To feel a bit sad that my coworker finds me annoying

[peasantfolk]

I have recently started a new job, along with someone else that started on the same day as me. We're both doing the same job.

My coworker is very driven, organised and straight to the point (in a good way).

I come across as a bit dithery and blundering. So I can totally understand why I annoy her and see her point of view.

I know not everyone has to like me and that's fine. But still, it makes me a little bit sad. I think it's because I feel guilty that I'm an annoyance to her.

AIBU?

@OrigamiOwl

Is she ending up having to do more work, is that why she's not warming to you?

I work with someone who is lovely... But also dithery and bundering. People always come to me when they want/need something, rather then going to him as they know I'll get it done. So it feels like I do my own job and half of his too.

I try not to let any irritation show, but sometimes I do have to find myself biting my lip.

I've had this too and wondered the same. I did find colleague very annoying.

To be honest I prefer someone with a healthy dither when they are unsure than someone who thinks they know it all.

Time will tell if she is really as great as she thinks.

I mean...it's quite annoying to start a thread with half stories and guess work

Maybe the OP is dithering about replying

My co-worker and I are like chalk and cheese, but we are friends and accept each other's differences. She uses 10 words when one word will do, and her emails are very long, but she is lovely, and is good at her job. She just has a different approach.

No one wants to read a long winded email from a colleague. They need to learn to be succinct.

You're probably not anywhere near as 'dithering' as you think, it's a harsh self-criticism. 'Driven' people never seem to tire of telling us mere mortals how driven they are, how busy-busy-busy, focussed, amazing, ambitious, blah blah blah...

Not being like that does not make you any less professional or successful - try not to compare yourself to your colleague and stop assuming her (perceived) qualities are better than yours. Don't be undermined, you were both hired from a pool of other candidates.

Yes you are being totally unreasonable. How dare you assume you are annoying and dithering. Perhaps and probably almost definitely her approach of being straight to the point is rudeness and lack of tact, and her being driven suggests that she wants others to rate her against you. She is driven, yep driven to make herself look good but only at the expense of making you look or feel worse than her.

Please, please don't let this person demoralise you any further. Hold your head up, do the best you can, hopefully it will get easier.

I constantly feel like I irritate people which sucks as a feeling.

I have adhd And despite medication i am naturally very Chatty and can come across as ditsy.
It is hard to deal with feeling like people think of you as an irritation.
I know I have my close friends who accept me for who I am and that's what I try to focus on.
I do try and play my personality down in work a lot which is a shame x

If you're disorganised, there are things you can do about that.

If you're still learning things, that's not unreasonable- you're new. Sometimes, things need explaining more than once. If they need explaining several times, that is annoying- you should be taking notes or something you can refer back to.

If it's just them being miserable - well, you can't always have colleagues who are lovely, but it should be possible to work with them. We all annoy some people, but if everyone behaves professionally, it is fine.

So, if it's something you can change, work on that. If it's a personality clash, rise above it and ignore.

Are you sure that she does find you annoying or dithery? She might just be the kind of person who is so blunt and direct about being 'efficient' that she gives that impression.

I could have written your post about someone a few years ago, and eventually discovered that she'd in fact been commenting very favourably about me to others.

If she's indeed been bitching about you, to you or worse to others, that is in fact unprofessional of her. To criticize a specific action and suggest improvements is one thing; to go around complaining 'so and so is so dithery!' is another.

Has she told you that then OP? That’s very unprofessional if so, part of work means maintaining civil and friendly relationships with your colleagues even if they do annoy you a bit - telling you that isn’t very fair.

Be less dithery and blundering then? It is pretty annoying to work with disorganized people

This. I have a colleague who is dithery and bludering. While she dithers, the rest of us have to cover her slack, and when she blunders, we have to clear up her mess. Of course we find her annoying, she is annoying .

@OhCaptain

I mean...it's quite annoying to start a thread with half stories and guess work

This comes across as pretty sarcastic and mean - not sure if that was intended.

Anyway, she hasn't directly told me she finds me annoying but I can just sense it from her non-verbal communication/body language/little things she says. She's not being mean about it or anything, it's just something I can sense. I don't have any gripes with her as a person and I fully see where she's coming from.

When I said I come across as a bit dithering, I am actually good at my job. It's not a case of me making big blunders and that affecting other people. I just have some problems with speech which make me sound a bit dithering and hesitant when I talk. But anyway, that's irrelevant. I just want to know if my feelings of sadness/guilt are valid or not.

Hmmm, I am more like your colleague, my colleague is very much like you. It takes allsorts, he is a very nice people and a perfectionist, but comes across as dithering and worrying about details that when shove comes to push our bosses would prefer he ignored. No I do not want to wait an extra two hours for a document because there is a line in a table that doesnt look right. They want the document back quick, the final touches will be added later. He is very annoying but very kind hearted and everyone I think breathes in deeply and exercises patience...we like him.

@peasantfolk I am very much a writer, not a speaker. When I try to talk I struggle to find the right words and ahh and umm a lot. I know it doesn't sound great to others but I explain to people that I'm a poor verbal communicator and they know from the quality of my work that I'm good at my job and can see I can communicate perfectly well in writing.
I agree, try to build more confidence in yourself.
Could you go for coffee with co-worker, chat about how you have very different styles, talk about the things you admire in her, note how you realise you're very different characters and that you think that might irritate some people but that you're still learning the ropes and you'd really appreciate any tips or support she could offer you to help you settle in? She'll be flattered and only an arsehole would say no. If you work a bit more closely together from time to time she will get to know you as a person and will be more likely to overlook any occasions where you might flap a bit.

I suspect your insecurities are making you read more into her "body language" etc than is there.

For instance, you just said this to a PP:

This comes across as pretty sarcastic and mean - not sure if that was intended.

I certainly didn't pick either of those things up from the PP's post.

I love the advice to "just stop being dithery then" 😂 - am going to suggest that those posters may perhaps not be professional career advisors!

This comes across as pretty sarcastic and mean - not sure if that was intended.

It's hard to tell from words on a screen, but THAT comes across as pretty passive aggressive. Are you overdoing the 'oops, silly old me!' routine a bit at work, and it's annoying her?

So you've basically just created a drama in your head, to the extent of posting a 'poor me...I'm so hard done by, I feel so bad..(but come tell me I'm great really)' thread - on the back of your colleague having done nothing at all.

Yes, you are irritating.

OP you sound lovely.

You can't control how she perceives you so don't let it bother you, just try and be the best you you can be.

If you know in your heart of hearts that you're doing your job properly, and you're just being friendly and kind without stopping others from doing their jobs then how others react is really not your problem. It's theirs.

''I just want to know if my feelings of sadness/guilt are valid or not.''

How can we know though? Seriously.

You feel you are picking up a negative vibe from a colleague and assume it's because of your speech problem. But maybe it's not that at all which annoys her. Or maybe she isn't annoyed but is aware that them you have specific feelings regarding her and don't understand them exactly?

Perhaps you should make a point of getting to know her a bit better?

Your feelings are normal, not sure if they are valid though. I'm exactly the same, I always feel guilty in this situation even though it's not my fault, it's just that we just don't get on. Definitely don't do what I do and try to act differently and overly friendly to try to get back on their good side. I cringe while doing this but I just can't stop myself.