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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have a friendship cull?

71 replies

chocolatenut · 16/10/2020 15:50

I am married with 2 DC's under 5. I work fulltime, have elderly parents as well as siblings (sister is recently divorced and needs me a lot), PIL, and various friends. I did have some time over lockdown to reassess and I just feel like I have way too much on my plate and need to streamline what I can in order to have some headspace. Obviously I can't and don't want to cut out family as my elderly parents and sister all really need me at the moment.

As for friends some are far away and its easy just to keep up on facebook but for friends whoa re closer to home I really need to let some go. I feel that at the moment I am enjoying friendships with other mothers, people with kids the same age as ours more. We live in nice area with lots of young families and its easy to arrange to meet for lunch or a coffee with someone local or to meet up with the kids in the park. Also on the odd night I might get to go out friends who don't live locally aren't available to pop out for a drink somewhere local.

I do obviously have old uni and school friends who I will stay in touch with even if I don't see them so often but then there are the other friends who I feel like want more out of the friendship than I want or have to give them and as a result I end up just feeling guilty about it. One in particular is a lovely woman, quite shy really but we met and became friendly in our 20's in a flatshare and for a time she was my closest friend but now our lives are just so different. She lives a good distance from me with no direct transport links (although in the same city) so when we meet it always has to be organised a days in advance and as its such a trek for her I feel I need to devote at least a few hours to her which just puts me off arranging to meet. She's nice to my kids but has none of her own and so my oldest gets bored and wants my attention and I just don't really get to relax and enjoy it.

I think we just don't have too much in common anymore, she did go to university but doesn't have a career or a job, she is married but her husband doesn't often socialise with us. Most of my friends know each other as well whereas she doesn't really and prefers to see me one on one, as I said she is shy and can be a bit socially awkward.

Its been awkward, she will buy me a gift for my birthday, send cards, and call to see how we all are but I don't often reciprocate and then I feel awful everytime I think of her. I'd like to think we could stay in touch and then maybe pick up in the future but I suspect she will be hurt by that as she doesn't have many friends, she doesn't use social media so I can't really keep in passive contact with her.

There are others some mum friends who I don't feel I really gel with or some old work friends who I rarely see anyway but others are more difficult to trim even though things aren't really working for me at the moment.

OP posts:

puffinsseagulls · 16/10/2020 15:54

Surely right now you can just not see her/them because of the pandemic?

I think friendships can go through phases, I'd just keep it rolling and later on see how you feel, but of course it's your life. As your kids grow up you may value different things in a friend.

Original poster

chocolatenut · 16/10/2020 15:57

@puffinsseagulls I can't have her in my house but we could meet outside or at a cafe. To be honest I haven't contacted her in a couple of months now. She did contact me in the summer to see if I might be able to meet up while things were more relaxed, I agreed but just let things drift and didn't properly arrange anything. I can probably just about get away with this due to the pandemic.

OP posts:

DrManhattan · 16/10/2020 16:05

Maybe she's just seeing you out of habit too

BestOfABadLot · 16/10/2020 16:08

I think it's fine to set boundaries on what you have time for. At the moment it's not like you need to be travelling and meeting up with people who live far away anyway. It seems a bit dramatic to make a big announcement that you're not friends with her any more unless she's actually done anything wrong.

Original poster

chocolatenut · 16/10/2020 16:12

@DrManhattan Perhaps but I don't think so, she is quite introverted and only has a few close friends most of whom no longer live in the UK I think. I don't really know any of them as she met them at uni. I believe she values our friendship.

@BestOfABadLot I wasn't planning on making a bit announcment but on just letting things drift until she gets the hint.

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 16/10/2020 16:15

I may get flamed for this but I think your attitude sounds very rigid and a wee bit snobbish.

It sounds like you're basing your ideas of what makes a good friend on social/demographic markers about "appropriate" things to have in common rather than wanting to spend time with someone. A good friendship just is, it isn't something which you have to justify with a checklist.

As puffinsseagulls points out a friendship doesn't have to have a contract, its not an official status. Friendships go in waves: sometimes you see more of them and sometimes you see less and this is fine. I'm old and ugly enough to have friends I've known for 30 years and sometimes I don't see some of those friends for a year or more. It doesn't really matter.

I think you need to chill out and stop overthinking tbh. Dont feel you have to spend time with somone out of habit or duty but "friendship cull" sounds over-dramatic and a bit self-important. Just let it drift and pick it up again if it works. Job done.

Orangeblossom7777 · 16/10/2020 16:32

I think it is a stage where you are busy and when you are older and children grown a bit things might change. I see more of my child free friends now.

MereDintofPandiculation · 16/10/2020 17:06

I wasn't planning on making a bit announcement but on just letting things drift until she gets the hint. That's not kind.

It's clear you don't like her now, but for the sake of the friendship you once had, don't do that to her.

Original poster

chocolatenut · 16/10/2020 17:08

@thepeopleversuswork I do see what you are saying but sometimes her lack of drive does annoy me, I am quite a driven person and she really isn't. Its been an issue in the recent past where she can't afford to go to concerts or dinner and I find it limiting as to what we can do. Honestly I do enjoy and feel more relaxed in the company of people who have a similer way of life to me and my family. However I get your point that I may need her in future and that it might not be wise to just cut her out full stop. I just like the idea of things being neat and tidy.

@Orangeblossom7777 Thats interesting, I assume you do still have comparable lifestyles?

OP posts:

BathtubGin · 16/10/2020 17:12

A friendship cull? Sound very pretentious. A bit like curating your friends

Just drift away. It will happen anyway. You don't need to do anything.

Original poster

chocolatenut · 16/10/2020 17:12

@MereDintofPandiculation Perhaps not but neither is an email saying I find trying to keep up our friendship to be a bit of a drag these days. I can't really come out of this being the good guy can I?

OP posts:

Original poster

chocolatenut · 16/10/2020 17:16

@BathtubGin Curating my friends is a good way of looking at it. I want to feel good about my social life not guilty. They say that you are an average of the five people you spend the most time with, that your friends and networks reflect who you are and where you are going in life. I think that is true and therefore want my friendships reflect where i am going in life.

OP posts:

puffinsseagulls · 16/10/2020 17:17

It seems like you've decided already OP

Original poster

chocolatenut · 16/10/2020 17:20

@puffinsseagulls not really, not yet. I can see I'm being a bit of a bitch to be honest.

OP posts:

OrigamiOwl · 16/10/2020 17:25

[quote chocolatenut]@thepeopleversuswork I do see what you are saying but sometimes her lack of drive does annoy me, I am quite a driven person and she really isn't. Its been an issue in the recent past where she can't afford to go to concerts or dinner and I find it limiting as to what we can do. Honestly I do enjoy and feel more relaxed in the company of people who have a similer way of life to me and my family. However I get your point that I may need her in future and that it might not be wise to just cut her out full stop. I just like the idea of things being neat and tidy.

@Orangeblossom7777 Thats interesting, I assume you do still have comparable lifestyles?[/quote]
You shouldn't keep her in your life on the off chance you might need her in the future.

Itsallpointless · 16/10/2020 17:25

Ultimately you are using ALL your 'friends' based on how they fit with YOUR life. We all have those friends we don't have much in common with etc, but unless they've been downright awful, I'd still be friends with them.

Sorry OP but I think you are really quite a selfish person, and as a PP said, snobbish too.

ilovesooty · 16/10/2020 17:29

I may need her in future

Not a pleasant attitude. She might realise that losing you from her life might not be any big deal.

MrsBobDylan · 16/10/2020 17:31

I fear you think of yourself as too good for her. Definitely end the friendship and stick with people who have money, young children and live in the nice little enclave of wealth that you do.

Plmoknijb123 · 16/10/2020 17:36

The truth here is that you’re not really this woman’s friend. That ended when you stopped liking her and enjoying her company. You now see her as a burden so just be honest, I think that’s the best thing to do. Cut her, and allow her to move on. Peoples lives evolve over time, you can’t maintain every friendship, but I think it’s better to have honest relationships than keeping someone around in case you need them.

Pricklylittlecactus · 16/10/2020 17:42

Let her go but give her respect she deserves and tell her you are a self centered snob who can't be bothered with her any more rather than just ghosting her.
She deserves honesty.
You don't deserve friends though.
Take your classist attitude and flush it down the toilet

Mittens030869 · 16/10/2020 17:54

*Ultimately you are using ALL your 'friends' based on how they fit with YOUR life. We all have those friends we don't have much in common with etc, but unless they've been downright awful, I'd still be friends with them.

Sorry OP but I think you are really quite a selfish person, and as a PP said, snobbish too.*

Sorry, but this is true. And if you just ghost her, that would be very mean and, yes, also cowardly.

I personally find that I enjoy having a variety of friends from different stages in my life, and I'm not bothered about whether they 'fit in' with my life.

unmarkedbythat · 16/10/2020 17:56

If you are honest I am sure your 'friends' will solve this problem for you :)

Wishimaywishimight · 16/10/2020 18:02

You don't sound as though you even like her. And you're talking about not cutting her out full stop in case you need her in the future? Lovely!

redcarbluecar · 16/10/2020 18:11

Cull is a rather savage metaphor for simply letting a friendship drift. You can be friends or not friends with whoever you like but you can’t just pick up and drop people to suit your life at any given time.
Unless you really aren’t bothered about this person, why not give the friendship a chance to survive? Your oldest child won’t always be bored; she may get a job one day - things change. Maybe you feel stressed and that something has to give, but is dramatic severance of relationships really the answer?

ZaraCarmichaelshighheels · 16/10/2020 18:14

@Orangeblossom7777 Thats interesting, I assume you do still have comparable lifestyles?[/quote]
You don’t sound very nice at all OP keep her on the back burner in case you need her? How self serving, never mind her needs, basically you only want to keep her as a friend in case she is useful to you in the future, not nice.

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