Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to deal with friend chasing married guy one year later

53 replies

PandoraBox89 · 23/10/2020 13:15

Posted about it on my old account over a year ago now and it's still going on. The gym instructor who I think is engaged and has been with his partner for 4/5 years.

Since around August 2019, I have had almost daily conversations about it with said friend.
Constantly repeating the same thing over and over "He does like me but feels too guilty about leaving his fiancé."

Yes, there are times when he seems flirty for sure. Maybe he is interested, but the point I am trying to get across is that this has been going on for over one year now.

If he were really into my friend, he would likely already be with her, yet he's with the fiancée.
Honestly, if it were my boyfriend who liked another girl and she was actively trying to get with him, I would be fuming. I have already been in this position twice which my friend knows.
She's very dismissive of cheating and this kinda thing, "sometimes it's not that black and white and you meet people who are a better match for you."

I sympathise that she cannot help liking him, and that it is hard to meet people. Before meeting my boyfriend, I had a very hard time, so I really do sympathise.

But it's constant analysis of texts," what does this text mean ? "." He's been weird with me for weeks, why is he doing that ?"
"I don't know what he would see in me anyway."
Constant, day in day out. Every time I try to give advice that is to move on and look for someone single, I get a barrage of essays about why she likes him, she's very down, he's great, it's so hard to meet people etc. And she needs my support.

When a guy dumped me last year, she banned me from talking about it the same day, because 'we had spoken about it enough'.

Also the fiancée is apparently 'jealous', 'way more into him than he is to her, he's only with her out of habit' (He hasn't told her this, this is something she's come up with.)

Don't want to sound horrible, but any ideas what I could do/say ? I just think for 35 it's ridiculous.

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 23/10/2020 15:14

How old is she? (Sorry if I have missed that!)

Original poster
PandoraBox89 · 23/10/2020 15:15

It's ok, 35!

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 23/10/2020 15:19

Tell her you dont want to hear another word about it, if you're being completely blunt and truthful tell her, he's got no intention of leaving his fiancée, he may enjoy the attention she gives him but that's all it is and she needs to stop embarrassing herself , also women that deliberately go after another womans partner are completely pathetic.

AdultierAdult · 23/10/2020 15:19

If you're insistent on continuing the friendship, I'd just refuse to engage on that topic. Tell her you no longer want to talk about him and follow it through.

"Oh he text me XXXX what does it mean?"
"I watched a really good film last night, it's called Shrek, have you seen it?"
"I can't stop thinking about him...blah blah blah"
"Weather is meant to be nice at the weekend. Any recommendations for nice walks?"

Honestly I'd just carry on like that.

Cheeseandwin5 · 23/10/2020 15:24

My first though was that he was using her for sex, but it seems to me that she has a very unhealthy obsession about him.
I think she needs to see a therapist causing if it has been going on his long, it is probably more ingrained than hoping she will meet someone single who likes her.
Could you maybe give her a time limit. Listen and support till christmas but if nothing happens by than she needs to follow your advice ( and to stop talking about him).
Saying that I do agree with others that she sounds a bit toxic and I worry you could be dragged in some very ad situations.

Original poster
PandoraBox89 · 23/10/2020 15:25

Thanks for all the replies. I'm sick to death of the guilt trips and all the 'it's just soo hard to meet people'. It is, but it doesn't justify going after someone who's not single.
Then being told i'm 'not supporting her'

She said 'we talked about your boyfriend so I expect you to do the same".

We spoke about my boyfriend for one DAY.

OP posts:
12309845653ghydrvj · 23/10/2020 15:41

Honestly OP it sounds cruel, but I would not stay friends with her if this continues. It’s not healthy for either of you.

I’d sit her down and tell her upfront that she is embarrassing herself. She is turning herself into a laughing stock and choosing to be humiliated. If he’s her gym trainer he probably flirts like this with every client, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he laughs about her with his fiancé.

I would tell her that she’s paying him so her can put a bigger diamond on his fiancés ring. It’s just embarrassing, and she’s making herself deeply unnatravtice—she’ll have no chance of meeting anyone if she keeps trying (and failing) to make herself a mistress.

I would tell her that she needs to grow up, she need to get a new trainer and block him, otherwise you are never speaking about him again. If she can’t manage to talk to you without mentioning him, clealry repeat that you are not going to indulge in supporting her humiliating herself, or essentially self harming. If she doesn’t stop, calmly tell her that you will be blocking her for a week, and you hope over that time she’ll do some thinking.

12309845653ghydrvj · 23/10/2020 15:42

@PandoraBox89

Thanks for all the replies. I'm sick to death of the guilt trips and all the 'it's just soo hard to meet people'. It is, but it doesn't justify going after someone who's not single. Then being told i'm 'not supporting her'

She said 'we talked about your boyfriend so I expect you to do the same".

We spoke about my boyfriend for one DAY.

And your boyfriend actaully exists!

She may well need therapy at this point to get PST it. But no amount of you being nice will help.

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 23/10/2020 15:42

"Jane I am sick of hearing it. This man is marrying someone else, he does not want to be with you. At best he fancies you and just wants to use you, at worst he's just not bothered. If someone wants you - they'd be with you. Secondly you were NOT there when I was having a hard time last year as you know full well so stop using me as an emotional sponge to drain the shit out of. Finally yes it's hard to meet someone but it is still pathetic and embarrassing to go after some poor woman's partner so you really need to grow up and start showing some self respect. I won't be entertaining this any further and if you think I'm being unsupportive I suggest you find some new friends who are willing to roll over and tell you what you want to hear. I will never be one of them."

If that kicks her up the arse great. If she cuts you off - do you really give a fuck?

VettiyaIruken · 23/10/2020 15:49

You need to challenge her on that!

We talked about him for ONE DAY and then you said ....

And he was my actual boyfriend.

Honestly op, she is no friend to you!

Divebar · 23/10/2020 15:52

Has anything actually happened between them?

I have a PT who is a long younger than me. We were talking this week about him flirting with his clients. He said the management love him because he’s good at talking with people and women love to flirt with him. ( I am not one of them) Three young women were hanging around to see him after his class the other evening - it’s a bit embarrassing. How would your friend feel to find out she was just one of a number of women that he chats too?

Sparklesocks · 23/10/2020 15:58

Maybe he IS flirting a bit, maybe it’s part of his PT experience to make women clients feel comfortable (as pp suggested). Or maybe he’s just a bit of a flirt - some people are, but they don’t mean anything by it (and may not even know they are doing it) and just have fun interacting with people.

Some people seem to think that a person flirting with you means they’re hugely into you - but it doesn’t! They might do it with everyone. They might be bored. It’s naive to interpret friendliness as a secret declaration of love.

And the fact is he’s been doing sessions with her for over a year if I understand rightly? Even if on the off chance he did want an affair or to leave his partner for her, it would’ve happened by now. Maybe she’s insecure and unconfident with men, but it’s a shame to essentially waste all this time and energy on something like this. Maybe she quite likes the safety of it all, just living in a fantasy she can control and not having to deal with any of the risk or vulnerability of meeting and falling for someone she can actually be with.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 23/10/2020 16:02

I dont know how you've managed to keep calm about it so far.

I think I'd be pointing that out - that it doesn't seem very equal when you get one days support when you break up with a real boyfriend but she expects endless support about something that is just a fantasy.

And then I'd say you don't actually think your support is helping - the more you are listening to her talk about it, the more it is feeding into the fantasy and making it seem real and she will be less likely to meet someone in real life.

I'd offer to do something practical together to meet someone when this is over eg go to some mutual hobby thing or somewhere where she can meet some real life men, or help her with an OLD profile or something. That's supportive. Engaging with the fantasy isn't

Original poster
PandoraBox89 · 23/10/2020 16:18

Apparently he's 'only flirty with her' out of all the clients and 'prioritises her'. That may be true, but still.
When I was cheated on or whatever she dismissed it as 'them meeting someone more compatible for them' because she's trying to justify her own behaviour probably.
Yeah, he's been her gym teacher for about 1.5 years now.
She's met his fiancée too, but she says she 'doesn't give a toss about her' and knows that it's selfish but she just wants to think of herself. Thanks for all the suggestions, I do need to be more assertive.

OP posts:
Original poster
PandoraBox89 · 23/10/2020 16:19

She's also come to her own conclusion that he's no longer in love with his fiancée but is scared of the unknown and stays with her out of habit. Again, he has said nothing of the sort to her, it's what she's come up with.

OP posts:
Bakeachocolatecaketoday · 23/10/2020 16:36

Oh dear god, so she's a client and not in a relationship with him? Of course he's nice to her she's paying him! She's in complete fantasy land.

Rotundandhappy · 23/10/2020 16:42

Wow. She’s bonkers. This is sad. His poor fiancée.

I’d say to her that I couldn’t keep listening to her go on about it anymore and take a step back from it. She’s become fixated on him the way some people do with doctors or therapists.

He’s obviously good at his job and flirts with his female clients to make damn sure they keep paying him...

1Morewineplease · 23/10/2020 16:45

If you feel that you can, then I'd suggest reducing your contact with her.
As others have said, she's feeding off you.

She needs to learn the consequences of her actions.

This is not a friendship and it's wearing you down.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2020 16:47

I say this gently, but you need to raise your standards as for who you choose to be friends with. This woman is not a good person. At all.

TikTakTikTak · 23/10/2020 16:58

Honestly she isn't much of a friend if it's always about her and never allowed to be about you. That alone is enough.

If she says "it's hard to meet people" just tell her that you've spoken about it enough. It sounds like you have.

Noshowlomo · 23/10/2020 17:16

So they have never even kissed?

newnameforthis123 · 23/10/2020 17:22

@PandoraBox89

Thanks for all the replies. I'm sick to death of the guilt trips and all the 'it's just soo hard to meet people'. It is, but it doesn't justify going after someone who's not single. Then being told i'm 'not supporting her'

She said 'we talked about your boyfriend so I expect you to do the same".

We spoke about my boyfriend for one DAY.

Have you said this to her?!

Seriously, she's not your friend. She's a user.

I would let this friendship go, you've given her far more time and attention than she seems to deserve.

Skysblue · 23/10/2020 17:29

She needs closure and to move on, this inappropriate obsession is stopping her focusing on meeting someone available.

Tell her that in your opinion he is being a bit flirty because it’s part of his job and if he wanted to brak up with his fiancee then he would have done that. Suggest she either ask him out to get a clear answer as to where he is at, or find a different gym.

Thehop · 23/10/2020 17:44

“Look. I get it’s hard, I do, but I care about you and can’t see you this tied up in nots. I’m going to give you the tough love that you gave me a year ago when John cheated on me. We’ve talked about him enough. I’m not talking about it any more.”

I’d google grey rock and use it when she mentions him.

I’d also be withdrawing a little from the friendship. She sounds very very tiresome, extremely selfish and slightly batshit.

Original poster
PandoraBox89 · 23/10/2020 18:19

I agree. Like if I tell her something she might reply but never seems happy for me.
However she will NEVER go out of her way to ask anything whatsoever about me, how are you, how's your boyfriend, how's work going, nothing at all.
She's taken the hump with me now but i'm going to have to keep being firm.

OP posts: