Feeling quite upset, mother thinks im being unreasonable.

[aibubrotherandsisterinlaw]

Backstory: My mother is a compulsive liar and a narcissist although as she is now elderly and my mother we still keep in contact. My mother and father split up years and years ago however before they split up I caught my dad having an affair which I kept to myself for a very long time but like all family secrets it came out eventually through someone else but I also agreed it had happened. My brother seems to have taken exception to this and every christmas/easter/birthday or anytime he has a few drinks he brings it up but calls me a liar and says it never happened. I am of the opinion that continuing to ask the same question and look for a different answer is a totally pointless thing to do but he does it. ALL THE TIME. Most recently xmas last year and then again my birthday in July. We have always talked about it when he is sober but I am tired of it and it came to a head last month and I begged my dad to come clean and stop making me out to be a liar and I was assured this had happened however when I asked my brother about it I got a load of abuse and was blocked on social media and his phone etc. Under current restrictions he lives too far from me to go to the house to contact him.

So today, my mother rings me with the great news that my brother and sister in law are going to have a baby. They have been trying for a long time and this would be the first other baby in the family bar mine. She says he rang her and stepdad second after contacting SIL family and then my father and apparently put it up on instagram after that. I got so upset that my brother or SIL did not have the decency to tell me themselves and that I had to find out through a third party today - most notably the woman who has pitted us against each other all of our lives (im her scapegoat child, he is her golden child) and my mother of course started a fight with me telling me I have no right to feel hurt or humiliated and that I need to just suck it up. My heart breaks in all this because I get on really well with SIL and aside from the drunken rants from my brother we are very close so I feel I am the last to know and that really does upset me. So - have I a right to be upset or not? I cannot help my emotions but I just want to know if I am being overly sensitive to the situation? For context when I had my child my brother was the first person I told - even before the childs father and my brother is my childs godfather too.

I am not sure what behaviour of mine could be wrong. My brother doesnt want to believe my father cheated and would prefer to call me a liar rather than see the truth. My only wrong doing was admitting I knew when it all came out. It happened over 30 years ago and it came to light about 7 years ago so by now I thought he would just stop arguing about it. I cant lie and take it back!

I also was not aware that our relationship was over. He has done this to me many times and then apologised for his behaviour but just not this time. Anyway its done now. They cannot unhurt me and i cannot stop feeling hurt about it all. If you have ever been the victim of a narcissist you will know what it is like to be the scapegoat so even if i wasnt this time I am sure I will be again. Maybe i need to go no contact with all of them for my own sanity.

But you were dishonest? Holding such a major thing a secret for so many years doesn't make you look like a trustworthy person at all. I'd be very disappointed if my siblings did that, but maybe that's just me.

I was a child and had been manipulated into thinking what i saw was not in fact what i saw. It all came to light that i did actually see what i thought i saw 7 years back when someone else said they had witnessed the same thing.

Anyway thanks all for the responses. I need to go back to my usual username and right now my head is so addled that I cannot be going back and forth between so will not post on here again. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Sorry OP but if my DB treated me like that I would go minimal contact. Learn to accept the situation for what it is and stop setting yourself up for disappointment - and I mean that kindly. I also come from a small family and I know it hurts sometimes.

I would have minimal contact with your DM if I was you, and try to be in contact with SIL instead of DB as much as possible.

Sorry your family is messy.
Things like this are upsetting but to be realistic, your brother has made his feelings clear over the years. He might be wrong in thinking you’re a liar but how do you expect to change that now? He didn’t want to tell you, he knew your mother would. That shouldn’t have been a surprise.

It’s a lot of energy to be shocked and hurt. Do you have that energy to spare? When the baby comes you are going to be sidelined and ignored again: how will you prepare for that?

I’m not trying to be harsh, I just think there are things here you can’t change. YOU can absolutely lower your expectations though, to protect yourself. Ditto you saying you need them because there’s nobody else to be family. These people aren’t your family, they’re just people whose treatment of you is poor.

My goodness you sound like Hard Work.

Humiliated because he didn’t contact you directly to say his wife is pregnant? That’s a completely disproportionate response even if you were on friendly or close terms right now.

Fighting years after your parents have split and moved on with their lives about if he did or didn’t cheat? Who cares? It makes no difference now.

Stop being so dramatic about it all. You’re teaching your children some really unhealthy family dynamics.

If you’re unhappy with how your parents behave disengage. Go low contact, or no contact or just get yourself some boundaries. Stop revelling in the drama of it all.

Accept you don’t have a close relationship with your brother. Keep the lines of communication open if you like, but he doesn’t owe you the type of sibling relationship you want.

Start modelling some healthy relationships and behaviours for your child. Consider some counselling for yourself.

I have a somewhat strained relationship with my brother, so I too would be hurt not to be told directly about such significant news.

But that is done, are you going to harbor the disappointment - especially now that you've been included in scan pic etc? I think you need to let that go, and move forward and enjoy the pregnancy in order to keep a relationship with them & the baby.

With my brother, many things have been let go that I would love to challenge him about - but I won't get the satisfaction of an apology or acknowledgement he was wrong, he'll just disagree and disengage. And I will be left more upset and without a relationship with his children. So, for family harmony I suck it up. But if it went over "a line" I wouldn't, so it depends whether this is the line for you, or whether you can let it go.

With respect to him disagreeing over what you saw, just snip the conversation if it comes up, just agree to disagree, he's not going to convince you you didn't see XYZ and he's not going to believe you did see it.

I am nc with my dm. My world didn't combust.
In fact it's very much stress free now.
Your dc do not need such a dgm or an uncle who has such venom towards you.
Your df is a spineless twat.

Thanks @Jenny70 I actually contacted him last night to congratulate him. I would love to sit down properly and talk one to one and him sober about everything but it wont happen. He doesnt want to discuss it and then gets a few drinks in and it is all he wants to discuss if you get me but I have removed myself and my child from the situation many a time because I won't have my son around conflict of any sort.
Like you I will never get the apology I am owed - well I have once or twice but if you constantly bring the same stuff up then clearly you were not sorry to begin with if you get me - but as he is my brother and only sibling I have just let it go.

I have not received a response from my brother but I am glad I reached out now to both of them and have done all I can which is congratulate them on the wonderful news. It is a shame we are not closer as we were once best of friends but I guess we drifted as we got older and then all the stuff about my parents got dredged up. It has taught me never to be in his company again when he is drinking for sure and with this baby on the way I am hoping he gives up the drink as he is not a nasty person by nature.

@GemmeFatale it was the humiliation of it being publicly on instagram before I knew. Read the full thread if you are going to jump in with nasty comments.

Let the baby bring you together. Next time your argument is mentioned tell him your relationship means too much to get into it and agree to disagree. Being 'right' isn't worth falling out with your family over.

What do you get out of these relationships with your father, mother and brother.

How much angst do they cause you when you are in contact with them.

Your father was never going to tell your brother what happened because then he would have to admit his wrong in front of someone who loves the facade he has carefully woven over the years
Far better for you to be the liar and he keeps his relationship with his son “unsullied”

Your mother as you say keeps you in a scapegoat role and your brother has a drinking problem.
If you only see him a few times per year and he gets drunk and upset and starts telling you that you are a liar and ruins each occasion

What do you think is going to happen this or next Christmas/Birthday (Covid aside) if your brother still isn’t speaking to you and your father is still keeping up the pretence.

I would say that you aren’t as close with your family as you think you are and this incident has brought it to the surface that you are the outsider.

I can understand why it would make you upset if you thought that you and your brother were close.
It might only be because of this one thing but your brother I think is looking for an excuse to sound off.
It must make family get togethers at the very least quite boring and predictable.

Concentrate on your own dc and make them the centre of your world and look after yourself.
Look at what you want to do with your life and get on with it and go at least LC with these people who aren’t by the sounds of it adding anything positive to your life

God this gave me a headache, you all seem to love the drama and want to find a reason to be ‘upset’ with each other. Bloody hell, life is too short! I suggest you all grow up

@Oliversmumsarmy I think you have hit the nail on the head. Thank you for your response, it has given me food for thought definitely.

But you're NC with your brother at the moment and he's blocked you? Why do you think he would break that just for a baby since there is a whole history of strife between you two and your mother.

You will know for yourself how much contact you think you can have with your brother - but how is it going to go at, say, the christening if you're invited? and your bro has a couple of drinks and starts on about you being a liar again?

We are not no contact just low contact! he had his last hissy in July but we actually spoke again in sept as he had offered to take my child out somewhere prior to this and we both wanted to keep to it. I would never withhold my child from family and my brother was happy to take him and by all accounts they had a great day and we have had small contact since so not no contact just not a lot of contact but then we both work full time and have busy lives too. He has not got me blocked as he has seen the congrats message i sent yesterday so thats something.

Not sure about a christening but I would not imagine he would drink at his own childs day out no more than I drank the day of my childs christening. i would hope not anyway but then I would not be drinking so could leave anytime if the situation did arise.

i think you need to evaluate what you want out of the relationship. From your posts here i can't work out what you get out of it.

In your OP you indicate you keep contact with your mother just because she's a relative. You don't have to do that.

What I would love is a peaceful, harmonious life and relationship with my family but as the years go by I am realising this is not what I am going to get and it hurts me not only for me but for my child too who has no other family either.

If your child is seeing all this aggravation going on, is it worth them being involved with the rest of your family?

The peaceful happy life you want is never going to happen with these people, so you need to have as little contact with them as possible, imo.

@aibubrotherandsisterinlaw

What I would love is a peaceful, harmonious life and relationship with my family but as the years go by I am realising this is not what I am going to get and it hurts me not only for me but for my child too who has no other family either.

Think a lot of us can sympathise with this. I have a very messed-up family too (worse than this) and you look back at happier times, nothing like it is now, and it’s natural to want that ease again.

Unfortunately families are just too complex and half the time people don’t know why they react as they do anyway, far less are they able to analyse it and talk it through.

If there’s a glimmer of consideration for you, then perhaps it’s worth your energy. If not, you can be detached without any aggression or drama necessary.

I worked out that my dad’s treated me badly in the past but there are times when he’s gone all out to consider my feelings. It’s not easy but I don’t give up on him. My mother however is just a liar and a selfish person, no hope for me there so we’re down to nearly zero contact, no drama. Work out if your brother cares about you, then protect yourself before the baby arrives if you can calmly see that he doesn’t, because he can’t change and your feelings of exclusion will really sting then. Best to be prepared and rational than cling onto a hope for a reset of what sounds like a relationship that’s broken down and that is compounded by his boozing.

I don’t think it is about the brother caring or not caring about aibubrotherandsisterinlaw

I wonder if this goes deeper. That your brother and mother are just buying into the facade of your father only later on having an affair (When it became too much to ignore and was outed by someone else) and that the early family life that you all had was based on a lie and you insisting that he had been with the OW much earlier shatters that belief and for your brother makes his happy secure childhood based on a lie and your mother think that she was gullible to not notice (or she did notice) that her husband was playing away.

Or she knew that you knew hence the lying and the type of relationship you have with her

You are the fly in the ointment that brings the creation of the family history crashing down and are a reminder to all of them that you know the truth

Where does the person who outed it all figure in this. Are they still a close friend or someone who was dropped from their friendship group

@aibubrotherandsisterinlaw

What I would love is a peaceful, harmonious life and relationship with my family but as the years go by I am realising this is not what I am going to get and it hurts me not only for me but for my child too who has no other family either.

I really feel for you. Desiring a loving relationship with your family despite them being so Negative is totally understandable. We all crave a feeling of belonging and love. It sounds like they have treated you terribly and there are some really negative dynamics within your family that have developed over a long time. Unfortunately I think the chance of your family changing is probably very small and so it is you who will need to alter the relationship with them into something that is less harmful to you. How do they treat your child?

I wonder that, rather than focusing on going no contact (though I think it might be good for you), you should focus on increasing contact and time with the positive people in your life. So maybe just talk to your SIL by messages and not your brother, maybe make extra effort to communicate with friends, maybe invite an acquaintance you like out for a coffee so a friendship might bloom.

I think it’ll be easier to minimise contact with the negative people if you develop a wider support network.

Near me there is a Facebook group for people wanting to make friends and I know there are some apps that link mums Wanting more friends up with other mums. Maybe see if there are any exercise classes or groups local to you. Thinks that you could be proactive about to try and improve the situation.

@aibubrotherandsisterinlaw my heart goes out to you as I can see how painful this is for you.

There is an existence for you and your child that is fulfilling and loving and peaceful and harmonious. It is one of the hardest things I have done and continue to do but it is also hugely rewarding and meaningful. That is to create this life for yourself free - truly free - from the toxic patterns you have imprinted.

I saw a great book recommended on here called "adult children of emotionally immature parents". Please consider reading it. It helped me enormously.

Why aren’t you angrier with your brother? He treats you like shit.