AIBU to think it's a bit sad that people assume my son is gay because he's not 'blokey'?

[DaftyD]

DS is 16, likes to cultivate his own rock guitar playing look with long hair etc but also his manner is quite gentle, he doesn't really like what people see as typically 'blokey' things, bit of a dreamer, friendship group has always included girls. Quite often people - including people his own age - assume he is gay. Not in a hostile way but they do assume it. He thinks it's funny and rolls his eyes but AIBU to be a bit sad that there are still stereotypical attitudes around? He's a young man whose character is still forming and he's getting frankly nonsensical messages about what is acceptable behaviour for straight males.

Yanbu to think its a bit silly but as you said its not in a hostile way and he doesn't mind. Gay isnt an insult.
If people assumed he was a vegetarian that wouldnt be sad would it?

it happens and not offensive, I'm glad your son doesn't find it offensive either. Boys are into different things, I had an ex who wasn't into football which a lot of people thought was mad

I agree that of course it's not an insult. But it is insulting to gay men also to assume that they all act in a particular way just because of their sexuality. Surely the only defining characteristic of a gay man is that he fancies men?

YANBU.

To answer the PP it's sad because it's based on depressing homophobic stereotypes. Non-macho boys are targeted and labelled as 'different' to their macho male peers and therefore the only explanation is he must be gay, rather than he just isn't like your usual blokey boys.

I wouldn't like being labelled as something I'm not.

My DB gets the same assumptions because he’s a male nurse and dresses smart. So many ‘blokey’ men always ask me if he’s gay because he isn’t a brick layer called Steve. Pisses me right off to be honest so I imagine it annoys DB.

I get people assuming I’m straight all the time. I wish I had a quid for everyone who has asked me if I’ve got a boyfriend/husband. I just say ‘no.’ Should I be insulted or think they’re silly?

But it is insulting to gay men also to assume that they all act in a particular way just because of their sexuality. Surely the only defining characteristic of a gay man is that he fancies men?
Many do act in a certain way though. I don't think it is insulting to think so. It's just a fact.

Not all, but many gay men do have identifying characteristics. They are often very camp in their mannerisms and their voices. I know other, non-gay men are sometimes camp (Matthew Weight, formerly of The Wright Stuff for example) but a lot of gay men are camp.

All the gay males I know except one are very camp. My cousin is outrageously camp yet I wouldn't know his utterly gorgeous fiance is gay as he isn't camp at all.

My son is similar, but people always think he's a girl rather than a gay boy.
He has a very obviously boys' name and a very square jaw.
They can't see past the hair (mid back, classic rocker hairstyle.

My son has long hair the bullies like to call him gay which bemused him because he is 11 his sister is gay so its not a bad thing he knows gay men so again not a bad thing they are positive role models and did I mention he is fucking 11? his 11 year old bully was told to pack it in by the school

I think it's a shame that people make any assumptions based on stereotypes.

I wouldn't worry about it. There are lots of people who can't see beyond the stereotypical blokey male, it's pathetic really. My son isn't into football, he's 12 and some mums look at me like it's something really bizarre and wrong because he isn't and it's almost like they think there's something strange and wrong with him. Boils my piss to be honest!

He doesn't like football....big fucking deal, neither does his dad...reason I married him!

Yanbu. I'm glad your DS has a healthy attitude against stupid stereotypes.
I know what you mean.
DD is different from her peers it can be tough.

I have a close relative and some people assume he is gay because he has never married and he is a sensitive soul. He isn't. He isn't insulted if he is asked. Why would he be?

I have three teenagers, two boys one girl, all gentle and lovely and not conventional. Sure people think all three of them are gay, they’re lovely people who haven’t discovered their sexuality yet, whatever that might be. Why can’t people just be themselves without having to name it

I think it's offensive to gay men tbh, many of them are blokey. Gay men come in all types and personalities. It's reductive to assume a gentler man must be gay.

I think the most depressing moments are when it comes from his peers. To be clear, among the large fluid loose 'friendship' group he's a part of (outwith his own close circle) there are a number of young people who are gay/bi/poly/gender questioning etc and none of this is seen as a problem. In fact the entire cohort are as you would want young people to be - accepting and inclusive etc. But even within this group of teens who would doubtless regard themselves as forward thinking, those who don't know him so well, as they drift in and out of the group, just assume he's gay and therefore still at some level subscribe to stereotypical notions of maleness/straightness/homosexuality.

I would not call it offensive, exactly. There are a certain number of feminine seeming gay men and while some straight men can also have a similar vibe, I think it's not an even split. And it's not offensive to notice that.

But I'd never assume it, I might wonder but I'd be prepared to be quite wrong.

I think though that people are more likely to make the assumption these days than they were 10 years ago, maybe even 20 years ago. Which is odd.

A lot of gays and lesbians do kind of do stereotypes in a way though, it’s how we recognise each other. I was sat in the pub the other day and the obviously lesbian looking chef came out of the kitchen and nodded at me. We’ve never met in our lives before. To say that stereotypes are al rubbish is just wrong, because they are stereotypes for a reason.

The OPs DS might not appear stereotypically gay at all, he might be camper than the Hi De Hi summer party, I have no idea, and truth be told the kids who are saying it probably don’t have any idea what gay stereotypes are either, they’re just saying it because he’s not blokey. It’s best off ignored. He’s not bothered OP, why are you?

I dunno, I just kind of thought we'd gone beyond that now. These kids bill themselves as the wokest generation ever but they still think a young man is gay because he doesn't like team sports and is not aggressive. They express this using inclusive language but they still express it.

To be clear, he is not camp. He just has long hair and a gentle manner.

Yes, his friends' wokeness is almost acting against them. It's quite trendy to not be heteronormative though, so maybe your son should play up to his rep and go break a few woke hearts! Then cruise round with a hot chick on his arm. (Can I say hot chick? That doesn't sound very PC)

The number of gay guys I have crushed on who left me feeling a fool. I'd like to think the gay guys are having the same problem these days with the straight guys.

He is only 16 though, he may be gay, I know plenty of gay/bi adults who if asked at 16 would have said they were straight. It can take us a while to figure ourselves out.

You have a point about people making assumptions. But then conversely, is it any better that we assume everyone is straight unless we have evidence otherwise?

Some people are just a bit stupid and insensitive, ‘gay’ also remains a very popular insult amongst teens. A bit like the fools who do anything they can to convince themselves that most gay men are camp because they have met a few, I wonder if they would also say all Asians have x characteristic because they know a few.

I had an arsey colleague a while back, he eventually found out that I’m gay when he googled the rugby club I play for. He accused me of tricking him because I’m a ‘normal bloke’ 😂 this is how stupid the “loads of gay men are camp” brigade sound.

I think it's a bit sad that gender norms of dressing are so rigid as they are, instead of more fluid. Long hair- girl or gay, short hair- boy or lesbian or trans, and so forth. My early teen dd had very short hair for about three years and she was mistaken for a boy by teachers, called names about being trans in the street, and constantly remarked on at school as a lesbian (which she used to reply 'thank you' or 'that's not an insult you know' as she has lots of lesbian/trans friends). It was very tiresome, she just liked the look but it turns out it was sending such strong social signals over nothing. If you watch movies from the 80's, lots of the women had Big Hair and short crops, it was fab.

Things are more rigid than ever in what 'counts' in terms of looks, it's quite depressing sometimes.

Oh Lordy, how dare you not wear your pink triangle to work! Trick him indeed, that’s awful.

It is depressing how ‘gay’ is still used by young people as an insult, it’s weird given how sensitive they are about pronouns etc. I told off a 19yo junior at work recently in front of the whole team who came out with “am I being gay” to mean “am I being stupid” - told her if she could use less homophobic phrasing please and start again. Same staff member is terribly woke in other respects. It’s weird.

Weird autocorrect, not sure what ‘Lordy’ was meant to be! Kinda works though I guess.