DP new business venture - not seen him properly for weeks.

[Icanflyhigh]

DP started a new business venture which has been on the cards for about 18 months, and I'm so proud of him for doing this. Delayed by Covid and out of work for 6 months which was tough financially but we're OK.

Since day one, it has consistently been out of the house at 7.30am latest, and not back until between 7 and 9pm every single day - this is a shock to the system as his last job, it was 8am start and usually back by 2/3pm latest.

Today DP and business partner are on a mission which has fuck all to do with their business, but it absolutely must be done today and DP must accompany said business partner. This is involving a 200 mile round trip, which means it will be gone 8pm tonight when he gets home and because they have done nothing towards setting the business up today, DP will also be at work tomorrow for at least another 12 hours.

I feel like all of a sudden everything I have been doing for the last 6 months is no longer important, is overshadowed by the new venture and this takes priority over everything.

On top of that, I have tried to help with the new business, but every single thing I have suggested has been rubbished and everything I have done has been altered - not by DP but by his business partner.

We have done nothing but argue since the day the venture came to fruition, and I'm at the point now of saying just fuck it, fuck my offer of help, sort yourselves out and if you can't come home at a decent hour, don't expect dinner to be saved and waiting for you.

So I'm not drip feeding, we have 3 DC, and he is step dad to them and he's great with them, the last 6 months he has done the majority of childcare while I've worked through lockdown, he's looked after the laundry, the shopping and cleaning - I've done the cooking and other household type stuff. Its been fairly equal like that.

But not now, the last 6 weeks, because he's been home so late, he's done nothing around the house at all except leave dirty fucking marks on everything because he is filthy when he gets home from work. I have done everything, including all school runs, while still working a 40 hour+ week from home.

I need some perspective on this as right now I am genuinely so upset by it and can't work out if it is me being a mardy cow or if I do actually have a point.

Sorry didn't realise that would be so long. I feel better just writing it down to be honest.

@thedancingbear

The OP has been very gracious so no need for that *@thedancingbear*

I tend to disagree. The reverse situation - the one where the woman looks after DP's three kids while he goes out to work - and then when she sets up a business TO SUPPORT HIM AND HIS KIDS he starts pissing and moaning, posting about it on Pistonheads etc... do I need to go on?

MN double standards at its finest.

Not when you're talking nonsense you don't. Pipe down.

I think he's mostly being reasonable, but the result of his new business is you doing all the housework and childcare on top of working a 40 hour week. That's not sustainable.

It's fine for him to expect you to support him in getting set up (esp since he's been doing so much recently), but there needs to be an understanding that he can't just pass all his chores over to you indefinitely.

What's the long term plan? He employs more people/sells it?
Also is it making a lot of money/has the potential to?
I'd be inclined to tolerate short term pain for long term gain. But if it's growth potential is limited I'd be less understanding about it!

YAB massively U. He has looked after your kids for six months and this is how you react to six weeks of slightly long hours. I say slightly because his hours don’t even seem particularly long, me and DH would be it of the house longer than that if we were doing our usual commute to London and not even trying to set up a new business.

Anyway, thanks all!!

We have spoken again this morning, DP is totally aware of how I feel, yes I'm being a mardy and entitled cow (my words not his) but he has said he would feel exactly the same if the situation was reversed.

Today, he is taking the day off, and we are all spending it together.

Apologies to those who think I am being a dick, I vented, I got a response and I've acted accordingly, no need to spout all the double standards shit at me.

Oh and for the PP who mentioned pistonheads, that says a lot more about you than me!!

Have a nice day everyone 😊

Sounds like you should leave and go it completely on your own.
No dividends in the future so you'll need to continue working your 40 + hours as well as having no one to share the load when things get tough.
Good luck

@Icanflyhigh
Well done op for being gracious and faking on board folks opinions. Good luck for the new business 👍

Taking ffs

Sounds like a great resolution OP! Fine, you were being a bit U, but you explained how you felt, he saw why and now you’re having a day together. Sounds like a nice, healthy, communicative relationship to me!

Enjoy your day.

Thanks again everyone, a bit at the suggestion I should LTB and go it alone as this isn't going to get any better though!

We've had a lovely day, with a walk in the meadow and cooking together with the DCs.

I daresay by next Friday I'll might be feeling meg again, so I shall re-read this thread and give my head a wobble

Sounds like you miss his company as much as everything else OP.

The situation 6 months ago was you were working flat out, presumably your income was supporting the family so without imediate work your significant other could chip in around the house and with childcare.

The situation now is you are both working long hours, you are if I'm reading this correctly no longer the only income (if money is already coming in to his business).

You have picked up all the domestic side of things. But with two incomes is this entirely necessary?

What about a cleaner for x hours a week, outsourcing the laundry, getting takeaway or ready meals a couple of days a week for the next couple of months to ease pressure, looking into a couple of days after school club or breakfast club. This next six month phase of Covid, working from home and a new business is going to have its trials.

Covid has ment that my DH can no longer share the after school runs even though he teaches at the same school as my DS. I was really frustrated that this ment I would loose an extra hour at each end of the day plus time with eldest at home helping him settle into his apprenticeship working from home.

Our compromise is DH does the morning school run for our youngest and she goes to a breakfast club - it has a cost, she doesn't particularly want to go but now I can start work 1.5 hours earlier and feel guilt free stopping at 3pm to do the pick ups - then picking work things up to finish the day 6pm onwards after tea and house tasks.

Just because you are capable of doing all these tasks it doesn't necessarily mean you should.

Sounds like he really supported you where he could for 6 months, but 6 weeks in to him needing your support, you’re not willing to give it.

This.

@Ripple that is it entirely I think.

We have always been very equal, but for 6 months, financially I have kept us afloat, but I couldn't have done this without him picking up the slack with the house and kids.

I do miss his company, and yes there are options available to us to get cleaners in etc, it's not something we envisaged happening so quickly, the business has taken off more than either of us expected.

It's not about not supporting him or wanting to support him, it was more about me being a miserable cow, having a rant and giving the reasons for my rant, which most of you got!

I love him, he loves me, we're good, but we are allowed to feel a bit miffed if things don't go as we planned - even if we are expecting each other to be mind readers right?!

We've talked, we're good, and yes the long hours will continue, but it is now more in perspective which is what I needed to work out.

Good update.
We all get cranky at times.

These are challenging times.

I would miss my husband terribly if he was working those hours, not for childcare, more for his company.

Hang in there.
Cleaner is a great idea to ease the pressure.

Thought I'd come back and up date on this - I took the advice from several posters and took a massive step back from the business. Since the OP I have only actually visited the premises twice. I'm not disinterested in it, I'm just being conscious that it isn't my business and essentially isn't anything to do with me.

I did have a huge wobble at the end of November which culminated in me ringing the business partner and having a rather heated discussion with him. Basically, a decision had been made, and it was very poor in my opinion, so much so that I was angry, and terrified by the financial implications. The partner told me that business decisions were nothing to do with me and I'm afraid I shouted at him and told him that they were very much my business when it affects my ability to feed my children and keep a roof over our heads.

DP felt like he was stuck between a rock and a hard place, he felt compromised by his business partner, and that ended up with him leaving and driving almost 100 miles to his parents for advice. This was a huge turning point, we talked a lot after that and I'm thankful to say that things are steadily improving.

Working hours are still long, and likely to be so for a good while yet, and there is still very little financial return from the hours invested, but, they are getting busier and busier, reinvesting their profits and improving their premises little by little. Communication is definitely the key here and as long as DP continues to recognise that he cannot work all the time and puts himself first a little bit, we will get there successfully.

Thats a great update. Rome wasn't built in a day and all that.

Its an ongoing juggling act with two careers, family, home etc and in our house we have our wobbles/ frustrations too.

I think your right about communication though. I can bottle my emotion with an everything is rosey veneer - its okay for short term frustrations but anything which fundamentally changes the dynamic needs to be discussed, even if it can't happen in advance that communication and respect of each other is key