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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would it BU at the moment.......

58 replies

MrsWarleggan · 21/10/2020 19:39

DH is utterly miserable in his job at the moment. I'm not talking every day, "my job is rubbish" kind of miserable, I'm talking "Every day is an effort to get up and go to this god forsaken hell hole and work with these arseholes that have made start taking anti depressants, underpaid and under appreciated" type of miserable.

However..... In the current economic situation the job is considered safe.

He has had his CV on many a CV library in his field for many months. Yesterday he receives a call from a company. They want him. Tiny bit more money, but more commuting so he would be earning the same, maybe even slightly less....They called again today... They really want him.

However...... Is now the right time to be going for a new job?

I want him to be happy. I really really really do. I want him to come home with a smile on his face for the kids, rather than a huff and go straight to the kitchen for a cider.

We have a young family. If he leaves his safe job and gets made redundant in 6 months we would be well and truly screwed. But, I want him to be happy!!!!!!

AIBU - Stick with safe job and be thoroughly miserable for the next 6-12 months and see how covid/economy pans out.

YABU - Go for new job. Run the risk of being made redundant, but he may finally be happy for the 1st time in a year?

I've been going mad thinking this over. It's time for outside opinions!

Go!!!

OP posts:
RhymesWithOrange · 21/10/2020 20:21

He should take it.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 21/10/2020 20:21

@RandomMess

WFH isn't an option for him. He a massive laser machine operator. Salary could/should be negotiable though 😊

OP posts:
Sparticuscaticus · 21/10/2020 20:23

Brush down his suit snd send him off to that interview! He can get more or a feel about company at his interview. Then if he loves it snd gets excited, you crack open that bottle of Asti you have in the cupboard!!

Because your DH feels like this ...

Every day is an effort to get up and go to this god forsaken hell hole and work with these arseholes that have made start taking anti depressants, underpaid and under appreciated" type of miserable.

Sod the 'might buy a new house next year"... " what if ... what if".. so he should stay but wrenchingly miserable...

Live life for fun, love and challenges. Cheer him on when he needs to take a leap of faith for what may be an exciting opportunity, the start of a much happier change!

He needs you to have his back and give it. Litttle push Grin

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 21/10/2020 20:24

@RaspberryToupee

Thankyou for such a detailed response. I agree with pretty much all you have said. There have been a number of jobs that he has seen, and actually gone to visit since it all went pear shaped, but held off.....he's quite a head screwed on kind of bloke. It's just covid impact keeps creeping into the back of mind... Just wish it would fuck off!!! 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 21/10/2020 20:25

@Sparticuscaticus
😊 Thankyou

OP posts:
raddledoldmisanthropist · 21/10/2020 20:26

Tell him to take the new job.

I carried on for years in misery because I have a family to support and would have earned less elsewhere. I ended up breaking down and very nearly doing something stupid. I've been 7 months off work and while I'm back now every day is still a struggle.

Staying is the bigger risk.

nosswith · 21/10/2020 20:27

No job is worth your health. Anti-depressants is far beyond a few bad days. Your DH should take the new job.

Adoptthisdogornot · 21/10/2020 20:27

Mental health -is- health. So if you wrote your post and instead of having his job damaging his mental health put that it gave him a horrendous oozing rash, or an awful cough, or might cause him to die younger than he should, it would be a no brainer. I say he should take the new job, and good luck to you both with the house purchase

flaviaritt · 21/10/2020 20:27

When you said slightly older I wavered, but if you’ve just finished mat leave you can’t be older than early 40s?

He should leave and go for a job that isn’t damaging to his mental health.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 21/10/2020 20:27

@raddledoldmisanthropist

So sorry to hear this. Stay positive, you will get there eventually Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 21/10/2020 20:29

@flaviaritt

I'm nearly 39, he has just turned 42.

OP posts:
AntiHop · 21/10/2020 20:30

I was in a similar position to your husband earlier this year. I left my toxic work environment without a new job. Have a new job now.

Calic0 · 21/10/2020 20:30

The only other issue I can see is that he encounters the same stressors in the new company (whatever they are) and then he’s in the same position he is now but with a more arduous commute and less money in his pocket. It is a company cultural issue? Are you able to do any research into the culture in the new company and reassure yourself to a certain extent that it will be the positive change that it sounds like he needs?

raddledoldmisanthropist · 21/10/2020 20:31

MrsWarleggan

Thank you. I'm getting there. Much better if he never needs to come back from where I was.

It's hard to put your needs first when you have a young family. He will want to soldier on, but he needs to understand that his being well is what the family needs.

Mydogmylife · 21/10/2020 20:34

Like @raddledoldmisanthropist I've been the one in the hated job and believe me it's not a place you want to be! I think I would be supporting him with the new job - nothing is worth wrecking his mental health for , and I would imagine , impacting on your marriage if he is that depressed. Good luck

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 21/10/2020 20:35

He's not Boris Johnson is he?

flaviaritt · 21/10/2020 20:35

He’s only 42. He should find a job that makes him happy.

GabsAlot · 21/10/2020 20:37

i wouldnt leave a secure job for now

the first two years you have no security what if they just decide they dont want him anymore

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 21/10/2020 20:38

@Calic0

It's a saga. A much better paid job within the company was on the horizon. His boss said if you pay to get the qualifications then the job is yours. He spent 2 years hard graft at night school and got the qualifications he needed (and more) and when the time came for the job they gave it to someone else outside the company. The new person can't (and I mean CANT) do the job and everyday for the past 10 months has been asking my DH to do it for him. DH has quite rightly and politely I may add, refused as well above his pay grade. He has been singled out by production manager as not being a "team player" by not helping him to the point of harassment. When the jobs go wrong, time wasted, materials wasted etc because the other guy didn't do it right, DH gets bollocked because if he had of helped him it wouldn't have gone wrong!! It's a very small independent company. Very clicky. They are arseholes. This new place is large and has European and offices as well as UK.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 21/10/2020 20:38

I’d ask for a little more money and take it if that’s offered.

I think even if he is made redundant next year, it doesn’t mean he won’t get a new job. DH was made redundant this year and not in a safe job at all but has found work. I’m not saying that happens to everyone but redundancy doesn’t mean you are done for. Having said that redundancy at the shit job, in theory should have a better payout but I would take mental health over any of that. It’s a far bigger gamble ime.

Mydogmylife · 21/10/2020 20:39

@raddledoldmisanthropist - I hope things are better for you now, I sympathise entirely . I felt myself starting to resent my DH when I was in the depths , I felt ( entirely wrongly) that every morning he was trotting off quite happily to work whereas I was dragging myself there with panic attacks along the way! Not only was my mental health in a bad way, but it was really affecting my relationship as well. The relief when I finally packed in was unbelievable !

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 21/10/2020 20:41

@twoleftsockswithholes

Pmsl! 😂😂

OP posts:
islockdownoveryet · 21/10/2020 20:41

If this year has taught us anything is that we don't know what's round the corner .
I wouldn't leave a secure job but if I hated it and it was making me ill without a doubt I would .

zaffa · 21/10/2020 20:42

@MrsWarleggan DH is 46. I'm 38. We have a ten month old baby. DH hated his job, I watched him try to work from home during lockdown and he was just miserable. Really really miserable. They offered him voluntary redundancy and he rejected it, and then he sat up all night and ran all the calculations over and over and woke me up at six am (!!) to tell me that he wanted to do it and retrain as a teacher. Start from scratch, part time degree while working as an LSA (which pays less than a third of his previous role).

And I was obviously filled with panic at how we would cope - I wanted to go back part time and spend as much time as possible with DD but I watched the light drain out of his eyes when I questioned this plan over and over and ultimately that's no way to live.

He is the happiest I have ever seen him. Even though we are obviously worse off financially and have had to tighten every notch of the belt it's worth it to see how excited he comes home every day. I go back to work next week, working four very long days to get my hours in and whilst I hate leaving my gorgeous baby I know that ultimately this is the right thing for our family.

We have enough savings to last us if nothing else comes up, but life isn't like that so actually we just don't really know what the future holds but we have our house and our family and our happiness and that's all we can count on for now. So I think he should go for it and you should cheer him on. It really helps having someone in your corner when you do big, scary things.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 21/10/2020 20:42

@calic0

Forgot he also spent £3500 on the night school for the qualifications 🙄

OP posts:
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