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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not know if I’m being gaslit?

28 replies

Doctornoway · 22/10/2020 09:07

Name changed for this, my brain is so foggy I can’t even describe it properly but we had an argument last night, husband started screaming at me for closing the door over as I left the room to go up to bed, meaning he couldn’t keep an eye on our pup who was sleeping in the kitchen. I, at pains to prove I had just absent mindedly closed it over as I left the room, and not because I was angry at him (which is what he was accusing me of) swore on my children’s lives that I had just not been thinking, he then started screaming at me “don’t you dare use their names in this scenario” then there was a bit more back and forth which I genuinely can’t remember, I was totally blindsided by it all, then he started to say (still shouting) he was exhausted and was just trying to watch the football, at which point I lost my temper and started shouting back that HE had called ME back and started an argument, I called him a fucking dick and as I stormed upstairs he was shouting names after me. I’m not proud of my response, and clearly we need counselling of some sort to rectify this as this is an example of a typical argument of ours, but lately I’ve started to wonder if it’s more than petty squabbles? I can’t fathom why anyone would choose to spend their time angry at their spouse so I really do try and resolve ASAP, although having said that he tried to be nice before work and I told him I was too angry so maybe it is just a 50/50 thing? My brain is so foggy with it all and I’m exhausted :( Is this is being equally arseholish or are his accusations that when I do something it’s because I’m angry and or having a go when I’m not just normal for couples who aren’t getting on?

OP posts:
HilaryBriss · 22/10/2020 09:18

Its not gaslighting, he's just an arsehole.

Doctornoway · 22/10/2020 09:23

Entirely possible and entirely possible I’m
Just being one back! My main issue which I haven’t explained well at all, is arguments often start with me being accused of something when I’m just going about my daily business “you slammed that door because you are annoyed at me” - me “wtf? No I didn’t!” Or “you deliberately bought Robinson’s raspberry jam when you know I prefer Tesco own brand because You are pissed off with me” I’ve tried to talk to him about why he thinks I’d be doing these things and he accuses me of “having a go” I never see these blow ups coming and it’s getting hard to live with!

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 22/10/2020 09:25

Please read the book called, 'living with the dominator,' by Pat Craven. Your h is exactly like my xh. I didn't know that men like that existed. I'm from a very happy family and I had a very happy childhood. What your husband is doing is teaching you to watch your words. Before you know it you'll be thinking through everything before you speak and working so hard to please him. You'll then be so grateful when you get a glimmer of kindness because it will make you hope that the person you thought you married had returned.

GabriellaMontez · 22/10/2020 09:28

He sounds like a wanker. That's all really. Has it always been like this?

Doctornoway · 22/10/2020 09:29

I’m already doing that, I watch the way I close doors (!) I try and make sure the house is tidy and dinner is ready because I work from home but I’ve fallen behind with work now because I’m finishing early to make sure everything’s ready, I’ve a big project at work this week so he made dinner Monday and Tuesday (he makes dinner about 10-15 times a year despite us both working full time, although there’s other jobs he does more than me, gardening etc) and I can’t help but feel that his argument was “punishment” for me ask in g him to make dinner twice

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 22/10/2020 09:30

You are trying to rationalise someone who is sabotaging you intentionally. Honestly I had no idea people behaved like this. Eventually I started to follow his orders, 'I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that to the door.' I mostly did it to keep the peace but I truly thought he was having a difficult time at work. It took a year and the more obedient I was the more power and rules he made me obey. The cunt is my xh now. I will never speak to the abusive and controlling bastard ever again.

Doctornoway · 22/10/2020 09:30

@GabriellaMontez

He sounds like a wanker. That's all really. Has it always been like this?
He’s always been prone to outbursts and angry overreactions but the accusations from nowhere are new
OP posts:
GreyishDays · 22/10/2020 09:31

That’s no way to live, however you look at it.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 22/10/2020 09:31

Defending yourself from someone being an arsehole to you is not 50/50. Next time he does it tell him to shut the fuck up, instead of trying to placate him. What a wanker,

wineandroses1 · 22/10/2020 09:31

This is really, really not normal or acceptable behaviour.

In all my years of marriage my DH has never spoken to me like you describe. Nor I to him. My parents didn't speak to each other like that (they had the odd argument, but nothing like what your DH is doing to you). I would find living like that unbearable.

And your children will think this is normal, and will either allow future partners to treat them the same way or they will be as abusive as your husband is.

Leave the vile bastard.

CallistoSol · 22/10/2020 09:32

Your H is clearly a grade a wanker, but please consider sending your puppy back to the breeder so it has the chance of a life in a calm and happy family. Screaming arguments are really upsetting for dogs (not to mention children).

Agirlcalled · 22/10/2020 09:34

Just ask yourself is he sitting there worrying about this at the moment? No? The very fact you are tying yourself in knots trying to understand this, asking yourself if you are to blame means there is something there. I know that feeling. It gets worse. Take care. You are not imagining it.

Doctornoway · 22/10/2020 09:35

@CallistoSol

Your H is clearly a grade a wanker, but please consider sending your puppy back to the breeder so it has the chance of a life in a calm and happy family. Screaming arguments are really upsetting for dogs (not to mention children).
I’ll be perfectly honest, the effect on the dog is worrying me more than the effect on me and I’m considering just leaving and taking the dog, as someone said above I know it’s no way to live, I’ve made an appointment with a counsellor through work today, hopefully that will give me a way forward.
OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 22/10/2020 09:40

He knows what you did, but he doesn't know why you did it. It's not gaslighting, but it's nasty, argumentative and exhausting!

Why not try saying to him that you won't be drawn into pointless arguments about what you are thinking? You could say you don't make assumptions about what is going on in his head and you won't engage when he does it to you.

My DH can happily run both sides of an argument when he gets going, filling in what he thinks I'm thinking, and I tell him what he's doing leave him to it - he doesn't need me.

When he says, "I know exactly why you did that, it was because of x," the only sane response is,

"If you want to know what I'm actually thinking, you can ask me and I'll tell you."

The corollary, of course, is; "It looks as if you'd rather run both sides of the argument yourself, role-playing at being me. I'll leave you to it because you don't need the real me here for that and I have more interesting things to do than be your audience."

You might have to keep the second part for when he's calmed down!

But truly, don't get drawn in to arguing with him if he's trying to tell you what you're thinking. That's never going anywhere good. He's not a mind-reader. We use words to ask and tell each other that stuff in a relationship, we don't need to guess.

If he does it all the time - especially if you both do it - you might benefit from some couples counselling to help you communicate more effectively. If it's just him, he might need an ultimatum.

Whatisthisfuckery · 22/10/2020 09:42

OP the thing that stuck out from your post for me is that you felt the need to swear on your DCs’ lives that you didn’t close the door on purpose. This is a rather extreme reaction to the situation, so I’m wondering, what would have happened if you’d have just shrugged, reopened the door and gone upstairs?

The fact that your reaction was so extreme suggests that you feel the need to grovel over minor things, and the most likely reason for that is that your life will be made hell if you don’t. It could certainly be interpreted, and I’m not saying it’s necessarily the case, but it could certainly be interpreted that you have becom afraid of your H’s reactions to even small things, and that you’re walking on eggshells so as not to set him off. Does this sound correct or am I way off?

NewlyGranny · 22/10/2020 09:43

Sorry, cross-posted. Good that you're seeing someone. I hope you get some clarity and can see your way clear.

Whatisthisfuckery · 22/10/2020 09:46

OP, I know this question is asked all the time on these boards, but I think it’s very appropriate in this case.

What are you getting out of this relationship? What about it makes you happy and feel it’s worth the bad shit?

Doctornoway · 22/10/2020 09:48

@Whatisthisfuckery

OP the thing that stuck out from your post for me is that you felt the need to swear on your DCs’ lives that you didn’t close the door on purpose. This is a rather extreme reaction to the situation, so I’m wondering, what would have happened if you’d have just shrugged, reopened the door and gone upstairs?

The fact that your reaction was so extreme suggests that you feel the need to grovel over minor things, and the most likely reason for that is that your life will be made hell if you don’t. It could certainly be interpreted, and I’m not saying it’s necessarily the case, but it could certainly be interpreted that you have becom afraid of your H’s reactions to even small things, and that you’re walking on eggshells so as not to set him off. Does this sound correct or am I way off?

No that’s pretty spot on, it’s strange because I’m not remotely afraid he will hit me, but I DO walk on eggshells because he will kick off like this at any misinterpreted slight and I either agree I’m doing something to provoke him or have a go (im not) or I try and persuade him I wasn’t (by going ott and swearing on kids lives etc) which doesn’t work, or we argue and he apologises the next day by which point I’m too angry and upset because it SUCH A WASTE OF OUR LIVES to perform this fucking ridiculous drama over and over. At this moment in time I would leave and never come back. I’m so so so tired of it, we are late 40’s and we seem to have a good few months and then a terrible few months then are good again, but the bad months use to be far outweighed and not that bad at all, I’d say that’s not the case now :(
OP posts:
Doctornoway · 22/10/2020 09:50

@Whatisthisfuckery

OP, I know this question is asked all the time on these boards, but I think it’s very appropriate in this case.

What are you getting out of this relationship? What about it makes you happy and feel it’s worth the bad shit?

At this moment in time, nothing I can think of! I lay in bed last night calculating where I could afford to live if we split up. That’s where my head is at.
OP posts:
Doctornoway · 22/10/2020 09:50

Thanks ladies you’ve kind of made me see it doesn’t actually matter if it’s gaslighting, im miserable either way

OP posts:
CallistoSol · 22/10/2020 09:55

I think taking the dog (and children?) and leaving your arse of an H is an excellent plan. I can guarantee you wont regret it :)

SpaceOP · 22/10/2020 10:08

I think this sounds absolutely draining. SIL has a similar situation where, if for example, she doesn't great BIL super enthusiastically, happily and lovingly on her return from work, he will then sulk for the rest of the night because clearly she doesn''t love him/is pissed off/whatever. So returning home has become this terrifying minefield where as far as I can tell she has to psych herself up to make sure that she comes in and acts "appropriately" to prevent the rest of the evening being a disaster. Exhausting.

OP, I don't know what the solution is but when things are calmer, is there anyway you can sit him down and talk about this? If he is genuinely insecure or struggling, this might help him to start dealing with it. But otherwise, you do have to consider if this is a relationship you can live with for the next 40 odd years. Especially as behaviour of this sort is likely to only get worse without intervention.

BreatheAndFocus · 22/10/2020 10:11

Yes, yes training you to walk on eggshells. You won’t recognise yourself soon. All this trying to rationalise it, trying to work out what happened is a sign he’s getting you trained. Don’t let him.

Get well away from him. Keep the peace for now, make your plans and leave. You’ll feel a hell of a lot better away from him.

OhioOhioOhio · 22/10/2020 10:12

The good few months and then the bad few months. Women's Aid explained this to me. They weigh you up and down. Pushing you as far as they can then knowing you have had enough and backing off for a bit.

Whatisthisfuckery · 22/10/2020 10:30

I think the thing I took from your response to my first post OP, is that your H doesn’t actually want you to apologise or justify yourself. If he did then your efforts to appease him would work. He just wants to have a go at you, and it won’t matter what you say or do, because what he wants is a verbal punching bag, not a conversation, not a reconciliation, and not for you to have a way out of it without feeling like utter shit.

You are right, you need to get yourself out. You should not have to live your life being somebody elses verbal punching bag. You are a wife, and a human being, not just a convenient sponge for your H to unload all his anger and animosity whe he feels like it. He does not treat you like a person worthy of respect, so you need to get away from him before you too start to believe that you aren’t a person worthy of respect, because once you start believing that yourself, it’s incredibly difficult to even leave, let alone to get yourself back to a place where you expect to be treated well.

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