AIBU to think it's a bit sad that people assume my son is gay because he's not 'blokey'?

[DaftyD]

DS is 16, likes to cultivate his own rock guitar playing look with long hair etc but also his manner is quite gentle, he doesn't really like what people see as typically 'blokey' things, bit of a dreamer, friendship group has always included girls. Quite often people - including people his own age - assume he is gay. Not in a hostile way but they do assume it. He thinks it's funny and rolls his eyes but AIBU to be a bit sad that there are still stereotypical attitudes around? He's a young man whose character is still forming and he's getting frankly nonsensical messages about what is acceptable behaviour for straight males.

He sounds very similar to my son. Gay is not an insult of course but my son is straight and would prefer girls weren’t told otherwise 🤣

Yanbu because stereotypes are annoying. I think its a bit rude to assume!

YANBU. It's not good that they assume certain traits in gay men as well.

YANBU. Of course it’s not offensive for someone to think you’re gay, but people making assumptions about a person’s sexuality based On stereotypes is harmful. It’s harmful for gay men to be stereotyped as camp and effeminate, and it’s harmful for straight men to be stereotyped as macho and masculine. We know men often struggle to talk about their feelings, and we know that fears of appearing un-masculine are part of the reason why. We know that gay men are often viewed as weak or pathetic, and that’s in part because they’re stereotyped as having effeminate qualities. These harmful views shouldn’t be upheld or dismissed as unimportant.

Good for your boy for marching to the best of his own drum. The rest of it doesn't matter

*beat

My DH is the same and is quite quiet. Apparently lots of his relatives thought he was gay.

Bizarre as my dad is quiet and no one seemed to have questioned him. I think people are more into stereotyping than they ever were, which is rather depressing.

Hi OP, I really recommend the book How Not to Be a Boy by Robert Webb which deals sensitively with this subject.

I wouldn't focus on your concerns of the injustice of it too much, particularly in front of him or to people who might tell him your concerns.

If he is actually gay, he'll worry you won't approve should he come out to you.

Yes, It's sad that people are applying a stereotype of how a gay man should look and behave. In this day and age, people should realise that gay men don't have a standard 'profile'. Men shouldn't have to act/speak/dress in a way that conforms to outdated ideas of what their sexuality should look like.

@Jente

Good for your boy for marching to the best of his own drum. The rest of it doesn't matter

Absolutely. He sounds very similar to my 16 year old who has way more female friends than male. He knows I have no issues whatever his sexuality is, but he is heterosexual (at moment!). When I asked him if he was bothered by what some of his peers say, he replied "Well, I'm the one surrounded by girls, so no...".

DS is the same long blond hair and a gentle manner (well until someone pisses him off)

Only thing is he does get the gay thing thrown at him but in an insult type of way

Frankly there are a lot of horrible kids at his school, borderline aggressive in their manner and not very bright. They see the long hair as a bit weird and 'out' there. I told his head teacher god help these kids if they think long hair is 'different' and wait till they are in the real world

We live in a military area and I think it does lend itself to a macho man type of attitude that does rub off on the kids

Luckily DS does have a group of good friends mostly girls

@Poppingnostopping

I think it's a bit sad that gender norms of dressing are so rigid as they are, instead of more fluid. Long hair- girl or gay, short hair- boy or lesbian or trans, and so forth. My early teen dd had very short hair for about three years and she was mistaken for a boy by teachers, called names about being trans in the street, and constantly remarked on at school as a lesbian (which she used to reply 'thank you' or 'that's not an insult you know' as she has lots of lesbian/trans friends). It was very tiresome, she just liked the look but it turns out it was sending such strong social signals over nothing. If you watch movies from the 80's, lots of the women had Big Hair and short crops, it was fab.

Things are more rigid than ever in what 'counts' in terms of looks, it's quite depressing sometimes.

I was young ( in my 20s) in the 80s and many many women had short cropped hair. When I was married the first time, I had very short hair and kept it that way for several years . I find the ubiquitous long hair I pretty much every girl in most secondary schools quite sad.

The absolute horror on here as well when a parent wants to keep their DD's hair short is weird. I am completely bemused by adult women crying when their ( almost always female ) child's hair has been cut too short for their liking, for whatever reason .

We are much less likely to play with gender stereotypes nowadays ( think 80 s women dressing in suits with short hair and new romantic males with make up and long hair) . Instead we talk about being the other gender.

YANBU. Not all gay men are effeminate. Not all effeminate or arty men are gay. It’s 2020. People need to move on.

@CorianderLord

I think it's offensive to gay men tbh, many of them are blokey. Gay men come in all types and personalities. It's reductive to assume a gentler man must be gay.

Quite, nothing camp about Luke Evans or Russell Tovey.

Both when I was young and now with my teens, simply not dating or turning down someone of the other sex was enough to get people making assumptions about being gay, but then that is based on a lot of assumptions about straight teens (and ignores everyone else). There is also the assumption that men who are overly concerned with gaining muscles are gay or bi as that was a commonly used to signal health alongside sexuality in some spaces.

As pp have said, I'm not sure the assumption of being straight is better than assuming someone is gay, but particularly with peers who might be figuring out their possible dating pool, that's going to happen and some use it to their benefit. I know many adults who ask in various groups variations of how to show their sexuality because some signs seem safer than outright saying it.

I do think it's kinda creepy when adults do this with kids, unless crush behaviours start coming up - the overtalking and gushing and so on - and even then, I probably would probably find it weird to broach with the kid unless they started the conversation on it.

We shouldn’t have favourites, but Russell and Steves best dog is clearly Cooper.

Oops that was to @CounsellorTroi

I've had quiet a few people over the years assume I'm guy because I'm fairly quiet, a bit bookish, prefer mixed/female company to exclusively male groups and being not what you might call "assertively heterosexual".

The assumption doesn't bother me at all, but I do find it very sad that people are still mired in this rigid stereotypes in 2020. As several posters have noted, whilst we've thankfully moved on from the vile "backs to the wall" casual homophobia that was so prevalent when I was a teenager in the late 80s/early 90s, we do seem to have moved backwards in terms of perceptions of gender roles.

*Gay not guy! Doh!

He sounds very similar to my son. Gay is not an insult of course but my son is straight and would prefer girls weren’t told otherwise 🤣

Same for me. It's often assumed that I'm a lesbian - it'll be the shaved head, DMs and football season ticket that do it I'm not in any way offended but I'd prefer that the single men of the north of England know the truth

@Livpool

My DH is the same and is quite quiet. Apparently lots of his relatives thought he was gay.

Bizarre as my dad is quiet and no one seemed to have questioned him. I think people are more into stereotyping than they ever were, which is rather depressing.

It's just occurred to me, that this may be because now people are just more likely to think there are a fair number of gay people around than in the past? In fact I think in some circles you'd find people overestimated.

Mind you, my grandfather who would be almost 100 now was apparently regularly propositioned at one time, so some number of people were clearly on the look out.

People thought my DH was gay when he was young because he loved and collected anything Prince (this was late 80’s) and he hated rugby, football and other “blokey” sports. He also grew up with many women (mother, sisters, aunts and grans) and he’s very intune with women.
He’s very tall and slim with some delicate facial features and long eyelashes that can look fake.
He is my perfect man.

When I started my old job people assumed I'm a lesbian because I had v.short hair and lots of earrings. But I've tricked them because I'm actually Bi 😁

So much stereotyping on here has really surprised me
DS is gay and has lots of gay friends as well as the partners he has had
Very few are camp or arty or particularly effeminate
Many are big guys of the rugby player or gym obsessed weight training types