To feel like the worst parent...

[ImAwfulWithUsernames]

I have a toddler (almost 2) and am newly pregnant to our second. I try to take toddler out to play, he doesn't understand that after 2 hours we have to go, so my hair gets ripped out and face clawed at. I cry, he cries, I have to pick him up when I shouldn't be lifting heavy things right now. I need to pop to the shops to get a few bits for dinner, tantrum ensues and wish I just asked his dad to pick it up on the way home from work.
So we stay home.. we're both bored beyond belief. What do I do with a toddler who won't draw, paint or play nicely ? The only games he understands are like hide and seek etc. I can't do this 9 hours a day.
How do I keep him entertained? Without stressing me and the baby out?
I worry he will grow up thinking "all mum did was sit on the sofa and watch me run around"... but I'm at a loss for what to do with him.

Any words of wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated. Feeling very deflated right now! Thank you

The only way to get dd as a toddler to leave the park was to tell her it was tired and needed a sleep.

Love this

Giving 2 choices (with your preferred option last) used to work for me. So, "it's time to go home now. Would you prefer to be a horse walking home holding my hand, or have a ride in the pushchair and be a racing driver?"

You could try stickers / Velcro laminated chart to plot his day for him so he has a concept of what to expect. Even aged 2 they can follow basic plots in story books etc and over time and with practice, it helps them to understand the rhythm of a day. When they feel like they have some understanding of what might happen next, it can help them feel more secure and can lessen the tantrums. It would also help when the new baby arrives.

Remember that down time, where they have to play for a while by themselves is an important skill- making a busy box is a good way to introduce this concept. The idea is that it is filled with things that they wouldn't normally play with (sensory toys, utensils, tissues, tin foil, special books whatever) and they get it to look through and explore whilst you get 10 minutes to just observe rather than interact with them. The box goes away and is refilled with different items for next time.

Is there somewhere you can dedicate to messy play once a day? All the squishy, messy, wet play? Even if it's in the Bath/bathroom for easier clean up? It's such a stress reliever for them to play in that way and gives you a chance to again observe rather than interact. If you have space, a small inflatable paddling pool is great to put stuff in...shaving foam, play doh, edible slime, moon sand, water play etc etc

And don't feel bad about using the TV- there are many many educational programmes and a couple of hours a day won't cause any damage- just a time for you to doze and relax next to your LO whilst you are growing your baby!

I feel for you as it's hard but conflict tantrums and difficult times are part of the territory with a 2 year old, especially one that might be picking up that a new baby is on the way.

At the moment he is a very little person with very big feelings that he has no idea how to manage. It must be intensely frustrating and painful at times to be a toddler and not to be able to have things your way, especially if you are not yet mature enough to understand the wider picture of why you can't.

It's important for him developmentally to have these tantrums and to experience you as caring and understanding of his big feelings yet also firm and able to manage them. If you can manage his big feelings he will start to learn to manage them himself.

Try not to worry and accept he is going to have these strops and tantrums- you can't avoid it. Don't take it personally. It doesn't mean you are a dreadful mum. It's normal and necessary. Things can't be a bed of roses the whole time and if they were your son could never grow up and develop.

Just remember the three things

• 1. Try to be warm and kind (even when he's driving you mad!)

• 2. Be understanding that it is difficult to be a toddler and life must often feel arbitrary and unfair and hard to understand. Remembering this helps you treat him with compassion.

• 3. Be firm. Letting him have his own way with everything does him now favours. Decide your boundaries and stick to them. Don't let him knock the boundaries down as ultimately this will make him frightened of the size and power of his feelings and less able to manage them.

Good luck.

@ItsBeyondMe

You need to stay calm for a start. You crying will not be helping matters. And as for not lifting heavy things, that is a fallacy. You say you are newly pregnant which means that he hormone that causes your ligaments to soften isn’t even being produced yet so you can lift as normal.

Build towers out of bricks and knock them down. Build dens and obstacle courses. Get a mini trampoline fir him to jump on.

Definitely agree with this about lifting -pregnant women pick up children all the time. You don't need to carry him, just pick him up and strap him into the pushchair. I know they often struggle, but you being pregnant doesn't make a difference, apart from maybe late on when the bump can make it more difficult to wrestle with them. Do not allow him to hurt you -you are an adult and should be able to take hold of his hands to stop him and tell him no, which two year olds understand.

When you're pregnant you can keep up any physical activity you did prior to becoming pregnant. So don't worry about picking up your child, it won't harm the baby. I thought the notion of pregnant women not being able to do normal activities was outdated decades ago tbh!

My son doesn't care if he's told off at all. He doesn't care about any consequences. From the age of 2 I'd say "if you don't stop we're not doing X". He would just say he didn't want to do it anyway and wouldn't care he couldn't do it. With him I completely ignore any bad behaviour as he doesn't like that. I continue whatever I'm doing and give a clear instruction of what is happening. I really praise good behaviour and it's effective. He hardly ever misbehaves because he wants good attention.

Ditto to ‘washing up’ at the sink. My Gdd at that age also loved ‘cooking’ - a trickle of water, several unbreakable cups, same number of spoons, and some dry pasta to put in the cups of water and stir.

With leaving places, I stumbled upon a great trick with my son when he was about 2. It still works now he's almost 4 and it's working with my youngest too (she is 20 months)

I have an Apple Watch but you could do this on your phone too.

When it's almost time to leave somewhere I tell them we have to go in 5 mins. They watch me set the timer on my watch for 5 mins.

Every min that passes I count down to them. So at 4 mins to go I call them by name and say 4 mins. Same at 4,2 and 1 min. Some times I count down from 10 seconds too.

When the alarm goes off I show them the alarm and pick up our stuff to leave, put coats on and put in the buggy.

I've yet to have a melt down when it's time to leave somewhere if I've done this. If I don't do it, I get a tantrum from one of them

Oh my gosh thank you all so much for your kind replies! I genuinely thought I was doing something wrong with him, and missing out on some big secret to a happy life with a toddler?! It's very reassuring to know I'm not alone.
Thank you for all the activity ideas! We will be giving them a go today thank you so much xx

Just to add, I also plan our day around CBeebies schedule lol.

My two know that breakfast cones after peter rabbit so they are ok when the TV goes off.

Going out wee wee for preschool happens after alpha blocks

During serious lock down they also knew that lunch came after Tinga Tinga lol.

Having things in the day they do understand to help with passage of time really helps

The terrible twos are hard! I hate the tantrums. That said, I make sure we go out as being stuck indoors all day doesn't do either of us any good. I usually bribe DD with a snack when it's time to leave somewhere - this always work. However hard you may find it, crying will just exacerbate the situation for both of you. It's hard, but you need to try and keep calm.

You doing better than me OP. I got so stressed out with the drama of managing my toddler I went back to work just so I could pay for a nursery to do the hard bits. (only half joking) You’re doing absolutely fine, completely normal behaviour from the 2 year old and it’s a phase that WILL pass I promise.

I think the way that techniques like the Apple Watch one work shows that what toddlers find hardest is feeling like they live in an arbitrary world where the plan changes any moment. Something like the watch countdown is really good as it is a very concrete simple way that they can understand visually.

Special baths before bed are a child pleaser,
Glow sticks in bath with lights off
Bubbles
Bath crayons
Ice cubes
Bath fizzers
Water colour change tablets
Bath pain
Shaving foam

Even if we haven’t done much in the day, if the children get a special bath before bed they always enjoy it and it ends the day on a nice note.

It’s hard at the moment I’m in tier 3 no soft plays, no swimming, no library and it’s pissing it down most of the time. I struggle too! You are not alone.

I took mine out every day. It’s boring at home for e erroneous and boys in particular do not sit and colour and ‘play nicely’ at that age.

I went to 2 mother and toddler a week, different days,villages, cheap. You get to chat to other,mums.

Singing/music class, not so cheap.

Toddler art class, not so cheap.

Tumblebtots class

Park, playground all the time.

Story time in the library, free.

One thing a day, gives shape to your day, pick up things from shops in the same trip.

These activities tend to be in the morning so back home for lunch, sleep?, dvd, more chilled time.

You may also make friends at these activities and then do play dates at each other houses.

When you have your next baby, make sure to Jon a local NCT class or second time mums group. You need to be out meeting other mums to keep you sane. Boys prefer being outside.

Just wanted to confirm what others are saying about picking up your child whilst pregnant.

I have been told specifically by my doctor that I shouldn't do any heavy lifting during this pregnancy, and it is because of a medical problem.

If it isn't safe for you to lift your child during pregnancy then you will know about it because the doctor will tell you. If they haven't specifically advised you about it then I would assume it's fine.

I get out as much as possible (I also got to work three days a week as I have no desire to do this every day). For example yesterday we went to baby ballet in the morning then there's a playpark next to the venue, then we went pumpkin picking after her nap. Today we're going to the farm, we have a membership so go all the time, then meeting a friend for soft play in the afternoon. Is there any reason you have to leave everywhere after two hours? Or do you mean playgroups and things like that?

I also spend plenty of time sitting on the sofa. I'm currently lying here on my phone while DD attempts to put my wellies on my feet and now is pulling my socks off.

Is he too little for a countdown timer like some of these. You can practise with him to say an activity ends when the timer runs out. www.cheapdisabilityaids.co.uk/special-needs-timers-40-c.asp

Or now, next and then pictures? They can help with planting the idea the current activity has a finish time and he needs to change his activity. Now we're at home, next we go to the park, then we'll come home. Now we're at the park, next we'll go home, then we'll eat our
lunch.

Loads of free resources for that here www.twinkl.co.uk/

I think the other thing that's hard to manage with small ones is that they communicate very powerfully by projecting feelings into you their mum! So you also get the feeling of anger/frustration/fear etc that they are having. Also joy too (in the good times)!

It's no wonder op feels like crying sometimes- her son is projecting lots of strong feelings into her. He can't tell op what he feels like yet as he is only just starting to learn emotional literacy.

As you have a kind of double task really - to manage all these feelings but taking a step back too and remembering to think and trying to maintain the adult role. After all that is the skill that you have which your child doesn't yet have - the ability to step back and think "ok / this feels horrid - we're both really cross and it feels like it's going out of control - but let's not worry - this will pass, we will be in our way soon and soon we will settle down again".

Just thinking on the positive side - probably we all remember feeling joy and love. I remember my second child jumped in a puddle or something like that - the sheer joy in his face and I really felt it too! So much so I went over and joined in!

Such a rollercoaster with toddlers! 🎢

@missmouse101

Giving 2 choices (with your preferred option last) used to work for me. So, "it's time to go home now. Would you prefer to be a horse walking home holding my hand, or have a ride in the pushchair and be a racing driver?"

This is an excellent point: never give a toddler the chance to say 'no'. They very quickly cotton on to the power of no (about 2 seconds after they learn to say it ) and it's a huge thrill for them - to the point that they will say it, even if they actually like what is being offered.

Also don't offer unlimited choice because they find this over-whelming and it often starts a meltdown. So don't ask, "What do you want to eat?" - it's too broad. Offer 2 choices: juice or milk, walk or be pushed, red jumper or green. Let them exercise the thrill of saying no on unimportant stuff (eg. TV programme choice) but not when it's going to cause you hassle.

And, if all else fails and you sense a meltdown is near, try doing something silly. A good fart noise has got me out of many tricky toddler negotiations

You need to go out every day- go to a park so he can play and you can sit on a bench. Yes, he might kick off when you leave, but it’s better that he got some time outside. Don’t stay in all the time, you’ll both go mad.

Some soft plays have reopened, and some toddler groups are running. I take my DS to one on a Friday morning when it’s my day off. It’s a few quid per time, can you afford that? A lifesaver if you can.

Do you have friends with DC who can meet you at the park? Take a ball and throw it backwards and forwards. If you do stay in, do you have paper and crayons? Anything to absorb his attention, even filling an empty coke bottle with lentils or rice to make a shaker. Doesn’t need to be expensive.

Have libraries reopened near you? They and shops are good for exploring. Maybe see if local swimming lessons are back on or pools open?

Please go out every day, even if just for a walk- it’s so much better for you both.

@Feelingconfused2020

I just wrote a massive reply and my battery went but here is the gist 1) you are not a bad parent 2) he's normal at this age. Kids this age have the attention span of a newt (I assume newts have small attention spans!) 3) persevere with outings, don't stay in all the time just give warnings as you approach leaving time and step away if he lashes out. As he gets older you can use time out etc but he's probably too young. 4) he won't remember this time anyway so if you put the TV on for him now and then when you are exhausted he will be fine (my children have a similar gap and ds doesn't remember at all)

Here are some activities my kids loved at this age...

1. racing cars across the floor
2. chalking on the patio
3. getting pans and wooden spoons and making noise
4. sticking music on and dancing, maybe play a non competitive game of musical statues.
5. anything involving pretending the teddies are real such as doctors, restaurants, tea parties, schools where you line the teddies up and pretend to treat/feed/ teach them. This is a great one because he can continue on his own when you aren't there anymore.
6. baking
7. kims game (the memory one) with just three items. Hide one, can he find it?
8. simple 2 piece jigsaws
9. get a bag or basket and go outside and make a "collection"
10. instead of hide and seek why not hide an item and let him find it.

Sometime I coax to go home from outings with a white lie, things like "quick we have to go home to show daddy your collection while it's still fresh"(!!??).

" The place is closing now and if we don't leave the man might get cross".

" Your dinner is ready and we don't want it to get cold"

" Teddy is on the phone and says he wants you to come home and tell him what you had in your picnic"

Or some other nonsense!

This plus look on national trust website for 50 things to do before 11 3/4, puddle jumping. i always found when i looked after other kids who would want permanent attention i would print off a daily time sheet and block book out activities so they knew exactly what they were doing and when, plus your LO only 2 so you can fib a bit ha ha. Good luck as it is perfectly normal for his behaviour and your guilt

It is a hard stage indeed! But you do need to try and stay calm.

One of the golden rules is to try and stay one jump ahead. Think through the situation before it arises, because you have got the measure of him and know what will trigger problems. So.... you know that leaving is a trigger point.....so you have several strategies up your sleeve - many brilliant ones have been suggested above.

It is important not to feel or show exasperation, because in reality his behaviour is only to be expected. You need to try and stay ahead of those expectations - to try and get inside his head. You are two.....you are doing something you enjoy......you do not understand why it should stop because you are too young to understand......... what might sweeten the pill?

Distraction is brilliant!

I'd still take him out, it's torture to be stuck indoors with a young child!

Distraction and bribes when it's time to leave frankly.
Hitting you is not acceptable, be very firm when telling him no.

He has to learn to play independently. You don't have to do anything when you are at home. (apart from supervising and not letting him hurt himself or destroy the place obviously).
He will have to learn to occupy himself. Put some toys and books, rotate them regularly and let him get on with him.

You will not be able to run around him when the baby is here. It's much better if he learns to life his little life without mummy behind before, as opposed to blame it on the new baby.

My kids favourite indoors activities at that age?
Emptying the bookcases and the clothes drawers🤷 It's around that time all the Tupperware moved to the bottom cupboards in the kitchen. It takes 2 minutes to put everything back, totally worth it.