Feeling quite upset, mother thinks im being unreasonable.

[aibubrotherandsisterinlaw]

Backstory: My mother is a compulsive liar and a narcissist although as she is now elderly and my mother we still keep in contact. My mother and father split up years and years ago however before they split up I caught my dad having an affair which I kept to myself for a very long time but like all family secrets it came out eventually through someone else but I also agreed it had happened. My brother seems to have taken exception to this and every christmas/easter/birthday or anytime he has a few drinks he brings it up but calls me a liar and says it never happened. I am of the opinion that continuing to ask the same question and look for a different answer is a totally pointless thing to do but he does it. ALL THE TIME. Most recently xmas last year and then again my birthday in July. We have always talked about it when he is sober but I am tired of it and it came to a head last month and I begged my dad to come clean and stop making me out to be a liar and I was assured this had happened however when I asked my brother about it I got a load of abuse and was blocked on social media and his phone etc. Under current restrictions he lives too far from me to go to the house to contact him.

So today, my mother rings me with the great news that my brother and sister in law are going to have a baby. They have been trying for a long time and this would be the first other baby in the family bar mine. She says he rang her and stepdad second after contacting SIL family and then my father and apparently put it up on instagram after that. I got so upset that my brother or SIL did not have the decency to tell me themselves and that I had to find out through a third party today - most notably the woman who has pitted us against each other all of our lives (im her scapegoat child, he is her golden child) and my mother of course started a fight with me telling me I have no right to feel hurt or humiliated and that I need to just suck it up. My heart breaks in all this because I get on really well with SIL and aside from the drunken rants from my brother we are very close so I feel I am the last to know and that really does upset me. So - have I a right to be upset or not? I cannot help my emotions but I just want to know if I am being overly sensitive to the situation? For context when I had my child my brother was the first person I told - even before the childs father and my brother is my childs godfather too.

I would be the bigger person and send a congratulations on their news card

YANBU to be upset but the less you have to do with any of these people, the better.

What @SengaMac said. They all sound as bad as each other, detach!

If you get on with SIL as you say then congratulate her and not your brother.

I agree with others. I would be the bigger person and send a card to congratulate them.

You need to stop expecting your Mother to be any different and someone who you can share your feelings with. I had a really superficial relationship with my Mother because she was similar.

Your Parents are the issue and it's a shame that you and your Brother can't agree on that and just let things go.

There's tension between you and he probably didn't want that to sour how happy they are. Try to see both sides.

YABU to make them having a baby about you. It's not about you. YANBU to be upset that they didn't tell you but YABU for your first thought to be to pity yourself instead of be happy for them.

You told your brother you were expecting a baby before the father?!
I can understand why you’re upset but I would send a text congratulating your SIL and leave it at that.

@CallmeMrsScavo My first thought was to be delighted for them but then I got upset at it being my mum who told me and not him.

@PinkiOcelot yes but the father and I had split up. He is still not around.

Thank you all for your words. I contacted SIL last night firstly to make sure it was true as my mum is not known for her telling of the truth and when she confirmed it I congratulated them both and left it at that. I am allowed I think to be both delighted for their news and upset that I found out through a third party I think.

I think you are making a lot of something and have some unusual ideas about who should tell who about a pregnancy and when. In particular I am thinking if you telling your brother before your own baby’s father.

I agree you can be pleased for them and still feel upset about your mother.
Since when did people send congratulations cards on hearing of a pregnancy? (Ref pp, not OP)

@Florencex bit hard to tell someone who has blocked your phone number lol When I eventually tracked him down he said he wanted nothing to do with the baby anyway so it would have made no odds.

@Sunsetdawn I am glad now that my mother did tell me because I have messages on facebook this morning from family in australia congratulating me on being an auntie so can you imagine my surprise had she not told me. Im still very upset that i was the last to know but i wish them all the best. I just hope I get to meet the baby.

I can understand why you are upset and it can feel like a bit of a slap in the face, but at the end of the day, I don't think this is a battle you will win and unless you want to fall out with the whole family, I suggest you let it go and be congratulatory and supportive.

You all sound as bad as each other tbh.

Tbh it was down to you're dbro and sil to tell you they didn't so you can't be as close to them aswell you stated. Me Dbro and Sil told me and shared scan pics but we speak all the time. As for with holding information about youre df having an affair was wrong and I would be annoyed with a sibling if they knew information like that. Stop making a drama when it should be exciting news for youre siing youre mother is correct its about them not you.

If every person they know isn't personally told are they allowed to sulk?

Perhaps they were tired after the already at least 3 phone calls they had already made.

They've tried for this baby for a long time you said. Just be happy for them and carry on with your life.

You need to accept that both your parents are the ones badly behaved and have caused this.

Your DB is very damaged, he cannot handle the truth about what happened...

I would disengage from your parents altogether they are both nasty selfish people. It's very sad you didn't do that before it cost you your relationship with DB.

Continue contact with SIL and hope your DB gets over himself. He doesn't sound nice when drinking either...

Some very strong opinions on here!

If i disengage with my parents I have nobody else if my brother wants nothing to do with us unfortunately. We have no other family this side of the world and with covid and everything me and my child are fairly isolated anyway. I do know they are toxic for what it is worth.

I have sent my congrats now anyway and gotten sent a picture of the scan so I do now feel part of things but I was humiliated to find that everyone else knew before me, his only sister. I am still upset but nothing can be done now.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to me x

You told your brother you were pregnant before the baby's father. That is seriously odd.

This baby is theirs and they can tell who they like. It's not up to you.

Hi @aibubrotherandsisterinlaw. I'm very familiar with the role of scapegoat and it's taken many,many years to grow a rhino skin against my parents attitude towards me. Your parents are not going to change so this is your only option.

I'm so pleased that you're being drawn into your family circle and congratulations on becoming an aunt!

I don't understand people's "expectations" to be told about someone else's pregnancy at all. They can do what they like. Surely you wouldn't be top of their list if there's such tension between you and your DB. You and him should sit down at the earliest opportunity and clear the air, calmly. I think you and him are potentially too involved in the issues between your parents and also these are things from the past. You all need to have an honest conversation and move on.

a) I'm not sure how you expected your brother to tell you when he has blocked you on everything? If he's gone no contact then why would he contact you? Maybe if your relationship were going well, he would have called you, but given that he'd not on speaking terms with you it's hardly surprising.

b) Even in an 'ordinary' family with none of the messed up dynamics, I don't see a problem with siblings finding out about pregancy through parents. Sounds perfectly normal to me. I certainly wouldn't be ringing round every extended family member individually, I'd tell both sets of parents and then expect them to pass it on to all the siblings and rest of the family.

Fair enough I just thought maybe they would even have allowed me to know through our mum before posting it on instagram for everyone else to know before me but then maybe i hold myself in higher esteem than they do.

@aibubrotherandsisterinlaw

Fair enough I just thought maybe they would even have allowed me to know through our mum before posting it on instagram for everyone else to know before me but then maybe i hold myself in higher esteem than they do.

Well, yes, I would hope so. It's natural that you would hold yourself in higher esteem than someone who has gone non-contact with you over your behaviour would do.

I'm not saying your behaviour was wrong or your brother's right, but if you look at it from his POV then he thinks you've done some seriously out of order, enough to warrant ending your relationship over. So obviously you hold yourself in higher esteem than he does.

This wouldn't bother me to be honest and think your family dynamics are clouding your thoughts on this.