who is being unreasonable here?

[punkypurple]

I am Person C and know Person A&B well, they are my family.

Person A was asked to suggest some ideas for what they want for an xmas present. They suggested two possible things for person B to choose from, this is what Person A&B routinely do though Person A usually says they don't want anything. Person B was asked to suggest some ideas too and did so. Person A is trying to avoid shops so orders two of the suggestions and wraps them ready for Xmas.

Person B contacts Person A and tells them they have transferred the money (about £20) in Person A's bank account and to go and buy one of them items themselves. Person B says that Xmas is going to be dull as everybody will have had their presents. Person B is going about their business as normal and going shopping whenever they feel like it.

Person A has now got the money in their bank but has depression and low self esteem and doesn't buy themselves anything. They have put the money in their savings account to be used when they need to buy their children something/for a rainy day instead of buying the item they suggested. Person B knows that Person A has form for never buying themselves anything and not spending money given to them on themselves. Last time Person B did this then Person A used the money to go towards school shoes.

Person A,B and C will be seeing each other on Xmas Day if Covid allows. They all live within two miles of each other in the same town. They are all approximately the same age and none of them have specific health issues that stop them from going shopping. All 3 are single, Person A and C have children, Person B doesn't. Person A doesn't enjoy shopping at all, Person B is at the shops most weeks.

Is Person A being unreasonable not buying the item or is Person B being unreasonable for not going and buying it when she goes shopping and wrapping it up to give on Xmas Day/dropped off with Person B if seeing each other on Xmas Day is not possible due to Covid.

YABU/Yes - Person A should use the money to buy what Person B has given it to them for.
YANBU/No - Person B should have bought them item and wrapped it up to give to Person A at Xmas.

I have had both Person A and Person B complaining about the other person, A thinks it would be nice if B went to the effort of buying it and wrapping it. B thinks A should just order it herself and get it delivered to her home.

So A and B tell each other what present they would like upon being asked.

A has depression and finds shopping difficult.
A buys it and wraps it up immediately.

B doesn't have depression and adores shopping.
B chucks a twenty at A and says gerrit yerself.

Person A is thoughtful.
Person B is a thoughtless lazy arse.
Person C is piggy in the middle and is getting unenviable ear bashing from both.

God, it's like one of those 11 plus questions. I think A is sitting to the right of B and C has 12 apples, 2 pens and 16p change.
Did I get it right?

It’s hard to follow, OP.

It really isn't. This person B just can't be arsed to put in the teeniest bit of extra effort to do something nice for person A.

Tom and Dick are both being unreasonable. Dick could easily have bought it. Tom could easily go online and order it. Dick isn't responsible for Tom's inability to splurge with gifted money but could have made the effort. Tom should recognise that the world can't revolve around their own issues with spending gifted money and should be grateful for the money anyway.

Poor Harry stuck in between the two!

It really isn't. This person B just can't be arsed to put in the teeniest bit of extra effort to do something nice for person A.

I didn’t mean for you, I meant for me. No need for you to comment on that, really.

You should keep out of it as it’s nothing to do with you but I think B is the more unreasonable as they should have made the effort to get A something and if they choose to be completely idle and just transfer money then it’s entirely at the discretion of the recipient as to how they spend that money .

@CoRhona

Truly and without being rude, who cares?

B has provided the money. A can do with it (or not) what they like. Neither are wrong.

I think A cares. OP, YANBU. I think B should have made the effort to actually purchase something. Even ordering it online and having it sent to B would have been better.

Person X thought this was going to turn into one of those multi part exam questions but in the spirit of the post....if you don't want to think enough to buy an actual present and just transfer money then you have to accept the recipient is going to use it for what they want to.

What the hell has this got to do with Harry? Refuse to listen to this blather.

I think B is being unfair. There is no fun in buying nd wrapping up your own present but if A doesn't she might not have anything to unwrap. The effort she went to should be reciprocated. Next time I would say let's not bother or bung £20 back if that's not an option.

Person A has depression, and presumably this is known to person B.

I think B is BU - they should have got off their arse and actually bought a present for A. And gone to the trouble of wrapping it, to show that they care.

Anybody can transfer cash in seconds. As a gesture it is meaningless.

I agree don't get involved beyond sympathetic 'hmmm' ing but I think this boils down to a perennial MN debate about gifts.. If its the thought and effort that counts or the actual thing. I think 'here's the money, go order it' is a bit shit and lazy. To me, a gift is at least partly about effort.

I cant keep track of whos who or what but:

the person who gave money is wrong for 2 reasons:

1. when it comes to gifts its the thought and effort that truely counts, giving money is lazy but I can accept its what some people do

but that brings us to the second reason:

2. 'money' given as a gift is 'a gift' not a way to pass the chore on - you dont get to dictate what the person then has to do with that money, its was your job to put in effort and you did not but its not now their job to do put in the effort you failed to if they choose the simple route of saving it instead of having to do the work of using it thats their choice not yours

Don't get involved

They are both being difficult

.. and it's October FFS

Yabu to be this involved in other people's utterly inconsequential dithering about 20 quid.

B is unreasonable transferring money despite being in the shops regularly and knowing that A wouldn't spend it on themselves.

Give over buying presents for each other and just meet up for more expensive drinks?

@pooopypants

This made my head hurt.

glad it wasn't just me.

A, B and C should have a "no presents" agreement and stop all this malarkey forthwith.

The amount of waste and stress generated at Christmas by adults buying pointless crap for other adults that don't want or need anything is ridiculous.

I am probably person B (cannot be arsed and will transfer £20) and my sister is person A (will carefully wrap in fancy ribbon that I don’t give a shit about).

The good news, is we just love and accept each other now - and our sister C wouldn’t get dragged into it.

People who go out and shop and wrap presents are not necessarily the lovely types vs the selfish thoughtless shits like me. They’re often not wrapping those parcels because they want to do something nice for the recipient - they’re doing it because they like doing it. My Person B sister will freely admit that sitting around with piles of matching gift wrap, writing tags, is part of “Xmas” for her. What I see when I receive it, is a pile of wasteful packaging 🤷🏻‍♀️

We love each other dearly. When it really matters, we jump. For example, when I had a miscarriage and didn’t want to talk, she was the one that sent regular, “don’t reply - just sending love” messages. And when she called me in tears at a broken oven, I’m the one that turned up an hour later by surprise to take her shopping for a new one.

As a result, we can cope with different Xmas approaches without bitching to sister C about each other.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

Yabu to be this involved in other people's utterly inconsequential dithering about 20 quid.

Tell me about it..I wish they'd both just leave me out of it. They've both phoned me this morning and I just let it ring. Tempted to send them both a text to say 'Gone Xmas Shopping' except it's about 70 days too early

And Sister A should shove off being a martyr over spending it on school shoes. That’s not B’s fault, or B’a job to police. If A needs to spend money on shoes over a present - then thank fuck B gives cash. If A just chooses to... her look out. Sister A sounds very tiresome!

I know it’s an AIBU not a WWYD...
But honestly, I’d set up a 3 way WhatsApp, and tell them both that the other one is telling me about it, and you wish to drop out of being the middle man, so: go!

A, B and C should have a "no presents" agreement and stop all this malarkey forthwith.

^ That. Too much perceived "caring" and "love" associated with gift exchange for my liking.

A is not obliged to demonstrate love by buying physical gifts for B.
B is not responsible for fixing A's low self esteem.
A & B are allowed to have legit different attitudes about shopping.
C is not responsible for B feeling different from A about meaning of Xmas gift exchanges.

It’s very hard and unreasonable to try to control another adults behaviour, neither are wrong, neither are missing out. Saving the money isn’t wrong, buying gifts isn’t wrong. Keep out of it, send low self esteemed one some flowers today

@ragged

A, B and C should have a "no presents" agreement and stop all this malarkey forthwith.

^ That. Too much perceived "caring" and "love" associated with gift exchange for my liking.

A is not obliged to demonstrate love by buying physical gifts for B.
B is not responsible for fixing A's low self esteem.
A & B are allowed to have legit different attitudes about shopping.
C is not responsible for B feeling different from A about meaning of Xmas gift exchanges.

B always instigates it though by demanding A choose a present each year. A then asks B for a suggestion, spends money she doesn't have on B and so uses the money from B later on to buy things her children need. A feels obliged to buy B something but is at poverty line levels whereas B is very well off.