To ask for help in wrapping up difficult work conversations?

[DundeeDiva]

Just what the title says really - looking for tips as a manager how to wrap up difficult conversations with an employee that are going round in circles? I'm thinking specifically when you've had to give them feedback or news they don't like!

I use the classic shit sandwich approach.

Something positive, possibly a bit general
The bad news or criticism bit
Something good and possibly more personal, or building on the bad bit.

I'm always (too?) direct.

Something like "I hope you've found this conversation helpful, let's end it by confirming that you will do X. Thanks so much".

I'm the old days I'd then stand up, smile, and open the office door. That bit's harder now I know.

Can you give a bit more detail?

I, too, favour the shit sandwich though.

Focus on a next step, when it’s going to be and be positive about what it will look like. Then stand up and say, thank you so much for the chat, I won’t keep you any longer!

Thanks for the advice.

I suppose I'm thinking specifically bad news - say you're telling someone you're moving them into a different post that they don't want to do. And they just keep complaining even though you've made your reasons clear.

That's interesting, I hate the shit sandwich.

My feeling is that most people know when it's being delivered so they feel patronised, but those who really need to hear a difficult message are often the same over confident ones who will go away from said sandwich feeling that on balance they're doing fine.

I may be over cynical.

If it's something you're going to have to come back to or reach consensus on (I don't know - a changing job role, redundancy, changing hours, or resolving a conflict between colleagues), I'd set a clear expectation of time limit and then give space to think about it to remove some of the immediate heightened emotion - people tend to get defensive or upset, so it's sometimes better to let them think it over:

"I'm going to leave this conversation here, as there's plenty for you to think about/you'll want to decide how to go forward/you need to make a decision, and you can email me/we can have a meeting when you've decided how to proceed." (Delete as appropriate - then follow up, with either a meeting or a call or an email, whatever suits, but you can be more factual because it's less in the moment - "Hi X, I wanted to see what decision you'd made about our discussion on X date/I wanted to know your thoughts on how we can move forard with X, could you let me know by tomorrow, email or call if you'd like to discuss more".

If it's more one-way, i.e. a negative performance chat or similar, I'd go for a similar tack:

"I appreciate you listening to my feedback/taking what I've said on board, and I don't want to drag the conversation on as I think we understand one another. If you would like to talk more about it, please let me/HR/your line manager know and we'd be happy to talk - otherwise [insert next steps here: is it a write up? Will there be a period of monitoring? Will you be drawing a line under it and no more will be said?]"

I recognise that you're unhappy with the decision but I don't think negative assumptions are useful at this stage.

If you think it's appropriate, offer to catch up after the changes have been in effect for a month to see what's worked well/what needs improvement.

Similar to @yelyah22 I’d say something like ‘I want to give you some time to think about it/let you do some research/help you come up with a plan so let’s wrap it up and we can catch up again on X date.

You need to do it at the start. ‘I‘ve got more time on another day to discuss this if we need it, but want to let you know that I have got 20minutes at 10am and because it is important I thought we should discuss as soon as possible - are you available at 10am?’

I am going to leave it there for now because I have another Zoom call in five minutes, but may I call you on Thursday afternoon once you've had a chance to think this over and I look forward to hearing your views then, thanks, bye.

I don't like the shot sandwich either.

In your situation I would be really clear about what their choices are.
I.e.
I thought we'd been really clear about why you are moving into this role. What do you understand the reasons to be....
Hopefully they will then answer with what you've told them or you can clarify.

Then follow this up with...

It seems to me that these situations are about what we make of them. What do you need to do to make this work for you?

Not knowing the specifics makes it hard. You could turn it into a coaching conversation to get them to think about the change and how they could make it work.

Moaning is usually about pushing responsibility onto someone else so the more you can help them understand that they are making choices the better. Moaning is a choice, it makes us feel temporarily feel better by making someone else feel worse but in long run doesn't really help.

Clarity. Honesty. Clear expectations. Acknowledging their feelings.

I understand you aren’t keen about moving to team C. I can see you are worried about losing friends from team B. We can ensure you stay in touch but it’s a done deal with no room for negotiation. You will be moving to team C from Monday 28th, as discussed. Your manager will be Francesca who is keen to have you and delighted you are so good at xxxxx. Let’s try to think positively and look at the opportunities it may offer you for development and possibly promotion.

If the person going on and on is just complaining and not offering any solutions I’m afraid I’d give them one chance at leaving it there then I’d put my big girl pants on and pull rank
“You’re obviously disappointed and I do understand that but if you could take a couple of days to think about it and see if we can at least reach a consensus I’d be grateful. Let’s revisit on Thursday.”

And then if they really won’t stop, “Well this is never an easy conversation to have and whilst I understand your concerns and hear that you’re not keen on this outcome I’m afraid that currently this is what meets the needs of the business. Unless the position changes I won’t be discussing this further and I do expect x, y, z to happen. I realise that isn’t what you want to hear but I’ve done my best to explain the reasons behind the decision and I don’t think there’s any merit in continuing the conversation. Thanks for your time today, bye”. Smile. Be steely. End call/open the door.

@DundeeDiva

Thanks for the advice.

I suppose I'm thinking specifically bad news - say you're telling someone you're moving them into a different post that they don't want to do. And they just keep complaining even though you've made your reasons clear.

I'd close out offering them time to go and reflect and invite them to send you written queries and concerns, perhaps with a follow up meeting where you respond to these, detailing reasons and support you'll be able to offer ...

Put a timeline on it and make sure any schedules meetings have clear discussion points and a finish time.

if you're on zoom there's always "oops, sorry, my internet's gone a bit wobbly" - then pull the plug.

Childish and not very constructive, but I have used it a couple of times with someone VERY tedious,

I agree with start of @CherryPavlova:
Clarity. Honesty. Clear expectations. Acknowledging their feelings

But disagree with example given . I really don't agree with telling someone how to respond e.f. "look at this positively". Some people just need to wallow for a bit. But you don't have to witness that so you can say:

I can see that this is difficult news/a hard message to hear. I'm going to have to put a stop to the conversation now as neither of us are adding new information/there is not time to fully discuss this now

(Review what's been said on both sides e.g.) I have explained that you will be working in X team from x date. You have expressed your shock and discomfort about this. We have agreed that XXX.

But all of this depends on what you are saying being reasonable and evidence based and that the other person has been given a chance to respond/counter. You can expect someone to just "take" something that is patently a shit decision. If you are acting with integrity and honesty though, you should be able to draw a line.

*can't expect!

Can you access some formal training on leadership?

I don't know what sector you work in but research in occupational psychology suggests how bad news is received is a lot to do with the context, the culture and the presence or absence of relationships characterised by respect and compassion amongst other things.

Suck it up butter cup now get the fuck out of my office.

@MasksGlovesSoapScrubs: You're an NHS Manager aren't you?!

[quote Wingedharpy]@MasksGlovesSoapScrubs: You're an NHS Manager aren't you?![/quote]
I'm not an NHS manager....? Also it was just a light hearted joke.. hence the little grinny face.

I stop difficult conversations from circling by having a piece of paper between us where I record their objections/unhappinesses, so that I can ask if there is anything other than the listing issues they want to raise. If they then bring up something already recorded I will say "I think we've captured this here" and try to move on.

I don't do the shit sandwich as I think it comes across as disingenuous, but I do try and validate the feelings of the situation - "I'm sorry that their isn't the news you were hoping for." or "I'm sorry if this news is disappointing to hear."

If a conversation is going really badly I dont think there's anything wrong with saying, "it feels as though we are going round in circles a bit, I wonder if we should capture what we have and meet again when we have both had some time to think things over."

“I know you are disappointed and I’m sorry for that. I’m afraid this is what is going to happen. I’m sure this is a lot to take in so why don’t we end here and in the next couple of days we’ll talk about your transition”

Sometimes you do have to cut off the discussion before the person starts back with a comment. And you might have to repeat the part about ending the conversation and talking later.

To add.. I really wish the shit sandwich advice would die already. All it does is make the bearer of not great news feel better. It does nothing for the receiver of the news. And it’s just damn confusing for the recipient.