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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU.....DP related

29 replies

DaisyFamily · 17/10/2020 13:23

I worked all through lockdown(teacher) my DP was furloughed then made redundant before finally getting a new job in July.
He was obviously been the "main" parent as he calls it for our 2dc till September (10&8).
Now the Dc are back in school my partner has so much time to himself (only works part time) where as I work 5 days a week so when I'm home the dc are there and my DP moans when I ask for some time to myself. He can't understand why sometimes id like just an hour to think about no one else but myself (like going for a drive just blasting music) so Mumsnet AIBU here?

OP posts:
jdoejnr1 · 17/10/2020 16:30

Is this a reverse?

funnylittlefloozie · 17/10/2020 16:34

Whether he "understands" or not, he needs to give you your time to decompress. He doesnt have to understand, although its not exactly difficult, he just needs to not moan about it.

Is he unpleasant in his lack of understanding?

MsVestibule · 17/10/2020 16:49

They're not really of an age where they need constant supervision, so YANBU. Why can't you just go out?

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 17/10/2020 17:23

What is he doing during the time hes home with no kids and not working? If hes just lazing about then YANBU. If hes scrubbing the house, packing lunches, tidying up, doing the washing, grocery shopping, changing the sheets, fetching the kids, paying the bills, cooking the dinner and doing other family necessities then you both need some time out.... Really depends on the balance of chores here.

Original poster
DaisyFamily · 18/10/2020 09:10

Sorry I haven't replied until now, I broke my phone. He doesn't do much in regards to housework, will maybe clean once or twice a week. It's true the dc don't need constant supervision! Thank you for your replies.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/10/2020 09:12

How many times do you need to clean in a week?

HeddaGarbled · 18/10/2020 09:18

I think you should do the blasting-music-drive on your way home from work. Every parent comes in from work to be thrown straight into family life. It’s what being a parent involves.

If you’re asking for “time off” at the weekend, then he should be allowed the same, and it needs to be balanced with spending time with the family and with him.

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2020 09:21

I've seen a lot of threads where the mum has been home all day and wants to hand the children over to the husband when he's home from work but the husband wants time to decompress...the majority of replies to those are
"They're his kids too,hes been at work all day he should spend time with them,you need a break too op,etc" I'm wondering if the same will apply here.

I agree with the poster above and think when you have a family..its all hands on deck when you get home.

You had your work and social life,then had kids,you need to juggle it all. You had your down time before kids.
Decompress one morning per weekend like most couples.

Original poster
DaisyFamily · 18/10/2020 10:10

I'm always encouraging him to have time to himself whether it's going for a drive or seeing friends but he chooses not to where I'm just not allowed to. Cleaning I mean dishes hoovering, general day to day cleaning not a whole house clean 🙄
I also live 5 minutes away from work so I can't blast my music then.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 18/10/2020 10:15

I'm always encouraging him to have time to himself whether it's going for a drive or seeing friends but he chooses not to where I'm just not allowed to
Well then no,no you cant live like this. If he doesn't want to go out fine, but you cant be expected to stay in. I would be having a word with him about that.
But if he just likes to relax at home in another room and have you watch the kids...fine but you must then have the opportunity to relax for the same amount of time,however you choose,whilst he has the kids.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 18/10/2020 10:20

@jdoejnr1

Is this a reverse?
Why would this be a reverse? The DH works part time and his two children are at school. OP works full time in a demanding job and occasionally wants an hour to herself that's totally reasonable.

By the way I'd be the DH in this sutuation. I work part time and have two DC (slightly younger) in school. I get more time to myself during the week so of course give DH time to himself during the evenings and weekends.

MatildaTheCat · 18/10/2020 10:22

Just book something for yourself, gym, meeting a friend, whatever and inform him you’ll be out at that time.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 18/10/2020 10:23

@Notimeforaname

I've seen a lot of threads where the mum has been home all day and wants to hand the children over to the husband when he's home from work but the husband wants time to decompress...the majority of replies to those are
"They're his kids too,hes been at work all day he should spend time with them,you need a break too op,etc" I'm wondering if the same will apply here.

Errr no. Those threads are when the children are babies and toddlers who are at home all day. Not kids who have been at school for most of the day.

myshoelaces · 18/10/2020 10:26

@Notimeforaname

I've seen a lot of threads where the mum has been home all day and wants to hand the children over to the husband when he's home from work but the husband wants time to decompress...the majority of replies to those are "They're his kids too,hes been at work all day he should spend time with them,you need a break too op,etc" I'm wondering if the same will apply here.

I agree with the poster above and think when you have a family..its all hands on deck when you get home.

You had your work and social life,then had kids,you need to juggle it all. You had your down time before kids.
Decompress one morning per weekend like most couples.

That's very different from two school aged children, they're not there all day.
Notimeforaname · 18/10/2020 10:36

Errr no. Those threads are when the children are babies and toddlers who are at home all day. Not kids who have been at school for most of the day

Errr yes,Grinwhilst it's true there are post like that about toddlers and babies I have seen quite a few with older/multiple children needing care and attention. Perhaps you hadn't noticed them all.

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2020 10:37

He's also working in the day too.

bigdecisionstomake · 18/10/2020 10:42

I think both parents need a bit of time alone each week in an ideal world. The problem comes if the amount of alone time is vastly different between the two of you.

PlanDeRaccordement · 18/10/2020 10:42

What worked for us was scheduled time to ourselves. I wouldn’t like random requests for me time either. So have a talk with your DH and agree on an evening where you get time to yourself and also agree on the same for him.

vanillandhoney · 18/10/2020 10:43

They're 8 and 10. I don't really understand why you can't just go out and leave them with him? Surely you don't need his permission?

Newkitchen123 · 18/10/2020 10:48

Just nipping it for a while love, the kids are in their rooms.
Job done

timeisnotaline · 18/10/2020 11:45

So he chooses not to? You need to decide to go out, tell him and go. At the time if you think he would sabotage your plans by going out earlier, otherwise with a few days notice. You could say something nice like I think it would be great if you took an hour or two out to do something for yourself, I know I need to and I’m going on Saturday at 10, I’ll help in the morning and be back by 12.
He doesn’t have to agree, and you don’t have to stay because he says so.
(Totally agree with other posters about the baby stage etc and no my Dh doesn’t get decompress time coming home when we have babies, he gives me decompress time!)

Original poster
DaisyFamily · 18/10/2020 14:13

I have tried the whole I'm just gonna go out but he's so moody when I get home that sometimes it's just not worth it or if I tell him In advance then he'll guilt trip me or cause an argument so I don't go. It would be nice to have an hour or so every week but I do realise that isn't ideal because every week is different but even every now again would be nice! The biggest thing he doesn't understand is I'm always having to think about someone else when I'm at work or at home. He gets so much time where he only has to think about himself

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 18/10/2020 14:20

The more you write, the worse this sounds.

Of course you deserve an hour a week to yourself -- even more! I certainly have more, as does my husband.

Has he always been like this?

I think you should just go out and not respond to his guilt trips and moods -- he does this because they work, they control you.

vanillandhoney · 18/10/2020 14:40

Sounds like you'd be better off without him, tbh.

What a waste of space.

billy1966 · 18/10/2020 14:53

So you are in a very controlling relation with a man who bully's you.

Either tell him you are not putting up with his bullshit or get your ducks in a row.
Life is too short.
Flowers

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