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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH on Snapchat

40 replies

N0tthe0nlyfruit · 21/10/2020 23:37

DH went up to bed ahead of me. Left Snapchat on and he had multiple chats going with women. Gifs included 'nice ass' and (ugh) 'creamy finger'. I don't use Snapchat so clueless here. I'm sitting here, wondering if my marriage is over. He woke up and I said 'you shouldn't have left your Snapchat open' - it was flashing on screen. He said 'huh?' and went asleep again. Oh Christ...one part of me hopes someone can tell me I'm getting this all wrong

OP posts:

QuentinWinters · 23/10/2020 09:28

Come on op. You know what you saw. Don't let him weasel his way into making you doubt yourself.
The only way for him to fix the mess he made would be for him to hold his hands up and be open/apologise for it.
He's not. He's minimising, making you question yourself and trying to make himself seem the victim.
I left my exH when my eldest was the same age, it was hard on him but 3 years down the line all my DC are doing OK with it. My eldesr does tho share many traits with exH (lying, diverting attention to me etc) that he obviously picked up from watching his dad. You can't normalise the dynamic you have for your son or he will repeat it in his own relationships.

Shoxfordian · 23/10/2020 09:36

He's cheating on you and it's not acceptable
You don't have to put up with this shit

Willowblue40 · 23/10/2020 13:03

@N0tthe0nlyfruit he’s having you on! He’s definitely talking to other women.... and gaslighting you.... look up narcissistic abuse....

jackieloveswine · 23/10/2020 13:37

I do think you need to find out some distinctions
Was he sexually talking to other women who happened to engage in sexual conversation, or was he talking to women purely for sexual convo. The latter is the world of snapchat porn, he could be responding to messages, it's obvious as they usually have the no under 18s sign in their name.

The fact that there's loads of women makes it seem more like an interactive porn. It's obviously wrong but I don't think this is cheating. We all have different lines though, he needs to come clean.

Dontbeme · 23/10/2020 13:49

He's minimising, making you question yourself and trying to make himself seem the victim

I agree with this and it is exactly the reason you should not have marriage counseling with him, he will use the counseling as another avenue to place the blame on you. I had this in my last relationship, he was on all sorts of websites and blamed me, blamed me in counseling too, all was my fault, he had spun a web to people that I was awful to live with too. Turns out he had been using escorts for years and a years long affair with a coworker. We never argued either and that was purely because he was so disengaged from our life together that if I was replaced by an alien from Mars he would not have noticed, looking back I never argued with him as I was walking on eggshells without even noticing.

Get individual counseling for you from a counselor with experience in abusive relationships, get legal advice and financial advice and then decide what is best for you.

Mytimetokillandmaim · 23/10/2020 14:38

he’s having you on! He’s definitely talking to other women.... and gaslighting you

Oh absolutely. Without a doubt.

He's doing that thing where he thinks if he admits to something..or one part of it.. then it's fine to lie about the rest. 'Oh I was looking at porn that's a pop up ad..'

I've had Ex's do/say the same things in the past. Its pathetic,they end up making new lies to cover the old ones...and for fucking what ?

He can't be honest with you and he doesn't respect you.
I'm so very sorry this is happening to you but please do listen to the wise posters above me.
Get rid of him ..or at the very least try one last time to get him to engage in a serious,honest conversation.
Your son does not deserve to spend the rest of his childhood watching his mother be disrespected in a miserable relationship. What kind of example would that be for him ?
You both deserve better op.

Mytimetokillandmaim · 23/10/2020 14:47

He's absolutely insisting it was some kind of pop up from Pornhub. But I was able to open different chats and see the messages
He came home with 3 counsellors' contact details and admitted we were in trouble

Ugh..its so blatantly obvious what he's doing here. ''Shit,she's on to me,I'll go back to her with that counselling she wanted that'll shut her up and keep the heat off me''

Jesus he really thinks that little of you op, does he think you're stupid?! I would have to try very hard not to knock the head off someone who tried to do that to me,don't fall for his bullshit op..

Original poster

N0tthe0nlyfruit · 23/10/2020 15:02

I feel physically sick thinking about it. Don't give a monkey's about him using porn, that doesn't bother me, but chatting directly crossed a line. And I just think he's emotionally checked out years ago but wants to hang onto me, but not make any effort. I spelled it out to him clearly over and over, but he didn't change. Meanwhile I've become critical and nitpicking, a stereotype that is so cliched. If he just admitted things if would be better than this victim-status and denial.

Nobody separates in our family/friend circles. I gave him the run around in our teens/early 20s, but once we finally got back together I was 100% committed to him. All his acquaintances thought I was bad news but I was more mature by the time we reconciled. If we split it would be back to everyone going "aww poor DH" but they don't see how cold and lazy he is in our marriage. He won't change anything for me, but magically expects our marriage to work. I'm not sure I can compromise much longer.

OP posts:

Mytimetokillandmaim · 23/10/2020 18:20

So regardless of what happens are you planning to stay in the marriage and just live like this forever...to save face?

Mytimetokillandmaim · 23/10/2020 18:24

If we split it would be back to everyone going "aww poor DH" but they don't see how cold and lazy he is in our marriage. He won't change anything for me

I cant get my head round this...so you'd rather live this miserable life with nobody else knowing what's going on...than leave and make a new life for yourself ....because his friends and colleagues will talk about you ?

Original poster

N0tthe0nlyfruit · 23/10/2020 22:13

@Mytimetokillandmaim I'm not sure HOW to separate. This latest development has knocked me sideways. Financially I can't see how we could manage 2 separate households. Truth be told, I feel horribly trapped.

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Mytimetokillandmaim · 23/10/2020 22:23

I really feel for you. It's an awful situation to be in. Perhaps try to have a real talk over the weekend...give him a chance to come clean..totally.
Tell him if you're going to go ahead with the counselling then you need honesty from him. Tell him you won't be angry with him etc basically say anything you can to get him to tell you the truth.

Tell him what you told us ,about how you don't think your son could cope with a separation,lay it all out in front of him and give him the chance.....it may not work at all but if he realises you're serious and does actually love you he might just take it seriously and honestly try to work it out .

But you must come up with an ultimatum,more for yourself than him. If he knows you'll always take this with no fear of you leaving him,he will continue to do it.

Mytimetokillandmaim · 23/10/2020 22:25

Nobody wants their family to break up op but equally nobody wants to live in a toxic environment. Be kind to yourself and really have a think about what you're willing to accept.

user1471565182 · 23/10/2020 22:38

I never saw my parents say a single nice word to each other- its messed me up far more them finally getting divorced when i was 18 than it would have done earlier. No idea how to appropriately show affection to partners and stuff. Please keep that in mind for your son.

Original poster

N0tthe0nlyfruit · 26/10/2020 16:20

@Mytimetokillandmaim thanks we had 2 major chats. He is depressed. I realised I can't attend counselling with him until he sorts his depression out first. Then l will decide where we are at. In the meantime I still feel shaken and numb.

@user1471565182 absolutely. My childhood was hellish so I've done therapy since I was 19. I would never prioritise a bad marriage over a child like my parents did.

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