to have a friendship cull?

[chocolatenut]

I am married with 2 DC's under 5. I work fulltime, have elderly parents as well as siblings (sister is recently divorced and needs me a lot), PIL, and various friends. I did have some time over lockdown to reassess and I just feel like I have way too much on my plate and need to streamline what I can in order to have some headspace. Obviously I can't and don't want to cut out family as my elderly parents and sister all really need me at the moment.

As for friends some are far away and its easy just to keep up on facebook but for friends whoa re closer to home I really need to let some go. I feel that at the moment I am enjoying friendships with other mothers, people with kids the same age as ours more. We live in nice area with lots of young families and its easy to arrange to meet for lunch or a coffee with someone local or to meet up with the kids in the park. Also on the odd night I might get to go out friends who don't live locally aren't available to pop out for a drink somewhere local.

I do obviously have old uni and school friends who I will stay in touch with even if I don't see them so often but then there are the other friends who I feel like want more out of the friendship than I want or have to give them and as a result I end up just feeling guilty about it. One in particular is a lovely woman, quite shy really but we met and became friendly in our 20's in a flatshare and for a time she was my closest friend but now our lives are just so different. She lives a good distance from me with no direct transport links (although in the same city) so when we meet it always has to be organised a days in advance and as its such a trek for her I feel I need to devote at least a few hours to her which just puts me off arranging to meet. She's nice to my kids but has none of her own and so my oldest gets bored and wants my attention and I just don't really get to relax and enjoy it.

I think we just don't have too much in common anymore, she did go to university but doesn't have a career or a job, she is married but her husband doesn't often socialise with us. Most of my friends know each other as well whereas she doesn't really and prefers to see me one on one, as I said she is shy and can be a bit socially awkward.

Its been awkward, she will buy me a gift for my birthday, send cards, and call to see how we all are but I don't often reciprocate and then I feel awful everytime I think of her. I'd like to think we could stay in touch and then maybe pick up in the future but I suspect she will be hurt by that as she doesn't have many friends, she doesn't use social media so I can't really keep in passive contact with her.

There are others some mum friends who I don't feel I really gel with or some old work friends who I rarely see anyway but others are more difficult to trim even though things aren't really working for me at the moment.

Look it’s very simple. If you enjoy this persons company and feel good after any interaction with her then it sounds like a relationship worth keeping. If not then don’t put any effort into and eventually things will drift and that will be it. I do think you are being a bit daft, just because your life is busy now doesn’t mean to say you should cull a friend. A good friend will respect any space you need to deal with family stuff and even support you in it. You don’t so sure so just explain your situation and that you’re going to be doing your own thing for a while due to family pressures so not available for a while. If you don’t think she’s worth that explanation then go your separate ways. You may be doing her a favour anyway.

Honestly, you should cull her. She could do with a better class of friend

Oh OP your attitude is terrible. It honestly sounds like you want friends who are educated, with children and live a pretty middle class lifestyle...

Have you ever thought that you're just very lucky to have fallen on your feet, and some people might not be as fortunate? She might desperately want kids and a better job, but doesn't have the means to achieve that?

I think you'd be better distancing yourself from her to be honest. She deserves loads better and deserves people around her who so not judge her as a person by her lifestyle. If she asks what's going on though please make it clear it's you rather than her. In my experience, friendships based on more shallow things such as the ability to go out for a meal and have children, tend to tire very easily.

Gosh op, you sound quite unpleasant.

Do her a favour and cull her.

Op, you sound a little like a 'Lady Bountiful' bestowing friendship as you deem appropriate. Get over yourself.

If you haven't spoken in ages then what's the need for a spontaneous "cull"?

I think that woman has clearly got you wrong, you're not a friend at all.

[quote chocolatenut]@thepeopleversuswork I do see what you are saying but sometimes her lack of drive does annoy me, I am quite a driven person and she really isn't. Its been an issue in the recent past where she can't afford to go to concerts or dinner and I find it limiting as to what we can do. Honestly I do enjoy and feel more relaxed in the company of people who have a similer way of life to me and my family. However I get your point that I may need her in future and that it might not be wise to just cut her out full stop. I just like the idea of things being neat and tidy.

@Orangeblossom7777 Thats interesting, I assume you do still have comparable lifestyles?[/quote]

I get that your are a bit overwhelemed op but doesn't sound like you really respect this person and her life choices.

How would 'culling' be any different to now? Does it involve ringing her up and saying you're not friends? She'll work out you're not the greatest friend in time and it'll fizzle out. Sounds like you don't really miss her.

What a curious thread. So - you don't value her friendship at all, but think she really values yours? Upon what are you basing that, exactly? Your winning personality?
By the way, your life (as you describe it) doesn't sound particularly pressured. Loads of people work full time, have children, and have infinitely more on their plate than you do.

It definitely sounds like you only want friends who reflect what you aspire to be. Weathly, with children, very well paid job and an expensive social life and your friend doesn't fit that image. You're using family problems as an excuse to cut her out because her face doesn't fit anymore.

There's nothing you've listed that would be grounds to basically ghost her. There's many people I'm friends with who I share only one interest with. I also can't afford to get going to gigs and out for expensive meals.

I also think the comment about your daughter being bored isn't good either. If you have to take her with you then you need to entertain her, it would be the same when meeting with older family members out and about. She will eventually learn she can have her mum's or anyone's full attention all the time. I'd be extremely frustrated by a friend who's child keep interrupting and it wasn't managed by their parent. If you have to take your children, entertain them or make it clear to the friend that it has to be a short visit. That would be better than interruptions.

Culling sounds so harsh and cold, I think she needs to find a better friend.

Ew your attitude stinks OP. You are a massive snob. If I was your friend I’d rather you cut me off so I could know how you really think underneath the veiled using and pretend kindness.

Wish I had enough friends to perform a cull...?!

What a horrible way to see your fellow humans OP. They have feelings you know. How would you feel if someone was discussing whether or not to cull you?!

Sounds like you'd be doing her a favour having a friendship cull! You don't seem very nice to be honest. Keeping in touch with her incase you might need her for something in the future 🙄. Hope if you ever do she tells you to get stuffed. I get people change and friendships change but you sound very self absorbed.

I'm amazed that so many people don't know what you're really like and want to be your friend.

It is your call but IME the friendships you make when the DC are young don't always last

Honestly I do enjoy and feel more relaxed in the company of people who have a similer way of life to me and my family. However I get your point that I may need her in future and that it might not be wise to just cut her out full stop. I just like the idea of things being neat and tidy.

I rarely say things as excessively judgemental as this, but you sound utterly awful.

You are being nasty & demeaning to your friend, as she isn't meeting your criteria. Not because she's not kind, or caring or a good person (as you've demonstrated she's all these things) - but because you think she's not driven enough, isn't living the same life as you, is 'socially awkward'.

How can you think of anyone in those terms?

And then - if this wasn't bad enough! - you consider that you may need her in the future. That's your reason for keeping her as a friend, nobly.

I wish I could tell your friend that she's lovely, and needs to stop wasting her energy & kindness on someone who doesn't deserve it.

You dont sound like a very good friend anyway. You'll be doing whoever you want to "cut off" a favour.

you sound awful tbh, i really think the friend you are talking about would be better off cutting all ties with you. what a self absorbed person you sound, all me me me, unless this is a joke.
you can have alot of friends and you don't always see all of them all if the time, never has it occurred to me to cut them out of my life and cull them as you call it. and for the bit where you said you might need her in the future, disgusting.
To think she probably sees you as a friend.

However I get your point that I may need her in future and that it might not be wise to just cut her out full stop.

Fucking hell. Do you only look at friendships in terms of what you can get out of them?

I can see I'm being a bit of a bitch to be honest.

That's exactly what you're being, and not just a bit. But it doesn't sound as if you're even bothered about it.

Doesn’t sound like a cull of friends, but more culling ‘one’ friend. I would say that you should drop her, but only because I think she deserves better. I too had lots of ‘mummy’ friends like you, but once your DCs can arrange their own time and social life when they start high school, you might find they drift away. Most mum friendships are superficial and based on convenience, to accommodate DCs friendships. Once that need goes, you may find you you don’t really have any true friends.

I think some people here are being disingenuous and that lots of people let friends drift away because they don't fit in with your life anymore but rather than own that you say "Oh we just lost touch" but it was basically intentional.

One thing to keep in mind OP is that you may not always have the "way of life" you describe.

A true friend is someone who will still want to be your friend if you can't afford to eat in nice restaurants and have nice middle class friends and pursuits.

Also it cuts both ways. If you see friendship purely as an aspirational tool, there will always be someone grander, better educated and with more disposable income than you.

This isn't a reason to cling doggedly to a friendship that's way past its sell-by date. But its worth learning to choose people because of their intrinsic qualities; loyalty, warmth, thoughtfulness, similarity of outlook. Collecting friends who reflect back at you what you think you see in yourself will always leave you disappointed.

chocolatenut

"I think some people here are being disingenuous and that lots of people let friends drift away because they don't fit in with your life anymore but rather than own that you say "Oh we just lost touch" but it was basically intentional."

Of course. No-one can maintain all the relationships they acquire over a lifetime, that's just natural.

No-one is saying you have to hold onto this person for life: you haven't signed a contract with her in blood.

They are questioning the values you seem to place on friendship and suggesting that your approach to "culling" the friendship is unnecessary.

This reminds me of a girl I knew many years ago, not a friend of mine, a friend of a friend.

Got a wealthy man and became friends with his friends, and dropped her poor friends really quickly. Was a real yummy mummy type for a few years.

Then it turned out he was shagging the neighbour. He divorced her eventually and she was left with no friends whatsoever.