AIBU to think my childhood was bad?

[Confusedandhopeless]

Hello all. First post here- not sure how to explain this, just trying to get some clarity over childhood events. I had a pretty terrible time growing up. However as I’ve gotten older I’ve started to doubt what I actually remember, and whether or not I’m making it something it isnt, and that actually my experiences are not as bad as I originally thought. I don’t want to ‘drip feed’ so I will try and explain in as simple way possible.

I was blamed for things out with my control and exposed to sexual things from a young age and just generally had a miserable time. I wasn’t ever abused, but my mother treated me as a friend and so from the age of around 6+ (possibly younger however I can’t remember before this) I was exposed to sexual things such as jokes, comments, movies etc. My mum behaved/dressed/lived in a sexual way and so I was encouraged to act and behave in a sexual way too, because I just copied her and I thought it was normal. My mum laughed when I talked about disgusting sexual things and so I thought it was funny and I kept doing it, all I wanted to do was to please me mum and for her to like me. An example of this would be me copying how her and her friends posed for photographs (things like I would push out my chest, sticking out my bum, that sort of thing). I remember my mother telling me in depth details about her sexual partners and I found sexual objects in our house, lying out in the open- it wasn’t as if I went into any drawers or anything, it was lying out in the open. At the time I thought it was hilarious and I know I shouldn’t have gone along with it but I just thought it was normal. I suppose my question is, to any mothers reading this, was that normal? Was it normal for there to be sexual comments, jokes, information etc all the time? Was it normal for my mum to walk around naked in front of me when I was a child? I was always encouraged to be sexual but it wasn’t intentional, I think it was because we had a friend relationship rather than mother-daughter. Other things worth mentioning is when I asked for advice about my developing body she laughed at my body and told me that boys don’t like ‘hairy jungles’ and the type of underwear I would wear (normal non-sexual underwear that a preteen/ early teen would wear) was always made fun of too as this is something else that apparently boys wouldn’t like. There were other things too, but I’m boring everyone now so I’ll sum it up, I feel as if I was encouraged to be sexual/sexualised at a young age. This isn’t normal, is it? I just want to clarify it wasn’t a sexually abusive way, i was never abused, it was just to make fun of me because they obviously thought that a young child posing/ making sexual jokes etc was funny.

Other things include me being permanently on edge incase I upset her- I loved her with all my heart and everything I did seemed to upset her and disappoint her. She was so ‘fun and cool’ towards other children and my friends always told me how lucky I was, but I never felt loved by her. She was the mother that would swear and make sexual jokes so they thought she was hilarious. There was a lot of name calling and emotional blackmail- I have horrible memories of my dad being physically abusive and I was always told that I might get sent to live with him because he was seen as a better parent than my mum was. With hindsight, this was purely to scare me and to make us seem like vulnerable victims. And it worked- I grew up terrified that I would end up taken away from my mum.

I grew up thinking my mother despised me, I always made her annoyed and I was just a liability in general. All my childhood memories (birthdays, holidays etc) include her either getting completely wasted to the point I needed to look after her, or doing something stupid and getting herself into trouble and me being left to try and help her. For example, at my birthday party (preteen) she was so drunk and we were kicked out of the venue and I was left to look after us and get us both home safely. At the time, I thought this was all normal, but it’s not is it? We didn’t have money for things, and she rarely got me a birthday or Christmas present and even when she did it was always something cheap from Tesco that she bought in a panic the night before- there was no wrapping or anything like that. Meanwhile for friends/boyfriends it was the opposite. And she ALWAYS found money for drinking/going on holidays. I remember being really confused when I was around 10 years old about why we didn’t have enough money for heating (i slept with my coat on) and nice food (I always had whatever was in the house, usually chocolate or left over kebab) but yet she regularly went on drinking holidays to Ibiza with her friends. The only way I could make sense of it was that we did intact have money, I just wasn’t worth it being spent on me. Please don’t think I’m complaining about not getting fancy presents, I promise I’m not being shallow, it just hurt to see how she treated me vs others. It was like she had time for everyone else and I grew up feeling like I was never good enough. I would draw her pictures, spend my pocket money buying her presents and she didn’t bother with any of them- sometimes she would call them crap. She was rarely warm or motherly, and when she was it was only when putting on a show for her friends. I did everything for her and when I didn’t, it wouldn’t get done. For example, our house was filthy-full of rubbish, dog faeces, dead flies all over the floor, and my room was never done up for me to sleep in there so I slept on the couch or in my mothers room. It was like I wasn’t even important enough for my own room to be cleared of rubbish/for her to buy me bedding or wardrobes etc. I was blamed for things out with my control, however as I’ve aged I’ve started to question if it was my fault. When I was a child, I was very quiet around her (I walked on egg shells) so I was always really annoying and not much company for her. As I got older (13-19) I would answer back when she called me names- I remember telling her I hated her and that she was a bad person and a bad mother. I feel extremely guilty about this now- does me saying this to her make me as bad as her? I said these things during arguments when she was saying things to me, so I know that I said them in anger, but I meant them and I meant to hurt her by saying it. I feel so ashamed saying that, but I just meant to hurt her back because she was hurting me with what she was saying to me.

I grew up as her friend, not her daughter. I had to give advice about everything from sexual matters to breakups to work issues, and I was always a soapbox for her to rant at about anything she wanted to, however if I tried to tell her about school or anything bothering me, she would not listen and she would tell me she wasn’t interested in my stupid babyish problems. She made me feel like I was so stupid and worthless sometimes- to everyone else she was so cool and brilliant and I still don’t understand why I wasn’t good enough for her. I remember falling off my rollerskates and one of my friends running to fetch my mum and I begged her not to because I knew she would be sleeping (she slept and watched movies all day when she wasn’t working) and she would be furious with me.

Sorry for this being so long, I’ve been really struggling with it recently and I needed an honest opinion on what other mothers think of this. Is this a normal childhood? There’s so much more but I’ve already made this so long and bored everyone to death so I’ll stop it here. I can’t ask anyone else and I was an only child so it’s hard to know what was normal and what wasn’t. I’m worried that I’m making this into something it isn’t, and that actually my experiences aren’t unusual/bad- if this is the case please tell me as all opinions are fully welcomed. Things weren’t always bad and I did have some happy childhood memories (mainly when staying with other family members) and my mum was nice to me sometimes. I remember sometimes she wouldn’t shout at me and she would make me dinner or she would buy my favourite chocolate for me, or we would sing songs in the car together, so it wasn’t all bad. And I spoke back to her and told her I hated her and that she was a shit mum (and other things along those lines)- so does that make me just as bad?

I’m so sorry again for this being so long, and thank you to anyone who read this far. I’ve been dwelling on this myself and even though I’m an adult now and I no longer speak to my mum, I’m still confused about my childhood and whether or not I’m being unreasonable to think it was bad. Thank you so much for reading and helping.

Oh, that made me feel so sad. I'm so sorry you had that experience. Reading your words... and seeing how often you apologised and said you hoped you weren't a bad person. None of this was your fault! I hope you can get some counselling. MIND are brilliant. Again, I'm so sorry.

Upsetting to read and definitely not normal.

Answering back is normal though, especially as a teen. My much younger DC regularly call me a terrible mother and say they hate me for far less crimes - you have not caused any of this because of things you said.

Agree with above posters that you should look to get some counselling. I'm sorry that you have gone through this.

Oh OP none of that was normal - your childhood was neglectful at best and actually quite abusive in my opinion.

There is no question about it - you are not ‘as bad’ because you pushed back sometimes and said your mum was a bad mum. You had good reason to feel that way, and in any case most teenagers say things like this at times. It’s a parent’s job to provide consistency and security, not a child’s job to maintain a volatile relationship.

You’ve clearly spent a huge amount of your childhood trying to fix this relationship by moderating your own behaviour, but that wasn’t your responsibility or your fault. It was far too much of a burden for a child, especially when you weren’t even receiving a basic level of care, love and attention.

I’m so sorry you went through this - you deserved so much better.

Another voice to tell you that no, that is not normal. You have had a dysfunctional childhood, which is very sad, and nothing can make up for that. I hope you find much more happiness in the next phase of your life.

I'm very glad you had other family where you could see how things should be. That will have been very important, and will help you hugely as you process everything and make your own life. Do you know if they reported how awful your life was with your mother?

Nothing about you caused your mum to behave as she did. No matter what kind of person or personality you were as a child, nothing would have changed. This is entirely her fault. I am a more outgoing personality than my DCs, but I love them as they are and would never resent them for being quieter than me.

I am sorry you experienced such profound neglect, and that she made no effort to protect you.

I hope you find peace as an adult, and can manage your life in a way which works for you.

No, not a normal childhood at all. So sorry that you endured that. What is your relationship like now with your mum?

Dear God this is awful and I say this as a woman with an awful DM. The things you didn't have are basics. You should never been exposed to all this sexual stuff.

You've had to be more her parent than her friend. She sounds like an attention seeker and I've got no time for people like that. She couldn't even give you a safe space away from the madness or some attention from others on your birthday. I'd cut ties or you will be parenting her forever

I had an awful childhood too OP, resulting in C-PTSD. You can get through this, ot sounds like you're ready to process your past, but it may take some time.

Look into getting some help, counselling can be so beneficial.

Also - remember that your mum did her best but was flawed. You deserved better, you really did, yet sadly some people are just not up to being good parents and they usually have pain in their past, too.

Forgiving my mother for her abuse (but recognising it, and not saying it was okay) was vital for me recovering. Now I see her as a product of her own dysfunctional childhood, I can understand her behaviour and choices and it helps.

It wasn't my fault, just as it's not your fault. I hope you can find some peace

No, you're right, that was a totally crap childhood. Was she a bit of a younger mum? I've seen this play out with younger mums who get pregnant at the height of their partying days and can't pull themselves together enough to grow up and care for their child. I was a younger mum myself and was so terrified of this happening that I dressed like an old lady and did nothing but bake and talk about organic baby food for the first years of my eldest child's life

The in depth discussion of your mum's sex life and all the rest of it is totally grim and inappropriate. I'd rather boil my own head.

The lack of food/bedding etc is neglect plain and simple. Did none of your other family members pick up on this?

I'm really sorry this happened to you

Heartbreaking to read. I’m so sorry, I hope you can get some support from here 😔

💔

op just because there were some good times doesn't mean that your childhood wasn't terrible.
While it can be helpful for some people to understand why their abuser abused them it is important that it doesn't become a way of excusing or minimising the abuse.
It is a parent's job the break the chain of abuse and do the best for their child.

Your childhood WAS bad. You’re not in the wrong for recognising that, not in any way. Your mother was selfish, neglectful and exposed you to things you should not have encountered as a child. I would term that abuse. So sorry, hope you can get some support in coming to terms with this.

The thing that struck me from reading your post is the sense of guilt that is embedded in every word you write. I think it's because you feel that guilt that you question whether you're wrong for asking if it was a bad childhood.

The reason you feel guilty is because your mum trained/conditioned you to feel guilty. It's NOT because you're childhood was 'normal' or good enough. For want of a better description, she gaslighted you. By her reactions she made you think that anything that made her happy was right, and anything that annoyed her was your fault.

I'm sorry OP. I had a parent with some similar issues. I still find myself playing down how bad it was, like I'm an imposter compared to people who suffered 'real' abuse. But then I remember my mum telling me I should be grateful that she fed me because I was a horrible child she got dumped with... And then I remind myself what I would think of if say, any of my friends talked to their own child like that and I switch to my adult perspective instead of my confused child perspective.

Wishing you happiness now and in future, you deserve it

It was bad @Confusedandhopeless.
Serioulsy, when I started reading I had questions. I don’t think being naked is an issue for example. But the stuff lying around and her comments about your underwear etc... 🤮🤮

And then when you started to talk about the lack of heating/food/presents, it was obvious. Your childhood wasn’t just ‘bad’. Your mum was neglectful and abusive.

I agree with some PP. I think you need some counselling to help you clarify what has happened and see what is and isn’t normal (which is very little tbh!).
The fact you are still trying to protect her whilst also protecting yourself (eg your insistence at you not been shallow etc...) is quite telling.

That's gross neglect. You have every right to be examining your childhood and challenging and questioning it. I hope you come through the process with a stronger sense of self and self-care.

I have come to mistrust every parent that peers are jealous of because they are so 'fun.' If one more person tells me how lucky I am to have such a lovely dad I might actually take a deep breath and tell them what he is like behind the scenes. OP, your comment about friends thinking she's great really resonated. It leaves you with nowhere to turn to because the world keeps reinforcing your mother's message that she's amazing and you're the problem. The world is wrong. You are right. That's a very vulnerable position to navigate when you are young. You will only get past this by being honest with yourself and allowing yourself to be very critical of her behaviour.

Your post is heartbreaking.
The lack of bedding in itself is enough for SS to become involved, let alone everything else.
It wasnt just your M who failed you OP, it was those around you (relatives, school, friends parents) who likely guessed that things were not right and did nothing.
It's a lesson to us all. Safeguarding policies are out there, but SS/NSPCC cannot act if no one reports to them.
I hope you find the help that you need for yourself now OP.

I hope that you can get some proper counselling and therapy to help to process all that you went through, so that you can move forward in your life in a positive way. I'm so sorry for all that you went through

Can I also say - the fact that you were sometimes not with her doesn't reduce the impact of the neglect and emotional abuse you suffered. The pain/damage comes from being let down so badly by your mother - the most important relationship we have as children. Please don't feel that you're making too much of it because you weren't with her constantly - that's not how it works, sadly. You sound wonderful - insightful and generous, and very mature. I really hope you manage to access some psychotherapy, it will really help you understand what was happening and 'find' your feelings about it, so you can start to recover.

Thank you all so much for how kind you’ve been... I had deep down thought I was being an attention seeker and making this something it isn’t and so I was prepared for answers telling me that but everyone’s been so kind and I can’t tell you how much it means to me. I’ve read every single reply several times and they are all so kind.

Yeah, she was a young mum. I always thought that had something to do with how she behaved and I hoped that as she got older she would mature/settle down like normal adults do and become a more normal mum but that never happened. Her friends grew up and settled down but she stayed the way she is. She had a good, happy background and was extremely fortunate to have a loving family and lots of money. Her parents/siblings are extremely confused about why she is so different to the rest of the family as she had such a happy upbringing- it was like she went off the rails and never went back on them. However I also understand that something may have happened to her that nobody would know about, so whilst on the surface she had a happy childhood, nobody really knows that apart from her. Everyone I’ve spoken to thinks she has mental health problems as her behaviour is just so off.

We hardly ever talk anymore- if I try and talk about what happened she gets angry at me for it and accuses me of picking on her. She doesnt usually deny what happened, but it’s as if me talking about it upsets her too much and she won’t hear it. Then I feel bad for upsetting her/ making it worse so I just drop it. I’ve had times where I’ve decided no contact is the best thing- I think the longest I’ve had is probably a few months- but then I always end up feeling guilty and we make up and she promises she will change but it never happens. She only ever wants to talk about her and she doesn’t care/ask/want to talk about my life- if I try to tell her anything she just twists the topic back to herself/what she wants to talk about.

Social services were never involved because the good family I did have were terrified to report in case I was taken away altogether. Their reasoning was that it was better they had me 50% of the time and that way they could guarantee my safety at least half the time rather than end up in foster care/ put with my dad. Getting sent to live with my dad was always a big fear- he was violent but never charged and from the outside had a successful life, and so my mum would frequently tell me that I would end up with him. I don’t know why she told me this because it was obvious I was terrified, I genuinely think it was part of making us victims more than we already were.

The other thing worth mentioning, and I was going to mention this in my earlier post but I felt too ashamed, is that I wasn’t always the nicest child. Around my mum I was very quiet (she was a big enough character for both of us) and I walked on egg shells, however at school and with friends I acted confidently and loud (and annoying)- I think I just longed for the feeling that people liked me and I was copying how my mum behaved around her friends. To people who didn’t know what was going on, I would have appeared to be an annoying loud cheeky child. There was a few times I teased other children too much, one in particular who played with us but was younger than the rest of us, and this is something I am utterly furious at myself for. We sometimes all played happily together, but sometimes there was teasing, name calling, leaving out etc- that sort of behaviour. This was all

Well done OP, for surviving that difficult childhood, for posting such an honest account of things and for having the self awareness to acknowledge the bigger picture. I think the counselling you began has probably helped you gain perspective, and it would be good to return to it. Whilst it's true that others have had things worse, it's not the case that only those who've suffered abuse deserve counselling. You deserve help - feel no guilt in seeking it out.

It's a nice idea to seek out the friends from childhood that you feel you wronged, to apologise to them. You might be surprised to find that they don't even remember the things that you did, but if they do, they will probably appreciate the gesture.

I'm glad you have some other family members who care and support you. Make the most of them, nuture those relationships, and nurture yourself.

PS: I meant to say, "it's not the case that only those who've suffered WORSE abuse deserve counselling".

OP, you took your pain out on others - that's human. You stopped once you became fully aware of the pain you were causing, which is fantastic. It would be lovely to apologise, but if you can't, don't worry. You are not to blame for any of this - you were a child who deserved love and protection. It's not and never was your responsibility to protect or fix your mother - concentrate on yourself so you can go on to have the happy life that you deserve.

OP, with regard to how you treated others, read up on 'fleas'. It's a slang term for the psychological phenomenon of mirroring the behaviour of the dominant adult in your family because they succeed. So if they are a drama queen and have people scurrying around after them, indulging every whim and walking on eggshells, you act on the same way because that's a better bet than always being the victim. You (one) can do it for years without realising it is not at all natural to you. Not your personality at all. You're just carrying the fleas that have hopped over from her personality. Once you realise this, you can evaluate who you are, how you naturally choose to be around other people and can accept yourself more easily.

I’m so very sorry OP.

What you describe to me sounds like both abuse and neglect. Do not blame yourself- you were a child. Your mother treated you very badly.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. It was not your fault. The way your mother behaved is not normal mother/child behaviour.

If you can, seeking therapy and/or contacting the NAPAC might be a good place to find help and support.