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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

who is being unreasonable here?

67 replies

punkypurple · 16/10/2020 16:52

I am Person C and know Person A&B well, they are my family.

Person A was asked to suggest some ideas for what they want for an xmas present. They suggested two possible things for person B to choose from, this is what Person A&B routinely do though Person A usually says they don't want anything. Person B was asked to suggest some ideas too and did so. Person A is trying to avoid shops so orders two of the suggestions and wraps them ready for Xmas.

Person B contacts Person A and tells them they have transferred the money (about £20) in Person A's bank account and to go and buy one of them items themselves. Person B says that Xmas is going to be dull as everybody will have had their presents. Person B is going about their business as normal and going shopping whenever they feel like it.

Person A has now got the money in their bank but has depression and low self esteem and doesn't buy themselves anything. They have put the money in their savings account to be used when they need to buy their children something/for a rainy day instead of buying the item they suggested. Person B knows that Person A has form for never buying themselves anything and not spending money given to them on themselves. Last time Person B did this then Person A used the money to go towards school shoes.

Person A,B and C will be seeing each other on Xmas Day if Covid allows. They all live within two miles of each other in the same town. They are all approximately the same age and none of them have specific health issues that stop them from going shopping. All 3 are single, Person A and C have children, Person B doesn't. Person A doesn't enjoy shopping at all, Person B is at the shops most weeks.

Is Person A being unreasonable not buying the item or is Person B being unreasonable for not going and buying it when she goes shopping and wrapping it up to give on Xmas Day/dropped off with Person B if seeing each other on Xmas Day is not possible due to Covid.

YABU/Yes - Person A should use the money to buy what Person B has given it to them for.
YANBU/No - Person B should have bought them item and wrapped it up to give to Person A at Xmas.

I have had both Person A and Person B complaining about the other person, A thinks it would be nice if B went to the effort of buying it and wrapping it. B thinks A should just order it herself and get it delivered to her home.

OP posts:
ragged · 17/10/2020 15:41

Sounds like to support A you need to help A see it's ok to not indulge B.

Maybe you can change B into a nicer person, but would help A more if you could change A into a more resilient person.

Marisishidinginmyattic · 17/10/2020 15:46

Sounds like A needs a backbone then.

AibuTellMe · 17/10/2020 15:50

Reading that is how the start of a migraine feels.

AibuTellMe · 17/10/2020 15:51

I think A is in the wrong

AdelaideK · 17/10/2020 18:08

A sounds hard work

Porridgeoat · 18/10/2020 01:54

Suggest that next year A asks B not to bother giving anything

Suggest to B not to bother as it’s too much pressure in A who is depressed, skint and hates shopping

Porridgeoat · 18/10/2020 02:02

B sounds like they don’t really care this is too demanding on A cash wise, effort wise and location wise.

Presently it’s easy for B. One flick of the finger and cash transferred, no thought given and minimal effort. Makes the gift a bit rubbish and would be only be ok if A liked receiving gifts this way

katy1213 · 18/10/2020 02:13

You're all unreasonable for getting worked up about Christmas presents in October.
Person B is a lazy arse.
And if it's all such a hassle, why bother with presents at all?

Maskedcrusader · 18/10/2020 05:19

If there are 12 people getting on the train at station A and its traveling @100mph . 16people get off at station B. How many people will be having toast for breakfast.

Mella91 · 18/10/2020 06:28

So annoying when people reply with 'who cares,' 'why think about it' etc.. YOU care! Or you wouldn't have replied unless you have an extremely boring life and have nothing to do.

Person B should have purchased what they said they would buy (as that was what the money was given for) but assuming I was person A, I wouldn't have made a deal out of it if person B put the money into their savings.

BorisandHarriet · 18/10/2020 06:49

OP your post makes perfect sense. B is unreasonable for not bothering to buy A a present.

mrscampbellblackagain · 18/10/2020 06:55

A needs to grow up and say they can't afford to do presents.

Qwertywerty3 · 18/10/2020 07:01

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Macncheeseballs · 18/10/2020 07:08

I think its lazy not too buy actual presents for people, but equally the recipient of the money should get off their arse and buy themselves something

WFHWFH2020 · 18/10/2020 07:15

B should recognise that A is struggling financially and agree not to give presents to take the pressure off.

Oysterbabe · 18/10/2020 07:20

I do secret santa with friends. It would be pretty joyless if we all just transferred £20 to our recipient. We could all easily afford to just buy things we wanted so there would be literally no point anyway.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 18/10/2020 12:59

@punkypurple YABU for thinking it’s 70 days early for Xmas shopping! Ive finished mine, much less stressful this way.

Tell your sisters or your mum and sister they both had good intentions and they should just get over it.

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