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Original poster

To think what my daughter's nan has said to her is inappropriate

67 replies

SingleWhiteFemale92 · 20/10/2020 18:22

Hi all. My daughter is nearly 6 and has no contact with her father, but does see his mum (he cut off contact with his mum also due to her choice to see my daughter). Overall we get on ok, although we are very different as people. She has a habit of not thinking before she speaks and today much daughter was playing with her brother and I overheard her say, "Do you know where my Daddy is? He ran off with his girlfriend". After questioning my daughter, it turns out that her nan had told her this at the weekend after she asked her where he is. Am I overreacting or is this a totally inappropriate thing to say to a nearly 6 year old? I don't feel she needs to know that he "ran off with his girlfriend". Should I address this with her?

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 20/10/2020 18:51

I'd cut her some slack too, she was probably just caught out and didn't know how to put it without lying.

Groovinpeanut · 20/10/2020 18:51

Your daughter is going to have to find out the truth one day about her father. It probably isn't the most appropriate thing to say, but it's laid the ground work.
I should imagine your daughter's grandmother isn't pleased with her sons behaviour, she probably just wanted the truth to be told.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 20/10/2020 18:51

Well it is sort of the truth, so no reason why your DD shouldn't know as she did ask. I'm not a fan of fobbing off kids with lies unless there is a very good reason and I don't think there was in this instance.

Lollypop701 · 20/10/2020 18:53

Honestly I’m with @Storyoftonight ... nana also caught on spot. She deserves a lot of slack

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 20/10/2020 18:53

If it is factual and said without fuss then I just don't see what the problem is.

Was it the first time that DD has asked?

The only problem is if you've told her something contradictory - he's working on an oilrig/is coming back soon etc etc.

DeciduousPerennial · 20/10/2020 18:55

I’m confused how you didn’t anticipate that this might happen at some point and have preempted it with your not-MIL in advance.

I think that, given she was put on the spot, it wasn’t the worst answer in the world, especially since there seems to have been no direction from you about hoe you’d prefer her to answer questions like this, or discussion between the pair of you about how to approach it. The other thing is that, while this man has abandoned his daughter, he’s also abandoned his mother and I’m sure that’s going to colour her views and opinions about him, and also provides a narrative and side to things that is almost quite separate to you in a way.

No doubt though, you’ve got some ground to smooth and additional explanations to provide, and she should have told you about it on the day your daughter asked her about it. I’d definitely be annoyed about that.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 20/10/2020 18:55

It is better than he left your mum when she was pregnant, surely?

vanillandhoney · 20/10/2020 18:56

I don't really think she said anything wrong.

rorosemary · 20/10/2020 18:56

Did you tell her something different?

It sounds simple and factual, so unless you lied I don't really see the problem.

Chewbecca · 20/10/2020 18:56

I’m in the ‘she was probably caught by surprise and blurted it out’ camp so I would let it go.

It’d be fine to have a chat one day about what you have & haven’t told your DD about her Dad so she knows how you’ve phrased it so you can be consistent in future conversations.

LiveFromHome · 20/10/2020 18:57

I don't see it as inappropriate at all.

It sounds pretty much like what happened.

Florencex · 20/10/2020 18:58

If it is true, then no I don’t think it was inappropriate.

MuserOwl · 20/10/2020 18:59

@Storyoftonight

Given that she has given up her relationship with her son to have one with your child , I think I'd cut her some slack in this instance.
Yes.

She is not absolving him of guilt. She is holding hom respinsible. If my own xmil had had this awareness...

Choccylips · 20/10/2020 19:01

Maybe she didn't think he was worth your daughters thoughts, so just nipped it in the bud.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/10/2020 19:03

Why is it inappropriate?
The truth hurts. I'm sure the little girl is aware her dad rejected her but does she need to know the adult details why he forgot her.
Maybe say your Dad is irresponsible he wasn't man enough to be a dad it is his fault not yours.

dairydairywhyamihairy · 20/10/2020 19:07

What have you told your DD already in regards to this? Maybe give her nan a heads up as to what you've told her. But I don't actually think it was that inappropriate because in reality it's really hard to answer that question without having follow up questions where the answers really are quite damaging.
I know from experience that what she's really wanting the answer to is why can I not see him. I always remember the "where is my dad?" And then "why is he not living with us?" And the heartbreaking "does he not want to see me?"
DS came to his own conclusion and it was the one conclusion you don't want your child to make. Ive done everything I can to make him realise that he isn't the problem, his dad shouldn't be allowed to treat him like that or make him feel that way.

VinylDetective · 20/10/2020 19:13

She told the truth to the detriment of her son. Kudos.

Jamhandprints · 20/10/2020 19:19

Its the kind of thing people used to say when I was a child 30+ years ago. Now people say things like "daddy loves you very much but he made some choices which mean he cant be with us."
I'm not sure which is worse.

itsovernowthen · 20/10/2020 19:22

If it's true, I can't see why she should pretend otherwise. At least she made it clear to your DD that it wasn't because of her.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 20/10/2020 19:24

I don’t see a problem with this to be honest. What have you told her about her dad?

Applefruitcake · 21/10/2020 01:09

I don't really see anything wrong with that response. From your description it sounds like it's the truth. I think it would be more damaging for your dd to create false expectations about her father for her to them end up disappointed when she finds out the truth.

Have you had a discussion with her nan about what dd knows about her dad, what you would like her to know etc.? If not, then I think it would be unreasonable for you to be annoyed at her.

ClaryFairchild · 21/10/2020 01:15

Why shouldn't she bad mouth her son anyway? I don't get why so many mothers try to protect their DC from knowing their fathers are complete shits. Honesty has a lot going for it, so that if at some point in the future she is in contact with him she doesn't have an idealised view of him and so is less likely to get hurt.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 21/10/2020 01:29

Could have been phrased differently, but would you preferred her to have lied?
A friend with separated son will defend him & take his side whatever - even when she knows he is a waste of space/in the wrong/being a total prat. Then wonders why the ex-girlfriend is stand-offish with her Hmm

SD1978 · 21/10/2020 01:37

What reasons have you given for her dad leaving? It doesn't sound like it was said spitefully toward either you or your daughter- her dad did leave with his new girlfriend and doesn't see her. May be a little blunt, but I wouldn't be that annoyed- she chose you and your daughter over her feckless son.

Ponoka7 · 21/10/2020 01:44

You need start coming up with explanations and discuss it between you.

Her explanation might cause your DD to think he chose his GF over her. That starts feelings of low self esteem. Your MIL might not understand the wider implications of what she's said. Does your DD have goid relationships with other male relatives?

You need to frame it that the fault lies within her father and the gf is irrelevant.

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