To think once the spark has gone you can’t get it back ?

[Coralista]

20+ years into a relationship
If the sparks gone it’s gone right ?

What do you do though ? Stay and accept it especially if you still love and care about the person or do you finish it 😭
Really not sure but feeling crappy

The spark might be gone, but if there's no attraction at all then it's dead in the water imho.

You can't make a relationship the same as it was when it was new, because it isn't new anymore. But you can do lots of things to make it exciting and fulfilling later on. Main advice usually says:

• you need your own friends and hobbies so you've got space
• you also need some shared interests, even if that's just drinking wine or walking
• you need to actively look for things to like and love about each other
• you need to keep physical touch as a priority, even if you're not having sex
• trips and holidays are a really great way to reset
• high octane or adrenaline fuelled activities can really help you to bond - it could be something as small as going up a tall building or taking a really intense gym class together.

The big question is whether this is actually what you want. There's no point in trying to push it if you'd rather be moving on.

How long has the "spark" been gone do you think? I think relationships can have there ups and downs in terms of "sparkiness" I remember watching a couple being interviewed one time, an old couple they'd been married 50 years or something and the interviewer asked what the secret of having such a long marriage was and one of them said "We never fell out of love at the same time" I thought that was interesting

No shared interests and very little in common which was never really an issue oddly ..
Literally nothing physical atm. Which upsets me , then I feel like I get a patronising hug or something clearly awkward as I’ve prompted

And atm can’t really go out or do much due to covid and one of us being high risk

I doubt the spark can last a lifetime (maybe for some lucky ones it does) but there does need to be some level of attraction there.

If the thought of being physical and intimate (on any level not just sex) makes you feel queasy then it’s unlikely that you’ll recover it but if there’s something still there, even a tiny little bit of “oh I like it when DH does his hair like that” or “hmm he looks good in that jumper” then i would think it’s salvageable.

I think honesty with yourself is the first step, you can’t force intimacy with someone who makes you dry heave, so is it the spark has waned or is it that you have fallen out of love with them as an intimate partner (May still love them as a person of course)

There’s genuine love there I don’t doubt that for a second but it’s like being best friends there is no attraction towards me and I feel quite upset but is it possible to change that if someone just doesn’t feel that way anymore

What is meant by "the spark"?

Sorry I assumed that it was your side where the spark had left. That almost feels like the easier option, because you know your own feelings. You can’t read someone else’s mind and if they decide not to be honest or open up then what can you do???

Honest and open communication - are we in this relationship for the long haul and therefore willing to discuss and work through the ebb and flow or are we at a natural pass where we go our own ways.

If partner won’t acknowledge or own their feelings or change of feelings then you have to make the decision on your own realistically

@Coralista

There’s genuine love there I don’t doubt that for a second but it’s like being best friends there is no attraction towards me and I feel quite upset but is it possible to change that if someone just doesn’t feel that way anymore

no attraction towards you as in he isn't attracted to you anymore or you're not attracted to him?

I’m just feeling concerned that maybe he doesn’t know how to say if he wants to go 😞

Sorry, I missed your updates. So you mean you no longer have a physical relationship? Assuming no health or disability issues, that is actually fixable if both of you want to.

That he isn’t attracted to me

It depends whether there is still intellectual engagement there or not

Not attracted to you, or lost his libido for other reasons?

Of course you can. Take That even wrote a song about it - 'relight my fire' 🔥

in fact, there can be a lot of advice here. but everyone will rely on their own life experience - you have yours. nobody knows what and how it was during these 20+ years. think first of all - what do you want? what is the perfect painting for you? if you have a chance? and try to move in that direction.
and if you really need advice, ask your nearest and dearest.

my parents split up after 25 years of marriage, but I'm not sure, for example, that their story will help you. but if anything, please ask me!

TBH I think you can. But you both have to recognise that it's missing, you both have to want to get it back, you both have to be prepared to make some effort to get it back and you need to agree on what will be done to try and achieve that.

Hardly at all. I had mentioned it and said sometimes I just need a hug he acknowledged that but then still doesn’t come near me. If I mention it again it gets awkward - last thing I want to do is force myself on anyone !
Aside from that nothing else - if I mention it I’m told he’s tired from work so I drop it as again I don’t feel that I should keep on.
He has stopped in the last year or so paying me any compliments about how I look which he used to. So I think something has changed

It’s possible to change if the reasons are temporary I guess

• covid fatigue
• depression
• weight gain
• anxiety / emotional issues
• loss of libido due to medication
• touched out by constantly being in each other’s faces due to lockdown / quarantine etc

Those are temp things which I reckon most of us have felt at times

Permanent change of feelings - they love you but no longer see you in the intimate way they once did. They are still sexually motivated (ie they haven’t lost their libido) but they don’t want to do it with you.

Only your partner can decide whether this is a temp situ or a perm change of feelings

You can then decide if the reminder of the relationship gives you enough to stay together

In other ways we get on well, like I said before we have no shared interests or hobbies but we do get on well and talk and will watch things together even if it’s Not something we both like it’s just to be together if that makes sense
He is kind and does a lot and is always considerate I can’t complain at all and I can tell he does love me of that makes sense but as to whether he is attracted to me now after do long - I don’t think he is and I feel like asking bluntly as I’d rather know

I guess I need to ask him outright

Yeah you'll need to ask him but I think men can be cruel in their lack of emotional honesty. "Dont be silly, of course I do" -> a week or two of effort -> slips back to how it was -> repeat, and 30 years go by

Yes he’s said before that everything is ‘fine’ and I’m imagining problems but I know I’m not

Well you clearly aren't imagining the fact that you haven't had sex for ages, are you?