Sexualisation of kids

[Jadefeather7]

Is the amount of sexual exposure children receive from a young age something that worries you?

Some background- I grew up in a religious family and I am no longer religious. Growing up however the religious element sort of shielded me from getting involved in sex very early on because I was scared of my parents and thought sex was only allowed after marriage. At the age of 13 my best friend was in a relationship with a 19 year old and she lost her virginity to him. Most girls in my school were in sexual relationships from 13 but generally the guys were slightly younger too I think. Looking back on it now what happened with my best friend was wrong and I would now report anything like that if I become aware of it, but at the time I didn’t think much of it as all I knew was that it was ‘cool’ to have a boyfriend who you were having sex with. I wasn’t judgemental about it either despite my religious beliefs, I accepted that everyone had different beliefs and different lifestyles and didn’t make them immoral. I eventually lost my religious indoctrination and as a young adult I had a number of relationships and had sex before I got married, which I think is totally healthy and normal. However I still struggle with the idea children being exposed to sexual stuff and I feel like society forces children to become interested in becoming sexually active way too young eg when I hear about sexting at schools, very young girls twerking, men catcalling school girls (I found this really common growing up) etc. I was talking to my brother about losing my religious faith and he agreed with a lot of my objections to the religion that we were raised in but he asked me what I felt about the constant sexual objectification of women in mainstream society and how I feel about raising children around that.

I sometimes wonder why her this stuff just makes me uncomfortable because I was raised a certain way and despite what I think I haven’t fully shaken off my indoctrination? If you do feel that there is something wrong what do you to try to stop your children from becoming sexually active in their early teens and protecting girls from thinking their only self worth comes from how sexy they are in the age of instagram.

Apologies if I’ve said anything that offends anyone and for the fact that this might seem a little all over the place. I’m still trying to get my head around this subject.

Bump

No, and you sound like a journalist

I think that the oversexualising of children is really something that only happens if you're lax about parenting properly (screens, tv, social media etc) and otherwise it's very easy to shield your preteens from it.

Sexual harassment of young girls in unavoidable, it happened to me, it happened to every girl i know.

I also think that open, honest, early conversations about sex and physical relationships protect our children from abuse. Knowing what happens, knowing about consent and protection, that is how we keep our daughters safe. Ignorance and shame are the perfect shelter for abuse and exploitation.

And you sound like a journalist, i agree.

I’m really not sure why people think I’m a journalist My writing isn’t that great!

I’m just a parent who has been thinking about how it will be raising my children differently to how I was raised (as a Muslim). There are many positives to that for example not raising them with some of the misogynistic rubbish that I was brought up with but at the same time I want to protect them from certain things. A lot of my closest friends don’t have kids and my family are all still Muslim so I thought I would ask here?

How old are we talking here?

I find that sort of sexualisation of children is actually very closely linked to the purity culture that is promoted by some religious groups. They both involve restricting girls and holding them back from being truly themselves, holding them to unrealistic standards of perfection, teaching them that their own needs and desires don't matter and they need to please other people and their sexuality isn't really for them.

I prefer to give children knowledge about how their bodies work, respect for themselves and other people, the tools they need to be able to make sensible descisions, and a relationship that means they can ask for help if they need it.

@Ohalrightthen My kids are still young so it’s more me just thinking ahead about their future. As I said it was prompted by the discussion with my brother . I felt it was something I couldn’t really answer so I’d love to hear thoughts from people who were raised without the religious background that we had and were given more freedom but at the same time were also protected from the unsavoury stuff.

I'll bite, and think females (girls/women) in general have, via the law of unintended consequences, given up the soft power that with-holding sex once gave them. Not saying that was right, but the downsides of losing it seem to impact more on women than men. To add insult to injury it also seems that women are being groomed into having to be more open to sexual practices that, lets be honest, mostly serve to pleasure men first and foremost.

@VirginiaWolverine Absolutely agree with you what you said and that’s the long term goal. I guess I’m wondering about the time period when they are younger, less mature and understanding of these things, more vulnerable to outside influences and also susceptible to peer pressure. Is it possible for parents mitigate against those things and how?

I think there is a big difference between age appropriate sex education and exposing children to sexual content from a young age.
There was a thread here the other day about TV programs to watch with a 9 year old. I was surprised by some of the suggestions. In my opinion programs about the dating and sex lives of twenty something year olds are not for primary aged kids.

[quote Jadefeather7]@Ohalrightthen My kids are still young so it’s more me just thinking ahead about their future. As I said it was prompted by the discussion with my brother . I felt it was something I couldn’t really answer so I’d love to hear thoughts from people who were raised without the religious background that we had and were given more freedom but at the same time were also protected from the unsavoury stuff.[/quote]
Religion (to the extent you're describing) doesn't protect girls from the unsavoury stuff, it teaches them that sex is something to be ashamed of. Yes, this shields them in some respects from porn and oversexualisation, but it also creates HUGE problems.

It is perfectly possible to protect your children from the unsavoury stuff without being religious. My parents did it. They however also taught me about sex, consent, contraception, masturbation, sexual health, emotional health, respect in relationships etc, at appropriate points in my life.

As i said, ignorance is a breeding ground for abuse and exploitation.

@JoanWilderbeast

I'll bite, and think females (girls/women) in general have, via the law of unintended consequences, given up the soft power that with-holding sex once gave them. Not saying that was right, but the downsides of losing it seem to impact more on women than men. To add insult to injury it also seems that women are being groomed into having to be more open to sexual practices that, lets be honest, mostly serve to pleasure men first and foremost.

But the "soft power of withholding sex" surely plays into the narrative that sex is something women do for men, rather than with a partner for mutual satisfaction? Which I'd argue is a very damaging one.

Well I think there's maybe two different kinds of 'sexualising' you're talking about, and you do allude to that - there's the general objectification of girls, feeding the idea that a girl's value is in being hot, sexy, and 'freaky' and up for anything, then there's the encouraging to actually have sex.

I think the latter is actually less of a thing than it used to be - IIRC, kids are having sex less and later these days. Ironically I feel a bit like porn is actually pushing out the having of real sex but also feeding into the pushing of the idea that being 'sexy' and 'hot' are a key part of girls' value as human beings, and the idea that girls 'owe' men sex in some way, which is obviously really unhealthy.

OP, out of interest, how do you feel about sex education? Do you see it as preventative or as encouraging sex too soon?

I am for providing appropriate sex education, teaching about consent etc (my parents actually withdrew me from this at school!). I don’t think the way in which religion protects women from sex through fear and shame is a good thing either.

However I just don’t know how I would protect my daughter from the environment I experienced at school where girls were obsessed with being attractive to boys and there was huge pressure to have sex in order to be cool at what I feel was too young an age.

It's complicated though, isn't it? Historically (and still today in certain nations) girls were deemed suitable marriage/sexual partners as soon as able to become pregnant so at puberty. There are countries where the age consent is 13. Even in Iran girls can marry at this age with parental consent (and others are married even younger). There has always been 'sexualization' of fair, young virgins but the focus was perhaps more on their innocence/budding womanhood. What we perhaps find uncomfortable is how young girls dress/present themselves on social media appears to be far more plastic 'pornstar' with pouty lips and thick makeup than showing off their natural youthful beauty.

You're comparing two extremes.
In both cases sex is a mystical massively important thing that is a milestone to maturity. But one teaches shame and fear around sex and the other causes excitement and sectretism.

Sex is a natural part of our existence and needs demystifying. We need to talk to children about sex so it's not some exciting secret thing they talk about in the playground. A 13 year old having sex with a 19 year old does not have enough knowledge of sex and relationships.

And to help your daughter combat the societal pressure to be attractive and do things to fit in and be popular. You teach her to be confident and comfortable with who she is and not NEED others to praise her to feel valued. We allow others far too much power over how we feel about ourselves. And it's not just about sex.

I was brought up in a non-religious household. Neither I nor my friends had any sexual exposure when we were young teens. Most didn't have boyfriends until they were older teens, never mind actually sleeping with boys! My dd is 15, wears very gender neutral clothing and hasn't shown any interest in dating so far. We haven't had to protect or discourage her from anything. We are all atheists.

@NoHunGosh You’re right. One aspect of the religion I was raised in that I found objectionable was child marriage. Although ‘modern’ Muslims like my family would never practice it nowadays it’s an undeniable part of their religion. It is complicated like you said.

@Nottherealslimshady Very interesting! I wonder if we can ever succeed at demystifying sex. That’s very sound advice about how to raise my daughter. I just feel like that’s such a huge battle in the age of instagram, reality tv stars etc

@lazylinguist That’s interesting. I wonder why our school experiences were so different

Most girls in my school were in sexual relationships from 13
There is nothing normal or common about that.
Most girls do not get into sexual relationships from the age of 13.

My experience is similar to that of lazylinguist. I grew up with parents who talked openly about sex and healthy (and unhealthy) relationships. I've done the same with my kids and my 14 year old daughter certainly doesn't seem to be under that kind of pressure. She and her friends aren't remotely interested in dating.

Yes, I do worry about this. My DD is only 5 but I find myself thinking about it already. Crop tops and short skirts and bikinis are readily available at that age. I find lots of tops have babe or similar slogans on them which I feel are sexualised.

I disagree it's easy to keep away from, just innocently watching a tv show such as xfactor or the like, pop stars come on wearing very few clothes, doing a sexy dance, pouting at the camera. Presenters with boobs out.

I think girls seem to grow up so much faster these days and things aren't so innocent anymore. I think it's everywhere too.

It’s interesting that people are saying that my experience at school was unusual. I went to a small private girls school. Most of the girls in my class were airheads who were very into their looks and boys. There were a few studious types who would get called ‘nerds’ who weren’t into that sort of thing but they were in the minority.