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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be seriously angry at my parent.

27 replies

Muddledmotherhood · 18/10/2020 16:38

My daughter(4) has the guess who game, she played it with my mum and there was a black character on there and my daughter said it looked like a monkey because he has full facial hair. I was mortified(I know she didn’t mean it in a horrid way but I was still mortified) I explained to my daughter to not say that as it will upset someone if you said it to them.
So my mum has obviously then told my dad what she had said, and a few days later he’s asked her, which one did you think was the monkey and found it funny. I was sat in the room at the time and asked him 3 times to stop asking her as it was seriously inappropriate and I DO NOT want her growing up thinking that sort of thing is funny.
He then absolute lost his shit because I’d told him what to do (regarding my bloody child might I add!!) I’m so angry at him for not actually listening to a word I said about not ever mentioning it again to her. I don’t understand what it is with his generation of people thinking things like this are funny, when they f**king aren’t!

OP posts:
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 18/10/2020 16:42

next time it happens, just leave.
or if parents are at your home, insist that they leave.

WINDOLENE · 18/10/2020 17:00

Perspective here but difficult for people to change ways. They have spent decades being told its OK and now they're told is not. Stubborn, pig headed. It will take years for some people to understand the change and why its happened. Its a long, slow road. But getting angry will only reinforce his behaviour and he'll do it more (like a kid). Say it once, explain why and say no more. If child says anything.. We don't say these things, it was wrong for x to say this. Move on.

Bunnybigears · 18/10/2020 17:06

I have PIL who used derogatory words to indicate the Chinese Takeaway and the corner shop owner by an Asian gentlemen who may or may not be from Pakistan (hopefully you get what I mean without be actually typing it) when the DCs were younger I did ask them not to use language like that around them but it didn't do any good. So instead I taught DCs that some adults use words that aren't nice and that they were not to repeat them, if they didn't know if a word was OK or not to ask me and I would tell them. My kids are now 13 and 10 and never used a racist term in their lives. You can't educate pig headed racists, you can educate your children.

Krampusasbabysitter · 18/10/2020 17:18

I'd second the advice by @EveryDayIsADuvetDay. Your father reacted angrily because he has no valid excuse for his appalling behaviour.

mbosnz · 18/10/2020 17:19

I absolutely reject the suggestion that as you get older it's harder to unlearn bad behaviours or attitudes. You're just less likely to feel you ought to be the one to change. Particularly if you're the parent, and it's your adult off-spring having the 'temerity' to judge you, find you wanting, and no longer accept your 'little quirks', particularly as they pertain to their children.

Sarahsah4r4 · 18/10/2020 17:21

He then absolute lost his shit because I’d told him what to do
you embarrassed him and he flew into a rage at being called out by a subordinate

Paintedmaypole · 18/10/2020 17:34

Your father is totally unreasonable and YANBU to be very angry with him. You are being unreasonable to say, " what's the problem with that generation of people thinking things like that are funny". I suspect I may be older than your father and there is nothing funny about teaching a child that it's funny to insult someone or be racist.

BiblioX · 18/10/2020 17:36

It’s not a generational thing, it’s an unpleasant racist thing. My father was born 100 years ago and wouldn’t have dreamt of being derogatory to another or impolite to me as an adult in my own right with my own child. My mother would be in her seventies now and wouldn’t either - it was previous generations who fought for equalities in the first place so definitely not generation to be blamed.

Milkshake7489 · 18/10/2020 18:06

People can absolutely change their outdated ways... assuming they're not arseholes.

If your dad laughs at racist stereotypes in front of your daughter and shouts at you, don't let her be around him.

Milkshake7489 · 18/10/2020 18:11

Sorry just realised that my post sounds a bit judgemental...

The gist is, YANBU to be angry at all.

Nottherealslimshady · 18/10/2020 18:17

Keep telling him everytime he says something inappropriate in front of her. It's not just about knowing not to say things but also standing up to people who are racist/homophobic etc.
PILs are terribly homophobic, transphobic and islamophobic. I dont care how many times I have to say it, I will not sit quietly while they talk about "them Muslims coming here and wearing them masks" and I think its important for children to see their parents standing up for their beliefs.
Your dad was in the wrong, explain to your daughter that grandad got angry because mummy challenged him for saying something nasty and he didnt like it but that doesn't mean we let people say nasty things.

Groovinpeanut · 18/10/2020 18:18

You're Dad is wrong in his racist behaviour. He's also very disrespectful of your parenting if he loses his temper because you've asked him to stop leading your DD into racist territory regarding the game.
What kind of example is he setting in both of those instances?

Etinox · 18/10/2020 18:19

@WINDOLENE

Perspective here but difficult for people to change ways. They have spent decades being told its OK and now they're told is not. Stubborn, pig headed. It will take years for some people to understand the change and why its happened. Its a long, slow road. But getting angry will only reinforce his behaviour and he'll do it more (like a kid). Say it once, explain why and say no more. If child says anything.. We don't say these things, it was wrong for x to say this. Move on.
Unless ops father is 100 or has been in a coma for 50 years that’s just not true. I can very distinctly recall conversations 48 years ago about kind and appropriate vocabulary when taking about race. OPFlowers
mbosnz · 18/10/2020 18:22

Also, my father was as racist as all get out, and he would never ridicule a person of another race, or use racist language. And would tear us a new one if he'd ever heard us do such a thing. Even racists can have standards. . .

VinylDetective · 18/10/2020 18:24

@BiblioX

It’s not a generational thing, it’s an unpleasant racist thing. My father was born 100 years ago and wouldn’t have dreamt of being derogatory to another or impolite to me as an adult in my own right with my own child. My mother would be in her seventies now and wouldn’t either - it was previous generations who fought for equalities in the first place so definitely not generation to be blamed.
This. My dad would have been 104 now. He served in India during the war and was appalled by some of the racist crap people come out with.
tiredybear · 18/10/2020 18:24

YANBU. You cannot control what he does, unfortunately. But you can and absolutely should call him out on it EVERY SINGLE TIME. This is an excellent example to set to your daughter, to speak out against racism, no matter who it is.

MiddlesexGirl · 18/10/2020 18:29

You are 99% nbu. I give 1% because sometimes it's hard to keep up with which words are acceptable and which aren't. I think I must have been one of the last to realise that the word you allude to is not OK. I still don't really know why - it's just an abbreviation - but I do know it's unacceptable to use.
So yes, sometimes it's ignorance. But no excuse once informed. And if your parent can't accept that they are wrong then I'd lose some respect for them.

JenniferSantoro · 18/10/2020 18:46

This is not a generational thing. It’s a being a complete dick thing.

ViciousJackdaw · 18/10/2020 18:48

YANBU. When I was 5 or 6, I was taken to Chester Zoo and absolutely loved the chimpanzees. That evening, a black man came on the tv. I announced to Mum & Dad that he looked just like one of the chimps. Never in my life have I had a bigger bollocking than the one I received from DM that evening.

Nanny0gg · 18/10/2020 18:49

He then absolute lost his shit because I’d told him what to do (regarding my bloody child might I add!!) I’m so angry at him for not actually listening to a word I said about not ever mentioning it again to her. I don’t understand what it is with his generation of people thinking things like this are funny, when they fking aren’t!

Just because your father is a racist, please don't label the rest of us.

It's nothing to do with 'his generation' . It's because he's a twat.

Nanny0gg · 18/10/2020 18:50

@MiddlesexGirl

You are 99% nbu. I give 1% because sometimes it's hard to keep up with which words are acceptable and which aren't. I think I must have been one of the last to realise that the word you allude to is not OK. I still don't really know why - it's just an abbreviation - but I do know it's unacceptable to use. So yes, sometimes it's ignorance. But no excuse once informed. And if your parent can't accept that they are wrong then I'd lose some respect for them.
It really, really isn't that hard to keep up at all.
ememem84 · 18/10/2020 18:51

Similar problem here. Dparents kept a toy I had when I was little - a little tikes school car road set with almost weebles and waffle bricks.

One of the weeble people is black. Ddad refers to him as the “drug dealer”

I’m super annoyed at this and have asked him numerous times to stop. Now I just ignore it. Because giving it attention seems to exacerbate the issue.

Ds has named the character oscar. So we just call him that now. But it still bugs me.

corythatwas · 18/10/2020 18:54

If your dd is 4, then I don't suppose your dad is that old? Even if he was born in the 50s, he'd still have been a young man, so perfectly able to change his views on that score, in the 70s and 80s. I was around in those days and we knew calling people monkeys was offensive and wrong. There were plenty of racist twats around, but they were people who chose to be racist twats, not people who had never heard of an alternative.

pigsDOfly · 18/10/2020 18:58

I don't understand what it is with his generation of people thinking things like this are funny, when they fking aren't!

Well, I suppose I could ask why your generation thinks it's okay to make sweeping, ageist statements about older generations and assume they're all racist arseholes, OP

But I wouldn't because that would be silly and would be making the assumption that every different generation has a herd mind and all think the same.

It's got nothing to do with his generation, it's all to do with him being a nasty racist.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 18/10/2020 19:02

@Sarahsah4r4

He then absolute lost his shit because I’d told him what to do you embarrassed him and he flew into a rage at being called out by a subordinate
This

He is out of order, completely. Don't expect him to ever admit to it or change his ways, he sounds like the sort of person who cannot bear to display the humility needed to be a person who is open to learning.

It isnt generational, there are people like this in every generation.

Stay calm and keep calling him out. Keep explaining to DD that adults sometimes say nasty things, and that doesn't mean it's OK to say them herself. Be sure to ask her, regularly, how she would feel if someone compared her to an animal based on her looks. She will get the message over time.