AIBU to feel worn out by suicidal friend?

[gainfulbeehives]

I've NCed as I don't want this linked back to me or the friend in question, honestly.

I've had a friend for 5ish years, since we met back when we were at school together. At the time I had some seriously bad mental health problems (picture a full Britney Spears style head shave) but I often gave her a lot of my attention and affection as I wanted her to be alright. She's about a year younger than me, so that probably played a part too.

I got back in touch with her very recently after creating a new social media account - not my choice, but necessary to get some work done. She's been a bit up and down since I created the account (she went on a date with an "ex" who she'd never met before, which entailed a weekend away at a hotel where they didn't speak to each other. She was telling me how much that upset her, while still posting loved up stuff about said "ex" on her story). She's also gotten sick while at the hotel, which might be Covid, but is still going on public transport, staying at a hotel and walked around the busy capital city while ill.

She's now spent the whole day sending passive messages like "Speak." or "So lonely." or things like that to me, as well as putting them on her various private stories. She's now messaging me telling me she's suicidal and she doesn't want to be here anymore.

I feel guilty for not wanting to help her but similarly I'm a bit shattered - I've got a lot of my own MH worries to deal with right now, and I'm not sure she's got the capacity to change. I think she has a kind heart but is just not knowing / unwilling how to help herself. However, I acknowledge this may just be selfishness on my part, and she put up with my MH issues 5 years ago (though it wasn't to the counselling level I'm trying to do right now if I'm honest).

So;
YABU = She put up with your MH issues and so you should be making an effort to keep in contact with her
YANBU= You didn't expect the same level of support from her and you shouldn't feel guilty for being worn out by being in contact with her

@Wolfiefan Bit of the old Messiah complex, I guess. She's responded to my message apologising, but it didn't really seem to take on board what I've said properly - e.g. kind of "Sorry if you felt triggered x" type of thing. I don't know where to go from here, I don't think she'll get help. She's not responded to the helplines.

Don't let yourself get dragged down by melodramatic nonsense. Suicide? Yeah, let her get on with it!
As for spending weekends away with men she's never met before ... well, no-one who values themselves this cheaply is likely to feel good about themselves, but that's not your problem.
Friends are supposed to bring you joy not drain you. Just block her.

If she won’t get help then you can’t help her.

@KooKooKachu I just don't think she knows what boundaries are, truthfully. She puts up stories and messages everyone with quite personal information. One of her newest stories I can see a self harm cut on her arm which is quite triggering for me (sorry I know that's often a bit of a cringe-inducing word but it's the one that gets the point across).

Offering help in her eyes means being there behind every step and doing the whole "you're not a bad person, x, y, z are bad people and it sucks this is happening to you" thing. She just gets stuck in the same repeating positions.

@katy1213 "No one who values themselves this cheaply is likely to feel good about themselves." I majorly appreciate your sentiment and your post, but it makes me more comfortable if the forum and I can critique her actions and not her sex life. I understand what you mean though, and I'm considering blocking her if that's the only option.

Also, FYI it was a woman in the hotel room, not a bloke.

Then the kindest thing you can do for yourself is back away. You can't break the cycle for her, only she can. Maybe you can report her stories on SM? I think there is a reason you can give about harm being caused or something when reporting them. It might make her stop doing that.

@KooKooKachu She's not done one of her actively self harming in a long time, but I guess even her self harm wounds being visible in a totally innocent story upsets me (though I can admit that's probably my own problem). I don't know how to back away, if you have any tips on that that reduce guilt that would be great!

Hmm with my friend, he knows he can chat to me. But I dont get sucked on to his weird messages online. If he wants to talk he needs to be an adult and actually talk.
Treat your friend this way. Only speak to them when they make appropriate contact, like "hi, how are you?" Etc. Any demands of your time by manipulation tactics, just ignore.

Step away from SM if can. I deactivated my account for a time.

Switch your phone off.

Covid has naturally put distance in place, so you won't need to see her.

@KooKooKachu I was off social media for about a year as I was worn out by the ups and downs of I guess "young life" but unfortunately I need to have it for academic benefits (study group chat, mostly.)

I'm going to go for a walk and try to de-fry. Thank you for your advice. x

You also have to be practical. If you have this new profile for work, her constant presence may reflect badly on you - if she “accidentally” blurts personal info on your sm to get attention. I would have to tell her that you are going to pull the plug on sm completely for a while except for work purposes and block her.

I can't see that hooking up with strange women in hotel rooms is going to feel any better next morning than strange men!

@justilou1 It's a Snapchat so fortunately disappears quickly and there's no page for other people to comment on what you post publicly - it's also for academic purposes, which means it's in no way monitored thankfully. I definitely don't divulge much private information to her anyway though (or information I'd be upset that got shared). xx

@katy1213 That's true, not necessarily saying it changes anything - just mentioning for fact stating purposes. :)

@year5teacher

I feel very strongly about this kind of thing. I also have extremely firm boundaries about it due to past experience. I have anxiety and plenty of friends with mental illnesses. My best friend has a mental illness and I will always support her because she does the same for me if I need it and she is not draining, passive aggressive or demanding. She and I have a very healthy relationship and I love her very much. However, I have had friends who are mentally ill and use it as a way to manipulate others into giving them a huge amount of time and attention. Threats of suicide and self harm, “running away”, etc. That doesn’t mean they aren’t ill or are “faking it”, it means their illness manifests in a way I am not able to be a part of. Some people may call this callous but I’ve had MORE than my fair share of attempted manipulation due to mental illness, and it’s toxic and I refuse to have any part in it - even if that person is “there for me” too. YANBU to pull back if you feel it’s in the category of toxic behaviour which it sounds like.

This. I've only just got out of a situation which involved 5 years of this kind of thing, including emotionally blackmailing me to see them once a week when I really, really did not have the ability to do that.

This sounds like co-dependency and is not a healthy dynamic.