Spending time with young teen? Force, or not?

[N0tthe0nlyfruit]

YANBU = insist on some shared time
YABU= let teen do their own thing

DS is an 'old' 12. He loves golf with his friends, hanging out online playing all the usual popular games, and chatting to his BF after school for a while each day. All good. However he doesn't want to do anything with me anymore. I understand it's the great separation, and probably a positive sign that he's maturing and forming his own identity but I miss hanging out a bit!

Do you (should you?) insist on occasional walks/outings even if your teen complains bitterly, or do you just let them fly free?

DS1 is 15 and I don't force him to spend time with us. The only exception is when we have guests - he knows he has to come downstairs and spend time with them and never argues.

As he's grown up I've let him move away from having forced family time and it seems to happen naturally - every now and then he appears with the poker or monopoly set and asks if we want to play, or comes down and asks if I want to watch Rick and Morty with him (I don't, because it's ridiculous, but I watch it because it's clearly important enough to him).

My parents used to force me to spend time with them and I resented it hugely.

Do you have meals with him? Drive him anywhere? I find the best talking time was when I drove my son to weekly rugby practise.we could talk about anything or nothing. From his football teams latest signing to how should he talk to a girl he liked.
Other than that the only time we do things together is when we are on holiday. Very occasionally he does come for a joint activity - we did a wood turning workshop a couple months ago. But really let the boy do his thing. Be there if he needs you. Pay attention to his interests and school. Keep track of who his friends are. But otherwise butt out.

Would he do something like a movie night in the house with you?

Oh yes as @FudgeBrownie2019 says I have watched countless TV things particularly football matches that I have absolutely no interest in but they mean alot to him so I do it.

That's what mealtimes are good for: conversation, building relationship.

We don’t see DD all day if we’re at home, but in lockdown/over the summer I did a ‘come on, we’re all going for a walk’ every couple of days. I don’t ask her if she wants to come, just present it as a ‘we’re going, get your shoes on.’ She usually enjoys it, to a fashion, once we’re out.

You'll all end up unhappy if you enforce family time. Make the most of mealtimes etc and try and find some common ground tv wise. Dd becomes my best friend when she needs new clothes so we have a nice day out shopping and lunch.

We eat together every evening at the table and often we get chatting about something and sit on for an hour or so

DS is an 'old' 12. He loves golf with his friends

Do you mean he's like 50? Or is golf actually a teenage hobby?

Anyway, no, I don't think you should force, there's still lots of incidental time when you can be together, as others say mealtimes are good.

I agree about family mealtimes - that's really important to me.

Otherwise, I suggest but don't force.

We insisted on family dinners, it was always a good way to catch up with what they'd done that day and sometimes it would go on for a couple of hours chatting, which was always lovely.

It's hard when they don't need you anymore though.

When I was a young teenager and I got into trouble, my mum would make me spend the whole evening in the living room with my parents instead of sending me to my bedroom, which I would have loved

Don't force it - he'll come back to spending time with you eventually.

I think an occasional walk, family movie or at least meal times is essential.

If my two got exercise and fresh air without us and if DS didn’t want to spend his whole time on a screen and struggle to do anything else without me forcing him to, then I wouldn’t force very often other than eating meals together (and wouldn’t mind if it wasn’t every day if they would cook properly!) But as it is, I insist on walk or bike ride every day they aren’t at school and sometimes eg occasional games to get them away from screens. They don’t normally complain, they know it’s just how it is. I’m hoping that they will gradually do things themselves with their friends. (DD15 does sometimes but none of her friends are local enough to just meet up without lots of planning so it’s not a regular thing so she’s at home mostly - even more so at moment.)

I insist on some family yes because I don’t run a hotel. We do homemade pizza and film night on Saturdays and usually do some sort of family outing on Sundays. I wouldn’t stop them seeing friends to eat pizza with the family though and we have a nice time together when we hang out so it’s not as if they resent it (unless to scared to say).

My DS is 11 and I’m wondering the same thing. His whole year is self isolating at the moment and he’s on FaceTime to his mates all damn day.

I’ve had success in the past with suggesting off the cuff things like stopping by a cafe for a hot chocolate and cake on the way home or going out for tea somewhere like Nandos. If you suggest it last minute and it involves food I find it’s a better success rate.

Unless they are out with friends/at a club if im going for a walk then i say to mine to come with me. They may roll their eyes sometimes but have never just said no

Hard as it is, I don’t force mine. We chat over dinner or whatever, and sometimes go to the pictures or play tennis, but mostly he does his own thing. We get on really well, but he won’t be forced into walks and stuff!

I’d let him do his own thing but shared mealtimes or doing his hobby, watching him etc, that could work?

DS 16 has just declined a family night away in London as he’s said he’s spent an awful lot of time with us the last 6 months & would like the house to himself for a night! Quite difficult to argue with when you put it like that!

Ok OP here thank you for all your kind replies! Specifically, yes, we are fans of family mealtimes together and we have Friday evening Fakeaways/Takeaways with alternate family members picking a film, which we all enjoy. We often go for a cycle or walk on a Sunday too and get cake and coffee out, although DS often moans about the walking. We play Rummikub via our mobiles in the same room. DS is good for chatting to me when I drive him to his guitar classes and he loves doing baking with me, but I don't do that too often as he has a dangerously sweet tooth.

So in some ways this thread has brought me great relief as I wondered if I was failing DS by not asking him to do more stuff. Now I realise we actually do lots together, and I just need let him get on with his own stuff;the times we do have are probably enough for him. Teens are new to me as he's an only.

@sirfredfredgeorge I meant he is a very advanced 12. Amongst his group, par 3 golf is very popular!
I did play a round with him last month but we had a massive row at the 14th hole and he nearly reduced me to tears, he was that stubborn and argumentative, so I called it a day.

There is a book - hold on to your kids - that details why it is a good idea to keep your place and connection with your child to adulthood.

www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/books/dr-gabor-mate/hold-on-to-your-kids/9781785042195?keyword=&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI7ZSGhea-7AIVxbTtCh0zjgD7EAUYAiAAEgKkbPD_BwE

Def not about forcing but the importance of cultivating the relationship.

We have family meals every night, at weekends they have to join us for dog walks and twice a week for movie night x