My grandmother died and I don’t know what to do

[Whatageisit]

I’m not sure what I’m asking for, I’m an atheist and I don’t believe in god. I had a rough childhood and my nan was a shining light throughout it all. My nan didn’t have anything at all to her name and she didn’t have to look after me, but she did and she was my anchor and I know I would not be here if it wasn’t for her. I went to my nannys grave and I spoke to her, I talked in the silly and loving ways that we once did together, but she’s not there and I felt empty.

I am struggling and all I want to do is go and stay with my nanny again. I held her as she died and told her to go and be with her loved ones again, that they were waiting, that there was no need to be afraid. My nanny loved fairies and angels, she believed in them her entire life.. I keep certain flowers from her garden that I have transplanted but anyway I don’t believe that there is anything more, what do you do to find peace when you don’t believe in the afterlife and therefore will never meet a much cherished person again? I don’t give a damn if I will live for a while or not but my god the thought that my nan is now.. nothing. And well.. I need her arms around me.

Can someone help me with this?

If we were simply our physical bodies then yes she would be gone but the reality is she is more than that, you know that. She lives in your mind and heart and as long as she is remembered then she exists.

You are no more correct in not believing in the afterlife than she is in believing. You don't know, neither does she. Perhaps she was right after all. Enjoy her memory, imagine she is there with you laughing at the things you used to laugh at and watching your favourite films with you. There are three options 1) it's nonsense but comforting 2) actually her being there in your heart means she's there in a sense of spirit 3) she's actually there because there is an afterlife
.either way it's more of a comfort to imagine she's there than try and reason that she's not.

Let go of the supposedly rational idea that she can't possibly be there in any sense and just enjoy her memory and feeling that she might be there in spirit. Talk to her, laugh with her and enjoy her memory.

I'd like to add that I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope my post came across as positive as that was how it was meant, in one way or another your nanny will always be there with you. That isn't just true for those with religion, it's true for athiests too!

Im so sorry. I miss my nanny so much.

I'm sorry for your loss

Its very hard losing someone you love and it can take a long time to come to terms with the fact that you will never get to see them again. Think of all of the good times that you shared with your Nanny and that she knew just how much you loved her. It will get easier, you just have to give it time and allow yourself to grieve.

I'm so sorry about your grandmother. I was very close to both of mine as well, and I understand how you're feeling. All we and you can do is to be so grateful for the time we had with them, and know they would want us to move forward and have happy lives. Your granny would not want you to mourn her, she would want you to celebrate the time you had together.

What makes you so sure there is no life after death?

Actually nobody knows. Nobody, anywhere, knows.

What a wonderful woman your Nan sounds @Whatageisit. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't believe in God or Jesus but I do believe in the natural world and Physics and that our existence is much more complex than we can imagine. Your Nan's energy exists still. And your memories and experiences and the healing and nurturing she gave you all exist. All in very real ways. I have experienced loss and some days I can hardly breathe and cry so hard and others I can laugh and chat to them as if nothing has changed.

Speak to her, visit her in places you went together or to her grave, write to her, read to her. Share stories about her. You can hold your love and her love close to you always.

I'm so sorry OP, what an amazing thing to have been with her when she died. My Nan was an absolute rock during my childhood too and I still miss her comfort. Do you have a partner? You just sound like you want to be held.

It sounds like you don't necessarily hold
a lot of the same beliefs as her but somehow holding on to some of those rituals may help you to feel that she is still here. The odd occasion I go to church I feel close to my Nan. I also have a candle that she used to have as a night light when she was a child before the days of electricity. I have to admit I think if I actually lit it I'd be overwhelmed with sadness. I can definitely take joy from the happy memories though. Do you keep a journal? Writing some of this down might help x

I heard something once that said we all die three times. The first is a physical death. The second when the last person who knew us dies. The final time is the last time we, or anything we did or created, is mentioned.

Your nan was clearly a very special person. As others have said, she still lives in you and what you learned from her. My grandmother died 38 years ago when I was just 12. We were very close and sometimes I still stop to think what she would say. And I always know. That love will last your whole life

I am very sorry for your loss. It is truly heartbreaking. I also think that for myself I know and accept that death will come, it’s inevitable and something we all need to expect and try to accept for ourselves and our loved ones as hard as I may sound. I would hate for any of my family to suffer like this I would want them to have good memories and carry on enjoying the fuck out of life.
Your Nan obviously had a life filled with love from you and that is what you need to focus on.
As someone that loved you I am sure she would not want you to be suffering so much. You should get some bereavement counselling to come to terms with your loss and just to answer your question I have seen enough in my job to personally believe there is something else but whether there is or not your nan is in peace, had lots of love from you and please now take time to look after yourself.

I am so sorry that you have lost your nanny. There must be such a void in your life when she was such an important person for you. Whilst you will never see your nanny again, the memories you of her will continue to be real and present for you. She will always continue to be with you in this way.

I could have written your post 3 years ago.
Your Nanny gave you the wonderful gift of unconditional love that might not have otherwise had.

It's so bitter and difficult, losing someone so close and knowing your rough childhood robbed you of having your mother-figure in your life for as long as you needed her. I still feel a lot of resentment towards my mother over this.

It's so hard lovely, it will always hurt but it will get better. I still miss my Nan every day, when things get tough I wish I could turn up at her house for a cuddle and a chat like I always used to. When things were really tough she'd get the whisky out 🤭 I know she would have loved to watch my daughters grow up and they'd have loved her too.

Please take it easy on yourself, and don't listen to anyone who tells you she was 'just' a grandparent. Xx

Your nan will never be nothing, because she helped shaped the person you are. I don’t want to pry into the difficulties you had when you were younger, but it sounds like she made life happier for you and gave you the love and support you needed - all of which will have helped you on your way in life in ways no one can quantify. That is a wonderful legacy for her. You being with her when she died, knowing you loved her as she loved you, will have been a huge comfort.

I also don’t believe in an afterlife, but I do believe in a lasting legacy. Your nan has left you something very special.

What makes you so sure there is no life after death? Actually nobody knows. Nobody, anywhere, knows.

The OP has said that she doesn’t believe in an afterlife - she hasn’t tried to make a case in law. Really not an appropriate response to a grieving person, @Nandakanda.

My OH died this year and I share your dilemma - how can he now be nothing? How can all that intellect, humour, wit, musical talent have come to nothing?

Like others I hold onto the fact that he lives on in others whose lives he influenced; but it is a big thing to get my head round.

I go to his grave and feel nothing; but have to tear my thoughts away from the physical reality of decomposition.

I take comfort from the fact that this is nature; this is the cycle of life; this is repeated millions of times the world over. I do not know why that gives me comfort, but it does.

It must be a comfort to you that your nan was such a special person and that she stepped up to the plate and provided you with love and security when you most needed it. Something of her is now in you - take that forward with you as your life proceeds.

I'm atheist as well. I find this from Bill Bryson comforting...

"Because they are so long-lived, atoms really get around. Every atom you possess has almost certainly passed through several stars and been part of millions of organisms on its way to becoming you. We are each so atomically numerous and so vigorously recycled at death that a significant number of our atoms—up to a billion for each of us, it has been suggested—probably once belonged to Shakespeare. A billion more each came from Buddha and Genghis Khan and Beethoven, and any other historical figure you care to name. (The personages have to be historical, apparently, as it takes the atoms some decades to become thoroughly redistributed; however much you may wish it, you are not yet one with Elvis Presley.) So we are all reincarnations—though short-lived ones. When we die our atoms will disassemble and move off to find new uses elsewhere—as part of a leaf or other human being or drop of dew. Atoms, however, go on practically forever."

I'm so sorry for your loss, she sounds like an incredibly special person.

When I lost my dad recently, I took some comfort in the fact that he dies in the arms of someone he loved (my mum) just as your grandmother did. I honestly believe this is one of the greatest gifts someone can have, to end their life knowing they are loved and held. I'm sure your being there with her helped her to move on in peace.

I'm also an atheist, and have wished often in recent months that I could believe my dad was still there somewhere, and I'd see him again one day. But I can't believe that. However, I don't feel as though he is completely gone either, because I can make sure all the best bits of him live on in me and my sister, and our children. Whenever I feel sad about his absence (which is pretty much all the time), I try to focus on something I loved about him - his kindness, or his humour, or his interest and enthusiasm in life - and I try to bring those qualities into my day somehow. I'm trying to manifest the best bits of him in myself, and to bring the same gifts into my children's lives that he brought to mine, and that way it feels as though he's still with me. Your grandmother will always be with you because she made you the person you are.
It's not the same as having her of course, and you won't be the same person now she's gone. I think an important part of the grieving process is coming to know and accept the person you are now that she's gone. It's so so hard, but the easier times will come more often.

www.goodfuneralguide.co.uk/2013/03/you-want-a-physicist-to-speak-at-your-funeral/

Your grandmother sounds like she was a remarkable lady. I think you need to look at this from her perspective were she here to give her opinion.
After my mum passed the heartbreak was unbearable but I knew she would have been so upset with me for dwelling so much in a place of grief. I could almost hear her saying "didn't I always teach you to put your chin up and when troubles came!" I could almost hear her berating me for being so down.
I knew that more than anything she always wanted me to be happy and nothing upset her more than when I was unhappy.
She always encouraged me to seek joy through nature, animals, the wind on my face. The simple but greatest pleasures in life.
You're grandmother's love for you was joyous, happy, full of light and peace. She would certainly want you to use it to heal yourself and enjoy your life. She would not want you to remain stuck in a place of pain and suffering.
I personally don't believe that love can be extinguished. Something so pure, perfect and powerful surely surpasses even death itself.

Your darling Nan sounds wonderful and I’m so sorry for your loss.

Im with the Bill Bryson stance that corrag talks about. We are all stardust. Your precious Nan lives on in what you do and the memories you treasure and the things you know she say and think.

At the moment I imagine this is very little, if any comfort to you. It is such early days after such a massive loss. Feeling bereft is a testament to how amazing your relationship was and the love you had for her. It’s just so bloody hard to get through though. One day at a time is the only way through until you learn to carry your loss around a little bit easier. Be gentle with yourself. Gradually it won’t feel as unbearable as it does now. I never would have believed that but it is true. 💐

Knittedfairies - thank you for that link. My OH was a scientist and when he was dying one of my DDs whispered in his ear "Remember the law of conservation of energy."

Wonderful posts and advice here . OP I’m so so sorry for your loss. Your nan sounds incredible ❤️. I can’t help with the big questions, but I hope you find ways to feel close to your nan even though she isn’t physically here any more. Wishing you so much strength and healing as you grieve

Sorry for your loss @Whatageisit , I’m also an atheist and I think you just have to remember the good bits of their life and how much they were loved and that gets you through eventually 💐

Thank you to everyone for such comforting and wise words, and thank you to those who have shared their stories, and I am so sorry for your losses

I admit I have only now been able to return to my post, I couldn’t face it.. I suppose I am unable to face it in real life too. My mind panics when my nan enters my thoughts and races to move on to other things, I think a pp was correct in suggesting counselling, or perhaps time is all I will need. Damn but it hurts though. I am no stranger to death and I do have a wonderful supportive partner, it’s just my nanny filled a spot within me and her dying has left such a painful hole.. I sometimes feel a selfish anger that she has left me and I still need and want her.

One thing that really frightens me is losing her smell. I know it may sound silly but my nanny had her own smell, it was beautiful and permeated her skin, her house, her belongings, and clothes. It was not her washing powder or any other artificial scents it was her own scent and had a massive impact on me, it meant kindness, love and safety. When she died I sealed some of her clothing in a vacuum pack and it scares me that one day it will be gone.

Sorry I’m rambling now, I just wanted to say that I appreciate you taking the time to respond, even if I didn’t feel strong enough to stay x