Made to feel guilty that children don’t have really ‘play dates’

[marmite79]

Just that really. Obviously covid has made it more difficult but even before then it didn’t happen often.

DS has autism which makes it more difficult and he’s not really interested anyway. Dd only started school last year and didn’t have any play dates as such but we’d often see her friends at the local park etc. Then covid happened..

Dd’s teacher asked if we managed to do any play dates with her friends etc

I told her not really because of covid and we don’t know many people with young children. She seemed disappointed.

My children don’t have any cousins or anything as we are only ones to have kids so far.

She sees all her friends at school, she often sees them at the park. Is it really that bad she doesn’t have play dates?! Given the current times to?

What is she implying? That my daughter is going to miss out if she doesn’t?

DS’s closest friend has a mum who is extremely anxious about the virus so that won’t happen! She has another friend who lives on the street and sometimes we go for a walk with her.

My children are not able to play out alone.

I remember my mum always asking who I wanted around for tea. Honestly I didn’t want anyone around. I like my own company 🤦‍♀️ And hated going to other people’s houses. Still do!

Dd is very sociable. Has no issues with socialising so what’s the need of regular play dates?

Also. I think a lot of the parents around here are cliquey. If the parents are friends the children often have play dates. But we aren’t overly close to anyone around here..

The need for regular play dates is because your daughter is so social. Herr need for socialization is not being met. At least in the teacher's eyes. Of you think yoir child's socialization needs are being met tell jer to bin off

I don’t blame you really. I wouldn’t want my child hanging out with cliquey crowds either. If you both enjoy your own company, I think it’s perfectly fine.

I’m the same. Children have asd and never get invited for play dates. They don’t play out either as we live on a main road in London. I feel bad for them but not much I can do can’t force people to invite them places. I don’t have friends with kids.

If your dd is happy then that’s all that matters.
My dd didn’t really have that many play dates but she has lots of friends and is happy, that’s the important thing .

Would your daughter like play dates? That’s all that matters really.

@marmite79

Also. I think a lot of the parents around here are cliquey. If the parents are friends the children often have play dates. But we aren’t overly close to anyone around here..

Replace cliquey with friendly. If parents are going to host an adult and child so that the DC can play together, they are more likely to invite a friend, not a stranger.

Well. If she wants play dates, then they're heaps of fun and free (save a bit of tea). I don't think because you like your own company, it means that everybody else feels the same.

DD is very sociable though OP - it’s you that didn’t want to socialise as a kid. These comments about “ cliques” Is your perception of friendship groups. I think you are projecting your feelings about socialising onto other people who are probably just living their lives. If my DDs teacher said that to me I would assume there was some difference in my DD that had been picked up by the teacher. I would ask my DD if she wants to have a play date - it can be outside but maybe a bit more planned than who you happen to see in the park.

I think they’re essentially for development surely? Learning to play and socialise without the close supervision and structured environment of a classroom, developing shared hobbies with others.

It sounds like you have a bit of an issue with hanging around with others, and may be inadvertently passing this on to your children? Social skills are crucial for work and life. It’s not clicquey for parents to want to spend time with people whose company they enjoy—that’s the basis of friendship!

My children are adults, they grew up into very normal people without any 'play dates' at all.

I don't think it's that big a deal assuming your DD is what, 5? My sister said something similar about my four year old and I was

She goes to preschool four days per week. A childminders two afternoons a week. Ballet on a Saturday and usually the park or some other child centered activity on a Sunday/or visit her cousins. To me that tons of interaction with her peers. She's confident and sociable and has a younger sister to play with as home. I think that's enough.

The idea of hosting other people's children in my house is my idea of hell! I'll do it when she's old enough to actively request it but as she hasn't there's no way on earth I'm volunteering.

A play date might be a good idea for you too, might be a way to meet other women! The vast majority of people are nice, your perception that everyone is “clicquey” for being friends with each other is not something you want to pass on

What is she implying?

Well, that's what you needed to find out from the teacher. When she asked, that was your opportunity to discover why the teacher is wondering.

Perhaps your DD is struggling with some aspect socially at school - perhaps she's not getting on as well with everyone as she might. Perhaps she's expressed some desire or upset that she doesn't have play dates.
Perhaps they are concerned that with an autistic brother she's missing out on something and they're gently nudging you?

She's only Year 1, and indeed with Covid playdates aren't really going on at the moment so I don't think you're unreasonable at all.

But if the teacher is asking, there is a reason for the enquiry, and it would probably be wise to find out what prompted them to ask.

If the parents are friends the children often have play dates. But we aren’t overly close to anyone around here.

You don't need to be friends with the parents. You only need to invite over the DC your DD would like to play with. I appreciate that currently that's not easy, and indeed if you have your DS with additional issues to take into account you may not be able to - but you have to make the first moves and invite, not wait to be invited.

I wonder if Dd has mentioned in class that she hasn't been to friends houses etc in class perhaps while other children are discussing their own plans and expressed that she wishes she could too and the teacher was just chasing it up.

We don't really do playdates because I don't do the school run and can reciprocate and have no idea who the majority of other parents ate. Dd and her best friend attend an out of school club together which is quite relaxed and get to play there and Dd and her friend talk online most days (since Covid) and we occasionally socialise with their family and have sleepovers now they are older but other than them we don't really have playdates. Dd's relationship with her friend is definitely much stronger because they socialise out of school and she has to learn to interact and share on home turf which is different to sharing at school or at the park.

*cant reciprocate

I have a very friendly daughter aged 5, just started school, we don’t have play dates and she’s fine, it hasn’t stunted her in anyway 😊.

We also don’t have any other young children in our family or any friends with children of a similar age.

I moved to a village 5 years ago in search of the ‘family life’ and I was so looking forward to all the mummy friends I would make. I took my children to lots of classes and groups but found everyone seemed to be ‘local’ with well established friendship groups.

Don’t worry OP, your DD is socialising at school. In time she will make friends and play dates will happen.

I think OP's perception of others being cliquey - is because of her DS having SN?

Could this be the reason OP? My daughter has a disability and SN and I've felt all through her life that other parents are cliquey for want of a better word. It's just felt like their reality is not the same as mine. I've found it hard to fit in. I've felt like DD has not always been accepted by their children ... it's massive and too much to explain here to those that may not understand.

Please don't be hard on OP for this.

I get it OP. Because of all the above I've done very few playdates. Teachers used to say the same to me and it used to worry me/make me feel guilty etc. They have no idea what you're struggling with though.

It's even harder now with Covid.

There's so much pressure for playdates. What if you live somewhere small and squashed like we do? Parks are just fine.

This isn’t an ‘unmet need’. Just a different situation at home to school. It won’t hurt her in any way to be in the company (mostly) of her family when she gets the rest of the day to be around friends at school. As she gets older she will have her own preferences.

Lots of defensive answers on this thread...

Replace cliquey with friendly.
Yeah, that's how cliquey people like to think of themselves.
But the truth is...
Friendly people make friends with stranger.
Cliquey people don't.

YANBU OP, your daughter will be fine.
If she makes friends with someone in her class, soon enough she'll ask you for a sleep over or a play date or whatever, but until then, don't worry about that crap, it's just an excuse for bored and/or lonely mums to invite their acquaintances for tea, you don't have to be into that to be a good mum (or a balanced person)
Some people are a bit socially needy, you're not, it's all fine.

It really depends on whether your DD wants playdates.

My older DD didn’t particularly want playdates at that age (only wanting them now age 7/8) and tbh she was too tired for them at 5. I tried after the teacher suggested it and tbh they often didn’t go well due to the tiredness.

My younger DD on the other hand is very sociable and is always asking me when she can have a playdate with x or y friend. Has done since age 3. She’d be very upset if she never had any playdates. I think it would also hinder her friendships at school as they do seem to play with whichever child they have a recent or upcoming playdate with.

It does make it more difficult with an older one with SN, if DD2 has a playdate I tend to allow DD1 to be on her ipad with headphones in her room so she’s not bothered by or bothering the little ones.

Do not feel guilty about this!
My dc both have asd, and rarely have play dates because it's so difficult for them to handle, even on their own territory. We need lots of prep, and many people are quite "flexible" in their approaches to timekeeping, which just makes my children so agitated and stressed.
Knowing which parents will always drop/collect at exact times helps, though tbh I often run the visitor home so there's no overunning
They really struggle with other children playing with their things The.Wrong.Way! too

Would your daughter like play dates? That’s all that matters really

No it isn't. My daughter would like a pet elephant , they don't decide what they need or what they get.

OP your kid doesn't need "playdates". They were only invented a decade ago and are not something anyone actually needs.

But the truth is...Friendly people make friends with stranger. Cliquey people don't

Total bullshit and sounds like a 12 year old.

I don’t think the teacher would have raised it with you unless she thought that there is a problem. The common one would be your daughter feels (and is) left out by the other girls at school because they don’t know her very well.

One on one playdates are where children form their stronger friendships, especially girls. Being in a group at school/park is very different.

Sounds like you are rather introverted (that’s ok, me too 😬) and unfriendly to the other mums (that’s not so ok). Are they cliquey, or are you disinterested/unapproachable/ can’t be bothered to facilitate an out of school social life for your dd?

Maybe organise a one on one playdate at a playground/ duckpond /wherever sometime when there won’t be other school kids there, so your daughter gets a chance to deepen a friendship outside the group.