He said my "anger" was the problem ..aibu ?

[twinkletwin]

My mum passed away when I was 10 and my gran brought me up.
Before my mum died us 3 were so close.
Anyway then it was just me and gran,she was my best friend,I moved in with her when she developed Alzheimer's and was her full time carer.
I was seeing a man for around a year.
She broke both hips and ended up in hospital.
She had to go in a care home,she stopped recognising me and was wasting away.
I became depressed and I needed support.
My boyfriend didn't get it,he said it was "just my gran,she's old"
He would most days read my texts and ignore me then post on Facebook about meaningless crap.
I would snap and say "you can't even reply to a message"
"Why you being like this ?"
He would throw women in my face "she wouldn't behave like this and she's attractive,she text me last night etc "
My gran was dying and 7 weeks it took her to pass.
I was a total mess.
I needed support
He broke up with me saying he was sick of my "mood swings"
I didn't have "mood swings" I just wanted him not to ignore me when I needed him.
I explained everything I wrote here,how much I loved her,how I struggled to deal with knowing she was going to die and couldn't change it.
Watching her die,holding her hand whilst she was taking her last breaths.
I said "I'm sorry I'm a mess but I had to do it all alone,I had nobody to turn too"
He said .."not my problem,not putting up with you going moody on me for nothing,everyone has stress"
Aibu to think I'm not a bad person? I was just having a bad time ?

So sorry about your Gran

Your "man" sounds like a immature, selfish dickhead. Please don't put up with that shit.

It's not you, it's him. He had no empathy for you at all. He was only interested in what you could give him. You were genuinely upset because someone you loved was dying, but that was simply annoying to him as it meant you weren't focused on making him feel good.

He did you a favour by breaking it off tbh, you dodged a bullet there.

Please, please don't feel bad. Chalk it up to experience, thank your lucky stars you found out what a dick he was now, and not 5 years down the line or after you'd had a child with him, and move on.

Your gran was lucky to have a granddaughter who loved her so. I'm sorry for your loss

I assume you aren't with him any more?

It's him, not you. He sounds horrible. I hope he's out of your life now.

Your reactions and emotions were all related to the grief you were, and still are, experiencing. He is lacking basic empathy and compassion. You sound like a lovely person, him not so much. You can do so much better.

He is a vile human being, I really can't stress this enough!

I'm not sure why you are giving him headspave though? It sounds like you are not together anymore which is the very best thing for you!
You do not want to have anything to do with a person like that.

I'm sure your mother and gran would be very upset to think you might be with a man that treats you that way.

With all the men in the world why would you settle for a shitty one?

Firstly, you are a good person with completely normal responses to the death of someone who was like a mother to you. You and your Gran had a very very close bond, bound by love and loss and everything in between.

Your partner is unable to comprehend this because he has the emotional depth of a slug. He is utterly useless to you now and, I would suggest, has never been of any use to you in an emotional sense, in your relationship to date. You may imagine you need him now. You do not. He is dead wood. Cast him off.

Seek help from a friend, your GP, a bereavement network, here.

My DH and I had problems early this year. I had been alone with my mother when she died. Family had been at her hospital bedside all day but had gone home briefly to change/eat and come back. I said I’d stay and see them later. I held her hand and talked to her, as I watched her go. Her last breath was taken as I told her it was ok, she could rest and sleep and we all loved her. It was awful and peaceful and shocking. It left me in a place I couldn’t explain and after several months I was still at a very very low ebb. DH, having never felt the loss of a close loved one, didn’t get it. We nearly ended our relationship but, he is a good man and has always, in the past, been there for me and supportive. A year on, I still feel the loss and shock of being with her as she left this world but, DH now understands and if he doesn’t fully get it, he allows me my grief.

You need love and care now. He cannot give this to you.

His reaction was horrible. You are better off without him.

So sorry about your gran xxx

Your BF is a dick

He's scum. I'm sorry for your loss, I hope your heart heals and that you find a partner deserving of you

I am so sorry about your gran, I wish I had the chance to have known my grandparents better.

Your boyfriend is not a nice person, and he's not prioritising you. In fact he's making you feel like you're the problem. You are not the problem, you just need someone understanding and caring while you grieve for your gran.

I’m so sorry about your loss. You lost your mother at a vulnerable age (the death of a parent is always hard but I can’t image for a 10 year old). Celebrate your wonderful gran and all that she did for you. She sounds like she gave you a good life after your mum died and you looked after her in her last few years.

This guy is a completely vile human so you’re well rid. You’re allowed to “snap” when someone is repeatedly ignoring your requests for some basic support, especially if he’s rubbing your nose in the fact that he’s messaging other “attractive” women.

Take care of yourself

I'm so sorry op. I'm not surprised you're going through a bad time, your grandma was your mother figure . Losing her is like losing your mother, no wonder you're struggling with her loss. Your ex sounds horrible. You deserve so much better than that.

What a horrible man! Why would you even care what such a nasty person thinks? You deserve better than someone completely selfish like him.

There's a lot of missing information in the first post, notably:

(a) The topic title refers to "anger" but then the post doesn't really say anything at all about what form this alleged anger took - e.g. was she shouting at/being abusive towards the man in question - maybe she was, maybe she wasn't, how can we tell based on this information?; and

(b) OP says that she was "seeing" [by the sounds of things definitey not living with] a man for "around a year" - a lot turns on how serious this all was, family illness/bereavement does put a lot of pressure on a new and/or casual relationship because it's not at all clear how far the partner's support ought to go if things hadn't really been serious up to that point...

You have been through alot. He is in the wrong 100%. Its better to be single than in a toxic relationship and yours sounds toxic. Hope you move on with your life and find peace.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved nan. She sounds like she was an amazing person. Your ex does not. When you needed him most he wasn't there. Please don't let him back in if he starts sniffing around in a few weeks when he assumes you're 'over it'.

Whether this was a serious relationship or not (as per previous posters' comments) he did not treat you with even a basic kindness and empathy that, you'd hope, you'd feel for a friend, acquaintance or neighbour who had lost a dear loved one in difficult circumstances.

You didn't do anything wrong. And you deserve better.

I would be angry with him. I've come across this attitude before, always from people who have never been in that position and cannot imagine it. When it happens to them or one of their loved ones, it's different.

In your place I would ditch him and give myself time to heal before considering another relationship (I do know it isn't that easy). He doesn't sound kind in any way so why saddle yourself with such a bloke when there are nicer ones.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Well would you EVER behave like he has? EVER say or think the things he has?

He’s not a nice man. You deserve someone nicer.

OP he is an emotionally immature prick, you are not a bad person.

Whilst you are emotionally connected, self aware and acknowledge the feelings you are having, he is a grown mad who can’t and this is unlikely to change given what you’ve told us about him.

You were only 10 when you lost your Mum and losing your Gran will have thrown up lots of (perhaps unprocessed) feelings of grief. You will be dealing with grief differently as an adult as you did as a child. Be kind to yourself and spend no more time questioning what that useless prick said.

What a complete bastard

Don't give it anymore head space, he doesn't sound like a very good catch. I'm sorry about your grandmother

Stop worrying about him and what he's saying or thinking.

Stop giving this vile human any more head space.

Stop all forms of communication with him.

Concentrate on grieving for your gran. He is never going to be the person you want him to be. You deserve so much more than how he's treated you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I am so very sorry to hear of your lovely nans passing op.

He doesn't deserve a mention.

Of course YANBU and you are certainly not a bad person.

I do hope he's now an ex?