Hello all. First post here- not sure how to explain this, just trying to get some clarity over childhood events. I had a pretty terrible time growing up. However as I’ve gotten older I’ve started to doubt what I actually remember, and whether or not I’m making it something it isnt, and that actually my experiences are not as bad as I originally thought. I don’t want to ‘drip feed’ so I will try and explain in as simple way possible.
I was blamed for things out with my control and exposed to sexual things from a young age and just generally had a miserable time. I wasn’t ever abused, but my mother treated me as a friend and so from the age of around 6+ (possibly younger however I can’t remember before this) I was exposed to sexual things such as jokes, comments, movies etc. My mum behaved/dressed/lived in a sexual way and so I was encouraged to act and behave in a sexual way too, because I just copied her and I thought it was normal. My mum laughed when I talked about disgusting sexual things and so I thought it was funny and I kept doing it, all I wanted to do was to please me mum and for her to like me. An example of this would be me copying how her and her friends posed for photographs (things like I would push out my chest, sticking out my bum, that sort of thing). I remember my mother telling me in depth details about her sexual partners and I found sexual objects in our house, lying out in the open- it wasn’t as if I went into any drawers or anything, it was lying out in the open. At the time I thought it was hilarious and I know I shouldn’t have gone along with it but I just thought it was normal. I suppose my question is, to any mothers reading this, was that normal? Was it normal for there to be sexual comments, jokes, information etc all the time? Was it normal for my mum to walk around naked in front of me when I was a child? I was always encouraged to be sexual but it wasn’t intentional, I think it was because we had a friend relationship rather than mother-daughter. Other things worth mentioning is when I asked for advice about my developing body she laughed at my body and told me that boys don’t like ‘hairy jungles’ and the type of underwear I would wear (normal non-sexual underwear that a preteen/ early teen would wear) was always made fun of too as this is something else that apparently boys wouldn’t like. There were other things too, but I’m boring everyone now so I’ll sum it up, I feel as if I was encouraged to be sexual/sexualised at a young age. This isn’t normal, is it? I just want to clarify it wasn’t a sexually abusive way, i was never abused, it was just to make fun of me because they obviously thought that a young child posing/ making sexual jokes etc was funny.
Other things include me being permanently on edge incase I upset her- I loved her with all my heart and everything I did seemed to upset her and disappoint her. She was so ‘fun and cool’ towards other children and my friends always told me how lucky I was, but I never felt loved by her. She was the mother that would swear and make sexual jokes so they thought she was hilarious. There was a lot of name calling and emotional blackmail- I have horrible memories of my dad being physically abusive and I was always told that I might get sent to live with him because he was seen as a better parent than my mum was. With hindsight, this was purely to scare me and to make us seem like vulnerable victims. And it worked- I grew up terrified that I would end up taken away from my mum.
I grew up thinking my mother despised me, I always made her annoyed and I was just a liability in general. All my childhood memories (birthdays, holidays etc) include her either getting completely wasted to the point I needed to look after her, or doing something stupid and getting herself into trouble and me being left to try and help her. For example, at my birthday party (preteen) she was so drunk and we were kicked out of the venue and I was left to look after us and get us both home safely. At the time, I thought this was all normal, but it’s not is it? We didn’t have money for things, and she rarely got me a birthday or Christmas present and even when she did it was always something cheap from Tesco that she bought in a panic the night before- there was no wrapping or anything like that. Meanwhile for friends/boyfriends it was the opposite. And she ALWAYS found money for drinking/going on holidays. I remember being really confused when I was around 10 years old about why we didn’t have enough money for heating (i slept with my coat on) and nice food (I always had whatever was in the house, usually chocolate or left over kebab) but yet she regularly went on drinking holidays to Ibiza with her friends. The only way I could make sense of it was that we did intact have money, I just wasn’t worth it being spent on me. Please don’t think I’m complaining about not getting fancy presents, I promise I’m not being shallow, it just hurt to see how she treated me vs others. It was like she had time for everyone else and I grew up feeling like I was never good enough. I would draw her pictures, spend my pocket money buying her presents and she didn’t bother with any of them- sometimes she would call them crap. She was rarely warm or motherly, and when she was it was only when putting on a show for her friends. I did everything for her and when I didn’t, it wouldn’t get done. For example, our house was filthy-full of rubbish, dog faeces, dead flies all over the floor, and my room was never done up for me to sleep in there so I slept on the couch or in my mothers room. It was like I wasn’t even important enough for my own room to be cleared of rubbish/for her to buy me bedding or wardrobes etc. I was blamed for things out with my control, however as I’ve aged I’ve started to question if it was my fault. When I was a child, I was very quiet around her (I walked on egg shells) so I was always really annoying and not much company for her. As I got older (13-19) I would answer back when she called me names- I remember telling her I hated her and that she was a bad person and a bad mother. I feel extremely guilty about this now- does me saying this to her make me as bad as her? I said these things during arguments when she was saying things to me, so I know that I said them in anger, but I meant them and I meant to hurt her by saying it. I feel so ashamed saying that, but I just meant to hurt her back because she was hurting me with what she was saying to me.
I grew up as her friend, not her daughter. I had to give advice about everything from sexual matters to breakups to work issues, and I was always a soapbox for her to rant at about anything she wanted to, however if I tried to tell her about school or anything bothering me, she would not listen and she would tell me she wasn’t interested in my stupid babyish problems. She made me feel like I was so stupid and worthless sometimes- to everyone else she was so cool and brilliant and I still don’t understand why I wasn’t good enough for her. I remember falling off my rollerskates and one of my friends running to fetch my mum and I begged her not to because I knew she would be sleeping (she slept and watched movies all day when she wasn’t working) and she would be furious with me.
Sorry for this being so long, I’ve been really struggling with it recently and I needed an honest opinion on what other mothers think of this. Is this a normal childhood? There’s so much more but I’ve already made this so long and bored everyone to death so I’ll stop it here. I can’t ask anyone else and I was an only child so it’s hard to know what was normal and what wasn’t. I’m worried that I’m making this into something it isn’t, and that actually my experiences aren’t unusual/bad- if this is the case please tell me as all opinions are fully welcomed. Things weren’t always bad and I did have some happy childhood memories (mainly when staying with other family members) and my mum was nice to me sometimes. I remember sometimes she wouldn’t shout at me and she would make me dinner or she would buy my favourite chocolate for me, or we would sing songs in the car together, so it wasn’t all bad. And I spoke back to her and told her I hated her and that she was a shit mum (and other things along those lines)- so does that make me just as bad?
I’m so sorry again for this being so long, and thank you to anyone who read this far. I’ve been dwelling on this myself and even though I’m an adult now and I no longer speak to my mum, I’m still confused about my childhood and whether or not I’m being unreasonable to think it was bad. Thank you so much for reading and helping.