I'm a shit mum - please help me be better

[HelpNeeded92]

I'm a single mum of 2 DC, 6 year old DD and 21 month old DS. Their dad isn't around. DD is lovely, beautiful and funny but extremely spirited and does not stop fucking talking. She constantly needs attention and winds her brother up. I'm currently on universal credit (with aims to start university next year) and we have limited funds. The bills are paid and there is food on the table but there isn't much spare. I feel lonely, overwhelmed and just a bit sad. I don't think I am depressed. I lost my shit at DD tonight, burst in to tears and ask her if she enjoys upsetting me like this. I feel like crap for that. This isn't the life I wanted, I wanted a "proper" family. Fat chance of me ever getting that now. I'm 29. How do I learn to parent properly and be more patient, I'm rubbish. I love these kids so much and worry I'm fucking them up emotionally. :(

Losing your temper occasionally does not make you a shit mum, it makes you a human being. The fact you're upset means you're the very opposite of a shit mum

Op I hope you are reading the supportive messages here and believing everyone. I’ve done this too and I have another person here sharing the parenting

You sound like a caring mum who has had enough and totally understandable- parenting is bloody hard

I’m thinking can you try some of these things - ignore if none of this works:

• have a time of day every afternoon where you park them in front of the telly and do something for you. Even if that’s do your nails, read a book, chat with a friend while you keep an eye on your little one. Try not to do jobs or to feel guilty

• my lovely and ancient dm always says we have to fit our one oxygen masks first - keep remembering that and don’t try to be “on” all the time. One of my dds has sn and the SLT said to us ten minutes on ten minutes off us right and normal - you can’t interact and listen all the time. I’m not suggesting your dc have any sn but I think this advice is useful for all kids and I use it for my dc without sn now!

• find something you like doing to do with them eg a book you would like to read with them both. I have a similar age gap so I know it’s challenging

You can and will meet someone when the time is right - don’t give up hope on that

You're not a crap mum. A crap mum wouldn't be so upset about this. I know it's incredibly draining listening to a child all day every day who does NOT stop talking. I have one of those! I'm quiet by nature and I get so overwhelmed with her constant noise and demands for my attention.

The solution for me? I'm afraid it's to spend even more time with her! I know, I know but it really works. My DD's behaviour really started to go downhill a few months ago and it was so incredibly draining. Constant fighting with her little sister, looking for my attention every second of the day, shouting, doing the complete opposite of what she was asked etc. I was losing it. Completely losing it. Which of course added to her bad behavior. Then after trawling through parenting blogs etc. I started to implement what we call "DDs name and mummy time" every evening after her sister goes to bed. I set the timer on my phone for twenty minutes and she has my full and focused attention to do whatever she wants. Last night it was a board game, tonight we made Halloween decorations. It's dramatically improved her behaviour! She still has her moments obviously but overall the change really has been quite incredible. She's not as needy during the day and really looks forward to her time in the evening which brightens her mood overall.

It's hard after a long day to muster up the enthusiasm but it's completely worth the effort especially when you can see it's only for 20minutes. The first night or two she tried to get longer but I was calm and consistent and she's fully accepted that when the timer goes off we have 5 minutes to wrap up what we're doing.

Anyway that's just a practical tip that really helped me. Go easy on yourself OP. Being a single parent to young children is incredibly difficult. You're doing a wonderful job.

Hey hun im not a parent but I think maybe talking to your kids about emotions and buying books about these things might help. And when you feel overwhelmed just take a few deep belly breaths and have a tea or decaff coffee.

Also look up parenting techniques and see what you feel will help, you know your kids and you know yourself. Just be kind and maybe try an activity that stretches your patience, try it and get better at it. It will help! Dr julie from tiktok says theres a stretch zone which I think is true! Look her up on tiktok shes a psychologist and an author. Maybe her book Open When might help!? Look into it hun. Big hugs!!!