AIBU to feel worn out by suicidal friend?

[gainfulbeehives]

I've NCed as I don't want this linked back to me or the friend in question, honestly.

I've had a friend for 5ish years, since we met back when we were at school together. At the time I had some seriously bad mental health problems (picture a full Britney Spears style head shave) but I often gave her a lot of my attention and affection as I wanted her to be alright. She's about a year younger than me, so that probably played a part too.

I got back in touch with her very recently after creating a new social media account - not my choice, but necessary to get some work done. She's been a bit up and down since I created the account (she went on a date with an "ex" who she'd never met before, which entailed a weekend away at a hotel where they didn't speak to each other. She was telling me how much that upset her, while still posting loved up stuff about said "ex" on her story). She's also gotten sick while at the hotel, which might be Covid, but is still going on public transport, staying at a hotel and walked around the busy capital city while ill.

She's now spent the whole day sending passive messages like "Speak." or "So lonely." or things like that to me, as well as putting them on her various private stories. She's now messaging me telling me she's suicidal and she doesn't want to be here anymore.

I feel guilty for not wanting to help her but similarly I'm a bit shattered - I've got a lot of my own MH worries to deal with right now, and I'm not sure she's got the capacity to change. I think she has a kind heart but is just not knowing / unwilling how to help herself. However, I acknowledge this may just be selfishness on my part, and she put up with my MH issues 5 years ago (though it wasn't to the counselling level I'm trying to do right now if I'm honest).

So;
YABU = She put up with your MH issues and so you should be making an effort to keep in contact with her
YANBU= You didn't expect the same level of support from her and you shouldn't feel guilty for being worn out by being in contact with her

I dont think this is an AIBU question, I think it is clear you find this person exhausting to be in contact with. You should either tell her (not wise if she is suicidal though) or just back away.

How does someone have an ex that they have never met?

You can only give what you can give. Can you find some links/contacts where she can access specialist support?

Aside from how you feel about your friend, you need to tell someone that she's suicidal. Do you know her parents? Or have other friends in common?

The best support you can give her is to point her in the direction of your local crisis team and suicide helplines. You can't keep her alive and you certainly don't want her life in your hands. If she chooses to access their support that's up to her bit trying to keep someone alive is not your job. That's her job and the professionals job. You can't sink your ship to keep someone else's afloat and it can be exhausting when the person keeps repeating patterns of behaviour despite saying they want help. Send her the numbers and look after yourself

@KooKooKachu I guess I feel guilty for doing either of those things if she's suicidal. I can't tell if my feelings are selfish / only prioritising myself, hence the AIBU (though I can probably try and get it moved if I've genuinely put it in the wrong place).

Her "ex" is someone who she met online and only spoke to online for a month (including Facetiming once).

@TestingTestingWonTooFree I could find her some support networks probably but I'm not sure she would go for it. I honestly can't tell how much is actual mental issues, and how much is just to get me to respond to her (sounds awful but it's true). I'd spend hours finding her useful resources if it did anything, but I don't think it would honestly.

@Asterion I'm not in contact with her family - I was in contact with some of her friends a while back but that was on my old social media account so I won't have any usernames. They're also not able to support her, based on what they're like as people (also sounds awful, sorry). She's an hour or so away from me and I can't drive so it's a tricky situation as well.

@justsayso Thank you. I'll do what I can, I just feel guilty and I know that if I cut off contact I'll probably feel worse (or like I should have done something better). I'll try sending her some crisis info, but I'm not sure if she'll follow through with it...

Don't put a question like this in AIBU! It's a serious subject.

I'd totally back off. She's not your best friend who relies on you. She's not a close friend at all, just an old acquaintance who you added on social media recently in order to "get some work done" (I don't get this, sorry if I've misunderstood).

@Chicchicchicchiclana Is AIBU specifically for non-serious subjects? I've seen some pretty severe AIBUs but maybe I've made a mistake.

@RaisinGhost Sorry probably phrased it badly - I created the social media account in relation to working, but I added her on it as she popped up as a mutual friend. So the two weren't necessarily interlinked. Hope that makes sense.

I see your point, but we were very close back then and have been close on and off these past few years, so I suppose it's not totally out of the blue.

You aren't qualified to counsel a person with suicidal ideation or intent. The most you can do is tell her that you're out of your depth and [here] are the contact details for the various organisations; helplines.

It is not your responsibility to take this role.

I feel very strongly about this kind of thing.
I also have extremely firm boundaries about it due to past experience.
I have anxiety and plenty of friends with mental illnesses. My best friend has a mental illness and I will always support her because she does the same for me if I need it and she is not draining, passive aggressive or demanding. She and I have a very healthy relationship and I love her very much.
However, I have had friends who are mentally ill and use it as a way to manipulate others into giving them a huge amount of time and attention. Threats of suicide and self harm, “running away”, etc. That doesn’t mean they aren’t ill or are “faking it”, it means their illness manifests in a way I am not able to be a part of. Some people may call this callous but I’ve had MORE than my fair share of attempted manipulation due to mental illness, and it’s toxic and I refuse to have any part in it - even if that person is “there for me” too. YANBU to pull back if you feel it’s in the category of toxic behaviour which it sounds like.

I’ve burnt out if many years of MH support, years of suicide threats etc. I grew up with it and it was a huge part of my life.

About two years ago I drew a line, and it made me realise how I unwittingly fed the difficulties. We’ve both been a lot better with boundaries

You need to 'put your own lifejacket on first' and focus on your own mental health. She is already causing you a lot of stress and worry after a comparatively short reacquaintance.

I would explain to her that you're not doing well and need to take some time for yourself. You could give her a couple of numbers for crisis lines so she has another number to call, rather than yours.

If you can get in touch with anyone she's friends with, or any of her family then I would do so, but she is not your responsibility when it's affecting your MH.

OP - yes if she is suicidal she needs to get help. Maybe Samaritans or something.

I have a male friend who relies a lot on me a lot. I like him, but he can be totally exhausting. He leaves cryptic messages and handwritten messages that he takes photos of, and puts them on social media and I know they are aimed at me. They are very similar to how your friend writes. I have found myself backing off from the friendship as a result. Not entirely, but just not getting too involved so can preserve my own sanity.

He hasn't been suicidal for years and not since I have known him. If he was depressed again, obviously I would try to help him. I've offered suggestions to my friend various ways they can deal with their past traumas but ultimately he won't take the first step and I don't feel I'm qualified to help him. I can empathise with how you feel.

Year5teacher sums it up beautifully. It feels like manipulation.

Be honest, say that you probably aren’t in the best place to support her right now. If you can signpost her to others that can.
You can be nice but still look after yourself.

@MitziK I've sent her some hotlines and websites for mental health services in this country. She's not opened the message yet.

@year5teacher Thank you for saying there's a difference between confiding in someone for mental health issues and using mental health issues for some kind of gain. I'm really notoriously shit at saying no to people, and I tend to keep faith until the last possible moment, but I guess it also gives manipulative people a higher sense of control / power.

@Realii How do you know when people actually need help vs are demonstrating their suicidal tendencies for attention / because I've not put boundaries in place? I feel like for people who actually need a bit of support, I don't want to just bung off some hotline numbers and say "have at it!". But I also don't want to spend hours comforting people in their hours of darkness, only to have it happen every few days over the same repeating issues.

@BetsyBigNose I don't know any of her family or friends, and I guess I have a bit of a shitty perspective in that I didn't want my family / friends to know when I was suicidal (though I told them and I acknowledge this isn't a healthy way to go about things). I guess I want to help her out, but I'm feeling drained of life force honestly. I think even the fact that she's a year younger than me really makes her feel like a little sister.

@KooKooKachu Yes, I've definitely noticed not passive aggressive but in a similar vein stuff where she won't try and start a conversation, she'll get me to try and start it through cryptic social media stories and indirect messages (the type that suggests she's sent it to a lot of people, but also somehow applies to her trying to get my attention).

I want her to take the first step, but it seems she enjoys being in the extreme highs and lows of things. I don't know if I can even help with that, if I wanted to.

@Audreyseyebrows You can be nice but still look after yourself. I am absolutely awful at even knowing where the line is, truthfully. I want to help people and give 110% of myself to make sure no one has to suffer alone, but I'm burnt at both ends.

Be there for her, but not at the expense of your own mental health.

Send her details of the Samaritans and mental health charities, then turn your phone off. Don’t get into the vicious cycle of having to respond to her every text. Put in some boundaries.

@Standrewsschool Is it more moral to block her and save myself all of the pain, or try and speak to her less but still be there for her?
I can't tell how much self sacrifice is reasonable tbh.

What advice would you give your friend if she was in your situation? Experiencing burn out but not wanting to let others down.
I do understand, I’m the same although very much an ostrich. I bury my head in the sand while helping others. Don’t be like me, it’s rubbish when you have to come up for air.

The people I know who have sadly been suicidal have hidden it very well and I have only known when its reached crisis point. She's obviously in need but you are not in a position to give her what she needs

@Audreyseyebrows I guess I'd tell her that her mental health is important too, and that she shouldn't burn herself to keep others alight. But at the same time, who listens to their own advice? .

I'm joking, but I think a lot of it comes from a desperate urge to help nobody feel the way I used to feel. And I guess I know that one person caring would have made a hell of a difference, so that now I'm in a better headspace I should expend a lot of time trying to be that person for other people.

@Diverseduvet That's true. I guess people who really want to die won't tell you until it's make or break. Still, in my opinion doing this for attention is still a MH issue - I don't know, I just feel very guilty for not doing the absolute most for everyone else all the time honestly.

OP you can’t heal her. She needs to seek proper professional help. She needs to see her GP. You’re not her saviour, healer or counsellor. You can be a friend. That’s all.

I wouldn't block her, maybe tell her you're busy and burnt out. Weirdly I had to say this to my friend a couple of weeks ago as he was vying for my attention with his cryptic handwritten, photographed messages on SM. Then he actually did message me privately. I had to be honest, and to the point with him. That right now I've got too much on my plate. He was fine with it. But he is back to cryptic social media again. I just leave him to it.

Sorry for the derail. Dont cut contact with your friend, just offer help and be tactfully honest about your own situation. Let her know you are there but you can't solve all her problems.