My grandmother died and I don’t know what to do

[Whatageisit]

I’m not sure what I’m asking for, I’m an atheist and I don’t believe in god. I had a rough childhood and my nan was a shining light throughout it all. My nan didn’t have anything at all to her name and she didn’t have to look after me, but she did and she was my anchor and I know I would not be here if it wasn’t for her. I went to my nannys grave and I spoke to her, I talked in the silly and loving ways that we once did together, but she’s not there and I felt empty.

I am struggling and all I want to do is go and stay with my nanny again. I held her as she died and told her to go and be with her loved ones again, that they were waiting, that there was no need to be afraid. My nanny loved fairies and angels, she believed in them her entire life.. I keep certain flowers from her garden that I have transplanted but anyway I don’t believe that there is anything more, what do you do to find peace when you don’t believe in the afterlife and therefore will never meet a much cherished person again? I don’t give a damn if I will live for a while or not but my god the thought that my nan is now.. nothing. And well.. I need her arms around me.

Can someone help me with this?

Honey, the simple fact of the matter is your granny hasn't gone anywhere. This isn't a trite platitude. Your granny is in you. She gave the best part if herself to you and now she lives within you. Gentle Hugs

@Whatageisit

Thank you to everyone for such comforting and wise words, and thank you to those who have shared their stories, and I am so sorry for your losses

I admit I have only now been able to return to my post, I couldn’t face it.. I suppose I am unable to face it in real life too. My mind panics when my nan enters my thoughts and races to move on to other things, I think a pp was correct in suggesting counselling, or perhaps time is all I will need. Damn but it hurts though. I am no stranger to death and I do have a wonderful supportive partner, it’s just my nanny filled a spot within me and her dying has left such a painful hole.. I sometimes feel a selfish anger that she has left me and I still need and want her.

One thing that really frightens me is losing her smell. I know it may sound silly but my nanny had her own smell, it was beautiful and permeated her skin, her house, her belongings, and clothes. It was not her washing powder or any other artificial scents it was her own scent and had a massive impact on me, it meant kindness, love and safety. When she died I sealed some of her clothing in a vacuum pack and it scares me that one day it will be gone.

Sorry I’m rambling now, I just wanted to say that I appreciate you taking the time to respond, even if I didn’t feel strong enough to stay x

You will never forget her smell. Noses have longest memories

Sorry for your loss Your Nan sounds like a lovely lady x