AIBU to think blood is not thicker than water?

SweetAlmondOil · 2020-10-19T14:21:58+00:00

I was talking to a girlfriend at the weekend and her mum is poorly (nothing serious). My friend was saying how she'd love to be able to just pop in and see her, make her a cup of tea, bring her a treat, just generally be able to show her mum how much she cares and how much she loves her. This is her adoptive mum - her biological mum gave her up when she was a baby because she had life plans and a baby wasn't in them, and they've never seen each other since (my friend has no intention of tracking her biological mum down - as far as she's concerned she has a mum - and a dad). I, on the other hand, have never been close to my mum and we rarely speak. I grew up admiring a friend's mum though in the way she was with my friend, with me, with our friends, with her husband, her friends, her colleagues, etc. We are still close to this day. So that got me thinking: is bloody really thicker than water? I don't think so. At the end of the day your DP/spouse, for example, is not a blood relation and yet many of us are much closer to them and love them more than blood relations, even siblings. Many of us make friends we love more than family. I certainly have a few of those and we speak nearly every day and see each other a lot (respecting Covid-rules atm I feel I must say). And long lost siblings for example: would you automatically get very close and care for them very much if you met them, just because they are related to you by blood? Curious as to what others think.

ScarMatty · 19/10/2020 18:07

Totally agree with you.

I speak to very, very few members of my family and would turn to a friend instead if I needed support

RaraRachael · 19/10/2020 18:11

I agree with you. My mother was horrible to my sister when she was young and horrible to me when I was older. Neither of us shed a tear when she died and still haven't.

I go out socially with her friend and often wish she'd been my mother instead.

I have been treated badly by a cousin too so would far rather spend time with friends than family. You can choose your friends as they say.

Toebarb · 19/10/2020 18:16

My brother and I are close in age but very different personalities. He's a nice guy, but we just don't have much in common, and I'd never choose him as a friend. We text occasionally and rarely meet except at bigger family events.

However - as he's my brother - I'd do anything for him if he needed me and I'd be devastated if anything happened to him.

FizzyPink · 19/10/2020 18:18

I agree with you. I chose my DP over my awful racist dad and it was 100% the right decision

WilheldivaHater · 19/10/2020 18:19

“the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb” Is the full quote, people always use the shorter version to mean the exact opposite of what the full quote means.

To me a blood relationship means nothing. I've got blood relations who I haven't seen in 25 years and would probably not recognise if I passed in the street and friends that I'd give an organ to without a thought.

In my opinion blood doesn't make family, love does.

Crazycatlady83 · 19/10/2020 18:20

The original meaning of the expression was “that the ties between people who have made a blood covenant (or have shed blood together in battle) were stronger than ties formed by "the water of the womb”

ChickensMightFly · 19/10/2020 18:24

In terms of companionship as to who to spend time with, my family don't necessarily come top of the list but I would drop everything if they needed me... They would do the same, so the family link gives me a connection that our personalities don't. I also have family who I know would not, so the attitude is mutual.
So I suppose if the relationship is based on family ties but mutually loyal then it can transcend that gap. However I firmly believe that just cos someone is family doesn't make them deserving of a relationship with you, there has to be some level of care put into it on both sides. If that's missing then the family connection means diddly.

helloNCagain · 19/10/2020 19:41

Family is who you love and spend time with, not who you're born into or are blood related to (in my opinion!).

Thehop · 19/10/2020 19:43

There’s no line between me and my mother or my full brother and I. We’re not contact and they mean nothing to me.

I’m very close to my half siblings and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them.

Sexnotgender · 19/10/2020 19:45

@WilheldivaHater

“the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb” Is the full quote, people always use the shorter version to mean the exact opposite of what the full quote means.

To me a blood relationship means nothing. I've got blood relations who I haven't seen in 25 years and would probably not recognise if I passed in the street and friends that I'd give an organ to without a thought.

In my opinion blood doesn't make family, love does.

I came to give the full quote too. Frustrating how people consistently get it wrong.

satnighttakeaway · 19/10/2020 19:51

It's just a saying not a scientific fact, different families have different dymanics, there's no universal right or wrong way to feel.

Deadringer · 19/10/2020 19:52

I think for most people, the ties to our family of birth are very strong. I tolerate stuff from my family that i wouldn't from friends, and i take it for granted that my family members will always be around, while friends can come and go. Having said that though, i have 2 dds that i didn't give birth to and i love them every bit as much as my own.

AibuTellMe · 19/10/2020 20:30

Yanbu I dont speak to one half of my family, who I met as a young adult. Just not interested, theres no bond there they are just strangers. Lovely strangers but they dont feel like my family.

SecretSpAD · 19/10/2020 20:45

I completely agree. My husband and I adopted our teenagers when their mum died a few years ago (the formal adoption was completed a few months ago) and we love them completely and totally and they us. Both say they love us as much as their mum (we were around throughout their childhoods) which was a surprise but we don't question them.

I know that while I love, adore and worship my dad - I didn't love my mother. She was abusive and toxic and I don't think she loved me either. Sometimes I watch my two and I feel ,y heart swell with love (yeah, I know 🤮) and I do wonder if my mother ever felt that way about me, but I honestly doubt she did.

My mother means I don't believe in the unconditional love between a child and a parent, but I'm lucky I've got it with my dad, my siblings, my husband and my children. Half of whom I'm not related to by blood.

Most of all, I've got my dog 😆💕

SecretSpAD · 19/10/2020 20:50

I had forgotten that full quote until I just read it. So much for my expensive girls only boarding school with compulsory church attendance

MitziK · 19/10/2020 20:51

The original phrase that trite little saying comes from is saying exactly the opposite.

So I'd ignore anybody who uses the phrase as an excuse for not giving a shit about anyone other than people they happen to be genetically linked to.

Original poster

SweetAlmondOil · 20/10/2020 13:01

@SecretSpAD

I completely agree. My husband and I adopted our teenagers when their mum died a few years ago (the formal adoption was completed a few months ago) and we love them completely and totally and they us. Both say they love us as much as their mum (we were around throughout their childhoods) which was a surprise but we don't question them.

I know that while I love, adore and worship my dad - I didn't love my mother. She was abusive and toxic and I don't think she loved me either. Sometimes I watch my two and I feel ,y heart swell with love (yeah, I know 🤮) and I do wonder if my mother ever felt that way about me, but I honestly doubt she did.

My mother means I don't believe in the unconditional love between a child and a parent, but I'm lucky I've got it with my dad, my siblings, my husband and my children. Half of whom I'm not related to by blood.

Most of all, I've got my dog 😆💕

There you go. Case in point. Especially because I also have a dog

OP posts:

CakeRequired · 20/10/2020 13:05

I definitely don't like some of my family and honestly as I get older, the amount of those I don't like is just getting bigger. They just aren't nice people that I want to spend time with. Would rather spend time with my partner or friends.

ReneeRol · 20/10/2020 14:28

You have no idea why her birth mother gave her up. Don't be judging people you don't know. Your terrible relationship with your mother isn't reflective of all bio relationships and neither is hers reflective of all adoptive relationships.

Requinblanc · 20/10/2020 14:41

Agree with you.

I have no contact with any of my relatives. I don't even consider them my 'family'. They are simply a toxic bunch of people who happened to be related to me and who made my childhood and teenage years a misery.

If someone is related to me it does not automatically mean that we should love each other or that they are the type of people I want in my life.

My friends are the ones who helped me during tough times, taught me about life and the world and gave emotional support. My relatives never did.

My parents had that pretty sickening view/sense of entitlement that if you are related to someone you can do whatever you want to them, behave appallingly and always expect to get away with it because your child pretty much 'belongs' to you and owe you everything. That's why we have not had any kind of relationship for decades...

Sallyshouse · 20/10/2020 14:43

@WilheldivaHater

“the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb” Is the full quote, people always use the shorter version to mean the exact opposite of what the full quote means.

To me a blood relationship means nothing. I've got blood relations who I haven't seen in 25 years and would probably not recognise if I passed in the street and friends that I'd give an organ to without a thought.

In my opinion blood doesn't make family, love does.

THANK YOU. Hate how the saying gets misused.

MereDintofPandiculation · 20/10/2020 14:48

I think the point of it as it's used nowadays is that you may well be closer to your friends and use them for support but in 50 years time your current friends may not still be around, whereas in most cases your family will still have some sort of a connection to you.

Goosefoot · 20/10/2020 15:09

I don't think the sentiment (rather than the source quote itself) actually has much to do with modern notions of who we like or even who we love.

It has more to do with ideas around duty and connection. Parents who give up children or neglect and abuse them notwithstanding, we still maintain some sense that parents have a duty towards biological children, regardless of how they feel about them. This was in some ways stronger in earlier times when families were more likely to be extended and social welfare systems didn't exist - people very much depended on family in times of trouble, there was a strong sense of familial obligation and duty to them, even if they were tits. We have less of that now but I think many families still hold to it pretty strongly.
There are some interesting things about that. One is that although we might think of a spouse as more like a friend, in the older model marriage was very much the joining together of two families, so the expected obligations were at a similar level - not about liking them or getting alone etc. The other, more relevant to us in a daily life kind of way, is attachment to family can be one of the ways we are exposed to people we may love and respect who have quite different views than our own, and for some its the main place they have cross-generation relationships. Friendships are much more likely to be made with people who reflect our own interests, beliefs values, or personalities, and are at a similar life stage.

ChickensMightFly · 20/10/2020 16:26

goosefoot great post.

RightYesButNo · 20/10/2020 16:43

“the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb” Is the full quote,

No. It’s not. I know it’s become terribly popular in discussions like this, on quote boards, on Facebook, etc. But the fact is that “blood is thicker than water” can be traced back to 1700s and this incorrect quote can only be traced back 20-30 years. In fact, a lot of research into it dead-ends at a Cracked article with no citations.

Here’s the Stackexchange research on it, including the Cracked article and several other sources:
english.stackexchange.com/questions/147902/original-meaning-of-blood-is-thicker-than-water-is-it-real

Here’s the Reddit linguistics research on it:
www.reddit.com/r/linguistics/comments/37a4lg/is_it_true_that_the_phrase_blood_is_thicker_than/?

It’s possible (I only say possible as the research branches a lot) that the very first phrase was from Arabic, that “blood is thicker than milk,” ie brotherhood between two close individuals is closer than mother’s milk, but both links discuss this as just a single possibility.

The point is that it’s definitely NOT “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,” and never has been.

Whether you believe blood is thicker than water is a personal opinion, but don’t base it on total shite.