To think what my daughter's nan has said to her is inappropriate

[SingleWhiteFemale92]

Hi all. My daughter is nearly 6 and has no contact with her father, but does see his mum (he cut off contact with his mum also due to her choice to see my daughter). Overall we get on ok, although we are very different as people. She has a habit of not thinking before she speaks and today much daughter was playing with her brother and I overheard her say, "Do you know where my Daddy is? He ran off with his girlfriend". After questioning my daughter, it turns out that her nan had told her this at the weekend after she asked her where he is. Am I overreacting or is this a totally inappropriate thing to say to a nearly 6 year old? I don't feel she needs to know that he "ran off with his girlfriend". Should I address this with her?

Nan may have given a fuller story and this is your DDs short cut version.
A boy I know who is adopted and a similar age burst out with a very similar story to me about his birth mother. I was quite taken aback however he seemed settled and content with his story.

I don't see the problem.

I might not have chosen that exact form of words but I'm not seeing a big problem here (well her father being scum is a big problem but too late to do anything about that).

I don't think I'd have chosen those words, it's not about protecting him. What she said suggests that the new girlfriend was what caused him to fuck off. That's never the case, absent parents make their own decisions and the blame lies with them not anyone else. If someone leaves 'for' OW/OM it's because they aren't up to being a good parent.

From your update it doesn't even sound true. It isn't as if you were in a long term relationship and he left you (both) for another woman.

I think the truth is closer to, "he didn't know how to be a good dad" or "he didn't want to be a dad" or even, "I don't know why he left" perhaps with an added conversation around "I feel sorry for him that he never got to know you because being your mum/nan is great"

Having said that, I wouldn't necessarily bring it up with her nan. I agree she was caught on the hop and I assume that she genuinely thinks that is what happened. It depends how much it bothers you. I would talk to DD about it though as it's clearly something she's started thinking about, even if only in passing.

"Given that she has given up her relationship with her son to have one with your child , I think I'd cut her some slack in this instance"

Agreed with this Poster.

Yes, do cut her some slack, she has shown where her loyalties lie.

Dad has shown his true colours and painful as it might be, the child eventually needs to know.

Let it go and enjoy building the relationship with the paternal grandmother rather than potentially destroy it.

Agree it’s not the best choice of words and it’s a fairly blunt version of events that lacks nuance, but I wouldn’t be that concerned if it were true unless you’ve been making something up that it contradicts. However, her bias is showing in the way she’s skewed the truth slightly which I think is more worrying (unless she knows something about the timeline that you don’t) - how else might she paint her son as being worse than he is and might that end up impacting your DD’s view of her father and men in general?

Please also never assume a 6 year old has exactly repeated what someone else has said to them.

Not sure, it is natural for a grandmother to talk about her son. I think it would be very hard to talk about how you are a family to them without mentioning her daddy. I wonder if your daughter asked where is her daddy and she told her the truth.

Probably not the best thing to say to her but it sounds like she was caught on the hop.

I have to have a conversation with my daughter at some point in the future and I also don't know what to say.

How do you explain to a child that their dad didn't care enough without making them feel like shit.

My own dad did this and it's never been talked about. That I can remember. I know the details now but I remember being about 11 and thinking what a prick he was to never bother with me and to leave my mum to manage.

Maybe she knows something you don’t. Are you sure he hadn’t met the girlfriend when you split?

Well she's probably still bitter (understandably) so I would also let it slide.

Far too many people think protecting children from the truth is the right way to go, personally I think its secrets in families that cause more problems.

I was brought up by my GPs from the age of 4 as both of my parents fucked off (in different ways). I used to fantasise all sorts of thinks - they had been kidnapped. I had been so bad they left me, etc. You need to be honest with your daughter so she knows the truth or her imagination will fill the gaps

What would you have preferred she said?

She sounds like a good person who has lost her son and didn't know what to say. I imagine it was quite upsetting for her to answer the question.

6 year olds are very literal and your DD’s nan might not have said this quite as tactlessly as your DD relayed. Either way I wouldn’t blame her for saying what she said, especially if you haven’t bothered to discuss what exactly to tell her when she asked about her father. What had you planned to tell her OP?

Bit harsh but if shes only being honest its prob for the best.