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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Concern for friend - WWYD

62 replies

Pearsapiece · 17/10/2020 06:23

More if a wwyd rather than aibu.

A friend and colleague of mine has spent the last nearly 2 years loosing weight. She's done incredibly well and I'm so proud of her. She's lost about 6 stone and looks (and clearly feels) absolutely amazing.
She goes to the gym almost daily and chooses her foods wisely. Still drinks a lot as any 27year old would and allows herself a treat at the weekend. All good.

I had no concern about her until a revelation yesterday. A conversation started about nutty things no one knows about you. She said she watches YouTube videos of people eating. When I asked her why, she said because she couldn't eat it she liked to watch other people eating it. Apparently its a very common thing and these people have lots of subscribers so it's clearly 'a thing'.
My worry is that she's bordering the realms of an unhealthy relationship with food. It can't be healthy to miss food so much you watch other people eating it for pleasure?!
Should I say anything to her about this? Warn her to keep an eye on herself or something. I wouldn't even know what to say to her if I did say anything.
Any advice?

OP posts:
Graciebobcat · 17/10/2020 08:27

It's partly the reason I watch Bake Off, to look at lots of nice cake and people eating it as I hardly ever eat cake. Apart from wholemeal bread, baked goods don't really agree with me and I'm also trying to lose weight.

I don't think your friend necessarily has an unhealthy relationship with food, OP, and even if she did, she would have to acknowledge it herself and wanrt to get help.

LostFrog · 17/10/2020 08:27

I’ve never heard of this but I understand why you would be weirded out at least. I’m not sure about the whole “unhealthy relationship with food” thing though. I sort of think that if it helps you maintain a healthy weight and it doesn’t lead to anything damaging - like bulimia for example - Then that’s ok.

My family constantly talk about food by the way to the point that dh actually counts how many minutes it is when we are all in a room together before someone asks what we are having for dinner or talks about what they had for lunch yesterday - and some might see that as an unhealthy obsession with food but none of us is overweight.

butterpuffed · 17/10/2020 08:29

I don't think it's necessarily an unhealthy attitude. I'm diabetic , so sweet food, pasta, rice, bread and potatoes are more or less a no-no for me .

I do cook them for friends and family and enjoy watching them enjoy it. Am slightly overweight but not by much.

Lolaloveslemonade · 17/10/2020 08:29

To illustrate my point:

’My worry is that she's bordering the realms of an unhealthy relationship with food. It can't be healthy to miss food so much you watch other people eating it for pleasure?!‘

’My worry is that she's bordering the realms of an unhealthy relationship with _sex._It can't be healthy to miss sex so much you watch other people doing it for pleasure?!‘

cabotstove · 17/10/2020 08:40

I honestly had no idea it was a thing to watch people eat, have sex etc because you are not able to partake. Maybe it will help me stick to a diet!

butterpuffed · 17/10/2020 08:43

Strange analogy Lola ! I'm tone deaf but love watching singers ! You could say it about practically anything.

ecdysis · 17/10/2020 08:46

Of course she has an unhealthy relationship with food. You don't get to six stones overweight if you have a healthy relationship.

Geronimorlassie · 17/10/2020 08:47

You are projecting an awful lot here. You need a lot more than this to broach the subject with a good friend.
Leave it alone.

ecdysis · 17/10/2020 08:49

I’ve been overweight most of my adult life and every single time I’ve lost weight people start giving opinions, warning me not to lose too much, I’m fine as I am etc. Whereas they all seem perfectly happy when I’m fat

So true

AriesTheRam · 17/10/2020 08:50

When I diet I watch man vs food and other similar programs so I can feel like I've eaten it iykwim

Lolaloveslemonade · 17/10/2020 08:50

Strange analogy Lola ! I'm tone deaf but love watching singers ! You could say it about practically anything.

Not really. You could definitely say it about absolutely anything.
I can’t afford to travel so I spend all my time looking at holidays, I don’t live in a nice house so I look at beautiful houses online.
Non of the above apply to me but I get it. People like looking at/watching things they crave but can’t have in reality.

redcarbluecar · 17/10/2020 08:55

This is a new one on me but probably her own business really. I don’t think anyone really wants to be asked questions about their relationship with food unless they’ve solicited advice.
As a concerned friend, maybe just now and again ask her how she is? Broad question, not linked to her diet or weight. She may open up to you if there’s a worry she wants to share.

BusyBB · 17/10/2020 08:57

I think she has done really well to lose that much weight and continue for 2 years. Whatever helps is good. Sometimes I have conversations with my husband about what we would choose to eat from eat shop or restaurant etc we like if calories were no issue. It's just a little harmless food fantasy, like when you talk to people about your favourite foods for christmas time etc, isnt that normal?
Your friend surely is still eating well if she has lost 6 stone over 2 years. That's about 0.81 lbs per week and its healthy to loose 1 or 2 lbs per week!

LizzieSiddal · 17/10/2020 09:00

I don’t think you should say anything at the moment. Could you try distraction- start telling her about brillant things you’ve seen that she might be interested in?- maybe she’ll start watching those things too and move away from the food things.

gingerbreadfox · 17/10/2020 09:04

Could it be that she likes ASMR videos?

ASMR vids are really popular at the minute. The theory is that the sounds or visual effects produce 'tingles' down the back of your neck which feels nice.

Some ASMR videos are listening to people eat food. It's totally marmite - my husband HATES it because he can't stand hearing eating noises but I love it.

LadyFannyButton · 17/10/2020 09:06

I agree with you op, and I think the first poster has missed your point, which is she missed food so watches others eat because of it

I disagree. I once went through a stage of watching James Martin. God that man uses a lot of butter! I loved watching the food, the gooey chocolate eclairs he made, I could even imagine how it used to feel to bite into one! But, I didn’t watch it because I missed the food, it just left me weirdly satiated without having to eat the lipid raising foods myself.

LeGrandBleu · 17/10/2020 09:06

Say nothing.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 17/10/2020 09:06

@LizzieSiddal

I don’t think you should say anything at the moment. Could you try distraction- start telling her about brillant things you’ve seen that she might be interested in?- maybe she’ll start watching those things too and move away from the food things.
She is an adult not a fucking toddler. Why should she be 'distracted' from something she has chosen to do. She evidently isn't ashamed of it or she wouldn't have told her friend.
Harrysblondie · 17/10/2020 09:08

Yes she has unhealthy food issues. My dd1 is the same, her day is based on what food she can eat and meal times.

Talking about the issue uninvited will cause offence. Tread very carefully

Spidey66 · 17/10/2020 09:12

I don't think it's worrying. Her weight loss, while impressive, sounds slow and steady, indicating she's doing it properly. If she'd admitted binging then sticking her fingers down her throat, I'd be worried, but it sounds like a coping strategy, albeit somewhat unusual but basically harmless.

Cam2020 · 17/10/2020 09:13

It sounds like your freind is living vicariously. I think you're right to be concerned becasue it does show an unhealthy relationship with food, but most overweight people do have that already, otherwise they wouldn't become overweight in the first place (obviously excluding people with medical issues here). To lose six stone indicates her relationship with food has always been off and that's not a simple thing to fix but it sounds like this is her way of managing her impulses and getting some sort of satisfaction by proxy

I'd keep an eye out for any extreme behaviour with food but I wouldn't say anything now that might make her self conscious and revert to her old eating habits based on that alone.

solopretation · 17/10/2020 09:15

I watch cleaning vids if I need to be inspired to clean - it really works, in fact - especially the speeded up ones.
I watch weight loss videos ie photos taken by the person over a period of time showing the weight loss if I need inspiration to lose weight.

I just watched an ASMR vid for the first time (thanks, OP...) and it actually made me feel a bit ill. It was just things being poured like coke and crushed so nothing awful. No tingling. I couldn't bear it for more than a few minutes. Takes all sorts, eh. I think it might be linked to how easily we get stimulated as individuals, people who are introverted are more likely to get over stimulated quickly?

The woman eating the watermelon is doing it as a prank - she has made other joke videos with her partner from the look of it.

bakereld · 17/10/2020 09:17

Oh god, please don't do/say anything OP.

Plenty of people watch mukbangs, I do myself, and so do many of my friends. I watch it because no, I wont ever eat 10 big macs & 10 bags of fries in one go, and I'd like to see someone do so.

I've lost a lot of weight recently, and my diet has changed completely. It is quite satisfying watching other people eat the kind of foods you no longer eat anymore, as it reminds you that it is really unhealthy and greasey iyswim?

If you friend looks to be at a healthy weight, and eats/drinks sensibly (your words) then don't say anything. Also, going to the gym everyday is normal for lots of people.

It's nice that you are 'concerned', but your post feels judgey, and is none of your business so please don't mention anything, it could likely harm your friendship.

solopretation · 17/10/2020 09:17

PS I wouldn't worry about your friend over this one particular thing. Healthy weight loss is fantastic, it is much, much better for her health.

Goatinthegarden · 17/10/2020 09:24

I don’t think you should say something. I’m now a healthy weight having lost 2.5 stone over about 6 months and have maintained it for about two years. I bike or run every day and watch what I eat in order to maintain that. I love eating and have a huge appetite, I allow myself some of the things I fancy (just had croissants and coffee in bed) but cannot allow myself to eat the obscene amount of food I actually desire.

Watching other people eat doesn’t appeal, but I do spend a lot of time looking up recipes, meal planning balanced packed lunches etc. My life doesn’t completely revolve around food, but it is always there in the background. I think I have a good balance because I want to fuel my body for exercise. I’d rather this than being overweight and sluggish again. I wouldn’t appreciate others commenting on my decisions.