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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP has really poor hygiene

35 replies

BigMC93 · 18/10/2020 10:56

My DP is suffering with depression and doesn't shower very often and his breathe has a bit if a bad smell to it. I know I might sound horrible for saying this, but it's really putting me off him....

He's WFH at the moment, and the company he works for don't really give him any work, therefore he really doesn't have plenty of time on his hands. I understand that with depression even getting a shower seems like hard work, but he once went a week without showering and I just find it really off putting. His hygiene has never been amazing in the sense that he would wait until he started to smell to have a shower which still isn't great, but I was able to look past it. However, ever since he's started suffering with depression about 2 months ago, it's been even worse! He expects me to have sex with him and I seriously can't bring myself to do it. I've spoken to him when he told mentioned he "was going for a shower because [he] hadn't showered in a week", and I asked him to try and shower every day like I do, but do it at a certain time as routine might help him, however, nothing has improved.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

BigMC93 · 18/10/2020 10:57

*he has plenty of time on his hands

OP posts:

Lockheart · 18/10/2020 10:58

What help is he getting for his depression?

Personal care is often one of the first things to go when people are depressed.

Telling him to have a shower is not going to solve this problem in the long term, he needs help to get his mental health back on track.

VictoriaBun · 18/10/2020 10:59

No shower regularly - no sex regularly. Also Google plaque build-up on teeth can lead to heart disease , that should get him brushing.

Original poster

BigMC93 · 18/10/2020 10:59

Sorry I should have mentioned, he's seeing a therapist and on antidepressants!

OP posts:

Lockheart · 18/10/2020 11:00

@VictoriaBun

No shower regularly - no sex regularly. Also Google plaque build-up on teeth can lead to heart disease , that should get him brushing.

Not if he's depressed it won't.

GroundAlmonds · 18/10/2020 11:01

Realistically, if someone is too depressed to shower “ask[ing] him to try and shower every day like I do, but do it at a certain time as routine might help him” is not going to work.

Refusing to have sex with him when he’s smelly is perfectly reasonable. What treatment is her getting for his depression?

GroundAlmonds · 18/10/2020 11:01

@BigMC93

Sorry I should have mentioned, he's seeing a therapist and on antidepressants!

X post.

You probably need to give the treatment time. Two months isn’t long.

Porcupineinwaiting · 18/10/2020 11:02

He expects me to have sex with him

Seriously? I hope you mean he expects you to want to have sex with him - in which case you can explain to him that you find his lack of personal hygiene a turn off. You dont owe him sex under any circumstances.

Is he getting any help for this depression. I'd be pretty suspicious of someone who hasn't got the energy for washing but is up for sex personally.

Lockheart · 18/10/2020 11:03

@BigMC93

Sorry I should have mentioned, he's seeing a therapist and on antidepressants!

Ok, that's good! How long has he been on this treatment?

It can take quite a while for things to resolve - you mention 2 months in your OP which is really quite a short period of time.

Perhaps ask him to address the showering issue directly with his therapist at the next session, they might be able to suggest some homework which could begin to address this.

Redlocks28 · 18/10/2020 11:03

Depression is a hard one to deal with and there are no quick fixes unfortunately.

The sex would be a quick fix though. I would explain v clearly that I wouldn’t be having sex with him if he didn’t wash regularly-he can ‘expect’ what he liked but it just wouldn’t be happening.

That’s his choice, but he would have to understand that the sex not happening was as a direct result of him choosing not to wash. His choice.

Savemyusername01 · 18/10/2020 11:04

You need to very direct with him and definitely do not have sex if he has not showered and tell him why you are refusing.

Tbh though, I don’t find telling someone to improve their hygiene actually makes any difference at all sorry.

Notcontent · 18/10/2020 11:04

Sounds like it has always been a bit of an issue, but now made worse by his depression.

I know this is a bit of a controversial issue, but I think most adults need to have a quick shower once daily. Yes, there are some people who, because of their genetic make up, don’t really sweat or smell, but that’s quite rare...

I think you should encourage him to get help, but in the meantime it is possible for you to sleep in a separate bedroom? You should not have to put up with this, as it’s not pleasant.

InFiveMins · 18/10/2020 11:09

I have been in this position sadly.

What worked was having a very small checklist of things I needed to do for the day - ticking them off made me feel a bit better and it gave me structure that I needed.

Livelovebehappy · 18/10/2020 11:33

Surely he should be self aware enough, even when depressed, that he smells and no sane person would want to have sex with him because of it? I would be absolutely clear with him that no daily shower = no intimacy.

Lorw · 18/10/2020 11:37

Working from home will not be helping him, as someone who used to be very depressed I found having structure and a ‘check list’ as it were helped me,

Doing the same thing every day and having a need to get up and shower and brush my hair really did help.

I know you are struggling with this, just continue to support him like you have been and hopefully he will give himself a kick up the arse (which is also what I had to do) 😁

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 18/10/2020 12:00

Surprised he is up for sex if he is struggling to shower and brush his teeth, especially as antidepressants can lower your sex drive.

Tell him firmly but gently that he needs to have a shower and brush his teeth because he is starting to smell. Set out a towel, shower gel, clean clothes etc, put some upbeat music on and set a timer for 10/15 minutes, in which time he needs to shower, brush teeth and get dressed. Tell him he will feel a little bit better afterwards, and hopefully he will.

Second @Lorw that structure and checklists/routines are really helpful when you are depressed.

vanillandhoney · 18/10/2020 12:04

It's totally understandable that he's struggling, but you don't need to stay with someone with depression if you don't want to.

Coffeecak3 · 18/10/2020 12:10

I agree with @Hobnobsandbroomstick. Very unusual for someone so depressed he won’t shower to still want sex.
I think hygiene has never been important to him and the depression has compounded this.
I wouldn’t even share a bed with someone who was smelly. Yuk!

BGDino · 18/10/2020 13:24

Unfortunately depression and I are very well acquainted.

At my worst, having a shower and brushing my teeth were just too hard. My DH would physically undress me, walk me to the shower and turn on the water. If I didn’t shower I couldn’t come to sleep in bed because the bed was clean and I wouldn’t be. To get me to brush my teeth he had to walk me to the bathroom, put the toothpaste on the brush and hand it to me. He hated doing both but did it as he knew I was so unwell I was incapable of doing it myself. At the time I was far too depressed to feel any embarrassment, shame or anger, now when I look back on it I feel sadness that he had to do it but gratitude that he did.

Sex wasn’t even on the radar for me.

Luckily for both of us I’ve eventually gotten onto the right combination of medication and therapy, and we are now happy FTP to DD 3 months

Asterion · 18/10/2020 13:26

Treat him like a toddler - don't give him a choice.

Each day, say "Have you had your shower yet? Because I need to [insert something here]". In other words, the starting point is that he will be having a shower that day.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 18/10/2020 16:26

His hygiene has never been amazing in the sense that he would wait until he started to smell to have a shower which still isn't great, but I was able to look past it

That's the main problem right there. He's always been a revolting soap dodger yet, for some reason, you decided to have a relationship with him. What is his motivation to change when you put up with it? What respect does he have for you if he still expects you to have sex with him even when he's unclean? Of course, now he's suffering from depression it would seem "unkind" to address the problem too strongly so it's going to be harder. You've asked him nicely and that hasn't worked so bar ripping him a new one or dumping him your options are limited.

HyaluronicHippo · 18/10/2020 16:38

I’d be uncomfortable sharing a bed with someone unclean.

How does he express his expectation for having sex?

Plussizejumpsuit · 18/10/2020 17:44

How long has he been depressed and on medication for it?

LockdownLump · 18/10/2020 17:47

His depression means he can't bring himself to have a shower, but he has the energy for a shag?

CorianderLord · 18/10/2020 17:49

He doesn't have to every day surely? Every few days should suffice unless he's a very sweaty person or overweight.

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