To ask you dd move from an OK /gd school, to an excellent school in lovely location etc. Age 13 and how wld you persuade?

[TheHouseonHauntedHill]

Wwyd? Have you moved a child, or been a moves child?. I'm not sure how to do go about it.. Dd isn't thriving at school, she's not made great progress finding new friends, and still has her primary cohort who she's not clicking with either. The did no bonding actives at all in year 7.

Over all her current school is OK. She will do well there. But she will do well anywhere. Her life at the moment is very narrow in that it's a small town, walk through bland suberban town.. All girls too.

Or I have an opportunity to get her into a an exceptional school in a a beautiful village, she would have to get public transport but its direct and easy and loads of dc use it. The year she is going in would have special settling in so opportunity to make friend.

Wonderful place to socialise and meet friends when she's slightly older.
It would open up her world I know it would.. Academically it's faultless and leagues above others in the area, over lock down they were teaching on line after the 2 days! Her current school gave out work via pp, poor communication from teachers.

There is an amazing creative side to the school as well, which currently her school now lacks.

It's also in a beautiful old building and site, oozing history..
I have an idea she wouldn't want to move but I remember not wanting to move schools at age 10. I cried etc and I know it was amazing move for me which worked within the 1st week.

What would you do? Settle for mediocrity in over all schools and friends or take leap.
If you think it's the right move how would you persuade your dd?

I think at that age she has to think it’s the right move more than you do because she’s the one who’s will have to put the effort in to make it work. So if she isn’t sold on the great opportunity and the special settling in it’s not as likely to be a good opportunity for her no matter how much you like it. Generally speaking, moving children into schools when it isn’t a natural break in the schooling tends to damage them academically. That’s, obviously, a generalization, t doesn’t mean every child would be damaged by a move, but it does point to how hard such moves are on children and that shouldn’t be underestimated.

I think a big thing when you are that age are friends. So if she is really struggling in that department, I would sell it as a fresh start. I wouldn’t be “you’ll make new friends” rather than you can reset, start fresh, get away from the people you are struggling with by stay in touch with any that you want to.

I would big up the any side to schooling that is her jam. If she likes the creative stuff, big it’s up, any clubs she might like, big it up etc.

Independence of getting there can be a pro and shows that you trust her (doesn’t hurt for her to hear it either).

Ultimately it’s her decision.

I think at her age it can be hard to see the big picture between your class work and where that might lead you in the future if that makes sense.

I think you have to think why is most important to her now and discuss that element with her and weigh up the two schools.

I’d ask her what she thought.

I'd be really sure before moving her. Loads of people think "village"school accessible from here by bus is good. It's not.

What does your daughter want, if she is happy in her current setting, it's close by and she has friendships, I would be loathed to move my child.

It's a huge gamble to change schools, expect her to make solid friendships and travel using public transport in the current climate.

I live in a small town. There are 3 primary schools and pretty much everyone goes to the local secondary school.

I decided it wasn't right for my daughter because it really isn't.

Despite her protests (she wanted to go to the same school as all her friends) I got her into a school about 8 miles away, small class sizes, beautiful location and all girls)

She is thriving. I take her in the mornings and she gets the coach home which has given her a good sense of independence. She still sees her other friends from her old primary school and she has made new friends in her new school.

The key thing is, you make the decision that is right for your child. Only you can do that.

I do know for her it would be like moving to living in technicolor. Where we are is truly crap. Dc have said in random interviews a few years ago they are scared to go into our town center due to thuggery. I know when I was younger I didn't live in this town and as a young teen I wouldn't go into it..

She will be able to socialise with people from all over our area but the safer prettier places.. More opportunities to make a wider circle of friends.

She doesn't know the difference, as I didn't when I was moved at 10. She also wouldn't say she's struggling with friends but again I can see she is. I can't say much as outing but we had two over recently and I was taken aback at how strained things were.

The place she is is more like an impersonal sausage factory I've not even seen any actual writing about her yet from any teacher and she's year 8!I've just had numbers and codes on cards
The other place is far more personal and it's in one of the most beautiful places in the UK.
It's also Co Ed, I must admit the Co Ed or single sex side didn't concern me too much. But again as she's moving into being a teen I can't think of another way to introduce boys and again.... I'm not sure I'd go for the boys around here!
I never actually had a proper choice where I live now, a series of tragic events led me here and I do feel bad that unlike myself I couldn't raise dc in a nicer place to live (our location could be a lot worse.. It has pluses but could also be far nicer) and I couldn't send her to private school. I had experience of few types of education, and private.

Her roots would be in the nicer town not here and it would be like a private school education.
The public transport is excellent I've used it my whole life. It would be very easy for her... I just don't know how to sell it.

She's at an age where whilst we have wonderful chats she also argues against anything I say!

It would open up her world I know it would..
No you really don't. It's your fantasy.

My DD best friend got into the very sought after school mid year. Pure luck, she put her on the waiting list and somehow, that year was slow intake and she got in.

Her mum was so happy, going in about how it would change her. She was doing fine in her current school and didn't want to move.

In the end, she did and she hated it. She found the kids competitive, arrogant and looking down on her. She never managed to mix. She tried to get back to the old school but by then they were oversubscribed.

She did her GCSEs there and got lower grades than predicted after year 6 and lower compared to her peers from the previous school with similar academic abilities. She couldn't wait to get out.

So I'd be careful assuming a fantastic school in paper is going to be one your DD will thrive in.

Jeaux thanks for the alternative view.
Her current setting is just good enough and there is a strange, just good enough attitude where I am!.. Her friends is 1⃣ reason we didn't persue other schools. I was quite upset when having these round I thought wow! This is what we didn't look at others for?. For this?.

Don't, there is always that fear that it won't work anywhere this is why I'm inviting comments.
It's not a fantasy though, it's been done to me twice and it was the right thing.

Are you talking about a grammar that does 13+?

We moved house when I was that age so also moved school, though I was involved in choosing between 2 available options. Both would have involved public transport, that was no issue. I was glad to have the chance to move though as was having problems with low level bullying (at all girls school).

You need to talk to her and listen to what she says. Ultimately it is her who will be taking the risk. It sounds as if you did similar and it was great for you, but in every fabulous school there are pupils who don't "fit". You can't be certain your DD won't be one of those.

Among my friends A followed his big brother to the "sort after school" and hated it, eventually at 13 his parents moved him to the pretty good but not a shiney comp.
B was at prep, went to the recommended follow on school for him, and was miserable (I also know lots of young people who had a great time there). At 14 his parents moved him to another school, with a longer journey, and at 16 he transferred to the local Comp.

Listen to your DD, discuss the opportunities, but do also listen to her worries and concerns, and don't be overwhelmed by the gloss.

Does this amazing school even have places?

So just to add to my earlier comment OP there is always a risk they won't like it. It's whether you think it's a high risk or a reasonable one.

One way to mitigate the risk is to do a taster day. (don't know if the one you are looking at does this but you could ask)

Mine did the taster day and it got her on board and made her feel like she had an input

Of course this could backfire but either way you both need to look round the school together first I would say. Your DD needs the opportunity to think about herself there.

Unfortunately there are no taster days and I'm aware that even dc who are bullied in their schools never want to leave, the fear of the unknown!

@jeaux90

did you dd have any doubts - how did you allay her fears and also how long before she settled in please.

This sounds like a school that would be perfect for you OP, but not her tbh.

You do seem to have a very fixed idea in your head about what your children's life should be like and I do wonder if you get these very fixed ideas on a frequent basis - you didn't look round any schools apart from one? - and while we might have an ideal of what life should be like, we have to deal with reality in there too!

You don't sound happy where you are at the moment OP, but that's not down to your DD's school.

To answer your question I took her round for a visit then we did the taster day. Her main concern was most of her friends going to the local secondary and the whole fear of missing out. In reality she has made new friends and kept her old ones but she's always done extra curricular stuff which means mixing with kids from other schools.

I reinforced to her that she was lucky, that this school was more suitable for her (which it is) that she would have more friends and that it was the right place for her (it has tennis courts and she's been playing since she was 4) the local one doesn't have great sports facilities, it has large class sizes and its mixed sex which I'm not keen on (given the statistics on sexual assaults by boys in our secondary schools) and that statistically girls do better in all girls schools.

Have a really good think about what it is about the other school that makes it best for her that you can clearly articulate to her.

I will add though I did get resistance and at the end of the day I made the decision, I'm the parent and as much as she has a voice at 12 I am the adult.

@Jeaux90

That's so helpful thank you!

Yes the risks are definitely worth it, she hasn't found her tribe at all where she is.

I feel very nervous about it because we have never crossed swords before.
Children of this age unless they are clearly thriving with a good circle of friends lots of meet ups and really enjoying some other aspect eg like you mentioned tennis.. Really don't have the skills perspective....

Of how things could be different and better as I mentioned even dc who get bullied and hurt don't want to leave what they know.

Thanks again for the tips!!

I moved countries last year with DS, so he dealt with a new country, new school (partly in new language), new friends etc, having only ever lived in the same small English village with the same friends, preschool, school. But that was a family move for significant reasons, and not up for debate.

I do think that some of what you say about the desirable aspects of this new school sound like classic aspirational social class stuff, about buildings oozing with history and potential friends from ‘safer and prettier’ areas. That’s about your feelings, not hers. She’s old enough to have a significant say.

My surroundings have a big impact on how I feel. I certainly feel happier and more comfortable in prettier places.
My dd is very much like me in that respect, she notices attractive places and beautiful things... Scenery etc.

For many people including dh it's not an issue. He could work in the most brutal 70s building 🏢 or a cosy hobbit style cottage and he wouldn't notice.

She hasn't started to go out in our local town yet and the regular violence and attacks are not good, she doesn't know about it yet so she has no idea. There is also nothing for her to do in our town, coffee shops boarded up, we have a slew of charity shops and a macdonalds which is sadly the center of much of the teen issues.

So at the moment, yes of course she will have a say, but she cannot balance the two social areas yet.

I actually feel safer in Central London than our town and I'd happily walk across cental London at night. I'd never ever walk through our town at night.

Her roots would be in the nicer town not here

I'm not sure that'll be true. I went to a school with a much wider than normal geographic intake and people still felt they were 'from' where they lived, not the town where our school was. Especially if it's a bit of a journey away she's still likely to socialise with her old friends - you may feel those aren't good friendships but you also say she wouldn't agree - or with other children from your town who go to her school (if there aren't any then I would really question why no one else thinks this is a good idea). You're going to be disappointed if you think this is going to be like she lives in whatever nice place this school is in; it may or may not be the right school but it won't do that.

It's taken until Yr9 (this year) for my DD to find her friends. Last year see talked about moving her and she was very wise, she felt that the problems she was having would be the same at any school.
I have 2 older SC too and interestingly, they both said the same. The knew people in yr 7 & 8, but only really made friends in yr9.

• she wouldn't agree re friendships because I wouldn't raise it, it may hurt her feelings, how it went from so called friends.