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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to deal with friend chasing married guy one year later

53 replies

PandoraBox89 · 23/10/2020 13:15

Posted about it on my old account over a year ago now and it's still going on. The gym instructor who I think is engaged and has been with his partner for 4/5 years.

Since around August 2019, I have had almost daily conversations about it with said friend.
Constantly repeating the same thing over and over "He does like me but feels too guilty about leaving his fiancé."

Yes, there are times when he seems flirty for sure. Maybe he is interested, but the point I am trying to get across is that this has been going on for over one year now.

If he were really into my friend, he would likely already be with her, yet he's with the fiancée.
Honestly, if it were my boyfriend who liked another girl and she was actively trying to get with him, I would be fuming. I have already been in this position twice which my friend knows.
She's very dismissive of cheating and this kinda thing, "sometimes it's not that black and white and you meet people who are a better match for you."

I sympathise that she cannot help liking him, and that it is hard to meet people. Before meeting my boyfriend, I had a very hard time, so I really do sympathise.

But it's constant analysis of texts," what does this text mean ? "." He's been weird with me for weeks, why is he doing that ?"
"I don't know what he would see in me anyway."
Constant, day in day out. Every time I try to give advice that is to move on and look for someone single, I get a barrage of essays about why she likes him, she's very down, he's great, it's so hard to meet people etc. And she needs my support.

When a guy dumped me last year, she banned me from talking about it the same day, because 'we had spoken about it enough'.

Also the fiancée is apparently 'jealous', 'way more into him than he is to her, he's only with her out of habit' (He hasn't told her this, this is something she's come up with.)

Don't want to sound horrible, but any ideas what I could do/say ? I just think for 35 it's ridiculous.

OP posts:
Pulloutbed · 23/10/2020 13:23

That sounds very frustrating to be around OP.
Not sure if there much else you can say to her. You've pointed out the obvious and she isn't listening. Maybe next time she brings it up you could kindly tell her you have no more advice and you want to leave it there with your disscussions about this man. Let her know you care about her too much to constantly see/hear her hurt and that you will always be there for her if thing don't go right but for now you need a break from it all.
She sounds like she may not have the greatest self esteem.

MootingMirror · 23/10/2020 13:30

If this is HER gym instructor then she's being ridiculous. Part of an instructors job is to make women feel confident and comfortable with themselves - otherwise they deal with clients all day who are too embarrassed to try anything or think they're too fat to do that exercise etc etc etc. By flirting just a bit, they get women to want to come to the gym, to feel confident and comfortable and see their bodies as something worth fighting for.
It's the same vibe as waitresses who are expected to be very friendly in certain bars/clubs etc to keep male punters happy. Or how cam girls have to pretend to be interested to the weirdos in their chat room.
It's honestly pathetic if she thinks it's real or genuine and it sounds to me like he's not really giving her that much flirtation and has dialled it back a bit. If the fiancee were actually jealous or concerned then she'd have been dropped as a client - the fact she hasn't been dropped shows that the fiancee knows what's up and that your friend is one of many clients being treated the same way.
She needs to grow up and find a man who isn't taken and actually likes her.

CounsellorTroi · 23/10/2020 13:32

She is acting like a lovesick teen. The hard truth is that if he really liked her he'd have done something about it by now.

FuckKnowsMate · 23/10/2020 13:34

Fuck sake I would have blocked her by now tbh. Don’t care how harsh that sounds but she wouldn’t be someone I’d want to be friends with if she sees no harm in chasing after unavailable men. How draining to have to listen to it day in day out.

AGoatAteIt · 23/10/2020 13:37

She’s pathetic. If she wasn’t such an unbearable sounding dickhead I’d feel embarrassed for her.

Imworthit · 23/10/2020 13:48

I had a situation where everyone believed I was a lovesick psycho, except my mum who saw what was really going on. The guy loved making out that I was mental and he did nothing to lead me on (except sleep with me for 3 years). So many fights with people telling me to leave him alone, I was delusional etc. Felt so validating when my new partner actually had to tell the guy to leave me the fuck alone.

Sparklesocks · 23/10/2020 13:49

She needs to grow up a bit, she’s acting like a hormonal teenager.

I think you need to be firmer and say you’re no longer interested in talking about him as you’re going round in circles. He’s engaged. He’s not arsed. She’d better off investing that energy into available men who would actually like her back. It’s one thing to have a bit of a silly crush from afar, but it’s clear she wants someone to indulge her fixation.

giantangryrooster · 23/10/2020 13:49

Why are you still leanding an ear to all this? She banned you from speaking when you got dumped. She is not a friend, she is insisting everything is about her and creates dramas to hold her audience.

I'm sorry that is not friendship, she is feeding off your attention.
You need boundaries and new friends Smile.

potter5 · 23/10/2020 13:49

Ban her from speaking about it/him - same as she did to you.

WhereamI88 · 23/10/2020 13:51

She's a very bad friend to you, why do you care? Drop her. A year of this is more than what most of us would put up with.

Carrottop73 · 23/10/2020 13:54

Sorry you are having to put up with listening to this.

She wouldn’t be a friend of mine. My advice would either to give her a bit of tough love by explaining she is deluded and embarrassing herself, or just phase her out of your life.

2bazookas · 23/10/2020 13:57

when she asks you "He's been weird with me for weeks, why is he doing that ?"

You tell the truth " Because you're behaving like a silly tart who won't take no for a n answer. You're probably the joke of the mens changing room".

"I don't know what he would see in me anyway."

" He doesn't, he's made that plain enough. You are his gym client and part of his income. so , he's humouring you. How pathetic are you, to have to BUY male attention at your age".

Dillo10 · 23/10/2020 14:07

Wait has anything even happened between them? How does she know he feels guilty about leaving his fiancee? Are they messaging at the very least?

Either you don't have the full picture from her, or she's not quite the full ticket if you know what I mean.

I'd be surprised she talks about it this much if literally nothing romantic or sexual has happened between them...

VettiyaIruken · 23/10/2020 14:11

Tell her that just as she told you to stop talking about it when X happened, she needs to follow her own advice because you're sick to death of hearing about it.

Honestly, you can only carry on so long before you are just done.

She is being utterly selfish and after saying what she did to you when you needed her to talk to she's got a nerve carrying on like this and needs telling that!

CakeRequired · 23/10/2020 14:13

Ban her from speaking about it/him - same as she did to you.

This. If she won't stop, ditch her as a friend. Shes become really pathetic and has invented a reality in her head that doesn't exist. She will be a complete joke amongst anyone he works with.

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 23/10/2020 14:19

She is desperate, deluded and far too self absorbed. Tell her once and once only you've had enough, you don't agree with what she's doing and you don't want to hear anymore of it. I don't know how you can tolerate such stupid behaviour.

TiersTiersTiers · 23/10/2020 14:34

He is a user.

Your friend is a deluded idiot. She knows he has a partner but carries on anyway. She also sounds like she needs to grow up a bit.

I would just say my final word on this is - 'If he really liked you and wanted to be with you, he would' not stop being a complete twat and wise up. Oh and please don't mention him again - it's rather boring and you sound like a stupid teenager..... that should get through to her!

flaviaritt · 23/10/2020 14:34

Some pretty nasty posts here.

OP, your friend is obviously insecure. Try to build her up, talk about and do other things. If she really won’t stop, see her less.

ShebaShimmyShake · 23/10/2020 14:37

It doesn't sound as though you like each other very much.

Etinox · 23/10/2020 14:47

@flaviaritt

Some pretty nasty posts here.

OP, your friend is obviously insecure. Try to build her up, talk about and do other things. If she really won’t stop, see her less.

Why is it the ops job to build up her boundary crossing needy friend? @PandoraBox89 why are yo worried about sounding horrible? She’s resting you really badly and has done, banning you from who and what you can talk about. Switch off read receipts and/ or text I’ve nothing more to say about this.
VinylDetective · 23/10/2020 14:50

How old is she? 12? I imagine his girlfriend doesn’t give a toss because he’s told her how pathetic she is.

ToastyCrumpet · 23/10/2020 14:58

You must have very little confidence/low self-esteem to put up with this. I would personally have told her to STFU long since.

PandoraBox89 · 23/10/2020 15:02

I've just told her in the nicest possible way that it's been over a year now and he hasn't done anything, and once again i've got a barrage of essays back, i've just put it on mute.

OP posts:
PandoraBox89 · 23/10/2020 15:04

And nothing has ever happened between them. He certainly seems to like her as a friend at least, but i've just asked her how long she's prepared to wait, years ?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 23/10/2020 15:06

I wouldn't be friends with a woman like this. She's a grenade.