To ask for help in wrapping up difficult work conversations?

[DundeeDiva]

Just what the title says really - looking for tips as a manager how to wrap up difficult conversations with an employee that are going round in circles? I'm thinking specifically when you've had to give them feedback or news they don't like!

Deliver your news, listen to their points and acknowledge them, then suggest they take a 15-20 minute break to go and get a cuppa. We’ll catch up this afternoon, tomorrow and we can discuss the ins and outs.

@saltinesandcoffeecups

“I know you are disappointed and I’m sorry for that. I’m afraid this is what is going to happen. I’m sure this is a lot to take in so why don’t we end here and in the next couple of days we’ll talk about your transition”

Sometimes you do have to cut off the discussion before the person starts back with a comment. And you might have to repeat the part about ending the conversation and talking later.

But that solves nothing. You've just moved the conversation to a few days later.

Do you just keep repeating this at them for weeks, months?

@Elsewyre

No, it usually ends the circle and allows the person to process the bad information. You’ve heard of the 7 stages of of grief(or however many their are). A person will usually start in denial and then get stuck in negotiation immediately after hearing bad news. The goal is to end the conversation to allow them to get somewhere closer to acceptance.

The other thing is that with bad news there realistically won’t be any productive discussion. The person is likely in a form of shock that really makes everything else said not get processed. It’s kinder to let them process on their own for a bit before resuming conversation.

It doesn’t always work, but it works more than it does not, and is the advice given by professionals for dealing with things like firing employees or redundancy conversations.

Know when to stop talking.

I find too many people keep burbling on trying to make things better or find the perfect conclusion.

Say what needs to be said. Stop talking, smile and make exit signals. Standing up, opening the door etc.

This comes of course at the end of the conversation, when they’ve had their chance to react/discuss.

And then if they really won’t stop, “Well this is never an easy conversation to have and whilst I understand your concerns and hear that you’re not keen on this outcome I’m afraid that currently this is what meets the needs of the business. Unless the position changes I won’t be discussing this further and I do expect x, y, z to happen. I realise that isn’t what you want to hear but I’ve done my best to explain the reasons behind the decision and I don’t think there’s any merit in continuing the conversation. Thanks for your time today, bye”. Smile. Be steely. End call/open the door.

What a god awful way to speak to someone. Some of the responses here are terrible.

Think about how you would want someone to end a “bad news” conversation with you. I’m guessing the words “I don’t be discussing this again with you” aren’t what you’d want to hear?

I’d explain the change or whatever the thing is, give them space to talk it through (properly, actually listening and acknowledging their feelings) and if they were going round in circles offer them space to think about it, get a coffee etc and would arrange to talk about it again when they’ve had time to think about it and seek advice if they want to do that.

A bit of humanity and empathy costs nothing.

Check out Ask a Manager - she has some great advice about how to set very clear expectations and how to have hard conversations. She often includes scripts for different situations, and the site has been around for ages so if you search you'll probably find something relevant to the conversation you need to have.

The feedback sandwich is what you definitely shouldn’t do. It’s so obvious and the person on the receiving end is only going to focus on the negative anyway.

@DundeeDiva

Thanks for the advice.

I suppose I'm thinking specifically bad news - say you're telling someone you're moving them into a different post that they don't want to do. And they just keep complaining even though you've made your reasons clear.

If a conversation is going round in circles, then I would probably say so directly “we are going round in circles now”. I would then suggest they take time to think on it and talk again the next day.

That said, I think moving somebody into a different post without their agreement is not really on and would even go do far as to say it could be grounds for constructive dismissal depending on the details. I am not surprised somebody would continue to complain.

The shit sandwich approach is used by the shit managers. It’s lazy. Leave it in the 1980s. Be factual, non emotional and close with an opening for plan for improvement-at future meeting.

Shit sandwich was once a technique that was widely taught, but now considered to be in authentic, steer clear of this. The best way is to judge if someone is taking feedback personally and briefly share your own experience of when you got it wrong, that makes the mistake a lot easier for them to accept and makes you human for sharing your vulnerability. Of course then move into concrete action that will help them. It’s the ‘try harder’ feedback that’s most useless as the recipient has no idea or practical help on how to do things differently.

I tend to end it by focussing on the next step:

"So, from our discussion Tom, what we need to do now is to develop your skills in X. I am going to team you up with Sue because she has a real strength in that area and can give you some specific advice. Lets catch up on X date to see how things have gone". Usually works well.

I do have a team member who is very negative and will always find reasons why a solution won't work before she has even tried. With her, I have to be a bit more direct;
"Lucy, I know you aren't sure about this, however, this is what needs to happen. I will support you by doing x,y,z and we will catch up again next week to review things.

I attended a management course a couple of years ago and we were told that, rather than the 'shit sandwich', we should work on the ratio of five positive comments for every negative. I feel a bit tired of the whole "we can't say something negative without saying something positive' schtick. Sometimes it's difficult to come up with 5 positives! And as a pp said, there are certain people who will hear the positives and disregard the negative. Shouldn't we all just be able to receive constructive criticism without having it gift-wrapped?

I'm thankful to no longer be in a managerial position!

Id say: I understand that’s not the outcome you wanted, but unfortunately that decision has been made. That’s an end of today’s meeting now, thanks for attending.

In the situation you describe. I'd say something like
"I'm sorry it's not the outcome you'd like however it's the only option available. Thanks so much for your time"
Then stand up to signal the end of the meeting

I don’t think we need to gift wrap bad news, but some you seem to speak to adult colleagues like they’re naughty children.

@saltinesandcoffeecups

To add.. I really wish the shit sandwich advice would die already. All it does is make the bearer of not great news feel better. It does nothing for the receiver of the news. And it’s just damn confusing for the recipient.

I think it depends on the situation.

If it’s an easy one, say timekeeping, keeping your desk tidy, but you don’t want to go in too hard or alienate them for a minor infraction at first it’s useful.

A situation the OP described then no, that needs a firm and clear response with no nonsense.

rogue I hope you misunderstood your trainer. The positive to negative ratio is a generalisation based on research.
It's meant over a whole day range and positive feedback has to be specific and earned or its just a waste of time.
Personally, I wish organisation would be just be more prepared to have conversations about behaviour and performance as an everyday conversation.

Sorry not clear!

The 5 pieces positive to 1 negative isn't meant to be given at the same time! Its a rule of thumb over a range of time. Feedback is best when ots clear and given one piece at a time.

I've had this done to me. I was moved to another team because someone in the team i was currently working with made a complaint about me.

I'd only been with them for about 3 weeks, so the complaint was pre-mature, in the extreme.
The senior manager was unaware of this piece of the puzzle and actually agreed with me.

But, nope. My face didn't fit, apparently.
I had had 'previous' with one of the other members of staff and she had yip yapped to the PM and that was it.
My days with them were numbered.

I was pretty angry at first, but once the dust settled, I realised that they had done me an enormous favour.

I'm not an 'everything happens for the best' type of person, but i do believe that you make the best of the cards you're dealt.