I'm a shit mum - please help me be better

[HelpNeeded92]

I'm a single mum of 2 DC, 6 year old DD and 21 month old DS. Their dad isn't around. DD is lovely, beautiful and funny but extremely spirited and does not stop fucking talking. She constantly needs attention and winds her brother up. I'm currently on universal credit (with aims to start university next year) and we have limited funds. The bills are paid and there is food on the table but there isn't much spare. I feel lonely, overwhelmed and just a bit sad. I don't think I am depressed. I lost my shit at DD tonight, burst in to tears and ask her if she enjoys upsetting me like this. I feel like crap for that. This isn't the life I wanted, I wanted a "proper" family. Fat chance of me ever getting that now. I'm 29. How do I learn to parent properly and be more patient, I'm rubbish. I love these kids so much and worry I'm fucking them up emotionally. :(

Do you ever get one to one time with dd?

@LIZS

Do you ever get one to one time with dd?

Hi. Unfortunately not at the moment.

Hello. Kids are hard work sometimes don't be too hard on yourself. Do you have any family or good friends nearby?

Give her a hug, say you are sorry you shouted. Explain that it's hard work looking after you all, and you get tired and grumpy, but that you love her to the moon and back.

Two parent families do all the same stuff- lose their tempers, snap at each other as well as the D.C.

Don't be hard on yourself.

Try some strategies to give you time for yourself. It could be a quiet half hour where they sit and look after each other, while you have a bit of peace and a cuppa on your own. If they manage it, give them a biscuit. If they don't, never mind, we'll try again another time. Routine and structure is your friend, it means everyone knows what's happening so they need you less.

Hi there.

I had my one and only son at 38 - so 15 years older than you were when you had your DD, if my maths is right.

I have a super supportive husband, excellent childcare so I can work 4 days a week and only one child...and I still find it really quite overwhelming at times. I simply do not know how single mothers do it. You’re a hero!

You’re also human. Please don’t be so hard on yourself! I’m sure you’re doing a really good job.

We've all been here

You are not a shit mum.

You are not a crap Mum. You are tired, and constantly 'on', 24/7. You are doing a two person job on your own.

When I lost it at my daughter (who was younger than you, and I had DH there, I had no excuse), I apologised, I explained in an age appropriate way what had happened and why, and we literally kissed and made up. A Wiggles DVD which at the time represented quite a sum out of our budget, may have been involved.

Hang on in there. Is there anybody that can give you an hour or two to yourself? You're putting food on the table - that's more than many are managing at the moment. Give yourself some credit - you feel bad for yelling at your child, and are not seeking to excuse yourself, but ways to do better going forward. Look down, as well as up.

Huge sympathy for you, this is a hard time with two little ones, when not on you own, having to be everything to everyone, do everything for everyone, and in covid times as well.

I've got a husband, am a SAHM and only have one child, the amount of times I've lost my shit!!! I think you'll find most of us lose it, it's natural, but do try to find a way of having some time to yourself.

You aren't a terrible mum for expressing your frustration. All mums have enough sometimes and let their guard slip when they are exhausted. Have a cuddle, read a story together and say you are sorry. Being a single mum means you have less adult support and it sounds like you don't have much adult company or time for a break. Reach out to family and friends for either babysitting or company. You need things to look forward to, to break the monotony so you have more energy for your kids.

The very fact you are so worried about it shows what a wonderful mum you are. I find it hard enough parenting one (5.5, I feel you on the never ending talking!) with my partner.

Being a single parent? - I can't even imagine. I have the absolute greatest respect and admiration.

Be kind and gentle on yourself. Every one gets stressed and tired. Talk to your daughter, explain and apologise. They see and understand so much more than we give them credit for.

I don't think you need advice on parenting, it sounds very much like you need a bit of support and time to fill up your own cup. Is there any chance of that? Any friends you could share baby sitting with?

The fact you are asking for help shows that you're not a shit mum. Be kind to yourself xx

You should apologise for loosing it, I assume you would want her to say sorry if she spoke to another person like that?

If you have child care help use it, if you don’t set everything up so that she can watch tv for 30 minutes at a set time, when the baby naps to give yourself a little break.

It’s hard and shit now, but it won’t always be like this, it does get better, just hold on in there.

We all lose our shit at times, the fact that you notice and are sorry is the important bit. Give dd a big cuddle, then tell her that you are sorry and you love her. Try and carve out some time for yourself even if it’s just getting the kids to bed an hour earlier. Things will get better.

I can relate to the constant talking too OP.

Is your DS sleeping through the night?

Oh it's so normal to lose your shit occasionally OP. All of us do it. I always apologise though and explain I was tired / hungry / wrong etc. We are human and this is a tough job.

Everyone loses it now and again. 6 year oles are very busy and you have a toddler too. That's hard on your own. Give her a hug and read some nice stories and it will be better tomorrow

You're not shit, it's hard. And we're in the middle of a pandemic.

If you're interested in techniques to help, I find 'aha parenting' really positive and realistic. But you might feel better in the morning anyway.

Another single mum here. It can feel overwhelming at times but honestly it does get easier.

I found the early years hard, a little bit lonely at times but I tried to really hard to enjoy the quiet nights when they were asleep. Have a bath or watch a movie etc. Be proud of your independence and capability to do this alone.

Please don't think you are doing a bad job, being a single parent is super tough.

I’m a single mum to a seven year old, and I find it hard going with one, let alone too. Sometimes I lose it and am too grumpy. If that happens then we talk and cuddle it out. Use it as a chance for her to learn about emotions and feelings and what to do when she and you don’t handle them well. Because everyone struggles with that and it’s ok.

Hugs and lots of love shared make every thing better. And be kind to yourself. It’s really hard being a single parent especially with very little or no support.

Your so hard on yourself op. You are not a shit mum 💐

You’re not a shit mum, you’re tired and overwhelmed and trying to single parent in a fucking pandemic, that would test anyone.

Would it help if we came up with ideas to amuse your DD to give you a bit of breathing space? Just in case, here are some of mine - make her a word search using her favourite tv show (so the names of My Little Ponies, or whatever) and get her to find them all. Make her an assault course in the living room. Hide one of her toys and leave her clues to find it. Give her nail varnish and let her paint her toenails. Give her a tub of odds and ends and see if she can make something with it. Find as many hair bobbles and clips as you can and get her to play hairdressers.

Best of luck to you, it’s a horrible time

Oh sweetheart. Sending big fat hugs to you! I lost my shit earlier at my dd too. And I couldn't even bring myself to say sorry because of how disgusted I was with myself (I have now). Your not a shit mum, your an overwhelmed mum, a tired mum, a broken mum, but definitely not shit. No one ever prepares us for every aspect of mother hood. I look at other mums and think how are you so happy and together? And feel ashamed of myself for not enjoying motherhood the way I should. Your so not alone, this world is totally broken and bonkers right now. Give yourself a break.

You are doing a fab job. I have a husband and only 1 child, who is well, I'm, spirited. Oh my days, lots of days. Especially when she was under 5.

I am sure you are doing your best. I found with mine, lots of exercise e.g at 2 a 2 mile walk wouldn't tire her out. The curiosity is great but it's knackering.

And you are a proper family. All a child needs is stability, you and her brother. If you show them a range of emotions, it means it's OK for them to express their feelings too.

You might think this is a bad day but really it's a good one. Finally 2 year olds don't really do empathy yet, it can be all take.

I follow a few gentle parenting pages on Instagram, they have some really good posts about how to regulate your emotions which in turn helps your child/ren regulate theirs.

I find it useful to read little snippets when I'm having a quick scroll, it seems to stay in my head, then when I find I'm particularly irritable, I think back and try and regulate myself before I react. And on the times when I do react (which we all do) I always, always apologise, explain why I lost my shit and tell them that I didn't act in the correct way and how I should have handled the situation.