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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Rude Colleague or Do I need to toughen up?

58 replies

Shield1990 · 23/10/2020 14:42

Hello All, I hope you all are well. I was wondering if you may be to put my mind at ease OR give me some perspective please.

I have recently returned to work after maternity leave with my second daughter (now 1) I also have a 3 year old girl. I returned to work (from home) and its all been great and everyone has been lovely until the last few weeks where I've started to feel incredibly uncomfortable with a colleague.

We've always got on fine face to face, and to be fair she did message me upon my first day back and welcomed me which was very kind, but since I've started activley doing work again - and sending stuff to her for approval as is part of our job roles - her messages and comments have become progressivley shorter and more abrupt. The last email I got from her included 'And I'll ask you again' - I know there isn't tone to emails etc, but I honestly have read a few things from her and cringed feeling incredibly stupid. I will be the first to admit I can ask a stupid question or two and have forgotten basic things when working fuelled by caffeine after a night up with my daughter - But it has now gotten to the point where I'd rather ask anyone else for help with some things than her.

I have even tried to ring her as opposed to emailing thinking they may just have too many emails and getting stressed but I can't get hold of them, Unfortunately, I do have to work with them. I have noticed my other colleagues seem to get a lot warmer responses to their queries so I am beginning to wonder if it's something I've done.

I have been told discreetly that other people - even this person's manager has had issues with their email style before. But not sure what to do- as I don't like going behind people's backs to managers etc but i can't get hold of them to talk to them!

It's really getting me down.Every time I see an email from them, I am thinking oh no.. Am I being silly? I'm working my backside off trying to be as on top of things as I was before with two young children and I'm feeling probably a bit sensitive...

I just don't see how it's hard to re-read your emails before you send them. This person is in a role where they're very much aware of how things can look in emails and someone has said it#'s just how they are which i refute - no excuses to be rude as far as I'm concerned as even if I get asked silly questions, I like to make people feel comfortable (even if I grumble to myself)

YABU - Toughen up and learn to ignore it.
YABU - This colleague needs to be spoken to, it's not fair to make you feel like that

OP posts:

AnneTwacky · 23/10/2020 14:48

It sounds like she does need to think about how her emails come across, but her writing style is out of your control, especially if her line manager already is aware of the problem.

I would try and be a little more resilient and not take her sharpness to heart, for your own sake.

OhCaptain · 23/10/2020 14:51

I would only say that it can't be personal to you if others have noticed it.

Not that it's ok! But clearly it's her style as opposed to her suddenly deciding to be rude to her.

If it's not having a hugely negative impact on you, I'd probably just respond in kind.

Do you think that your caffeine fuelled emails have been sloppier? Does she have valid reason to be a bit frustrated?

Original poster

Shield1990 · 23/10/2020 14:52

Thanks @AnneTwacky - I suspect you are probably right....I promise I don't get upset about every terse email I get from people (As otheriwse I've never be happy haha!) Gritting my teeth and ignoring it it is then...Thanks for the reply x

OP posts:

Alexandernevermind · 23/10/2020 14:52

Pick her up on it. When she is rude or PA, tell her she is being rude. Don't get into arguments, but if she is being unacceptable then tell her.

Original poster

Shield1990 · 23/10/2020 14:54

@OhCaptain - she never used to be like this prior to my maternity leave or never this to this extreme and I don't feel I've been any worse than before I went away. My boss even told me that their department had given them good feedback on me so I'm a bit mystified...

On occasion they probably do, I have never particularly responded well to sharpness though or tough love as have found it tends to make me more prone to making mistakes out of anxiousness

OP posts:

Boysarebackintown · 23/10/2020 14:54

I would email her (given she emails a lot) and ask her to call you either by phone or online if you have teams or similar. Then you can at least clarify what the issue might be .

thepeopleversuswork · 23/10/2020 15:02

It sounds as if she has form for this and some people are just like this I'm afraid.

It's particularly difficult when you're looking after young children and probably sleep deprived and a bit over-sensitive.

That said, if you have been repeatedly making mistakes she is within her rights to pull you up on it and point out that it isn't the first time. The example you've given sounds brusque and lacking in social grace but I'd say it stopped short of actual rudeness and was probably warranted in theory.

I'd try not to take it to heart and use it to drill down into making sure you get things right for her. If it tips over into open rudeness its a different story but for now I think escalating it won't end well.

OhCaptain · 23/10/2020 15:07

On occasion they probably do, I have never particularly responded well to sharpness though or tough love as have found it tends to make me more prone to making mistakes out of anxiousness

I think that's understandable not not necessarily her problem, IYSWIM.

Being harsh or blunt is so subjective, really.

If you can I'd just roll your eyes at her tone and get on with it. And respond in kind, as I said upthread.

Fairyliz · 23/10/2020 15:14

But you have said in your post that you have forgotten basic things. I think I would be a bit sharp with a supposedly experienced member of staff forgetting basic things.
Sorry I know it’s really difficult when you are up all night with young children but it’s not her responsibility to pick up your slack.

fruitbrewhaha · 23/10/2020 15:17

Maybe she is just being quick to reply, you spend ages flowering up an email or just get on with it.

BBCONEANDTWO · 23/10/2020 15:23

I work with someone like this but I can totally get her point. She gets so frustrated as she's the 'go to person' in the office and she often emails with instructions and things and a few days later will get questioned on it again. It is frustrating.

TheOrigRights · 23/10/2020 15:33

I will be the first to admit I can ask a stupid question or two and have forgotten basic things when working fuelled by caffeine after a night up with my daughter

Maybe you need to consider this point more carefully.
If you need adjustments made because you are too tired to do your job you need to speak up.

What do you mean by "stupid question". There are no stupid questions. If it's something you should know then maybe you need some re-training. If it's something you've asked before then maybe you need to write things down.

Having said all that, if your work is not up to scratch then it needs to be dealt with appropriately, not via snotty emails.

JaggedRag · 23/10/2020 15:33

If lots of people have had emails with her email style and no one has had issues with her in person then the problem will be with her email style, not with her as a person and not with you. She clearly just doesn't realise she's coming across like this so just accept that she sounds rude but doesn't mean to be.

coffeelover3 · 23/10/2020 15:34

I've worked with someone like this and tbh I tried to contact her as little as possible and 'go around her' if I need an answer. And I used to check any emails I sent to her - only really essential ones. I realised maybe I was 'using' her to answer questions that I could have found out myself. Remember email isn't like just calling over to your colleague in the office. I notice when I'm in the office with this person she is fine, but they I can catch her with little questions when I know she's not stressed. Sometimes I can hear her under her breath saying "fgs stop emailing me, xyz' I'm not saying you're doing that, but I'd really cut down contact to essential. Sometimes I leave an email open, and add to it as I'm doing my work, and then just send everything together, rather than 'drip feeding'. Also, I don't get as many replies to get nervous about lol. Good luck op, remember to mind yourself Xx

confusedx3 · 23/10/2020 15:35

this is something I am dreading when I return to work in 3 weeks. my daughter also nearly 1 and not the best sleeper and I will also he returning to a previous office job that is how home based. I have a colleague who is also like this but she does it to everyone so fortunately I'm not singled out but I am not looking forward to having her in my life every day after nearly a year.

noone has the right to make you feel like that at work, not even managers. we are all just people - noone is better or superior. it's tough getting your work head back on after being in mum mode for so long without people like that.

9ofpentangles · 23/10/2020 15:41

I think she should cut you some dlack. You've had a year off and are bound to have forgotten things - especially as you have gone back into a very surreal situation.

If you can't speak email her and ask to call or if everything is ok andtake it from there.

thepeopleversuswork · 23/10/2020 15:46

confusedx3

"noone has the right to make you feel like that at work, not even managers. we are all just people - noone is better or superior."

In the nicest possible way, this isn't realistic. It's not about superiority as a person, but reality is this woman is the OP's superior at work and the bottom line is the OP has to deliver work that meets her standards. It's totally understandable that the OP has struggled under the circumstances, but some people are going to have far less patience than this and the OP has to find a way to work constructively with her and deliver.

OP I would use it as an opportunity to try to really sharpen up what you do for this woman.

I would try to treat it as constructive criticism and try to build on it. You need to try not to let it become a "thing".

It might be worth asking if you can have a call with her and saying you'd appreciate her guidance as you feel you may be falling behind on some things. That way you are showing willing and meeting her half way but also flagging to her that she needs to have some understanding of the fact that you've been out of the loop for a while.

If after that you still think she's being totally unreasonable then maybe reassess. And don't be cowed by her: you don't have to take shit from her. For example there's no such thing as a "stupid question". Questions arise when something hasn't been communicated clearly and should be engaged with -- you should never feel bad asking for clarification.

On the other hand she is probably exhausted and having to do lots of work to sort out work by others that hasn't been completed to the right standard. Showing that you are engaging with her and listening to her should go some way to alleviating this.

TheOrigRights · 23/10/2020 15:48

@9ofpentangles

I think she should cut you some dlack. You've had a year off and are bound to have forgotten things - especially as you have gone back into a very surreal situation.

If you can't speak email her and ask to call or if everything is ok andtake it from there.

If I had gone back to work after my mat leave and been told I was going to be cut some slack due to being off, I would have been livid. The responsibility to ensure I can do my job lies with me.

I would expect my manager to inform me of changes or whether I needed training but I would not want to be given slack for having forgotten basic things.

Al1langdownthecleghole · 23/10/2020 15:48

Are you able to copy her text and respond to her points one by one in the tone her emails deserve?

Also, think what you need from her before you email and ask specifically for that, using a closed question if necessary to enable her to give a short reply.

TeamLucille · 23/10/2020 16:08

It's a tricky one frankly.

If I re-read some of the emails exchange with some of my colleagues, they can sound absolutely awful. As it happened, we were sitting opposite or next to each other and emailing each other whilst on the phone with someone else for example, and are absolutely fine.

Not knowing your colleague, she might be rude.
She might just be writing quickly the way she would if you were next to her and not bothering with polite formulas.

It does get tedious to have to stay "friendly" and waste time with faff when you communicate with emails all day. That's why it's easier to use a messaging system.

Even if she is rude, no need to take it personally.

confusedx3 · 23/10/2020 16:08

@thepeopleversuswork bullshit. you have a right not to be bullied in the workplace, no matter who it is coming from.

@TheOrigRights and this totally depends on what you did. a year is a long time, especially if you had a role like mine where you did multiple things across the board. it's understandable to need a little refresher and I fully expect to be given that courtesy when I return.

fortunately, I have a HR department who treat employees well and would take it very seriously regardless of what level people are at. it doesnt do well to treat people poorly in the workplace - it can lead to people wanting to leave and not putting their all in which surely no employer wants. a high turnover is poor business.

BlueJava · 23/10/2020 16:08

If it was me I'd book in a 10 minute meeting with her called "Catch up" and ask her. Just say that you feel her style has got a bit shorter and you want to know if she has any feedback for you. It's likely she's a bit of a bully and will back off if you confront her.

9ofpentangles · 23/10/2020 16:10

I wasn't told I was being 'cut some slack'when I came back but I knew I had forgotten one or two things and needed reminding. Thankfully, they were very patient with me which is absolutely how you should treat your loyal colleagues

IdblowJonSnow · 23/10/2020 16:18

If you cant get hold of her on the phone email her and ask her to call you.

Notanothercherrybakewell · 23/10/2020 16:33

I think this can depend on company culture to an extent too. In my line of work we really wouldn't jazz up an email and certainly nothing personal (I.e Hi Jane, hope you had a nice weekend/enjoyed the movies last night) or write informally. So when we wrote to suppliers outside of the company it could appear a little firm even when it wasn't. Just a case of sending a million emails a day and needing to get the info out there, totally nothing personal.
There was also a chance of eventually being cc'd in an email chain later down the line and we wouldn't be seen as professional by higher ups for not being striaght to the point if that makes sense.
The difference was on the phone or in person it was business as usual with friendly chit chat along with whatever the crux of the convo was.

I guess it's similar to texting in that a lot of people will use emojis to convey the emotion along with a text

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