To give an old ex BF another chance?

[JaffaCake70]

I've recently ended a 2 1/2 yr relationship due to feeling unappreciated and taken for granted (amongst numerous other reasons!).

A man I dated for 1 year around 11 years ago has been in touch via FB messenger, we've chatted (we always got along well, lots in common etc) and he seems to be dropping hints towards us rekindling our past amorous entanglement!

The trouble is, when we were together 11 years ago, he used to disappear on me for a couple of weeks at a time, stating that he couldn't handle my life (I had a teenage Son who was going of the rails at the time). I ended the relationship due to the uncertainty of his affections, and feeling unsupported by him at a time when I needed all the support I could get.

In our current conversations he assures me that he is a more stable person these days, that he has changed a lot and would like to re-connect with me and see where it goes, taking it very slowly. He says he always regretted us breaking up and that he did love me, he just couldn't handle my situation at the time.

I know with the looming tier 3 lockdowns, meeting up would be off the cards for the time being, which is probably a good thing, it will force us to take this very slowly.

Please help by voting:

YABU - A leopard doesn't change it's spots. Run for the hills!

YANBU - Everybody deserves a second chance. Give it a go!

Presumably you still have a son, so this man’s attitude to your family will need to be watched carefully.

Other than that, I think you could give him a chance and see.

@makingmammaries My Son is almost 30 now and has matured and left home.

It's more of a question of, is it ever wise to go back? Should we not strive to always move forward? I like this guy but I can't help feeling that maybe I'm taking a step backwards by getting involved with him again.

I'm 50 years old and feel like I don't have the time to be messing about.

Do you think a person can change a lot in 11 years? He was 41 last time I saw him, he's now 52. Do you think men can settle down and mellow as they get older, or am I flogging a dead horse?

I don't want to go back to being dumped once a month!!

Having said that, if he tried it once it'd be goodbye for good from me!!

how many times did he dump you? You mention once a month

@OldEvilOwl I would say out of every six weeks I was dumped for a week, sometimes longer. Then he would ring me as if nothing had happened, and I would just take him back without question (foolish woman!).

Also, he didn't like coming to my house as I'm a city dweller and he's a country bumpkin (sorry if bumpkin is offensive, just a turn of phrase). That caused issues as it was me that had to do all of the travelling in the relationship.

I just don't know whether I'm setting myself up for another fall. I've had a number of broken relationships and I'm currently feeling like I must be a completely crap judge of character. Hence my plea for help and advice here.

Where do you both live now? If that caused issues before will it cause them now?

He doesn't sound like a good bet. I'd not bother.

Hi OP I did this last year. Went back and tried again with a guy from 7 yrs before.
I always say never go back. I should have taken my own advice.

Hey op, if this man had a son like yours would you have bothered with him (be honest)? If the answer is no, then I think you could give another chance.

No

@IndieTara

Hi OP I did this last year. Went back and tried again with a guy from 7 yrs before. I always say never go back. I should have taken my own advice.

Oh dear. I think I needed to hear from someone who's actually done it... maybe not then?

How long did you last first time and how long second time? If you don't mind me asking :-)

It sounds like there were two issues: the problems with your son, now resolved; and the fact that he treated you badly, dropping you and picking you up at his whim. It's not like he broke up with you in a considerate way because of incompatible circumstances.

I was going to say second chance until I read your update and he sounds too much like a knob to have a second chance. And you were too soft, that might be why he’s come back.

I have unusually dated three men where it ended and several month-a year later they asked me out again (one in teens, one in 30s, one in 40s). In every case the same problem existed but because I knew it was there I worked extra hard to try to 'fix' it. I could have been friends with all of them, but relationships that are hard work should be accepted as hard work (one he had lack of commitment, one we had a big age gap, other he was slightly on the spectrum and I am v emotional and need a reliable closeness).

When I realised that I have 'fixing' issues I decided when things end make it blunt and don't go back!

I’ve done it we are living together now we were off and on for a few years in our 20s I was modelling he was military not a match made in heaven. Then he got back in touch with me 9 years ago we reheated the soup but we had both just met people then in lockdown we started talking and I finished with a bf of 9 years he had just finished with someone and he moved 160 miles down south. It’s good most of the time sex has always been great, he’s easy on the eye, very lovely to everyone I say go for it !

@ForTheLoveOfCatFood

Where do you both live now? If that caused issues before will it cause them now?

We both still live in the same places, but back then I couldn't drive. I've been taking lessons for the past few months and should have my license soon. Therefore the travel thing won't be much of an issue anymore. Back then it took me two hours on trams and buses to get to his house.

As a general rule I say that you should only take someone back if the issues that caused you to break up have changed.

Teenage son - resolved
His attitudes - who knows?

I think I’d be tentatively open to it but play it very carefully. Maybe keep it as friends for a while first - like you say, lockdown could be helpful!

I would say out of every six weeks I was dumped for a week, sometimes longer. Then he would ring me as if nothing had happened, and I would just take him back without question (foolish woman!).

Op this is nuts! Even if this was 11 years ago, he was already in his forties! I don’t know if I’d be up for seeing if he’d changed tbh

I am gobsmacked that the vote is close to 50/50!!!

I could have a lot of sympathy with him not being able to handle your difficult teenage son.

But didn’t say, back then, “I’m sorry - this is just too complicated for me, I wish you the best.”

No, every 6 weeks he just dumped your for a week. For a YEAR.

He’s an arsehole.

For all that we all make mistakes and mature, 42 to 52 are not the growth years like 19 to 29, are they?

A grown up middle aged man treated you like shit, and he’ll give you more of the same.

@Dollywilde

As a general rule I say that you should only take someone back if the issues that caused you to break up have changed.

Teenage son - resolved
His attitudes - who knows?

I think I’d be tentatively open to it but play it very carefully. Maybe keep it as friends for a while first - like you say, lockdown could be helpful!

I think this might be the route I'll take. I'll be honest and say that I'm a bit bored since my last relationship broke down. My children are grown up and my life seems to be all work and not play (I'm NHS, therefore I've worked throughout the lockdowns).

I've always enjoyed the company of men and feel that if I can just keep him at arms length for the time being, maybe the situation could be beneficial to me.

I do have hobbies, I enjoy reading, drawing, blogging, riding my bike etc, but sometimes I just crave a bit of male attention..

Even ignoring his attitude towards you (running off, dumping regularly, etc) which is enough of a reason not to rekindle in my opinion...
Given that he couldn't cope with an admittedly tough situation before, I'd always be on edge wondering how he'd react to any stressful situation in the future. I want any partner to be someone I can rely on, lean on for support where necessary etc - personally I'd always feel like I couldn't do this with him after the previous experience and I wouldn't want to be moderating my behaviour in advance to hopefully avoid him reacting to stress badly!

Bit rambly sorry but hopefully you can see what I mean - even if it was good I'd always wonder if it was only good because life was stable at that moment.

Bloody hell. I jumped in to reply because I was incensed by the multiple dumping.

Now I read that you used to travel TWO HOURS on buses and trams to see him, cos he couldn’t be bothered to get off his arse to see you???

I think you should meet him ASAP for a hook up though... cos he must be the best fuck of your life if you put up with all that shit before!

Listen to yourself... you’re already accepting that you’ll do the running again, because you’ll soon have a car. What about - travel time won’t be an issue because you have changed your spots and you’re expecting him to do half of it now?!

I love this..."I think you should meet him ASAP for a hook up though... cos he must be the best fuck of your life if you put up with all that shit before!"

@Cocomarine

Bloody hell. I jumped in to reply because I was incensed by the multiple dumping.

Now I read that you used to travel TWO HOURS on buses and trams to see him, cos he couldn’t be bothered to get off his arse to see you???

I think you should meet him ASAP for a hook up though... cos he must be the best fuck of your life if you put up with all that shit before!

Listen to yourself... you’re already accepting that you’ll do the running again, because you’ll soon have a car. What about - travel time won’t be an issue because you have changed your spots and you’re expecting him to do half of it now?!

What if after lockdown I agreed to see him but only if he comes and picks me up from my home?

He was pretty good in the sack, but he wasn't the most well endowed, he made up for that though.....

When we did spend time together we clicked well. We both like long walks in the country, historical buildings, similar films, both bookworms etc etc (we share the same birthday). We had a lot in common, but he ruined it by being an arse. He reckons he's a different person now.. Do I give him a chance to prove it?

Honestly. The minute he behaves like a dick he will be deleted and blocked!

@Enough4me

I love this..."I think you should meet him ASAP for a hook up though... cos he must be the best fuck of your life if you put up with all that shit before!"

He wasn't the best fuck of my life, but he wasn't the worst either.. he was probably in my top 40 😉😂

Presenting the fact that you share the same birthday as a reason to date him, makes you sound 12!!!

Sorry, but you’re crackers.

Why is he a different person now?

You’ve got to think logically. Take the emotion out of it. Honestly, which do you think is objectively more likely?

• At 41, he just still needed to grow up a bit, and he’s done that now. Because 41 is so young.

• he’s at a loose end (because someone else recently got fed up with him) and he’s trying his luck with you, but hasn’t actually changed

TWO HOURS he made you travel for, because he didn’t like you enough to share the load.

You sound like you’ve made up your mind anyway... at least read He’s Just Not That Into You first.