DP new business venture - not seen him properly for weeks.

[Icanflyhigh]

DP started a new business venture which has been on the cards for about 18 months, and I'm so proud of him for doing this. Delayed by Covid and out of work for 6 months which was tough financially but we're OK.

Since day one, it has consistently been out of the house at 7.30am latest, and not back until between 7 and 9pm every single day - this is a shock to the system as his last job, it was 8am start and usually back by 2/3pm latest.

Today DP and business partner are on a mission which has fuck all to do with their business, but it absolutely must be done today and DP must accompany said business partner. This is involving a 200 mile round trip, which means it will be gone 8pm tonight when he gets home and because they have done nothing towards setting the business up today, DP will also be at work tomorrow for at least another 12 hours.

I feel like all of a sudden everything I have been doing for the last 6 months is no longer important, is overshadowed by the new venture and this takes priority over everything.

On top of that, I have tried to help with the new business, but every single thing I have suggested has been rubbished and everything I have done has been altered - not by DP but by his business partner.

We have done nothing but argue since the day the venture came to fruition, and I'm at the point now of saying just fuck it, fuck my offer of help, sort yourselves out and if you can't come home at a decent hour, don't expect dinner to be saved and waiting for you.

So I'm not drip feeding, we have 3 DC, and he is step dad to them and he's great with them, the last 6 months he has done the majority of childcare while I've worked through lockdown, he's looked after the laundry, the shopping and cleaning - I've done the cooking and other household type stuff. Its been fairly equal like that.

But not now, the last 6 weeks, because he's been home so late, he's done nothing around the house at all except leave dirty fucking marks on everything because he is filthy when he gets home from work. I have done everything, including all school runs, while still working a 40 hour+ week from home.

I need some perspective on this as right now I am genuinely so upset by it and can't work out if it is me being a mardy cow or if I do actually have a point.

Sorry didn't realise that would be so long. I feel better just writing it down to be honest.

Is it a genuine business that will make money, or a 'vanity' business?

It is a genuine business, they had to wait for the mortgage on the premises to go through because of Covid, hence the delay and being out of work for 6 months. But yes, totally genuine.

Should have said, it is a well established business over 100 years old, is already making money for them even though thyre not even officially open yet.

Sounds like he really supported you where he could for 6 months, but 6 weeks in to him needing your support, you’re not willing to give it.

I get that he didn’t do everything in that 6 months - but it sounds like he pulled his weight as much as you needed him to.

I think you need to break this down.

Crazy hours for 6 weeks starting up a new business? Normal, and predictable. And just as hard on him as you, probably.

Leaving dirty marks around the house... not on.

Expecting meals when he gets in? Not unreasonable for you to plate something up when he’s working long hours and you’re cooking for you and 3 kids anyway. It’s almost no extra work for you.

You doing most / all of the child related stuff? Reasonable when he’s starting a business up. (controversial opinion: your kids not his, so not unfair that buck stops with you)

The partner rubbishing you’re ideas... well, are they valuable ideas? I mean it kindly. I make helpful suggestions to my husband and more than once he’s politely told me to get my beak out of his business as I don’t know what I’m talking about Most importantly... if it’s his partner rubbishing them - don’t fall out with your husband!!

I think the biggest issue here is you disliking the partner, tbh...?

And I can’t quite make out what’s happened today - was it or wasn’t it business related? Are you fucked off with your husband going off on a jolly today? (might be unreasonable as he’s been so absent, might be reasonable as he’s also owed some fun) Again, it sounds like the partner you’re mad at about this - so don’t take it out on your husband.

I think you need to discuss it - with him planning to be more available (and not make a mess) and you accepting that for a while, that still might not be as available as you’d like (and still making him dinner).

I guess he has pulled his weight while the business was paused. And now I assume he’s being productive during thee long days?

So it sort of feels a little like YABU.

On the other hand I can see it is hard to have responsibility for everything else and work full time. So it seems it’s tough for you both. Is there an end time in sight where he can do more reasonable hours?

I think you need to be a lot more supportive to be honest. My DH started a business many years ago when I was pregnant with our first - it has been extremely hard work for many years but we worked as a team. I did the domestic stuff for a long time but it ultimately paid off when the business was sold a few years back.

However your situation is complicated by the fact he isn't the father of your children.

Running your own business is extremely hard, my DH didn't have a day off or proper holiday for years and years. If you aren't up for that then maybe he isn't the person for you.

Starting a new business is always going to be tough.i don't see why you cannot support him when he has supported the family for 6 months?

On the face of it you sound a bit of a mardy cow as you put it actually.

(apologies for marrying you off in my reply!)

My DH started a business with 2 partners 5 years ago and tbh what you describe is pretty much how it was for the first couple of years. He did however work quite long hours in his job before that so it wasn't a shock in that respect. The last 2 years he still works long hours but now they have a good team in place will take days off here and there and is always available if there's a doctor's appointment/school training day or something.
I basically take care of kids/house/life admin and work part time, but this is what we discussed at length before he started the business. Yes, it can get a bit much sometimes but there are huge rewards and advantages with flexibility down the line.
Sounds like it's been a bit more change than you maybe considered and that's hard to deal with. Have a chat with him, ask him how long he thinks these kind of hours will let, do you need to rethink the share of the home/kids workload, what help can you buy in etc...it's a big change but hang in there and things will likely improve when they're more settled would be my advice

Ok thank you, it looks like I need to readjust my perspective and try and be more supportive of him.

I think a lot of it is that I was expecting long hours, but I wasn't expecting 7 days a week, and when my kids go off to their father every other weekend, I am sat home alone waiting for him so end up doing housework or something equally as bloody mundane.

I love this man to bits, I don't expect him to do anything with the kids, but for almost 5 years, he has.

Today was a bit of a jolly with his partner, it didn't need to be the priority its been made out to be and yes I'm sore that for the first time in 6 weeks they're not doing something to build the business, and DP has chosen to go off with business partner over spending time with me and DCs.

I won't take it out on him though, he is allowed down time and fun time etc, which is why I asked if it is just me being unreasonable.

Happy to hear from other points of view, happy to be told IABU - in which case it is me that needs to change my mind set.

Something like a new business with self employment can mean a complete change in life style for everyone involved - for the worse. Huge sacrifices may be expected of partners and families. It may be a permanent change unless he starts to make pots of money and you can afford help.

@Icanflyhigh you have been very gracious!

Starting and running your own business is incredibly hard work for everyone involved but hopefully it will pay dividends down the line for you all.

@mrscampbell it will definitely pay dividends in the future and hopefully I won't have to work 40+ hours every week forevermore - I know that he would like for me to not have to work at all.

I am happy to accept IABU and alter my mindset accordingly - it was a genuine ask as I feel unsure.

I definitely think it’s worth mentioning to him you felt disappointed that he chose to do the jolly rather than spend today with you - are you having a day together tomorrow?

I don’t think you are unreasonable in terms of how you feel, but I think yea it’s good to put it into perspective like you have. I also think you’ve been very gracious it’s refreshing to see!

It's great to see that you are happy to reflect / change OP. Certainly I would just accept that this is how it is for now and don't sit about waiting for him! Just get on and have a lovely weekend. Yes I'd plate up food if I was making it anyway but if I'm not cooking eg kids aren't about then he gets told he's fending for himself which usually means beans on toast

If you can adjust the mindset into accepting this for the foreseeable future and making the best of it you will be much happier

Thank you. He got home about 7.30pm this evening, we've had a bit of a chat about it, he knows I'm disappointed about today, but its done now.

I dont know yet about tomorrow, I suspect he will wait and see how the land lies in the morning whether he goes to work or not. But whatever he does, roast is now cooking in the slow cooker and I will enjoy a lovely day with the DCs and he will too if he's not at work.

I desperately don't want to put pressure on him. Another PP asked about my suggestions which had been rubbished, it was all to do with accounts and office set up - I am good at this, I'm the Responsible Officer for three government bodies, I manage huge budgets and understand VAT etc.

The business partner's GF does data input in an actual office (i work from home) so she clearly has more of an idea than me. What got my goat more was that one of the suggestions I made which was rubbished, was suggested by another person and immediately accepted and put in place.
DP did pull him up on this, but it still smarts.

Anyhow, tomorrow is another day, and this time next year, hopefully this will all be a distant memory. DP will work regular hours with no weekends and we will have lots of lovely time together..... or I can just keep imagining and dreaming!!

I’ve been where you are OP. Right down to the difficult relationship with the business partner. For whatever reason, he just didn’t like me. Almost saw me as competition for the focus of my H, his business partner.

The other wife could do no wrong and could make outlandish suggestions which would be implemented (she had never worked btw) and while I didn’t get involved in the business at all (I had my own business) I was bound to be involved sometimes by my H and it was resented. So uncomfortable.

Anyway, I’m venting now. It did pay off and we’re now free of that particular set up after it was sold. I did give him freedom to focus on it and we kept things as balanced as possible at home. The best advice is just keep talking to each other about things and support each other.

Im in a similar position OP and I think you have had a lot of good advice on this thread.

The days when I am off now and he is working, I make my own plans. I have up cycled furniture, gone for solo hikes and watches movies and shows that I prefer. Don't sit around twiddling your thumbs and feeling annoyed that he is not there x

YAB massively U, OP.

He supported you for six months, looking after your kids.

Now he's working hard to get a business up and running, that will benefit everyone, including YOUR kids, and you're slagging him off for it on a popular internet message board.

Unbelievable.

Not exactly a long thread to read

The OP has been very gracious so no need for that @thedancingbear

This man sounds like a saint op. He’s taken on your 3 children, acted like a father figure to them for the last 5 years. Has done the majority of the childcare and domestic duties through lockdown, and is now setting up a business with the hope of you being able to cut your own hours down, if not allow you to stop working completely. His partner sounds like a dick, but he pulled him up straight away when he realised he was valuing someone else’s opinion over your own.
It’s been 6 weeks, the long hours are probably more of a shock to him than you. The least you can do is be supportive when he’s trying to better the lifestyles of you and your children.
YABU to even consider refusing to dish him up a plate to punish him for working such long hours

The OP has been very gracious so no need for that @thedancingbear

I tend to disagree. The reverse situation - the one where the woman looks after DP's three kids while he goes out to work - and then when she sets up a business TO SUPPORT HIM AND HIS KIDS he starts pissing and moaning, posting about it on Pistonheads etc... do I need to go on?

MN double standards at its finest.

The business partner's GF does data input in an actual office (i work from home) so she clearly has more of an idea than me. What got my goat more was that one of the suggestions I made which was rubbished, was suggested by another person and immediately accepted and put in place.DP did pull him up on this, but it still smarts.

Just don't get involved. It's his business. I would just stop making suggestions and if he asks why, just tell him they're always getting shot down or rubbished so you're not going to give your opinion anymore as it's clearly not wanted.

I know it hurts but I find it easier to just not get involved!

@thedancingbear

The OP has been very gracious so no need for that *@thedancingbear*

I tend to disagree. The reverse situation - the one where the woman looks after DP's three kids while he goes out to work - and then when she sets up a business TO SUPPORT HIM AND HIS KIDS he starts pissing and moaning, posting about it on Pistonheads etc... do I need to go on?

MN double standards at its finest.

Definitely. This man sounds terribly taken for granted. I’ve just come from a thread about a mum pondering on whether or not to move in with a man who doesn’t like her two small children. I felt like giving her a good shake, if not a slap! The op’s on the opposite side of the spectrum when it comes to men and taking on other people’s kids