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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give an old ex BF another chance?

43 replies

JaffaCake70 · 21/10/2020 07:27

I've recently ended a 2 1/2 yr relationship due to feeling unappreciated and taken for granted (amongst numerous other reasons!).

A man I dated for 1 year around 11 years ago has been in touch via FB messenger, we've chatted (we always got along well, lots in common etc) and he seems to be dropping hints towards us rekindling our past amorous entanglement!

The trouble is, when we were together 11 years ago, he used to disappear on me for a couple of weeks at a time, stating that he couldn't handle my life (I had a teenage Son who was going of the rails at the time). I ended the relationship due to the uncertainty of his affections, and feeling unsupported by him at a time when I needed all the support I could get.

In our current conversations he assures me that he is a more stable person these days, that he has changed a lot and would like to re-connect with me and see where it goes, taking it very slowly. He says he always regretted us breaking up and that he did love me, he just couldn't handle my situation at the time.

I know with the looming tier 3 lockdowns, meeting up would be off the cards for the time being, which is probably a good thing, it will force us to take this very slowly.

Please help by voting:

YABU - A leopard doesn't change it's spots. Run for the hills!

YANBU - Everybody deserves a second chance. Give it a go!

OP posts:
littlebirdieblue · 21/10/2020 15:59

They NEVER change.....honestly they really don't. Not at his age for sure, a young 20 something, maybe, but a man who did all that crap to you when he was already in his 40's......no chance. Sorry op but I wouldn't give him a chance to mess you around again.

TheCraicDealer · 21/10/2020 16:03

If someone isn't mature enough at 41 that they prefer to disappear for a week rather than have a frank conversation, I'm not sure there's ever any hope for them. Coupled with the two hour commute....nope.

Original poster
JaffaCake70 · 21/10/2020 16:04

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. I got what I came here for: opinions and food for thought.

I'm still sort of half and half. My loneliness and my self respect are currently doing battle.

OP posts:
AGoatAteIt · 21/10/2020 16:05

I would say out of every six weeks I was dumped for a week, sometimes longer. Then he would ring me as if nothing had happened, and I would just take him back without question (foolish woman!).

Don’t bother. Whatever his reasons for ending it each time, behaving that way was out of order and you deserve better. Sack him off.

Bluebird1234 · 21/10/2020 16:11

Don’t do it - been there got the T-shirt. It didn’t end well

Abitofalark · 21/10/2020 16:45

It's tempting to think of going back to the man of another time when you are on your own and feeling lonely; there aren't many men about, plus it's easy and feels safer than setting off into the unknown. But being lonely and at the end of broken relationships makes you vulnerable and easy for someone to step in and play on that; already you think it's something wrong about you, while all along it might be they weren't the right sort. So how do you protect yourself in that state?

As far as this man goes, his basic character came out before and won't have changed. That's not the circumstances of the time. That's fundamental unreliability writ large in an extreme pattern of unreliability. The warning is ringing in my ear louder than ten fire bells. Mr Unreliable.

Cocomarine · 21/10/2020 16:57

You know that thing about being loneliest in a crowd?

Honestly, it is less lonely being single, than being in a couple and knowing he doesn’t care.

flipperdoda · 21/10/2020 18:42

Honestly, it is less lonely being single, than being in a couple and knowing he doesn’t care.

This 100 times over

MadamBatty · 21/10/2020 18:51

What if you take one look at him & say Eurgh no?

I’d suggest your willingness to accept crap at 50 will be far less than 39.

If you really want to meet him than, Meet him, I suggest it’ll feel familiar than stale very very quickly. May well be you ghosting this time.

MoonSauce · 21/10/2020 18:55

I went out with a dickhead almost exactly ten years after first going out with him, thinking that at 26/7 it would go better than when I was 16/7.

Bloody hell, what a mistake.

BigFatLiar · 21/10/2020 19:02

We 'll change over time. He'll be different just as you are. Good or bad, you won't know unless you try. Lots of people get back together after years. Probably as much chance of success as any other meeting.

IncandescentSilver · 21/10/2020 19:38

He is one of those men who dumps women reieatedly and multiple times, and if he's still single at 50 odd, he won't have changed. No woman will ever be good enough for him and its likely he's going through a dry spell and is getting back in touch with ex girlfriends.

I think yiur son is a complete red herring and making you think up excuses for him. He will be all sweetness and light to get you hooked again then boom! You will find yourself dumped again and sucked back into the cyvle you've escaped from.

I'm fact, he's likely to be more practised in it now.

Enough4me · 22/10/2020 00:18

OP, if you had said he been the most amazing lover ever I would have changed my mind and said go for it for a fun rebound.

He just sounds ok at best and rubbish at worst. Save yourself the hassle and keep looking around Halloween Wink

seayork2020 · 22/10/2020 00:23

What is your situation now though?
This is hypothetical as I am married but with my eyes wide open and would start off just seeing him occasionally and not moving him in after 2 weeks.

If can still carry on my own life as it is but he would be an extra that I could stop any time if I thought I needed to then sure I would give it a go.

If you are a person who goes all in then no I would not

Not saying anything wrong with either way though

BuffaloMozzerella · 22/10/2020 00:36

Do you actually want to be with him? Because it sounds like you want a distraction from feeling lonely rather than him. If he hasn't suggested trying again, would you have considered it?

Original poster
JaffaCake70 · 22/10/2020 06:12

@BuffaloMozzerella

Do you actually want to be with him? Because it sounds like you want a distraction from feeling lonely rather than him. If he hasn't suggested trying again, would you have considered it?
You're comment is probably the one I needed to read most.

You're right. I would never have made the first move to get in touch with him, and it is my loneliness craving a distraction.

I won't go and meet him. I've never moved backwards before, why would I start now at 50?

Thank you for your message, it really made me have a word with myself!

OP posts:
CakeRequired · 22/10/2020 07:41

Glad you're not going back there. He won't have changed and you'll find that out as soon as any stressful situation appears. Lockdown/covid will be a good excuse for him to keep dumping you periodically.

OldEvilOwl · 24/10/2020 15:02

Arrange a date then stand him up, see how he likes it.

Seriously OP, no way! He treated you like dirt, don't give him a chance to do it again

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