Rude Colleague or Do I need to toughen up?

[Shield1990]

Hello All, I hope you all are well. I was wondering if you may be to put my mind at ease OR give me some perspective please.

I have recently returned to work after maternity leave with my second daughter (now 1) I also have a 3 year old girl. I returned to work (from home) and its all been great and everyone has been lovely until the last few weeks where I've started to feel incredibly uncomfortable with a colleague.

We've always got on fine face to face, and to be fair she did message me upon my first day back and welcomed me which was very kind, but since I've started activley doing work again - and sending stuff to her for approval as is part of our job roles - her messages and comments have become progressivley shorter and more abrupt. The last email I got from her included 'And I'll ask you again' - I know there isn't tone to emails etc, but I honestly have read a few things from her and cringed feeling incredibly stupid. I will be the first to admit I can ask a stupid question or two and have forgotten basic things when working fuelled by caffeine after a night up with my daughter - But it has now gotten to the point where I'd rather ask anyone else for help with some things than her.

I have even tried to ring her as opposed to emailing thinking they may just have too many emails and getting stressed but I can't get hold of them, Unfortunately, I do have to work with them. I have noticed my other colleagues seem to get a lot warmer responses to their queries so I am beginning to wonder if it's something I've done.

I have been told discreetly that other people - even this person's manager has had issues with their email style before. But not sure what to do- as I don't like going behind people's backs to managers etc but i can't get hold of them to talk to them!

It's really getting me down.Every time I see an email from them, I am thinking oh no.. Am I being silly? I'm working my backside off trying to be as on top of things as I was before with two young children and I'm feeling probably a bit sensitive...

I just don't see how it's hard to re-read your emails before you send them. This person is in a role where they're very much aware of how things can look in emails and someone has said it#'s just how they are which i refute - no excuses to be rude as far as I'm concerned as even if I get asked silly questions, I like to make people feel comfortable (even if I grumble to myself)

YABU - Toughen up and learn to ignore it.
YABU - This colleague needs to be spoken to, it's not fair to make you feel like that

Also @thepeopleversuswork (on your comment But I do think the over sugar-coating of professional language can be a distraction and also slightly sucky-up.

There was a chat about parent/teacher conversations where because teachers are obliged to be so professional their true message is often lost on parents.

Tablefor4

No doubt. It's not just in teaching: its absolutely endemic in business. A combination of jargon and sycophancy caused by a culture that over-prizes professionalism and undervalues directness.

It makes it really difficult for people to make themselves understood and hampers people from getting on with their jobs.

Those of you saying tone and professionalism are important are right but there's a trade-off between professionalism and making yourself understood and a lot of the time direct communication gets lost in a soup of corporate gobbledygook and passive aggressive false politeness.

None of this is an excuse for rudeness or even abruptness exactly but I can see why this woman might feel that she doesn't have time to explain things a second or third time when she's done so once and doesn't want to have to sugar-coat it.

It's rough for the OP having just come back from mat leave and I can understand how stressful it must be but its not bullying.

What was the context to her writing "And I'll ask you again"? Had you not done what she asked previously? Why not, if not?

I find if I ask I presume you don't mean to sound so abrupt works extremely well.

Someone once said to me you lose confidence when you have DC and I thought how odd until I had one. I returned to work after a year off for illness and found myself bullied by three people. I was asked if I wanted to make formal complaints but didn't have the strength. A few years later one left, another went on long term sick and the other continues to send curt emails telling everybody off. What I think now is that I would have dealt with this so much better previously. Now my confidence has increased and I have the trust of colleagues, we all know it's them not me. But what you could do with is some support. Do you have a line manager you could confide in? Whenever you're new in a job it takes a while to understand the workings. Not everybody is patient. They change their opinion and attitude as time goes on.

There just really isn’t an excuse for snippy or sharp responses. If a team member can’t maintain professional courtesy then it needs addressing.

I agree. You can both polite and brief in emails.

You are paid to do a job like every other employee so if you need more sleep then arrange your self so that you get and make sure you check your emails/work to ensure they can be correct.

I get rude emails at work and if I am in the wrong I fix the problem and move on, if they are in the wrong I roll my eyes and then move on.

Having kids should not effect your work (not aiming this at the op but I have seen other posters use it as am excuse)

Being Devil’s advocate here -

This is a telling comment:
I will be the first to admit I can ask a stupid question or two and have forgotten basic things when working fuelled by caffeine after a night up with my daughter

With this, and a fairly fundamental error in your OP - both Vote options are YABU, not YABU and YANBU - maybe you are not on top of things as much as you think you are, or would like to be? Maybe your colleague genuinely does feel that you are letting her down and forgetting things? She could be nicer, but perhaps she has a point? I think also, that you have a very flowery style of writing and she might be more direct and abrupt.

I definitely struggled when I had the Amazing Non Sleeping Baby and her high energy 4 year old brother and went to work on 0-2 hours sleep on many occasions. My line manager told me I had to get more organised, which stung, but was true. It’s a difficult time.