keeping calm and not taking it out on him. I'd talk to her and explain how its making you feel.

Yes, I have it too and other disorders and often am like this with those closest to me.

completely agree that OP needs to have a talk with sister

Lemonpizza · 24/10/2020 00:44

@Italiangreyhound

greteld "Italiangreyhound she has had several bouts of cbt on the NHS but not really seen a massive difference. I have previously spoken to her about it and she becomes really defensive and says it's her OCD and I'm being unsupportive and crap. She just can't see that she's different with us."

CBT doesn't work for everyone. I actually had mine for anxiety, which did help.

At the end of the day you don't have to spend time with her and you don't have to take the children (I would imagine). Can you meet in a neutral spot, might that be easier?

Good luck.

The issue with CBT is it is so short term for such a deep rooted issue as OCD.

Original poster

greteld · 24/10/2020 09:37

I thought cbt was the best therapy for this but I obviously don't know.
I don't know if her personality has blurred into the OCD. All her bad behaviour is because if the OCD that is what she says.
I'm going to try and talk to her today

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